Friday humour - March 02, 2012

From Burnout @ Bluehaze.

From: Anonymous
Subject: Disappearing car door

As it stands, the side impact safety regulations will not permit this kind
of a door.

Wow! That's really nice design.

 A technological advance for the auto industry that will probably be
available in many models, not too far down the road. Sure would prevent a
lot of dents, struggles in tight spaces, relieve difficulties for many in
entering or exiting a car, don't you think? Congrats to the innovators.
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Hilarious! people buying fresh meat

Selling Sausage

I can't believe this prank.
Hope you find it funny, too!
It's amazing it could be so funny when it's not even in English!!! (Italian
perhaps)?

(Wonder how many of those customers became vegetarians!)
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Court case

Court Case

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.

The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED'

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Eiffel tower
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Longevity calculator

Kind of fun to watch your age go up and down as you answer the questions.

Now this is interesting, give it a try....

How long will you live?
This is a calculator that estimates your life expectancy.

It was developed by Northwestern Mutual Life.
It's interesting that there are only 13 questions.
Yet, they can predict how long you're likely to live.
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING

WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING, PLACE THE CURSOR ABOUT 1 INCH ABOVE HIS HEAD.
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Face recognition in a crowd.. June 15, 2011 Vancouver BC

Another one - sent the Obama's inauguration one a couple of years ago (1474
Mp!). great pix! See your friend there?

Scary.  Who is watching you?

This is the crowd before the riot.   Put your cursor anywhere in the crowd
and double-click.  Keep double clicking and see what happens.  This is a
great tool for law enforcement.

Check this out ...

This is the photo taken by Port Moody photographer Ronnie Miranda that
appeared in our Tri-City News last Friday (24-June).

When you open this up, check the left hand side where you can upsize the
photo, and click on the Yellow print "view with GigaTag". Or simply left
click on a face over and over.

This is actually scary.  You can see - perfectly - the faces of every
single individual - and there were thousands!

Privacy?  Just think what the police and the military have at their
disposal.
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: KEVIN RUDD - "I WILL SURVIVE" - Queenslander

Doesn't take long for the Kevin and Julia u tubes to circulate. Hope you
enjoy.
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Men In Film

How to exhaust the brain - worked for me.
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Purchasing help needed

HELP NEEDED URGENTLY!

 Does anybody know how to cancel a bid on e-Bay?

 Yesterday, I put in a bid for a "Cowboy Outfit" and now it seems I'm only
six minutes away from owning the Australian Labor Party!

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: A Christmas 'thank you' from Japan........

If you have time to watch this it is very emotional but well worth it.

A Christmas "Thank you" from Japan.
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Don't you love politicians!!!

Better the devil you know

Thought you would like this comment in the SMH today - so so painfully
accurate!!!

Journo: Prime Minister, do you drive a white car?
Ju-Liar: well cars come in a variety of colours and I just happen to drive
one of those colours
Journo: But do you drive a white car?
Ju-Liar: As I said, car manufacturers in this country, and around the
world, produce cars in all sorts of colours and people can choose what
colour car to buy.
Journo: So what colour car do you drive?
Ju-Liar: I've answered your question.
Journo: NO, you haven't. I'm asking if it's true that you drive a white
car.
Ju-Liar: I've already answered your question several times.
Journo: With respect, you haven't answered my question, which is do you
drive a white car?
Ju-Liar: I've given you the answer I'm going to give. Next question please.

Commenter

The Other Guy

Location

Geelong

Date and time

Feb 23, 2012, 01:38PM

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Bit casual?
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: WHY MEN LIE

 One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river.  When he cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "Why are you crying?"  The woodcutter replied that his axe had
fallen into the water, and he needed it to make his living.  The Lord went
down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.  "Is this your axe?"
the
Lord asked. "No."  he replied. The Lord again went down and came up with a
silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.  Again, hr replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked.  The woodcutter replied, "Yes."  The Lord was pleased with
the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter
went home happy.

 Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
 When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you
crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"  The Lord went down
into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.  "Is this your wife?" the
Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

 The Lord was furious. "You lied!  That is an untruth!" The woodcutter
replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.  It is a misunderstanding.  You see, if
I had said 'No' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine
Zeta-Jones.  Then if I also said 'No' to her, You would have come up with
my wife.  Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given all three to me? 
Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives,
so THAT'S why I said 'Yes' to Jennifer Lopez."

 The moral of this story is: when a man lies, it is for a good and
honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Have a look - X Factor - Emmanuel Kelly

8 minutes but worth it. wow!

As one of the judges said "Will make everything you worry about so
pathetic" .        Now THAT'S true!
 Click here

More reading
 Click here

And Mum: (Kelly is now the legal guardian of the originally cranially
conjoined twins 
 Click here
from Bangladesh
 Click here
Trishna and Krishna
 Click here Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:   The Operating Cost Of A Chevy Volt

  _____

Don't know the accuracy of this report, but if I was in the market I would
want to check it out.

  _____

The Operating Cost Of A Chevy Volt .

Eric Bolling (Fox Business Channel's Follow the Money) test drove the Chevy
Volt at the invitation of General Motors.

For four days in a row, the fully charged battery lasted only 25 miles
before the Volt switched to the reserve gasoline engine.

Eric calculated the car got 30 mpg including the 25 miles it ran on the
battery. So, the range including the 9 gallon gas tank and the 16 kwh
battery is approximately 270 miles. It will take you 4 1/2 hours to drive
270 miles at 60 mph. Then add 10 hours to charge the battery and you have a
total trip time of 14.5 hours. In a typical road trip your average speed
(including charging time) would be 20 mph.

According to General Motors, the Volt battery hold 16 kwh of electricity.
It takes a full 10 hours to charge a drained battery.

The cost for the electricity to charge the Volt is never mentioned so I
looked up what I pay for electricity.

I pay approximately (it varies with amount used and time of day) $1.16 per
kwh.

16 kwh x $1.16 per kwh = $18.56 to charge the battery.

$18.56 per charge divided by 25 miles = $0.74 per mile to operate the Volt
using the battery.

Compare this to a similar size car with a gasoline engine only that gets 32
mpg.

$3.19 per gallon divided by 32 mpg = $0.10 per mile.

The gasoline powered car cost about $15,000 while the Volt costs $46,000.

So they want us to pay 3 times as much for a car that costs more that 7
time as much to run and takes 3 times as long to drive across country.

REALLY???

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From: Sir Edward
Subject: A DAY IN THE COUNTRY

If you enjoyed a "Weekend in London" a couple of weeks ago, now have a day
in the country.
 Click here

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From: Sir Edward
Subject: ROOSEVELT'S IDEA

It is a pity this does not seem to apply anymore whether it is
America or Australia!

US President Theodore Roosevelt's Ideas are right!

SOUNDS LIKE A PRETTY PERTINENT MESSAGE, EVEN IN 2012
A simple and sincere statement which we would not get away with today.

The year is 1907, over one hundred years ago....
US President Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an
AMERICAN in 1907.

'In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here
in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us,
he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an
outrage to discriminate against any such man because of  creed, or
birthplace, or origin.  But this is predicated upon the person's becoming
in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...
There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an
American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room
for but one flag, the American flag.... We have room for but one language
here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole
loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.'

Theodore Roosevelt

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Drawings from life
 Click here

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From: Tommo963
Subject: SHE'S A KEEPER IF YOU HEAR A WOMAN SAY . . .

She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .

I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you
right now!

This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.

Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.

Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?

I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.

You're my daddy! You're my daddy!

The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on
Friday.

Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? (Good one!)

Bar food again!? Kick ass.

Liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl-friend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and
talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a
wonderful Valentine's day gift!

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to
mess with it anymore.

I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more Jugs.

My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you
and your friends.

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it
again.

Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigarettes and beer. You
passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

You are so much smarter than my father.

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From: Tommo963
Subject: Abbreviated Insults

Abbreviated Insults
- for use in text messages on mobile phones or chat rooms

GOPlAinTraFk
- Go play in traffic

UvGotAFAcLikASqEzdTBag
- You've got a face like a squeezed tea-bag

IfUHdABrAnUdBDAjrus
- If you had a brain you'd be dangerous

IfUWnt2AMndREdrTherWldBNoChrge - If you went to a mind reader there would
be no charge

INoWenURLIinYaLpsMov
- I know when you are lying, Your lips move

TLItsROnBtNo1isHOm
- The lights are on, but no one is home

URAsMchUsAsMdGrdsOnATortus
- You are as much use as mud guards on a tortoise

TWhElsMvnBtTHmstrsDEd
- The Wheel's moving but the hamster's dead

URAsUsfLAsAChocl8Tpot
- You are as much use as a chocolate teapot

UR1SndwchShrtOfAPiKnk
- You are one sandwich short of a picnic

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From: Tommo963
Subject: A Good Pun is Its Own Reword

- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

- Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

- Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

- What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

- A backward poet writes inverse.

- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat
minor.

- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

- Every calendar's days are numbered.

- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

- A plateau is a high form of flattery.

- The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

- Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

- When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd
dye.

- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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From: Tommo963
Subject: The 12 things uttered by Yoda while making love . . . .

12. Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!

11. Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.

10. Feel the force!

9. Foreplay, cuddling. A Jedi craves not these things.

8. Down here I am. Find a ladder I must!

7. Do me or do me not, there is no try.

6. Early must I rise. Leave now you must!

5. You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my
ass.

4. Happens to every guy sometimes this does.

3. When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?

2. Ow, Ow, OW! On my ear you are!

1. Who's your Jedi Master? Who's your Jedi Master?

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: grandad

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and
Grandads is?

5 year old granddaughter is taken to school daily by her grandfather.

When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was
very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:
Gran and I didn't see a single w*nker, blind bastard,
d*ck-head, or Asian pr*ck anywhere on the way to school today!'

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From: Allnutts
Subject: PICTURE WORTH A TRILLION DOLLARS
 Click here

Heard about this on the news last week...still makes me damn mad to see
this photo though!

Reason why cameras not allowed in our Parliament!

           Oh Wonderful, while we are all praying to keep our
jobs!!!!!!!!!!

This picture is worth a trillion dallars

House Minority Leader pictured standing, far right, speaks while
        colleagues play solitaire Monday night as the House convened to
vote
        on a new budget. (AP)

The guy sitting in the row in front of these two....he's on Facebook,
        and the guy behind Hennessy is checking out the baseball scores.

These are the folks that couldn't get the budget out by Oct. 1,  and
        are about to control your health care, cap and  trade, and the 
list
        goes on and on....

Should  we buy them larger screen computers - or  -
        a ticket  home, permanently?

This  is one of their 3-DAY WORK WEEKS that we all pay for
        (salary is about $179,000 per year).

KEEP THIS GOING! DON'T LET IT STOP WITH YOU!

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Comic strips from the U.K.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Car with teeth
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: National Geographic Photos
 Click here

NICE.....has sound......:-)

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Funnies for the day!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Burritos
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: D*cks and B*obs
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: LAS VEGAS TOWER
 Click here

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From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Subject: Police

I started by thinking it was historical,

instead I found it was hysterical ........

albeit slightly politically incorrect

Everything you always wanted to know about Police.

Just click to turn the pages.
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Too Low    --
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: Fwd: BRAND NAMES FROM CHINA (and Japan)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Perspectives
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: For the word nerds
 Click here Click here

From the middle goddaughter - she's really clever - really.

Just buy her mag (see bottom - the email, not hers) and write and tell them
how well it's been proofed! J

Call me naff, call me daggy but I don't care! This is really clever J

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Motivationals
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Photos of dogs - the other side of the usual view
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Old and new...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Shanghai 1990 vs 2010

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Mars and Venus
 Click here Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: A question on leadership...
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: FW: Too true..
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:   Jason Wood - Labour Gov.Minister speech.
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:   Things you don't see every day
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Italians, it's in their blood
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Emailing: Museu_Walter_P._Chrysler
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Think you're coordinated? Watch this!!
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: FW: Throw away your combination lock
 Click here

Throw away your combination lock !!!

Just in case you're using a combination lock to secure your storage shed,
trailer, garage locker, or you're business valuables. Throw your
combination lock away !!!
So you think you are safe when you use a combination lock? Think again!
This is just what we need: One idiot kid telling many idiot kids how to
open combination padlocks without tools, skills, or intelligence required!
Just in case you were feeling like you were safe... WATCH THIS!

I received the following video and I thought that you might find it of some
use, especially since many of us use lockers secured with combination
padlocks at the gym, locker rooms at various clubs, storage buildings in
our back yards.
So, if you find cut up soda cans with pieces left over lying around, you'd
better be asking some questions! I wouldn't have believed this until I saw
this video. If you notice cut up soft drink cans lying around, you might
check your belongings that you had safely padlocked for safe keeping...
they just might not be where you left them!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Big toys
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

LOOK AT THE FIRST KOMATSU Dozer, it looks like a Cat D11.

The Largest Construction Vehicles In The World

The Largest Excavator - Terex RH 400

The Terex RH400 - the worlds largest hydraulic shovel - weighs 1078 Tons
with a shovel capacity of 94 tons in a single scoop. The RH400 has the
working ability to scoop up around 9900 tons of material every hour which
is a world record for a vehicle of this type.

The Terex RH400 price tag is 11 Million Dollars.

The Largest Haul Truck - The Liebherr T282

The Liebherr T 282B is an off-highway, ultra class, rigid frame, two-axle,
diesel/electric, AC powertrain haul truck designed and manufactured in USA
. It's offering one of the largest haul truck payload capacities in the
world, up to 400 short tons (363 t).

Biggest Earth Mover - LeTourneau L-2350

Designed to center-load haul trucks with capacities of up to 400 tons, the
L-2350 provides an operating payload of 160,000 pounds, a 24-foot lift
height, and an 11.5-foot reach.

* Operational weight 258 tons
* 2300 Horsepower
* 16 Cylinder 65.0 Liters Detroit Diesel Turbocharged Aftercooler Engine
* Hydraulic lifting payload 72 tons
* Standart Bucket 40,52 m³
* FuelTank 3974.68 Liters
* Hydraulic Oil 1230 Liters
* Tyres 70/70-57 SRG DT ( diameter 4 m and width 1.78 m)

The Largest Bulldozer - Komatsu D575A-3SD

The biggest dozer in the series is the "Superdozer" called the D-575A-3.
The Komatsu superdozer is powered by a turbo-loaded, drawer-air-cooled 12
cylinder diesel with the code name SA12V170E. This motor which develops a
performance range of 1150 HP has the capacity equal to the tank-content of
a medium-range car with 1800 r.p.m. The awesome performance of this mighty
engine and tremendous motor-torque allow this superdozer enormous feats of
pushing strength of over 485,000 lb. The colossal blade, which is carried
majestically by the D-575A-3, has a capacity of unbeatable 90 yd^3 which
allows it to push 348,000 lb of overburden effortlessly.

The Largest Mobile Crane - Liebherr LTM 11200-9.1

The LTM 11200-9.1 is the strongest telescopic crane on the market and has
the longest telescopic boom in the world. The eight-part boom is fully
automatically extended to and fixed at the desired length. In addition,
various lattice extensions are available. The Y-shaped telescopic-boom
guying system offers remarkable increases in load capacity.

The Largest Demolition Shear - Rusch Triple 34-25 with Genesis 2500
Demolition Shear

Genesis 2500 is a destruction machine with King Kong force.

The Largest Bucket - Wheel Excavator - Bagger 288

The Bagger 288 was built for the job of removing overburden prior to coal
mining in Tagebau Hambach , Germany . It can excavate 240,000 tons of coal
or 240,000 cubic metres of overburden daily – the equivalent of a
soccer field dug to 98 ft deep. The coal produced in one day fills 2400
coal wagons. The excavator is up to 721 ft long and approximately 315 ft
high. The Bagger's operation requires 16.56 megawatts of externally
supplied electricity. It can travel 6.6 to 33 ft per minute (0.1 to 0.6
km/h).

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:

The sun will stand as your best man
And whistle
When you have found the courage
To marry forgiveness
When you have found the courage to marry
Love.

- Hafiz of Persia


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[ End friday humour ]

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