Friday humour - January 13, 2012

Quite a bumper crop this week - a big thank you to all the contributors
without whom we would not exist - on with the humour!!!!


Last week, A man took his grand-children to a restaurant.
his six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for
the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for
dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it
wrong? Is
God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that
was a great prayer."

"Really?" his grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A
little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will
remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in
front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass,
you grouchy old bitch! "

The End


 Click here


No ordinary jukebox!!

This one's a keeper
 Click here

As you will see when you click on this site, there is a Jukebox- but it is
no ordinary jukebox.

It will play all of your favorite songs from 1950 through 1982. Each year
has a scroll or drop down box that shows all the great songs for that year.
Most years have over 40 songs.

Once you click on a song it will play and when it finishes it automatically
plays the next song in the list and continues until it has played all the

This is really cool. Have fun with it!!

It has a volume control which you should use in conjunction with your
computers volume control.

One of the best features is that it will play in the background. That means
you can continue with your computer work on a different screen. For those
are not too familiar, just open this Jukebox, start a song list playing
THEN open another window in your Browser and use that window to surf the
net or whatever, while the music plays. I set it up on my desktop as a
favorite so all I have to do is click on it and it opens automatically.

This is the great music from the past. No Gangster Rap or other
unintelligible garbage that has been foisted on the public with an attempt
to pass it off as music. There is also Christmas Music, Movie Themes, Show
Tunes and lots of other categories.

This Jukebox plays any popular song from 1950 through 1982.


Fishing under ice

Crazy Finns are at it again.....In case you're wondering how this "upside
down" idea works, the divers are wearing dry suits (sealed) that are
inflated with buoyant air. They are floating to the surface and are bumping
up against the surface ice sheet layer, then they're just spinning upside
down and putting their feet against the underside of the ice. So the
buoyancy in this scenario becomes "gravity" when they're upside down.
That's why the bubbles seem to go down and the person filming is also
upside down.
It's a really neat idea and wonderfully shot, I'm sure these guys had a
blast. I love the idea of emptying the bucket of air into the wheelbarrow.

They filled the wheel barrow up with air and as you can see towards the
when they empty the air from the barrow, it "floats" (sinks) towards the
bottom of the body of water.
 Click here


From: Biggus
Deep thoughts

    Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
    Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word
itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words -
    "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's
why so is mankind.
    I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some
good ideas.
    It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that
    I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned
him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped
    If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I
guess I'm a coward.
    I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
culture, is the story of Popeye.
    When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if
they ever press charges.
    To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
    What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to
save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
    We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at
them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
    Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
    I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand,
    pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
    I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I
bet you can really see it in those genitals.
    The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.
I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and
drive and drive.
    I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.
The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
    I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or
not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
    Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what
her dinner tasted like.
    I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
    I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're
sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
    The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
    When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
    Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.


From: Burnout

Silkworm Race
Sorry, Couldn't help myself.

Two silk worms had a race .........
It ended in a tie!


From: Diks

Native American Feathers

Ever wonder what the feathers in an Indian's headdress stood for?

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the
significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of s*xual partners," the chief replied. Pointing to a
nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?"
pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big,
small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer," said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast."


From: Diks

This is a political ad that is running in Texas. It is very clever.
Roger Williams, a congressional Republican candidate from Texas
Recorded this Great ad. Democrats don't like it and tried to have it
Removed from the Texas TV station serving that congressional district.
They claim it is Demeaning? Gee, I thought it was a pretty good ad.
 Click here


From: Diks
Sure Makes You Think----LMAO!

I am really concerned about North Korea's appointment of the "dear
leader", Kim Jung Ill's youngest son to be the new leader of North Korea--
a nuclear power!

After all, Kim Jung Un (pronounced Kim's young-un?) had NO military
experience whatsoever before daddy made him a four-star general in the
military. This is a snot-nose twerp who has never accomplished anything in
his life that would even come close to military leadership: he hasn't even
so much as led a cub scout troop, coached a sports team or commanded a
military platoon... ...So, setting that aside, next they make him the
"beloved leader" of the country. Terrific!!!

Oh, cr*p! I'm sorry. I just remembered that we did the same thing here. We
took a community organizer who has never worn a uniform and made him
Commander-in-Chief; a guy who has never led anything more than an ACORN
demonstration and made him the leader of this country. I'm sorry I brought
this up, never mind.


From: Diks
David Feherty Golf Quotes

"Fortunately, he (Rory) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the
strongest muscle in his body."

"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in

"I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the
birth of his next wife."

Tommy Gainey's grip - "They look like two lobsters trying to mate."

"They don't do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding
onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It's like having my
buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and
surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head."

Jim Furyk's swing - "It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."

"He's (Luke Donald) a bloody walking ATM. I slid my AmEx between the cheeks
of his ass and out popped $500."



From: Johnny Green

How to Wrap Gifts Faaaabulously with Style and Class
Leave your taste sensors at the front door with this seppo star.

Love this but it's a bit late for Xmas...
She's such a one, Aunt Chippy, esp. since Uncle Frank kicked the bucket...
get her on fashion.
 Click here


From: Johnny Green
Gift For The Man Who Has Everything 
 Click here


From: Johnny Green
The gravel rash would worry me
You must be kidding!
More light viewing for the hols.
Shades of cycling in Bolivia, Jono?
 Click here
Found a new bike ride for all of us!


From: Johnny Green
Nature up close
Holiday watching.
 Click here


From: Johnny Green
Golf Quips 1
Here is your first list for the new year - if you commit them all to
by the end you'll have over 50, almost one for each shot for the first nine

1 A Bill Clinton - You keep hitting your ball in somebody else's hole.
2 A Bin Laden - When you hit a shot that's driven out of bounds, never to
be found again.
3 A Brazilian - hits the narrow strip down the middle.
4 A Sarah Murdoch Top Model - When you hit a shot thin but it is still
5 A Mike Carlton - Your shot goes way left.


From: Johnny Green
Handy do-it-yourself web site - teaches you everything you need to know
From a thoughtful friend...
Thought this web site should be shared ...
a wonderful way of learning how to do all thoughts tough jobs around the
house .....  happy New Year!
 Click here


From: Johnny Green
Best for the Australian summer!
 Click here
Anyone know where to buy one???


From: Johnny Green
Difficult question
 Click here


From: Kaos_reflex
Waltzing Matilda, a different version
How nice to hear a voice with a unique style and so easy to listen to.
Click on the link below.
 Click here


From: The Great Gussius
CPR - Staying Alive
 Click here


From: Tommo963

It was the first day of school.
As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from
one of the classrooms.
He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others,
who seemed to be making the most noise.
He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there
until he was excused.
Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the
class for half an hour about the importance of good behaviour.
"Now," he said," are there any questions?"
One girl stood up timidly. " Please sir," she asked,"
May we have our teacher back?"


From: Tommo963

Benjamin was on a safari deep in the Amazon jungle when he found himself
surrounded by fierce-looking natives.

As they moved closer, Benjamin suddenly remembered an old trick he saw in a
movie. Quickly, he pulled out his Bic lighter and flicked the flame towards
the leader of the natives.

Astonished, the leader jumped back several feet and gasped,

"Wow! That's incredible!"

"You'd better believe it's incredible," says Benjamin, all the while
continuing to wave the fire at him.

"It certainly is," says the leader. . .

"Why, I can't remember the last time I saw a lighter that worked the first
time you flicked it!"


Stop Redundancy

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of
Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and
thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their
first meeting, so that it would not be confusing.
So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will
not have a meeting before the first meeting.
This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it
is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is
what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the


From: Tommo963


I get irritated when people come down on our law enforcement officers,
saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well,
here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves Troopers of the Oregon State Police who reported
finding a man's body yesterday in the early evening,
in the Rouge River near Gold Beach. The dead man's name would not be
released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while
visiting "someone" in a local bar . He was wearing black fishnet stockings,
4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, 
dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an OBAMA T-shirt.

The Troopers removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary

See there, Oregon State Troopers really do care !!


From: Whizzbang

Quote of the Day:
When we talk to God, it's prayer.
When He talks to us, it's schizophrenia.


From: Whizzbang

WILD NIGHT: Electrical storms produced a stunning lightning display over
Perth early today.
 Click here


From: Whizzbang

This is interesting, even if it is relatively old news.
The links seem to back the story up all right.
 Click here

Cruz Construction started a division in North Dakota just 6 months ago.
They sent every Kenworth (9 trucks) they had in Alaska to North Dakota and
several drivers. They just bought two new Kenworth's to add to that fleet;
one being a Tri  Drive tractor and a  new 65 ton lowboy to go with it. They
also bought two new cranes (one crawler & one rubber tired) for that

Dave Cruz said they have moved more rigs in the last 6 months in N.D. than
Cruz Construction moved in Alaska in the last 6 years. Williston is like a
gold rush town; they moved one of our 40 man camps down there since there
are no rooms available. Unemployment in N.D. is the lowest in the nation at
3.4 percent last I checked.

See anything in the national news about how the oil industry is fueling
North Dakota's economy?
Here's an astonishing read. Important and verifiable information:

About 6 months ago, the writer was watching a news program on oil and one
The Forbes Bros. was the guest.
The host said to Forbes, "I am going to ask you a direct question and I
would like a direct answer; how much oil does the U.S. have in the ground?"
Forbes did not miss a beat, he said, "More than all the Middle East
countries put together."

The U.S. Geological Service issued a report in April 2008 that only
scientists and oil men knew was coming, but man, was it big. It was a
revised report (hadn't been updated since 1995) on how much oil was In this
area of the western 2/3 of North Dakota, western South Dakota, and extreme
eastern Montana

The Bakken is the largest domestic oil discovery since Alaska's Prudhoe
and has the potential to eliminate all American dependence on foreign oil.
The Energy Information Administration (EIA) estimates it at 503 billion
barrels. Even if just 10% of the oil is recoverable (5 billion barrels), at
$107 a barrel, we're looking at a resource base worth more than $5.3

"When I first briefed legislators on this, you could practically see their
Jaws hit the floor. They had no idea." says Terry Johnson, the Montana
Legislature's financial analyzer. "This sizable find is now the
highest-producing onshore oil field found in the past 56 years." reports
Pittsburgh Post Gazette. It's a formation known as the Williston Basin, but
is more commonly referred to as the 'Bakken.' It stretches from Northern
Montana, through North Dakota and into Canada . For years, U.S. Oil
exploration has been considered a dead end. Even the 'Big Oil' companies
gave up searching for major oil wells decades ago.
However, a recent technological breakthrough has opened up the Bakken's
Massive reserves, and we now have access of up to 500 billion barrels. And
because this is Light, sweet oil, those billions of barrels will cost
Americans just $16 PER BARREL!!!!!! That's enough crude to fully fuel the
American economy for 2041 years straight.

And if THAT didn't throw you on the floor, then this next one should -
because it's from 2006 !!!!!!

U.S. Oil Discovery - Largest Reserve in the World Stansberry Report Online

Hidden 1,000 feet beneath the surface of the Rocky Mountains lies the
largest untapped oil reserve in the world. It is more than 2 TRILLION

On August 8, 2005 President Bush Mandated its extraction. In three and a
half years of high oil prices none has been extracted. With this mother
lode of oil why are we still fighting over off-shore drilling?

They reported this stunning news:

We have more oil inside our borders, than all the other proven reserves on
Here are the official estimates:

8 times as much oil as Saudi Arabia

18 times as much oil as Iraq

21 times as much oil as Kuwait

22 times as much oil as Iran

500 times as much oil as Yemen

and it's all right here in the Western United States.

HOW can this BE?

HOW can we NOT BE extracting this?

Because the Environmentalists and others have blocked all efforts to help
America become Independent of foreign oil.

Again, we are letting a small group of people dictate our lives and our

James Bartis, lead researcher with the study says we've got more oil in
this very compact area than the entire Middle East, more than 2 TRILLION
barrels untapped. That's more than all the proven oil reserves of crude oil
in the
World today, reports "The Denver Post".

Don't think 'OPEC' will drop its price even with this find?

Think again! It's all about the competitive marketplace, it has to.

Think OPEC just might be funding the environmentalists?
Got your attention yet?


From: Anonymous
What We All Have in Common
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From: Anonymous3
 Click here
Spectacular fireworks!


From: Anonymous3
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From: Anonymous3
Meanwhile, in London ...
 Click here


From: Anonymous3
Snow plow
 Click here

As we senior's age our budgets get tight, so I have created a new snow plow
to help us through this cold and snowy winter.
No welding required either!!
Live life to the fullest!!!


From: Anonymous3
Best ever auto-corrects
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From: Anonymous3
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Note: Polaris Base and Scamp Base are groups within the US Submarine
Veterans organization.

This came from Polaris Base in SoDak.

Those poor sailors never knew what hit them. I wonder how many other
submarines are on the ocean floor looking like this. Interesting that a
Dutch company salvaged the boat;.


The bow was sawed off with a diamond rope while she sat on the bottom of
Arctic Sea ..
You can see the anti-ship missiles still in their launchers...all foamed

and...there's a nuclear power plant in that mess somewhere.

K-141 Kursk was a Russian nuclear cruise missile submarine which was lost
with all hands when it sank in the Barents Sea on August 12, 2000. It was
named after the Russian city Kursk , around which the largest tank battle
in military history, the Battle of Kursk , took place in 1943.

The Kursk sailed out to sea to perform an exercise of firing dummy
torpedoes at Pyotr Velikiy, a Kirov class battlecruiser. On August 12, 2000
at 11:28 local time , the torpedoes were fired, but an explosion occurred
soon after in the submarine.

The only credible report to-date is that this was due to the failure and
explosion of one of Kursk ¬Ęs new developmental torpedoes. The chemical
explosion blasted with the force of 100-250 kg of TNT and registered 2.2 on
the Richter scale. The submarine sank to a depth of 108 metres,
approximately 135km (85 miles) off Severomorsk. A second explosion, 135
seconds after the initial event, measured between 3.5 and 4.4 on the
Richter scale, equivalent to 3-7 tons of TNT. Either this explosion or the
earlier one propelled large pieces of debris far back through the

Kurskwas eventually raised from her grave by a Dutch team using the barge
Giant 4, and 115 of the 118 dead were recovered and laid to rest in Russia
Russian officials have strenuously denied claims that the sub was carrying
nuclear warheads. When the boat was raised by a salvage operation in 2001,
there were considerable fears that moving the wreck could trigger


From: Anonymous3
1954 Olds F-88

This is the car that in 1954 could have 'killed' the Corvette.
So, Chevrolet, being GM's big sales and profit division,campaigned to GM to
'kill' this car.
When Chevy was coming out with its 6-cylinder sports car with its 2-speed
'powerglide' transmission and side curtains, there was a sports car from
Olds with a big old V-8 engine with power windows.
So, GM said, 'no' to Oldsmobile on building this car.

The world's rarest automobile: a 1954 Concept Old's Rocket F88 - the only
one in existence.

John S. Hendricks (Discovery Communications founder), paid in excess of $3
million to acquire this 1954 Oldsmobile F-88 Convertible Concept Car.

After spending decades as a collection of parts stuffed into wooden crates,
the F-88 was reassembled.

In 1954, the F-88 was a Motorama Dream Car, and was one of only two (or an
unconfirmed possible three), ever created.

The F-88 seen here is literally the only car left of its kind and was sold
to John and Maureen Hendricks at the prestigious Barrett-Jackson Auto
Auction in Scottsdale, Arizona, for an unbelievable $3,240,000.

This acquisition made automotive history and is in the cornerstone of the
Gateway Colorado Automobile Museum, in its own special room in a rotating
display, worthy of the F-88!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Anonymous3
 Click here


From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Watermelon festival in Italy
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From: Johnny Green
What can you see? Some guy holding his hands out?
 Click here
Yeah - looks vaguely familiar.


From: Johnny Green
Spitfire Beer
 Click here
"Yes you did - you invaded Poland". (B. Fawlty 1975)


From: Johnny Green
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From: Sack
I'm not old
 Click here

I woke up,
I lifted my arms,
I moved my knees,
I turned my neck....
Everything made the same noise:
....I came to the conclusion:
I am not old,
I am crispy!!!


From: Sack
Belligerent Sheep?
 Click here


From: Sack
Tower Bridge, London

This is one of the London's most beloved landmarks as you've never seen her
Stripped down to her underwear, the never before seen pictures of Tower
Bridge - one of the world's most recognisable structures - have been
unveiled after the stash of hundred-year-old prints were found in a skip.

Coinciding with the 125th anniversary of the bridge's foundation, the 50
sepia photos reveal in incredible detail the ingenuity behind one of the
capital's most popular tourist destinations, which was the first bridge of
its kind in the world.
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From: Sack
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From: Sir Edward
Lunch Menu Tip of the day!

Here is my dodgey travel tip of the day!
Are you sick of having your Lunch stolen from your hostel by hungry
backpackers who are too tight ar*e to buy their own food (a.k.a 10
Commandments of Tight Ar*e Travel).
Well there is something new on your Lunch Menu - the Anti Theft Lunch Pack
which will solve all your problems!
This will deter any starving backpacker from potentially stealing your
pre-prepared meal by making them think the bonus penicillin is not worth
the risk!
This is how it works: Make your sandwich for the following day, and place
in a pre-purchased a plastic bag that looks like it's come straight from a
virus testing laboratory.
And this is what it looks like after! When you superimpose your sandwich
with the Anti Theft Lunch Pack, it looks like you could have a year's
supply of penicillin, and your Lunch is definitely off any thieving
backpacker's Lunch Menu.
 Click here Click here


From: Sir Edward
 Click here

South America, and Peru are all big on fresh fruit juices. There's nothing
like going down to the local square to smash down a glass of fresh juice in
the morning, right?

Well, now you can have Frog Juice instead of orange!

The frogs, which supposedly come from nearby Lake Titicaca, are removed
from the above aquarium, euthanised, skinned and dropped into a blender in
a bizarre concoction that makes Balut look palatable.

Often called "Peruvian Viagra" (as opposed to 'Natural Viagra'), anecdotal
evidence suggests this tonic creates a new lease of life on the human body.

I'm pretty sure it would - on the way out at both ends!


From: Sir Edward
 Click here


From: The Great Gussius
Australian bush poetry
 Click here

A great example of Australian bush poetry.


From: Whizzbang
Coin Trick - Doing this could cost a lot more than just one penny!
 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Hunter becomes the hunted
 Click here


From: Whizzbang
The Secret Black Surgeon - Hamilton Naki
 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Vehicle theft made easy
 Click here


Then and Now
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 Click here


[ End friday humour ]

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