Friday humour - January 20, 2012

From Gussius @ Bluehaze

An economic wrap-up:

The world economy continues to power along as if on a Mediterranean cruise
with an Italian captain on the bridge –the Hudson Bridge. To make ends
meet, Greece announced she will lease out some of her most cherished
archaeological sites to advertising firms. China continues to make up
numbers that the wife - or the IMF - will believe. The US is too
pre-occupied with presidential primaries to worry about anything as
important as the economy just now.

Queensland outperformed the broader Australian economy last year, but
researchers are comparing her to the other states which are developing
expertise in breathing under economic raw sewage.

All in all, another economical week in paradise.

This week’s contributions were sent by Anonymous3, Arfermo, Dianne, Diks,
Duke of Barsinov, Johnny
Green, Kaos_reflex, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Tommo963, Whizzbang, Mitta
and the ever productive
Anonymous.

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Boat Lift from Manhattan:

This is awesome and I never knew anything about this... something new on
9-11
Greater than the boat lift of Dunkirk in WWII, 500,000 people in 9 hours,
by boat.
I had not been aware of this wonderful effort!
Narrated by Tom Hanks.
 Click here

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Single White Feline:
 Click here

Something to think about.......

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Has to be Walmart Family Photos:

Makes me wonder what Christmas morning is like at these people's homes!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to You All!

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I don't normally like baby videos:

... but this one made me laugh.
 Click here

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Cute little truck :)
 Click here

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Mrs Brown:
Mind the strong language.
 Click here

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New Truck:

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new
Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I
wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct.

The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "CHANGE" lapel pin) sat in the
passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed
warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in
the summer heat.

Feeling a little frisky and messing with him, I mentioned that this must be
a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I
explained that if it were an
Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership... guy had no sense of humor.

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LSU:

LSU football team is reportedly still in New Orleans. Somebody put a 50
yard line in front of the team bus.

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Anvil Shooting:

LMAO!

What's an anvil shoot?
It's a "guy thing" you have to witness.
The younger generation says, "What's an anvil?"
This guy is one of us wrinkled, gray headed old farts who remembers anvils.
He lives in Wilber, Nebraska.
 Click here

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DAMN FINE EXPLANATION:

Clever husband!!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig" she cried. "How
dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! 
I'm leaving you .. I want adivorce right away!"

And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can
tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the
last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home
and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out
and defenceless, that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told
me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made
for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested she shower and while she was
doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw
them away.

Then as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had
for a few years, but don't wear because you say theyare too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you
don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the s*xy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my
understandingand help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me
with tears in her eyesand said,

Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?" 

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Banker?:

Deep breath before and a nice cuppa afterwards. there is a language warning
on many of these Morgana Show clips. Salty is not the word.
 Click here

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My Parents Made Me Play Football..:
2004 but worth a rerun as it's cute. Rings a bell for some.
 Click here

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Patrolling Manly Beach, Australia:
For beach goers this summer - beware.
 Click here

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A Summer Romance ... between the sheets.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you
laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your
hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near
crazy while you drained me.

Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only
the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it
all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........

Another mosquito !

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Wow! I count 15!
How Arabic tea is served.
 Click here

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This is how you play snooker:
Being a student of this fine game, I think this was one of the greatest
maximums ever scored
 Click here

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Teacher from India explaining the word "F*ck"
This is a lesson of the English language.
 Click here

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Parking:
This is how you park normally, isn't it?
 Click here

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She almost made it:
You AND Silvio Berlusconi!! Bunga bunga indeed.
 Click here

I'd have given her the job........

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Philosophy 501:

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a
Lamborghini than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the (offending person)'s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when
they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

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Message Body:

I was sitting at a stop light yesterday.... minding my own business,
waiting for it to turn green. A carload of young, loud yobbos shouting
anti-Australian slogans stopped next to me. The light changed, the yobbos
shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me. Suddenly a
B-Double came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it
completely. For several minutes I sat in my vehicle thinking to myself,
"Man, that could have been me!". So, today... bright and early, I went out
and got me a job as a truck driver.

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Noah's Ark:

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark ..

ONE: Don't miss the boat. TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat!
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. FOUR: Stay
fit. When you're 70 years old, someone may ask you to do something really
big. FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to
be done. SIX: Build your future on high ground. SEVEN: For safety's sake,
travel in pairs. EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on
board with the cheetahs. NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile. TEN:
Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm,
there's always a rainbow waiting.

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MEXICAN WEDDING:

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but
Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a
honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was
undressing Maria said,

'Oh Pedro, what is that?'

Pedro being very quick thinking said, 'Maria, I am the only man in the
world with one of these.' And, then,
he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.

The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home
that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.

'Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of
those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the
shed, and he had one, too.'

Thinking fast, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I
had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world
with one of those.'

Marie being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again
that night.

Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning; and, when he returned
home, Maria was very upset,
stamping her foot on the porch.

Pedro said, 'Maria, what is the matter now?'

'Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!'

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Costa Concordia:

The Friday the 13th grounding of the Concordia was one of the most dramatic
cruise ship accidents in superstitious memory. It immediately raised a host
of questions like why did it hit a reef so close to the
Tuscan island of Giglio? Why not an iceberg?

Passengers Alan and Laurie Willits from Wingham, Ontario, celebrating their
30th wedding anniversary,
said they were watching the magic show in the ship's main theater when they
felt an initial jolt, as if from a severe steering maneuver. That was
followed a few seconds later by a "shudder" that tipped trash cans over.

The subsequent listing of the ship made the theater curtains seem like they
were standing on their side.

"And then the magician disappeared," Laurie Willits said.

....Then the parrot on a life raft said.......

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Los Angeles earthquake simulation:

The screen shows a map view on the left and an alternate view in the right
hand pane as if from an aeroplane, but from the opposite direction as a
magnitude 7.8 earthquake moves along the San Andreas fault. This is an
exaggerated simulation based on computer modelling.

Colours indicate varying strength, with red as the epicentre and the
shockwave moving northward and waves radiating outwards at about 5000mph
(8000kmh).
 Click here

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An elderly couple driving joke:

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was
behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he
say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your licence?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your licence!"

The woman then gave the officer her licence.

"I see you are from Perth," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there
once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!

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More One Liners:

"Why do the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather
forecasts and economists?"

Two teenage girls in Georgia robbed a bank. I have to say one thing. It's
nice to see young women stealing money without the help of divorce lawyers.
-- Craig Ferguson

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Walk off the Earth: some original stuff themselves have also produced some
very clever YouTube video cover versions of a few well known songs.

Check em out:

Somebody That I Used to Know
 Click here

Someone Like You
 Click here

Yesterday
 Click here

Grenade
 Click here

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Lost Petrol Cap

David filled his car with Petrol at a self-service Petrol station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the Petrol
cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done
the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the
road since even if he couldn't find his own Petrol cap, he might be able to
find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a Petrol cap. He
tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," David thought, "I lost my Petrol cap, but I found another one that
fits.

"And this one's even better because it locks."

Friendly Bears

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio
operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the
silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears
listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then
another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let
loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio
link.

When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small
voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

Lawyers Playing Poker

A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.

"I win!" said Johnson.

Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is
cheating!!!"

"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.

"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

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Jokes:

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people
in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben (1927 - )

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the
middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins
splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he
can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the
bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his p*nis with black shoe polish.

I said, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!

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Jokes:

Love and Marriage
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a
new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her
father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images
would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church,
the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

Model Stools
I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady friend. We were
walking past the furniture section where there were several different
models of bar stools on display. Next to them there was a sign that read:
"All models in stock now!"

So I paused next to the display and said, "Do you know what these are?"

"What?" she asked.

I said, "Stool samples."

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...
- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

- During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway.

- He tells you that his last good case was a "Boags"

- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

- He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call the Bundy Bear to the stand!"
and proceeds to drink a shot.

- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

- He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defence table.

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YOU'VE LOST YOUR STUTTER:

Two blokes meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

First bloke asks the second bloke, "How have things been going?"

The second bloke speaking very slowly, tells the first bloke,

"I... w... a... s - a... l... m... o... s.. t - m... a... r... r... i...
e... d"

The first bloke says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!"

The reply comes,"Y.. e.. s... I.... w.. e.. n.. t - t.. o... a - d.. o..
c.. t.. o.. r...
a.. n.. d .h.. e - .t.. o.. l.. d - m.. e.... t.. h.. a.. t - i.. f - I -
s.. p.. e... a.. k - s.. l.. o.. w.. l.. y - I....w.. o.. u.. l.. d.... n..
o.. t - s.. t.. u .t.. t.. e.. r."

The first friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost
married.

"W.. e.. l.. l, - m.. y - f.. i.. a.. n.. c.. e.. e - a.. n.. d - I - w..
e.. r.. e - s.. i.. t.. t.. i.. n.. g - o.. n - h.. e.. r
p.. o.. r.. c.. h - a.. n... d - t.. h.. e... d.. o.. g... w.. a.. s - s..
c.. r.. a.. t.. c.. h.. i.. n.. g - h.. i.. s - b.. a..
c.. k -
s.. o - I - t.. o.. l.. d - h.. e.. r - t.. h.. a. t - w... h.. e.. n - w..
e - a.. r.. e - m.. a.. r.. r.. i.. e.. d, -
s.. h.. e - c.. a.. n - d.. o - t.. h.. a.. t - f.. o.. r - m.. e - a.. n..
d - t.. h.. e.. n - s.. h.. e - t.. h.. r.. e.. w - t.. h.. e - r.. i.. n..
g - i.. n - m.. y - f.. a.. c.. e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first mate.

"W.. e.. l.. l, - I - s.. p.. e.. a.. k - s.. o - s.. l.. o.. w.. l.. y, -
t.. h.. a.. t - b.. y - t.. h.. e - t.. i... m... e - s.. h.. e -l.. o..
o.. k.. e.. d - a.. t - t.. h.. e - . d.. o.. g - h.. e - w.. a.. s - ..
l.. i.. c.. k.. i.. n.. g - h.. i.. s - b.. a.. l.. l.. s."

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A joke and a one liner:

On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call
from a driver who needed a tow.

He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car
he was driving.

I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a nice blue
four-door."

After a long pause, the driver replied, "My car is the one on fire.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the
faster it goes. (Author Unknown)

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One Liner:

I used to know a woman that was scared to death of flies, until one day she
unzipped one.
-Joe Podorsek

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I wanna be a Garbo:

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be
when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange
ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "that's because he thinks that garbage
collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

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Jokes:

An elderly couple sat through a porno theatre movie twice. They didn't get
up to leave until the theatre was ready to close for the night. "You folks
must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting," said the old lady.

"It was revolting," her husband added.

"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.

"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady
replied. "We couldn't find my panties,
and his teeth were in them!

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

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Jokes:

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

A woman had forgotten to get her estrogen patch prescription refilled and
soon the her symptoms of menopause (hot flashes, forgetfulness,
irritability) returned.

At the Chemist, she found herself telling the pharmacist all about her
problems.

After listening patiently, he asked, "So, how many people asked you to get
this refilled?

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, a
Medical Imaging staff member took some X-rays of a trauma patient and
delivered the results to the senior radiologist, who studied the multiple
fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

"What on earth happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree according to the report."

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Mark's Expert Tree
Pruning Service."

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, Cross out
'Expert'

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Why people go to Florida every winter:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Finders Keepers ??

Florida retirement RV

Practicing to be nudists

Enjoying retirement

S*xy senior citizens

Hear no evil - speak no evil - WTF - see no evil !

Oh my!

Looks like the tide is coming in

This is just wrong

So ..... what is this ?

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Brave Squirrel Mom:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Can you imagine being the photographer who caught this?

Lab has baby squirrel pinned down... And Mother sees it (from above)!

Mom takes action!!

Dog gets it from Mom and baby gets away!

Mother consoles baby and... Look at the dog's face... This has to be what
he is thinking... "What the hell just happened? Did I just get my ass
kicked by a squirrel?

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I let my grandson see my SS retirement check:
 Click here

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Turtles:
 Click here

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Phone:
 Click here

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Beyonce:
 Click here

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First aid following a motor vehicle accident:
 Click here

Just look at that, will ya?

This guy deserved only the best and he got it!

Truly – state of the art technique was used...

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Coffee:
 Click here

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AVIATION PICS:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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B757 at Gatwick with wake vortex ! !

B757 showing wing vortex on clouds ! !

B767 wing vortex on clouds ! !

B787 Dreamliner

A7'S TUCSON AFB - -

A340 rainbow contrail

EMIRATES 1.5 billion dollar A380 - since wrecked ! !

A330 landing Amsterdam with dramatic sky ! !

Russian Antonov 225 on ground - - largest plane in world ! !

Camera at FL 340 , 747 at FL 350 , and B777 at FL 380 ! !

CONCORDE 101, last official flight ! !

Concorde 101 parked - - nose down ! ! Look at stretch marks on skin ! !

CONCORDE 102 ,

F 15C, fastest takeoff ever measured ! !

F 15E Strike Eagle - Wales - -

F 111C AARDVARK Sump, and burnout ! !

FA 18 going SONIC ! !

FL 330, FL 340-very dramatic-going opposite and 1000' separation !

B52's in boneyard in TUCSON AZ- -

Below, Sukhoi SU-27's in close and tight - not tricked ! !

CONTRAIL - B747 "

B747 past a half Moon ! !

B757 against a full Moon ! !

Even if you're not into aviation, these are pretty Awesome pictures!

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Hah!:
 Click here

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Where all the guys are going...:
 Click here

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Career Path Dilemma....:
 Click here

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Meanwhile, in Australia:
 Click here

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Look out:
 Click here

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Sit down:
 Click here

Someone’s mad!!

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The Doorbell - Power message:
 Click here

Power Line Blog held a prize competition for $100,000 for whoever can most
effectively and creatively dramatize the significance of the federal debt
crisis. Any creative product was eligible: videos, songs,
paintings, screenplays, Power Point presentations, essays, performance art,
or anything else. Several entries have gotten a lot of attention and a lot
of views or listens. But unquestionably, the one that has most gone viral
so far is Doorbell.

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100 years in 10 minutes:

This is amazing film footage compressed into TEN (10) minutes; but it is
somewhat sad --as most of it shows the negative side of humanity.  But
without a doubt, it certainly is informational and it doesn't lie.....
 Click here

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IT HAS FINALLY ARRIVED:
 Click here
Works for me. A Keyboard for Old, Retired Guys

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Cup size: [XXX]
WHICH OF THE FOUR CUP SIZES PICTURED BELOW EXCITES OLDER MEN THE MOST?
please, try to be honest, 1, 2, 3 or 4?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Incidents and Accidents:
 Click here
Some old, some new - after all, it's the season!

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Great Discovery:
 Click here
This is really interesting stuff

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Vintage photos of logging in the nw of Tasmania:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
How things have changed - now just slash and burn......

These are photographs taken of the logging that was North West Tasmania at
the turn of the last century.

When the Northwest logging industry was still young...

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North Korean Flying Trapeze:
 Click here

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Frost Flowers:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Heaton Bay.

FRISCO - One of Summit County's most ephemeral natural phenomena manifested
itself on Dillon
Reservoir this week, as the recently frozen surface bloomed with millions
of frost flowers. The ice crystals seem to appear almost magically in the
early pre-dawn hours, then disappear again a few hours after the sun comes
up.

Frost flowers form on thin ice when the air is much colder than the surface
of the ice. A temperature difference of at least 15 degrees Celsius
provides optimal growth conditions, but growth can occur at a lower
temperature gradient if the air is humid enough.

The flowers form when a layer of supersaturated vapour is found directly
above the ice, caused by the sublimation of ice into the dry, cold air. As
the warmer, wet air meets the overlying cold air it becomes supersaturated
and condenses as hoar-frost like crystals on the ice surface.

Frost flowers are most commonly found on freshly formed ice. Once the ice
gets thicker, its upper surface cools down, cutting the temperature
contrast needed for the formation of the large crystals.

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Amazing paths of life:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Dancing to a Polka, Lawrence Welk:
 Click here

 Lawrence Welk Show was on weekly starting in 1951 and still has some
following for reruns. Welk reminds me of Ed Sullivan, in that, they were
always in charge, no sense of humor, and very stiff. At times on the show,
Welk would have cast members dance with audience members. This video, Welk
and Bobby
Burgess dance with a woman from the audience, but lose control of the
situation!!

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NUN AT THE AIRPORT:

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT
TELLS YOUR
FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS
ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER COIN IN,
OUT CAME A
CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, AND YOU ARE GOING TO
MELBOURNE .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE
SAME CARD
TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE
DECIDED TO
TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER COIN IN, AND
OUT CAME A CARD
THAT READ:

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE
GOING TO PLAY A
VIOLIN.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG - I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT
EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A MAN CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS VIOLIN CASE
ON THE SEAT
BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE MAN'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE
VIOLIN, AND
STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,
'THIS IS
INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER COIN, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME
OUT. IT READ,
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG , YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE
GOING TO BREAK
WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE
NEVER BROKEN
WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE
SHE SLIPPED, AND
AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE
WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID
TO HERSELF,
'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.' SHE WENT BACK TO
THE MACHINE, PUT IN
ANOTHER COIN AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT

IT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND
AND MISSED
YOUR FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE .'

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Cartoons Not Commonly Found In The Sunday Funnies:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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THE EAGLE NAMED FREEDOM:
 Click here Click here

This is the kind of story you need when it seems like the world is out of
control.

Freedom and Jeff

Freedom and I have been together 11 years this summer. She came in as a
baby in 1998 with two broken wings. Her left wing doesn't open all the way
even after surgery, it was broken in 4 places. She's my baby.

When Freedom came in she could not stand and both wings were broken. She
was emaciated and covered in lice. We made the decision to give her a
chance at life, so I took her to the vet's office.

From then on, I was always around her. We had her in a huge dog carrier
with the top off,

And it was loaded up with shredded newspaper for her to lie in. I used to
sit and talk to her, urging her to live, to fight; and she would lay there
looking at me with those big brown eyes. We also had to tube feed her for
weeks.

This went on for 4-6 weeks, and by then she still couldn't stand. It got to
the point where the decision was made to euthanize her if she couldn't
stand in a week. You know you don't want to cross that line between torture
and rehab, and it looked like death was winning.

She was going to be put down that Friday, and I was supposed to come in on
that Thursday afternoon. I didn't want to go to the center that Thursday,
because I couldn't bear the thought of her being euthanized;
but I went anyway, and when I walked in everyone was grinning from ear to
ear. I went immediately back to her cage; and there she was, standing on
her own, a big beautiful eagle. She was ready to live. I was just about in
tears by then. That was a very good day.

We knew she could never fly, so the director asked me to glove train her. I
got her used to the glove, and then to jesses, and we started doing
education programs for schools in western Washington. We wound up in the
newspapers, radio (believe it or not) and some TV. Miracle Pets even did a
show about us.

In the spring of 2000, I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I had
stage 3, which is not good (one major organ plus everywhere), so I wound up
doing 8 months of chemo. Lost the hair - the whole bit.
I missed a lot of work. When I felt good enough, I would go to Sarvey and
take Freedom out for walks.
Freedom would also come to me in my dreams and help me fight the cancer.
This happened time and time again.

Fast forward to November 2000; the day after Thanksgiving, I went in for my
last checkup. I was told that if the cancer was not all gone after 8 rounds
of chemo, Then my last option was a stem cell transplant.
Anyway, they did the tests; and I had to come back Monday for the results.
I went in Monday, and I was told that all the cancer was gone.

So the first thing I did was get up to Sarvey and take the big girl out for
a walk. It was misty and cold. I went to her flight and jessed her up, and
we went out front to the top of the hill.

I hadn't said a word to Freedom, but somehow she knew. She looked at me and
wrapped both her wings around me to where I could feel them pressing in on
my back (I was engulfed in eagle wings), and she touched my nose with her
beak and stared into my eyes, and we just stood there like that for I don't
know how long. That was a magic moment. We have been soul mates ever since
she came in. This is a very special bird.

On a side note: I have had people who were sick come up to us when we are
out, and Freedom has some kind of hold on them. I once had a guy who was
terminal come up to us and I let him hold her. His knees just about buckled
and he swore he could feel her power course through his body. I have so
many stories like that. I never forget the honor I have of being so close
to such a magnificent spirit as Freedom.

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Very old selection of photos:
 Click here

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How to renovate a restaurant:
 Click here

MORTEIN CONTROL BOMBS

Mortein Control Bombs are a complete Do-It-Yourself product to kill
multiple insect infestations such as c*ckroaches, fleas, spiders,
silverfish, carpet beetles, moths and ants in the home.

How to use:
Caution: Flammable, do not use in spaces of volume smaller than 5 cubic
metres.
Use it to treat any area such as kitchens, bedrooms, attics, garages,
caravans, sheds and under house areas.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO READ ALL DIRECTIONS ON THE PACK BEFORE USE.

IF YOU DON'T - Go straight to item 5 below.

1. Open cupboards, drawers etc. Remove or cover fish tanks and remove all
pets and plants. Close outside doors and windows. Cover CDs, DVDs, TV &
computer screens. Shut off all electrical appliances,
including lights and refrigerators. Extinguish pilot lights and naked
flames. Turn off gas to gas water heaters.

2. Shake can well before use. Place can on a sheet of newspaper in the
centre of the room. For effective insect control use one can per average
size room (4x4 metres).

3. Tilt sprayer away from face, and push locking tab down firmly until it
snaps into place. Can will start to spray before it locks down. The entire
contents will now be released.

4. Leave room and close door so the mist is contained within the infested
area. After 2 hours re- enter the room, open all doors and windows and
allow treated area to air for 30 minutes.

5. Renovate your restaurant (cost $200,000)
 Click here

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This is my new neighbour:
 Click here

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she
walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

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Neck exercises - [XXX]:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

LIGHT EXERCISE IS GREAT FOR A STIFF NECK
This really works.
There now, doesn't that feel better...............?

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One of Life's Basic Truisms:
 Click here

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Pipe Accident - Safety:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

See the Toll shed in the background. I wonder if the driver works for Toll.

Karratha Oilfield Marine Base

This happened last Friday afternoon across at Gearhart's.

This 9.5/8" casing had just left Gearhart's yard following
inspection/re-coating for storage by Apache, the truck wasn't travelling
fast by any means but had to stand on his brakes and give way at the
intersection and the pictures tell the rest.

Driver luckily was only bruised and in a bit of shock.

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Might interest some:

Vietnam war era music
 Click here

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A look into the future:
 Click here

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Friendship... You don't have to look like your Friends to be Friends:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

You  don't have to look like your Friends to be Friends

LOVE  CONQUERS ALL !

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting
to improve the world  -
Anne  Frank      

Most  people only see what is, never what can be. ~Albert  Einstein

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[ End friday humour ]

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