Friday humour - February 10, 2012
From: Allnutts
Beautiful! This is a wonderful, thought-provoking, one minute clip
You may have seen this before, but some things are worth seeing again.
It's not what you say, but how you say it.
Full of wisdom. . . . and very brief.
It's not a joke, it's not religious, it's not political.
It's just . . . special. I think you'll agree.
Please enjoy this one minute clip; it is truly special. It has a meaning
for all of us.
Click here
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Here are some interesting and true facts:
1. The Statue of Liberty's index finger is eight feet long.
2. Rain has never been recorded in some parts of the Atacama Desert in
Chile.
3. A 75 year old person will have slept about 23 years.
4. Boeing 747's wing span is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
The Wright brother's invented the airplane.
5. There are as many chickens on earth as there are humans.
6. One type of hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
7. The word "set" has the most number of definitions in the English
language; 192 Slugs have four noses.
8. Sharks can live up to 100 years.
9. Mosquitos are more attracted to the color blue than any other color.
10. Kangaroos can't walk backwards.
11. About 75 acres of pizza are eaten in in the U.S. everyday.
12. The largest recorded snowflake was 15 Inch wide and 8 Inch thick. It
fell in Montana in 1887.
13. The tip of a bullwhip moves so fast that the sound it makes is actually
a tiny sonic boom.
14. Former president Bill Clinton only sent 2 emails in his entire 8 year
presidency.
15. Koalas and humans are the only animals that have finger prints.
16. There are 200,000,000 insects for every one human.
17. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery had in
it to begin with.
18. The world's largest Montessori school is in India, with 26,312 students
in 2002.
19. Octopus have three hearts.
20. If you ate too many carrots, you would turn orange.
21. The average person spends two weeks waiting for a traffic light to
change.
22. 1 in 2,000,000,000 people will live to be 116 or old.
23. The body has 2-3 million sweat glands.
24. Sperm whales have the biggest brains; 20 lbs.
25. Tiger shark embryos fight each other in their mother's womb. The
survivor is born.
26. Most cats are left pawed.
27. 250 people have fallen off the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
28. A Blue whale's tongue weighs more than an elephant.
29. You use 14 muscles to smile and 43 to frown. Keep Smiling!
30. Bamboo can grow up to 3 ft in 24 hours.
31. An eyeball weighs about 1 ounce.
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Martin Jet Pack... What next?
Click here
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ALZHEIMER'S COLOR TEST
More difficult than you might think!
Color Test
A great test, do it until you get 100%!
Bet you can't get 100% on the first try! But I'm rootin' for ya...
This is pretty neat! See how you do with the colors! Have fun!
It's harder than it seems!
A brain waker-upper for today!
Click here
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From: Diks
You could put together your own group
Click here
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From: Johnny Green
Start picking your model
Look familiar, folks?
Click here
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From: Johnny Green
This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with
just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is
dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through
it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just
relax.
Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. Who art
in Heaven."
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From: Johnny Green
Who Needs Roundabouts?........ This is India
I know it's old but it's worth another look and the cameraman's sniff is
endearing (?) - love the pedestrian lower right towards the end. Plus some
other stuff.
Click here
The YouTube's Genius comment is "Amazing how there are no accidents or
deaths" - hmmmm:
India has the highest number of road accidents in the world -
Road accidents have earned India a dubious distinction. With over 130,000
deaths annually, the country has overtaken China and now has the worst road
traffic accident rate worldwide.
Click here
Many bikes? Check this 10 sec clip.
Click here
Can't understand it, although having tried to cross at marked crossings in
China (no point at all to them), maybe I'm getting the idea.
Proof? AS the man says Pedestrian crossings don't mean squat in China
Click here
I liked the comment though; well, the printable part "it's the same all
over
China. our survey predicts that China roads will be much safer in another
350 years."
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From: Johnny Green
Park4U Demo @ IAA - YouTube
Don't sneeze!
Click here
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From: Johnny Green
ANY QUESTIONS ??
Oldie but a Goodie Dept. er, it's 54 secs, not 20, but men always
exaggerate.
HERE IS A TWENTY-SECOND VIDEO:
THE FIRST PART IS SHOWING: GIRLS ARE BORN THIS WAY.
THE SECOND PART SHOWS: BOYS ARE BORN THIS WAY.
NO OTHER EXPLANATION IS NEEDED!
Click here
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From: Nottingham Smithie
satire at its best
Doreen's Story
Click here
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From: Nottingham Smithie
THE GERMAN - Interesting twist at the end
Incredible four minute footage of a desperate Spitfire vs. ME-109 dual.
You feel like you are there! Amazing computer work blended in with real
photography.
Also an interesting factual story that most of us did not know. History
is rarely 'over'.
Now sit back and strap on your parachute harness .... it is the Summer of
1940 over the skies of England. Listen to the perfect 'purr' of the Rolls
Royce Merlin ...
Watch this full screen. Itâ?Ts very well done. Click on the link below:
The German
Click here
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From: Nottingham Smithie
Playing my Song!
It's not everyone has a song written about them. That's why I always send
it on and share.
Playing my Song!
Click here
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From: Sack
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
for example...
A wife comes home late at night early from being out of town and quietly
opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them
stay in our bedroom.
Did you say 'hello'?"
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From: Sack
A blonde orders a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde
woman's b*obs and splashes all over them... The bartender goes over,
retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her b*obs.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the
third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the
bartender hit her b*obs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts
and she decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...
Why do you let the bartender do it?'
"Helloooo!", says the blonde,
'He has a licker license!'
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From: The Great Gussius
Three driving a moose-takes
Click here
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From: The Great Gussius
pass the parcel Chinese army style
Click here
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From: The Great Gussius
microwaves ruin everything
Click here
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From: The Great Gussius
Valentine's Day Downunder
Languages around the world have both similarities and differences when it
comes to telling your sweetheart that you love them.
For example, in the 'Romance' family of languages, depending on your
country you might say 'Ti amo' or 'Amote' or 'T'aimi' or 'Te amo' or 'Je
t'aime'.
In Africa in Swahil - 'nakupenda'; in the Chiyanja language -
'ndimakukonda'; in Bantu - 'ndinokuda' or in Zulu - 'ngiyakuthanda'.
In Australia, two expressions for negotiating a naughty are in common use:
'drop ya drawers luv' and
'lay down I think I love you'.
Happy Valentines Day.
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From: The Great Gussius
Aussie Valentines Pickup Line
A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he
leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says "No, I`ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm
drunk"
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From: Tommo963
cute baby
A couple brought their new-born son to the paediatrician for his first
check-up, the doctor said, "You have such a cute baby."
Smiling, the child's mother said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new
parents."
"No," he admitted, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you.!
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From: Tommo963
20 Worst Things To Hear At A Nuclear Power Plant
Fission shmission, relax, I'll increase the water level after my coffee
break.
Was that "Open valve A and close valve B" or was it the other way round?
This whole plant will be running under Windows tomorrow.
HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?
Who forgot to pay the water bill?
We got 12 seconds to WHAT????
Meet your new plan superintendent: Bozo the clown.
A leak? Can't you fix it with duct tape or something?
Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow.
It's Russian technology.
Sniff, sniff.... you smell that?
I used to work at Chernobyl.
All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you fool!
It's your turn to wax the core.
How come all the big shots are leaving?
Is that a 60 minute film crew out there?
Is this part really necessary?
OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn't finish it, though.
Look at the good news: we are going to find out whether people actually
glow in the dark.
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From: Tommo963
Heavy rain and mud had stranded the woman's van in their driveway, Her
husband rocked the van back and forth and finally pushed her free.
A short while later, while on the road, she heard an odd noise coming from
under the van. Concerned, she got on her cell and called home.
"Thank God you answered," she said when her husband picked up. "There's
this alarming sound coming under the van. For a minute I thought I was
dragging you down the highway."
In a shocked voice, her husband replied, "And you didn't stop?!
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor
for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had
gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first asked. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on this course yesterday when a guy on the ninth hole hooked a
shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 kph when it hit me
square in the nuts."
"What does that have to do with your teeth?" asked the first.
"Well" he explained, "That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't
hurt."
Walking home from the pub, this guy hears a "Psst! Psst!-give me a hand
with this pig would you?"
"Sure", said the guy, "what are you planning on doing with it?"
"I'm carrying it indoors and putting in the bath-tub."
"Why the hell do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?"
"Well,you see, it's my wife, she is one of those women who knows
EVERYTHING!. I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up again she
says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the
East again.. she says I know! I tell her Francis down the road is ill in
hospital and she knows that too. Well, tomorrow morning...she always gets
up before me.. . . . and when she to me runs screaming THERE'S A PIG IN THE
BATH!, THERE'S A PIG IN BATH!..
I'll just turn to her and say Yeah, I know!"
Do you know what you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an
Athiest? Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
- Guy Owen
Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make
motions as if he would like to speak.
The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and
asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"
The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and
pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give
it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took hem and scrawled his
message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands.
Then, moments later, the man died. After administering the last rites, the
priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit,
the priest handed her the note. "Here were his last words. Just before
passing on, he wrote this message to you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which read:
"GET OFF MY *!#%*!!**$%^! OXYGEN TUBE!!"
A drunk sees a man looking under the hood of his car. "Wassup?"says the
drunk.
The man says, "Piston broke."
"Yeah," says the drunk. "Me, too."
Although the married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it
was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was
concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the
lake he suddenly said to his wife,
"Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You
must get the boat safely to shore."
She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and
was able to safely drive the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband
was watching television. She sat down next to him,
grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him,
"OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes
Last year I entered the Sydney City To Surf Marathon. The race started and
immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The bloke who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He
said, "Hey mate, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
Californians
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,
somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:
1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation
in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.
5. You can't remember . Is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown,
and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball
cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:
"STORM WATCH." (I love this one!!)
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy
with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and
cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here
illegally, they want to give you one.
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It was Valentines Day and a little old couple in their eighties were
sitting on the couch watching TV. For a lark, the old man switched over to
the Playboy Channel.
They watched for a few minutes, then he looked at her and asked,
"Do you think we can still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready
and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the
bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom
floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could
just drop it in!
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great
Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the
apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the
entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd acc*mulated a
fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Here's to nipples. Without them, tits would be pointless.
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Q. Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
A. The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
Dozens of art enthusiasts gathered at an important gallery for the
exhibition of a favourite artist. One critic asked the artist how he had
managed to achieve such interesting effects. "It's very simple. I put a
canvas on the floor, dump paint on it and then have two or three nude
beauties slither all over it.
"That must be quite stimulating."
"Not especially, but cleaning the brushes is a lot of fun."
A very devout Catholic woman was preparing to receive the local parish
priest at her house, and was bustling around trying to get everything spick
and span. In her haste, she accidentally knocked over her nice crystal
glass sugar bowl, smashing the glass and spilling all the lumps of sugar on
the floor. At that moment,
the door bell rang, and in her confusion, she quickly scooped up the sugar
lumps, and shoved them into her very ample cleavage.
A few minutes later, she and the priest were sitting at the table,
having a cup of tea. "Do you have any sugar please, Mrs O' Reilly?"
asked the priest, and without stopping to think, she gave him two lumps
from where she had hidden them.
"Some milk Father?"
"Oh no thank you" spluttered the priest, quickly drawing back and standing
up....
Today is International Ninja Day, when people are encouraged to carry toy
weapons and wear black masks. And as I found out the hard way, my bank
wasn't celebrating it." -Jimmy Fallon
An English parachutist and an Irish parachutist were arguing about who was
best at folding a parachute.
Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a
plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their parachutes.
The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down
towards the earth.
Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled
his safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the
Irishman, plummeting like a stone.
"Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race,
do ya?!"
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From: Whizzbang
This is a gun show
Click here
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From: Whizzbang
flying people
Click here
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From: Whizzbang
Medical Advancements
Leading Drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be
used in experiments.Muslims will be used instead. A top scientist has
stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed just as fast as
rabbits, but you just don't get fond of them.
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From: Allnutts
Your morning smile
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
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From: Allnutts
The Matchstick Fleet
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Click here Click here
Amazing obsession.79-year-old Phil Warren from the UK spent 62 years to
build this incredible fleet of 432 ships.
All vessels are built entirely of matchsticks and boxes of wooden matches.
The collection includes nearly 370 American and 60 British ships.
Although now he has now reached 79 years of age, he began creating his
first boat in 1948, when he was only 17.
This uses a razor blade, tweezers and sandpaper to carve the pieces and
boxes, then sticks with balsa wood glue.
In total more than 650,000 used matchsticks to create an amazing collection
of 1:300 scale models.
Even 1,200 aircraft made even more realistic appearance to dress the decks
of aircraft carriers.
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From: Allnutts
No Engine & 156 mph
What's it like flying down a mountain at 250 km/h?.....
Click here
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Made with bottles
Click here
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Some funnies
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
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Wal-Mart Custom Car Show...
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Great t-shirt
Click here
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When you think nobody cares...
Click here
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From: Biggus
Uncanny Resemblance?
Click here
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From: Burnout
Boys' Choir
Click here
Two young choir boys pulled this off without cracking up, but they DO crack
up the audience. Vocalists will especially appreciate the control these
young men had to have while the audience was laughing.
This is absolutely too cool not to check-out.
It is an original piece of music written by Rossini and performed by two
sopranos.
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From: Cartographer Chris
Why Allah Gave These People Camels
Click here
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From: Johnny Green
Beautiful pics
Click here
Pretty good. helps if you like cats.
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From: Johnny Green
Veloce Racing Association ITALIANS
Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Johnny Green
Compilation
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Johnny Green
Position vacant
Click here
Genu-eye-ne.
The queue is already back to Bathurst .. J
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From: Nottingham Smithie
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
It's so nice to see a deer shot by a Canon instead of a rifle
Deer visits cat in yard every morning! (Some guy in Pennsylvania took the
pictures.)
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From: Nottingham Smithie
Icarus in Norway .
Click here
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From: Sack
Bikers deal with PETA
This can't be true, but even so .
Try to read this without laughing out loud . . ..
What a wonderful coming together of two diverse groups!
We need more gatherings where the idiot activists are given warm, moist,
aromatic welcomes like this one. This is why PETA usually protests women
wearing fur rather than bikers wearing leather. Sounds to me like the old
saying, "you mess with the bull, and you get the horns".
Gee, I guess these characters thought that Bikers were going to be
'politically correct' like the rest of the wimpy world.
HERE'S HOW POLICE FOUND ONE OF THEM.
Click here
Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) - Local and state police scoured the hills
outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights
activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather
at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously
reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside
fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials.
"Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the
protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong." The organizer
said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of
throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather
or fur coats," decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event "in a
hope to show them our outrage at their wanting to use leather in their
clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer, "motorcycle
gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it
was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it,
ergo, they should stop."
According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's
era Volkswagen Van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled
with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers"
to passersby. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.
"They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked
like I was French, started calling me 'La Trene', and duct taped me to a
tree so they could pee on me all day!"
Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under
duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers
"farted on their heads."
Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the
ongoing nature of the investigation; however, organizers for the motorcycle
club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations.
"That's preposterous, "said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing
committee. "We were having a party, and these people showed up and were
very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to
ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party!
What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all
members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about
inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to
be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make
them feel welcome."
When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat,
using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food
restaurant dumpsters, and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer declined
to comment in detail.
"That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer.
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From: Sack
Quote of the day from BETTY WHITE
Click here
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From: Sack
A VERY unusual bridge
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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The Great Gussius
How To Build A House Redneck Style
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Who said Rednecks weren't innovative.
The fastest & cheapest way to build a house.
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From: The Great Gussius
How Aliens Fish
Click here
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From: Whizzbang
What happens when you downshift from 6th to 1st in a fully loaded 793!!
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
What happens when you downshift from 6th to 1st in a fully loaded 793!!
Without knowing the engine it will be a little hard for you to pick what's
what.
It was once 3516 cat engine. 16 cylinder one piece block, in a couple of
the pics you can see where the crank decided to bail out straight through
the bottom.
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From: Whizzbang
Hi Handsome
Click here
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From: Whizzbang
Click here Click here
You could not make this up.. Good old dumb Egyptians
A contract company out here was asked to stencil on the side of a fuel
tanker,
Diesel Fuel in Arabic and No Smoking in Arabic.
This is what came back.
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From: Whizzbang
Gas cylinder vehicle incident
Click here
Must be only Toyotas that this happens to
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From: Whizzbang
Bring the Pain Fail Compilation
Click here
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From: Whizzbang
Can you find the human?
Click here
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From: Whizzbang
Think aussie has big crocs. This one is from africa
Click here
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[ End friday humour ]
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