Friday humour - March 09, 2012


This is REALLY a neat quiz and quite challenging.
 Click here

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From: Diks
Ironic Government Policies
This short email says it all................
The food stamp program, part of the Department of 
Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food
stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture,
asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow
dependent and not learn to take care of themselves*

What did I miss here?
well for starters animals are often fed a specialised diet by the zoo
staff,
but more importantly animals don't vote - yet! ed

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From: Johnny Green
62-yr-old cashier will make you smile
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Cursor catcher...bit a fun

WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING,
PLACE THE CURSOR ABOUT HALF AN INCH ABOVE HIS
HEAD AND WATCH WHAT HAPPENS....
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
RFID Chip In your Credit Cards?
Passed on without further research - but read the comments about PINs and
multiple cards in the wallet.

Look at your credit cards!

Watch the YouTube video below.....
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Fix bayonets!

Maybe if we get this into our next show in September as a chorus number we
could genuinely claim it'll be our last one!

This is "River Dance" with boots and rifles!

I can't remember ever seeing a display of precision to beat this!! All the
precision drill is being performed on ICE!!

By the Norwegian Royal Guard.

Those are US made Garand M-1 rifles (WWII), and they are heavy weapons (9
POUNDS EACH)..

The solo performance is incredible - YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A RIFLE SPUN THAT
FAST! Now THAT's a fact!

Unbelievable!!! You HAVE to watch. (I think they have something stuck to
the bottoms of their shoes, I can't even SKATE ! (neither do they but I bet
they CAN!)
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Breaking News

My wife told me this morning that she just heard on the news that Davy
Jones from the Monkees had died.

I thought she was joking....then I saw her face.....now I'm a bereaver.

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From: Johnny Green
The year of your birth
Quite good I suppose, but takes forever to load - suggest you let it scroll
and come back as it stays there - takes about 10 mins!

YOUR PAST - AN EXCELLENT PRESENTATION

The screen is going to fade to black; have your glasses on (pick the likely
demographic! It went a bit odd when I put in my oldest grandson Harry's
year of birth 2006 - funny!) , and follow the instructions below.

You'll be pleasantly surprised with this one... Type the year only!! Then
click the question (?) mark! Sit back and enjoy!!
 Click here
THE SCREEN MOVES BY ITSELF.  (unlike the prose.)


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From: Johnny Green
To My Fashionista Friends 'wonderful, fun and inspiring'
The money would probably be better spent in Somalia but hey, "if ya wanna
get treated nicer."

Cast credits at the end. touch of Bill Cunningham here.
FABULOUS OLD BIRDS !!!!!            Love em!           :-)
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green

Went to the Bookshop.  After a few minutes of looking I asked the shop
assistant "where is the Self Help section please?"
She responded "Wouldn't that be defeating the purpose?"

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From: Johnny Green
An ORCHESTRAL GROUP'S WONDERFUL PERFORMANCE.....
One for the country lads to try at home!
This is a great performance - take note that not one of the audience left
during the performance!!!
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Murphy's Law on Queing I used to be indicive now I'm not very sure!
Where has this been all my life?
I love it, being a Murphy's Law Gold Card Carrier.
 Click here
This is very clever and funny

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From: Nottingham Smithie
walmartians
 Click here
I would have thought that all on this movie are totally unemployable, so
where do they get their funds from to shop in Wal-Mart

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From: Sack

Statistics show that 25% of women are on medication for mental illness.

That's bloody scary.........it means 75% of them are running around with no
medication at all!

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From: Sir Edward
HAPPY BIRTHDAY

To all who have a birthday today, this one's for you.
 Click here

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From: Sir Edward
MAFIA & THE STATE
Ten good reasons
 Click here

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From: Sir Edward
LUNCH BILL
Roman Abramovich (owner of Chelsea football club in case you didn't know)in
the company of Dasha Zhukova and his son Arkadi and three business partners
stoped over for lunch at restaurant "Nello" in New
York
It was obvious from the start that the high quality and type of food take
priority over cost said restaurant owner Nello Balan. Mr
Abramovich began his diner with carpachio with white trufles followed by
Milan lamb with pasta and parmesan.
For desert Mr Abramovish tried delicious teramisu. They were drinking
champagne and expensive wines. They looked no different than  New York
tourists said waiter.
Drinks included 2 bottles of Chateau Petrus, 3 bottles of La Tache
Romanee Conti pinot noir and 2 large bottles (1.5 litre each) champagne
Christal Rose ($5,000 per bottle).
The wine only came to $35,000. Pregnant Miss Zhukov was drinking $16
mineral water.
Mr Abramovich's face did not change when he saw the bill, said waiter.
He only asked if the service was included. The couple sitting at the next
table thought they won a lottery. The owner of the restaurant gave Mr
Abramovich a soccer ball as  memento for being a special client, and
suggested he should buy New York Yankees. Mr Abramovich replied - no
thanks, I have plenty of problems with Chelsea .
Total sum came to $47,000 US in just 1hr and 18min. The bill included 20%
tip, however they generously gave waiter another $5,000 in cash.

In total they spent around $52K for lunch. Many people make this in a year.

HOW MUCH DO YOU NORMALLY SPEND ON LUNCH?

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From: Sir Edward

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few
days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he
came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two
people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
'It's called s*xual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other
kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma,it isn't
called s*xual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy 's mum wants to
talk to you.'

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From: Tommo963
SIMPLE OPERATION

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his
wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't
worry,
I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

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From: Tommo963

Inventions Bound to Fail

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Dehydrated water - Just add water
Waterproof tea bags
The helicopter ejector seat
Votes for Women

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From: Whizzbang
Police video site
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang

There are a few jokes in here that I bet you can relate to.

4 things to remember when entering a Mosque  (1) Shoes off  (2) Socks off
(3) Sawn off  (4) Safety off....

Son said to Dad ''I'm Gay'' Dad looks at his other son and said ''What
about you'' Other son said ''Me too Dad'' Dad said F*ck me doesn't anyone
in this
F*ckin family like Pussy Daughter said ''I do''

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do
if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath ? Answer. Throw in your
washing. We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard
tapped me on the shoulder and said '' I dont find that very funny. My
brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fit's''
I said '' Sorry mate did he drown'' No he said '' he choked on a sock ''

Because of the severe weather conditions in the UK at the moment the
Government has issued this warning. Anyone travelling in snow or icy
conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing
including a scarf, hat, and gloves, 24 hour food supply 3 ltr drinking
water, de-icer rock salt, flash light, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol
can and a set of jumper cables. I looked a right Twat on the bus this
morning!!!

Its my black stepson's birthday today and I'm going to give him a little
treat by leaving an extra 10 note in my jacket pocket

That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to tell the wife to sit
on my face.

I think only the Brits will understand this one.

A Geordie goes with a prostitute from Wigan. Drops his pants, gets his c*ck
out and the lass says.''By eck that's a gud un'' He says.''What's a Gud
un''She replies ''It means a big one'' She drops her knickers and he says

''Wyey bonny Lass that's a canny un'' She says ''What's a canny un'' He
replies.''A fkn big valley that cowboys ride through''

I saw my mate Charlie this morning,he's only got one arm bless him. I
shouted ''Where you off to Charlie'' he said ''I'm off to change a light
bulb'' Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. I said''That's gonna
be a bit awkward init'' ''Not really'' He said.''I still have the receipt
you Fkin insensitive bastard''

Scientists have revealed that sperm helps hair growth. That explains why
some men have hairy knuckles, but its got me wondering about my Grannies
moustache!!

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.
I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

 10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St
Peter says '' If any of you are Paedophiles you can fk off down to Hell'' 9
of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf
bastard with you''

Husband finishes reading the book ' Be the man in you own home' He calls to
his wife and said ''From now on my word is law. You will cook me a gourmet
meal tonight and afterwards we will have the kind of s*x that I want
starting with Anal. You will bathe me as I relax,towel me dry and massage
my feet ready for a good nights sleep. Tomrrow take a guess at who will
dress me and comb my hair'' The wife replied ''The fkn funeral director
would be my first guess''

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From: Whizzbang
Young Bluegrass Pickers
HOT DANG....
(Turn up the sound)
 Click here

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Anti-Carjacking Device...
 Click here

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Political promises
 Click here

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Helpful people
 Click here

One we didn't see on Candid Camera ~

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 Click here

...and the winner  for MOST ORIGINAL/CREATIVE PANHANDLER
Spotted on recent trip through Draper, Utah.

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THE REAL OUTDOORSMEN CALENDAR ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

THE REAL OUTDOORSMAN CALENDAR...Ready!
I know you're laughing your butt off.

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From: Burnout
A "Freudian slip"?  OR "Truth coming out"
 Click here

Real offroading......
 Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris
Pictures & Photos - " people " 27 : MORE WALMARTIANS...14 : now
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Diks
JANE FONDA MEMORIAL
 Click here
Love her or hate her she does deserve special recognition!

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From: Johnny Green
An engineer's engineer....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

A true craftsman
A miniature functioning replica 1932 Duesenberg  by Louis Chenot
No, it's not a real full-size Duesenberg, but rather a beautifully
constructed 35" long working model made in 1/6 scale.

Louis Chenot has spent the
past ten years building this incredibly detailed 1932 SJ Duesenberg
LaGrande dual-cowl phaeton. Not only does it look good, but the engine
runs, the lights work, the top mechanism functions and the transmission and
driveline are complete. Lou started his research on this project over fifty
years ago with the purchase of a book and through the following years
collected many drawings and studied a number of Duesenbergs while they were
being restored,
taking photos and recording dimensions.

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From: Johnny Green
Why A - B - C - D - E - F
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
 Click here
Oldie for us oldies...

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 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
The Kindergarten Guitar Band
 Click here
are you feeling talented?  I thought you might enjoy watching this.

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Scottish magician
 Click here

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From: Sack
AS BLIND AS A WELDERS DOG
 Click here

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From: Sir Edward
AND THEY CALL THEMSELVES MATES
 Click here Click here

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From: The Great Gussius

Most dangerous question for a man.
 Click here

6 ways to avoid answering: Does this make me look fat?

Women don't play fair, so answering "yes" or "no" is not a good idea.
Better to pussyfoot around the question itself. Here are some hints:

"It flatters your figure." This works even if your girlfriend/wife really
is fat and even if her outfit is very unflattering. How's she going to
argue with this logic? Try it and be amazed.

"I think you look s*xy." This one is probably closer to the truth than our
other ideas; after all, would you still be with your girlfriend or wife if
you didn't find her s*xy at least some of the time? Phrasing your response
this way allows you to evade a direct reaction while letting her know you
still find her attractive. It also doesn't specifically address her
clothing preferences either- just her.

"You always look beautiful/amazing/etc." Most people do not correlate being
fat with beauty, and this will let her know that no matter how she looks or
what she wears, she's still s*xy. This one might not work if your woman's
just trying to start a fight, though, in which case you're screwed every
which way despite how many of these lines you toss at her.

"It's nice, but I know what would look better." This way, you step around
the question by saying it looks nice when it might actually look like cr*p,
and then you may want to help her find a combination of clothing that you
think makes her look really good. This is also a great opportunity to take
her clothes off for her and have hot, spontaneous s*x on the floor.

"You would need to be fat to look fat, and you're not fat." While a little
more long-winded and redundant, this is the shortest possible way to say
this. Again, this does not attend to her attire -
just her. It also supplies a better explanation than "no" without the
brevity and open-endedness of
"no." Women love when you can explain yourself succinctly.a good skill to
develop in the event she catches you banging your secretary and wants to
know why.

"You make that dress/outfit look good." Do exercise caution when saying
this one because a woman may interpret it as you saying her clothes (and
thus her taste in fashion) is bad and she'll start griping. That's why it's
at the bottom of the list; not as good as the last five choices, but still
a way to avoid answering, "Does this make me look fat?"

If all else fails, print the attachment and stick it on the fridge. You're
screwed anyway.

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From: Tommo963

Top 10 worst tech predictions of all time

With the changing of the calendar, everyone becomes a Nostradamus,
expounding their tech predictions for 2008. In order to put this flood of
prophecies into some context, here are some of the worse predictions of all
time.

1. YouTube will go nowhere

"There's just not that many videos I want to watch," lamented Steve Chen, a
co-founder of YouTube, in March 2005. At the time YouTube featured about 50
videos. Less than two years later, on November 13 2006, Google acquired
YouTube for US$1.65 billion in Google stock.

2. The Millennium Bug

This is not attributed to anyone in particular, but rather anyone and
everyone with a propensity to fear the worst. Yes, you -- you that began
stocking canned food and rifle ammunition in your basement right before New
Year's Eve 1999. While some considerable funds were spent to protect
against any problems, and around the world a few minor faults were
reported, it certainly wasn't the end of human civilisation as some had
feared.

3. The death of the iPod

Over the years, many have predicted the iPod would be a fad: most famously
Amstrad founder, Sir Alan Sugar, who said in February 2005 that by "next
Christmas the iPod will be dead, finished, gone, kaput". Of course today
the iPod continues to power along, with Apple claiming to have sold over
100 million units.

4. Photocopiers are niche

"The world potential market for copying machines is 5,000 at most," IBM
told the eventual founders of Xerox in 1959. According to Wikipedia, by
1961
Xerox had almost US$60 million in revenue, and this value had leapt to
US$500 million by 1965.

5. The PC was never meant for home use

Many people made this prediction, but most notably Thomas Watson, chairman
of IBM said in 1943: "I think there is a world market for maybe five
computers". At the time, this may have actually been true. Retrospectively,
it's hilarious.

6. Antitrust won't bother Microsoft

"This antitrust thing will blow over," Bill Gates was quoted as telling a
group of Intel executives at a meeting on 11 July, 1995. Perhaps it was
more as self-comfort rather than as a prediction: two years later, the
antitrust complaints continued to roll in, most recently with Internet
browser company
Opera filing a complaint with the European Commission.

7. eBay will be huge in China

"We are on a tear to be the undisputed winner in China," said eBay CEO Meg
Whitman on 10 February, 2005. By December 2006, eBay said it would close
its operation in China and become instead the junior partner to Tom Online,
a
Chinese Internet portal and wireless firm.

8. Nobody will ever need more than 640KB of memory

"No one will need more than 637KB of memory for a personal computer. 640KB
ought to be enough for anybody," Bill Gates is alleged to have said in
1981.
Interestingly, Gates now denies saying this. But so many people believe he
did that he may as well have -- and he's certainly no stranger to bad
predictions. See below.

9. The death of spam

Another bad prediction from Gates, who declared in January 2004 at the
World
Economic Forum in Switzerland that spam would be dead in 24 months. Two
years later, security firm Barracuda said that in 2007, 95-percent of
e-mail messages were spam.

10. Windows will never be a 32-bit OS

"We will never make a 32-bit operating system," Bill Gates said at the
launch of MSX in 1983. Every version of Windows from then on progressively
got bigger peaking currently with Vista's 64-bit operating system.

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From: Whizzbang
CHICKEN WIRE SCULPTURE
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Whizzbang

Walmartians 2012  -- You'll Vomit at Some
 Click here

Le bon voisin-dobry soused
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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