Friday humour - February 24, 2012

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

So here we are in Oz enduring yet another Labor leadership contest. I never
cease to be amazed by the ability of the media in
Australia to actually fabricate a leadership contest out of thin air, and
then beat it up relentlessly for months, until Labor is finally forced to
have one just to shut the media up, so they can actually get some work
done. I will be soooooo glad when the challenge is over and has gone cold.
We might get some actual news then. Maybe.

This week's assortment arrives from the out boxes of Burnout, Johnny Green,
Kaos_reflex, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Tommo963,
Whizzbang, and those other anonymous types.

Enjoy!

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Beer, Fishing, Golf & S*x

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will  buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and s*x."

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OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!         
An 78-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam. 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back
a semen sample tomorrow.'  

The next day the 78year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like
this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. 
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with
her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth
in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.  

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing.' 

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'         
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

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For those that don't know about Australian history, here is a condensed
version:
 
Australians originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters
and gatherers. They lived on kangaroos on the plains during the summer and
would then go to the coast and live on fish and mussels in the winter.
 
The two most important events in all Aussie history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer. These were the foundation of modern Aussie civilisation and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of Australians into two
distinct sub-groups:
 
1.  Liberals, and
2.  Labor.
 
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet,
so while our early Aussies were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
 
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night,
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Liberal movement.
 
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off
the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Labor movement.
 
Some of these labor men eventually evolved into women. They became known as
pooftas. Some noteworthy Labor achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and voting to decide how
to divide the meat and beer that the
Liberals provided.
 
Modern Laborites and Union leaders like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish -
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard
Labor fare. Another interesting, evolutionary side note: most of their
women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, government workers - state and federal, personal
injury lawyers, journalists (especially at The Age), ABC staff, and group
therapists are Laborites.

Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or XXXX. They eat red meat
(rare), and still provide for their women. Liberals are big game hunters,
forestry workers, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, engineers, corporate executives,
athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who
works productively. Liberals who own companies, hire other Liberals who
want to work for a living.
 
Laborites produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. That is why most of the laborites
created the business of trying to get more for nothing - and usually plead
for government money to fund their unproductive, parasitical activities.
 
Here ends today's lesson in Australian history.
 
It should be noted that a Laborite may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it.
 
A Liberal will simply laugh, and be so convinced of the absolute truth of
history, that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and
to more Laborites - just to p*ss them off.
 
And there you have it.  

I'm going to have another beer and light the BBQ. 

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Age Activated Attention Disorder
 Click here

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Disneyland proposal
 Click here

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I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to
reveal the nicknames they had for their wives.

Best call was from the chap who called his wife Harvey Norman ...

"No interest for 18 months"

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A Kind Hearted Scotsman

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Incredible!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck, I'll treat
her!"

 ... So they walked past it again...

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Making a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should
be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat!.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor
is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

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It was Judi's first plane trip.

Boarding the aircraft she settled into a window seat in the non-smoking
section.

A man came over and politely said, "Ma'am, you're in my seat."

"Go away and find another seat!" Judi replied.

He said, "Okay, fine, you fly the plane.

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I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I
was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my
five-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.

"I'm going to meet a mean woman who always yells at Daddy," I told her.

"Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mom.'

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I remember learning to drive on my dad's lap. Did you guys ever do that?
He'd work the brakes. I'd work the wheel. Then I went to take the driver's
test and sat on the examiner. I failed the exam ... but he still writes to
me.

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A 66-year-old deputy U.S. attorney general in South Carolina lost his job
after police discovered him at a cemetery with an
18-year-old stripper, a bag of s*x toys, and a bottle of Viagra. To be
fair, people do grieve differently.

If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren't doing
much at 20.


I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too
much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they
kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

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A sadist and a masochist were put into the same jail cell and soon found
out about each other.

The masochist cried, "Oh, hurt me, pinch me, humiliate me. Please cause me
pain!"

The sadist looked at him and said, "No!

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A couple phoned a neighbour to extend birthday greetings. They dialled the
number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their
off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialled the wrong number.

"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need
all the practice you can get.

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Mary: And, you won't believe this, he unzipped his pants, pulled out his
erection, and asked me, "Do you want some of this?"

Jill: Oh God! what did you say?

Mary: I said, "No, thanks anyway, but you go ahead. You really don't have
enough to share!

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A couple was having dinner in an upmarket restaurant. The husband seemed
preoccupied and his wife told him so.

He replied, "I'm sorry darling, I have to make a confession about
something. Could you possibly love a man who cheated his business partner
out of 3 million dollars?"

"Possibly," said the wife, "provided the man doesn't suffer a conscience
attack and pay the money back.

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The obscene phone caller said, "If you can name what I have in my hand, you
can have it."

She responded, "If it fits in one hand, you can freakin' keep it!

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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher said,
"Why are you arguing"?

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to
whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your
age, I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

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Outside a Church a young boy is weeping, and an old lady approaches him and
says, "What's wrong, honey?"

The little boy replies between sobs, "My Grandma passed away this morning."

"I'm so sorry to hear this," says the kind old lady. "Do you want me to
call Father O'Riley?"

"No," replies the boy. "S*x is the last thing I have in mind."


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A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and
death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that
every time I breathe, somebody dies"?

"Really"?! he said. "Have you tried mouthwash?

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Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while
gambling, the big,

Las Vegas high- class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated
defibrillators.

They are computer controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to
revive a heart attack victim.

That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and
touch your finger to the doorknob.

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A woman talks to a psychiatrist and says, "You've got to help me doctor, my
husband thinks he's a racehorse! He neighs, sleeps on straw, and even eats
grain!"

"No problem," says the doctor. "I can heal him, but it's going to be
costly!"

"Oh, money isn't an issue," says the disgruntled wife. "He's already won
two races!

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My idea of a team effort is a lot of people doing whatever I say.

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It's not my fault I got detained by the Airport TSA agent when she steered
me into the full-body scanner and yelled out, "If you've got anything in
your pants you will have to take it out and hold it in your hand!"

She could have been more specific!

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There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time when they were at
their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how
cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was
the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest
igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and
poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and
fell onto the floor.

"Not bad," said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was
colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and
took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump
and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo
exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's
igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the
thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took
it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough,
it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

I think you can guess who won....

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A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car
when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily,
she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks
on the door.

When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car
broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until
tomorrow when I can get some help?"

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin'
with my sons Jed and Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the
farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.

"Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little
horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she
quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to
teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to
wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it
all night long.

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking
back and forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty
years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me neither," says Jed. "Let's take these things off.

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It's smarter to travel in groups...
 Click here Click here Click here

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Dream cat and owl.
 Click here

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Artwork from Wood
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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This is that funny photo
 Click here
College kids got to Love 'em!
Obama never saw it coming .. but boy was he p*ssed after it happened!
It is now rumoured that Obama has everyone's hands checked before taking
pictures with them.

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So, you think you're tough?
 Click here

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Do you know why Nike designed this model?
 Click here
To avoid this:
 Click here


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Loneliness vs. Poverty
 Click here Click here Click here
Here's a fabulous explanation of the symbiosis between LONELINESS &
POVERTY.
When your kids ask you: why they have to study or work all their life and
continue making money...
Show them this picture of Flavio Briatori - President of Renault... and his
current girlfriend...
And then explain that this is not a... 'LOVE RELATIONSHIP"... but a "HATE
RELATIONSHIP"...!!!
HE HATES BEING LONELY...
AND SHE HATES POVERTY

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Technical explanation of ABS brakes
 Click here

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Right place - right time
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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You think you're having a bad day...
then you step outside of your house...
and look up into the beautiful blue sky...
and see this!!!
 Click here
All of a sudden, that smile comes back to your face and things don't seem
quite so bad!!!
Now that's a big ass balloon!

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Nice Coat
 Click here
She named him D*ck!

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Why bugs hit windshields
 Click here

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The Last Photo in the Camera
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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For that special evening on an Italian Cruise.
 Click here

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Why I refuse to drive a small car
 Click here

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Here's how it's done guys....
 Click here

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Editing is so important...
 Click here

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British boarding schools know how to handle unruly students
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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