Friday humour - February 17, 2012

From Gussius@ Bluehaze

Jobs growth Downunder seems to be restricted to new prison officers, home
loan interest rate bean-
counters and internet dating scammers. Manufacturing & export lay-offs are
blamed on the high AUD which hits profitability; our stable, profitable
banks are shrinking to greatness for some other reason that escapes any
sensible logic; and a Prime Ministerial advisor suddenly exits stage left
to join the dole queue.

Meanwhile, an inquiry is underway to work out why all those new jobs are
not going to the unemployed and how we did so well a few decades ago when
the exchange rate was $US1.50 to the Ozzie dollar and we had full
employment.

Contributions this week are from Allnutts, Biggus, Billy Bunter of
Adelaide, KRP, Diks, Johnny Green,
Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Sir Edward, Tommo963, Whizzbang, Wronknee,
Anonymous3, Burnout,
Cartographer Chris, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Johnny Green, Mad Mick from
Marwick and anon.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

MY GERMAN SPEAKING FRIENDS WILL UNDERSTAND THE DIALOGUE:

This puts a whole new twist onto the term 'taking a connecting flight'
Need a little something to get going in the morning? If this doesn't get
your heart started, nothing will!

Look at stills, then watch the video.
(Tighten your seat belts)
The language you hear is the one spoken in the German speaking part of
Switzerland .
These glider pilots are unbelievable!
No power and flying like the Blue Angels!

Click Here and view the stills followed by the video:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Golfing:

My boss phoned me today.
He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't
stopped for a minute."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th
hole."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Band:

Want to brighten up your day??
 Click here

When the page opens, click on one character at a time (sound on)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I won $500 on a radio competition this morning. The DJ called me and said,
"We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going
to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air."

"Okay" I replied.

He said, "3... 2... 1... Congratulations to Marc, our competition winner,
what are you going to spend the money on?"

I said, "I'm going to spend it on air."

I'm so proud of my African pen pal.
He tells me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. Hang in there mate!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Snow warning:

A government warning on TV said that anyone travelling in icy conditions
should take:

Shovel, Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves 24 hours supply of food and
drink ...De-Icer 5Kgs of Rock Salt
Torch or lantern with spare batteries

Plus

Reflective Triangles
Tow rope 5 gallon petrol Jerrycan
First Aid Kit
Jump Leads

I looked a complete prat on the bus this morning !!!!!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ireland - So Beautiful - Enjoy:

I think that you might like this, too.
As the piece starts, the pictures of Ireland are amazing, but wait until 
*you get to the two spoken parts!*
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

My new living will:

This is something we all should have, a Living Will

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to
be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.  Under no circ*mstances
should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who
couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers,
doctors, and hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of
the following:  ______a Martini  ______a Margarita ______ a Scotch and soda
____ a Bloody Mary* **____* a Gin and Tonic _______ a Glass of Chardonnay
______ a Steak ______ Lobster or crab legs ______the remote control ______
a bowl of ice cream ______ the sports page ______ Chocolate or ______S*x,
then it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
 At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to
come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their
glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________

NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub.  The
patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors.  Some of them
don't even need embalming when their time comes.  If anyone knows the name
of this happy place PLEASE let me know!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The ride and the rider...UNBELIEVABLE!! Filmed in Scotland:

Yeah? My son did a lot more than this roobish in Greenwich when he was 11!
He's available for Bar Mitzvahs and cheap weddings..

Mind you, what else is there to do in Scotland? (sorry Bruce, James, all
clans et al J)

You have to watch this.  It's amazing what he does and the scenery and
music are breathtaking also.

This is insane, and the guy is no young kid either......  His bike is an
extension of his body
 Click here

Bloody incredible.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This worked for every address I put in so give it a try:

Except for Springfield via Millthorpe NSW - no idea where I was. Bruce?
I am dumbfounded as to how quickly it does this.

 This is amazing, if you have not seen it before just type in your address
or any family addresses after clicking on the link and look through the
window at the snow falling on your home today.

It's amazing!!!!

Click below to get something for Christmas you won't get anywhere else this
summer.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Bring on the pain:

No danger of Orthopods running out of customers.
 Click here

Wincing just watching it - funny how most of them are boys.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Technology does have some limitations:

If profanity offends, delete. jammy soldier or not.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Garage Door Opener

For seppo lovers (blue)
 Click here

Otherwise (red)
 Click here

I love this

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Beautiful Models + Remarkable Photography:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Penalty For Illegal Parking:

When a fine issued via the surveillance camera isn't sufficient penalty;
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Little John the Baptist:

Matt..18:4-5

"Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the
kingdom of heaven.
And who ever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. "

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with
their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and
went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and
ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of
water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before
he joined my church."

Send this to someone who needs a laugh today

May the Rest of your Life, be the Best  of your Life

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Very clever - The new music video from OK Go:

The new music video from OK Go, made in partnership with Chevrolet. OK Go
set up over 1000 instruments over two miles of desert outside Los Angeles.
A
Chevy Sonic was outfitted with retractable pneumatic arms designed to play
the instruments, and the band recorded this version of Needing/Getting,
singing as they played the instrument array with the car. The video took 4
months of preparation and 4 days of shooting and recording. There are no
ringers or stand-ins; Damian took stunt driving lessons. Each piano had the
lowest octaves tuned to the same note so that they'd play the right note no
matter where they were struck. For more information and behind-the-scenes
footage, see Click here and Click here Many thanks

to Chevy for believing in and supporting such an insane and ambitious
project, and to Gretsch for providing the guitars and amps.

Very clever Click here
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Cello Wars (Star Wars Parody):

lightsaber Duel - Steven Sharp Nelson
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Jokes:

New Principal

As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the
first day.

Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and
teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in
preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he
had been a
Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less
elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's
wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things
without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children,
don't we?"

Space Monkeys

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an
astronaut.
They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they
placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA's mission control centre announced, "This is
mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!"

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's
engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control centre announced, "This is mission
control to Monkey Two. Initiate!"

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle
separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control
to the astronaut..."

At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't
touch anything."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Pervert:

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "Have you got a tight unshaven
twat?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching television  - who shall I say is
calling?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Recall Notice - Makes One Think...

The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured,
regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and
central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named
Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all
subsequent units.

This defect has been identified as "Sub sequential Internal Non-morality,"
more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behaviour
6. Depression or confusion
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is
providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct
this defect.

The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the
entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no
additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the
REPENTANCE procedure.

Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart
component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, God will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8.. Gentleness
9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, eg. the B.I.B.L.E. (BEST Instructions
Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction
voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and
problems too numerous to list, and will result in the human unit being
permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on God.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will
have to be scr*pped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to
enter
Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your
attention!

- GOD

P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important
recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Off To College:

My son went happily off to college to study gynecology.  He heard there
were lots of openings.

Thanks for listening,

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 $120,000 HOLDEN HSV -W427:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Some people learn the hard way, all he had to do was buy a ford and
save,save,save
This driver  purchased a brand new Holden HSV W427 for $120,000

15 minutes after purchasing it...

At least the curtain airbags worked

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Wyoming Pole Dancer:
 Click here

This is great!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

REMEMBER VALENTINE'S DAY, GUYS :
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Why men can't play football with women:
 Click here

I think it's a concentration problem !!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

DON'T SIT AROUND THE HOUSE:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

DON'T SIT AROUND THE HOUSE!
Get out and enjoy nature!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Poor guy:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

WINNIE IN LONDON:

While visiting the United Kingdom, Winnie Mandela was invited to a c*cktail
party which was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher.

When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room she
barged past everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on the
way.

Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and
declared, "I hear they call you the Iron Lady !"

"I have been referred to by that name, yes," replied Maggie, peering down
her nose at this impudent upstart.

"And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing ?" asked
Maggie icily.

"I am the iron lady of South Africa !" bragged Winnie,  waving her fist in
the air.

"Oh yes," replied Maggie dryly.  "And for whom do you iron ?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

That Look......:
 Click here

The one you get after f*cking the whole country....

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

1947 Ford Truck:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

AWESOME.............

1947 FORD TRUCK SELLS FOR $800,000.00****

These pictures show a 1947 ford 1/2 ton pickup truck from Whitby, Ontario,
Canada that was just sold to
FORD MOTOR COMPANY of Detroit, Michigan, USA for the sum of $800,000.00,
plus a new
Ford F 350 dually truck.

This truck, according to Ford records, is one of only 35 that was ordered
and built in 1947 with factory installed.... McCulloch water cooled
supercharger, special carburetor, and special very low profile air cleaner
for the McCulloch, due to hood height problem. When installed, intake has
lower carb mounting height 'special supercharger intake', (see above air
cleaner) Edmunds finned aluminum heads, Fenton cast iron headers, factory
dual exhaust.

OTHER OPTIONS ORIGINALLY INSTALLED ON THE TRUCK: Sliding rear window,
installed outside sun visor, vacuum powered dash fan, factory compass,
ashtray, smokers kit, locking steering column, dome light, inside sun
visors, bumper mounted fog lights, some form of factory cruise control with
knob & wire in dash.

This truck was started to be restored by Dave Hill. Dave and his father Len
purchased the truck from the farmer who was the ORIGINAL OWNER, and who
ordered it equipped as it is, new in 1947.

Dave has added his own custom touches like the early luggage rack metal box
in pickup bed rear, blue dot twin taillights and other details. Metal
covered the spare tire cover.

What makes this truck so rare and valuable? As one of ONLY 35 doc*mented
"originally built", it may be the only one remaining with original numbers
matching example that can be authenticated and was by a team of Ford museum
employees before the offer, and the purchase was made. Apparently
there*'might be'*two other survivors that are in pieces, but cannot, or
have not, been authenticated.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

You get what you ask [& pay] for in the Oil industry:
This is Priceless and Classic.
A contract company out here was asked to stencil on the side of a fuel
tanker,
Diesel Fuel in Arabic and No Smoking in Arabic.

This is what came back.
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Monday humour
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Some old, some new. all offensive!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Early Friday Humour - it had to start:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

If only all graffiti looked this good:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

 Graffiti Art

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

My dog:
 Click here

It's just dawned on me....

My  dog sleeps about 15 hours a day.
He  has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if
any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he
needs and he is not required to do any upkeep..

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever..

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every
day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick

 OMG! I think my dog is a member of Parliament!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Under wire Bras From Around AUSTRALIA

For some women, it's easy to find bras that fit in styles they like. But
many others aren't so lucky, spending endless time and money in search of
that elusive perfect style and fit.

The underwire bra is designed to provide additional lift.

Underwire can be found in many different styles of bras.

Some women swear by their underwire and others find them very
uncomfortable.

One way to determine if this is a style of bra that will work for you is to
give it a try

Underwire Bra - from Sydney
 Click here

Underwire Bra - from Brisbane
 Click here

Underwire Bra - from Adelaide
 Click here

Underwire Bra from COLLINGWOOD....
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Walk with me as I age:
 Click here

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my
forwarding it will be worth the effort.

Walk with me by the water - worth the read...

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

Sh*t...
I forgot the words....

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New linen:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Slide:
 Click here

 No matter what your job, you can always try and make it interesting ....

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A REAL COWBOY HAS NO FEAR:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Parrot:
 Click here

I found a parrot setting on my front porch this morning

He keeps saying "Good morning, you old w*nker"

Is he yours?????

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

HOW YOU KNOW YOUR TROLLING MOTOR IS QUIET: XXX
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Great Breasts in Movies: XXX
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Pickering:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

THE BRILLIANT LARRY PICKERING IS BACK - THANK GOODNESS!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The drinking paddock:
 Click here
Only in the Northern Territory

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (February 10, 2012)  Index Next (February 24, 2012)