Friday humour - January 06, 2012


From Burnout @ Bluehaze.

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: Amazing bird
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Scanning

Frightening! It works exactly like it says, and is one major reason people
in cars can "look right at you" (when you're on a motorcycle or bicycle) 
--- AND NOT SEE YOU.

From a former Naval Aviator. This is a great illustration of what we were
taught about scanning outside the c*ckpit when I went through training back
in the '50s. We were told to scan the horizon for a short distance, stop
momentarily, and repeat the process. I can remember being told why this was
the most effective technique to locate other aircraft. It was emphasized
repeatedly to not fix your gaze for more than a couple of seconds on any
single object. The instructors, some of whom were WWII veterans with years
of experience, instruct edus to continually "keep our eyes moving and our
head on a swivel" because this was the best way to survive, not only in
combat, but from peacetime hazards (like a midair collision) as well. We
basically had to take the advice on faith (until we could experience for
ourselves) because the technology to demonstrate it didn't exist at that
time. Click on the link below for a demonstration ...
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: They ask WHY I like retirement!!!

They Ask Why
l Like Retirement !!!

Question:  How many days in a week?
Answer:  6 Sat*rdays, 1 Sunday.

Question:  When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:  Only one, but it might take all day.

Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:  The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question:  Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:  Tied shoes.

Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question:  What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses
to retire?
Answer:  NUTS!

Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.

Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:   Normal ..

Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer:  The never ending Coffee Break.

Question:  What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question:  Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses
the people he used to work with?
Answer:  He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....

QUESTION:  What do you do all week?
Answer:  Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Sat*rday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter
asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh
heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

GO GREEN.....RECYCLE CONGRESS!!

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Eddie Rickenbacker

It happened every Friday evening, almost without fail, when the sun
resembled a giant orange and was starting to dip into the blue ocean.

Old Ed came strolling along the beach to his favorite pier.. Clutched in
his bony hand was a bucket of shrimp. Ed walks out to the end of the pier,
where it seems he almost has the world to himself. The glow of the sun is a
golden bronze now.

Everybody's gone, except for a few joggers on the beach. Standing out on
the end of the pier, Ed is alone with his thoughts...and his bucket of
shrimp.

Before long, however, he is no longer alone. Up in the sky a thousand white
dots come screeching and squawking, winging their way toward that lanky
frame standing there on the end of the pier.

Before long, dozens of seagulls have enveloped him, their wings fluttering
and flapping wildly. Ed stands there tossing shrimp to the hungry birds. As
he does, if you listen closely, you can hear him say with a smile, 'Thank
you. Thank you.'

In a few short minutes the bucket is empty. But Ed doesn't leave.

He stands there lost in thought, as though transported to another time and
place.

When he finally turns around and begins to walk back toward the beach, a
few of the birds hop along the pier with him until he gets to the stairs,
and then they, too, fly away. And old Ed quietly makes his way down to the
end of the beach and on home.

If you were sitting there on the pier with your fishing line in the water,
Ed might seem like 'a funny old duck,' as my dad used to say. Or, 'a guy
who's a sandwich shy of a picnic,' as my kids might say. To onlookers, he's
just another old codger, lost in his own weird world, feeding the seagulls
with a bucket full of shrimp.

To the onlooker, rituals can look either very strange or very empty. They
can seem altogether unimportant .... maybe even a lot of nonsense.

Old folks often do strange things,
at least in the eyes of Boomers and Busters.

Most of them would probably write Old Ed off, down there in Florida .
That's too bad. They'd do well to know him better.

His full name: Eddie Rickenbacker. He was a famous hero back in World War
II. On one of his flying missions across the Pacific, he and his
seven-member crew went down. Miraculously, all of the men survived, crawled
out of their plane, and climbed into a life raft.

Captain Rickenbacker and his crew floated for days on the rough waters of
the Pacific. They fought the sun. They fought sharks. Most of all, they
fought hunger. By the eighth day their rations ran out. No food. No water.
They were hundreds of miles from land and no one knew where they were.

They needed a miracle. That afternoon they had a simple devotional service
and prayed for a miracle. They tried to nap. Eddie leaned back and pulled
his military cap over his nose. Time dragged. All he could hear was the
slap of the waves against the raft..

Suddenly, Eddie felt something land on the top of his cap.
It was a seagull!

Old Ed would later describe how he sat perfectly still, planning his next
move. With a flash of his hand and a squawk from the gull, he managed to
grab it and wring its neck.. He tore the feathers off, and he and his
starving crew made a meal - a very slight meal for eight men - of it. Then
they used the intestines for bait.. With it, they caught fish, which gave
them food and more bait......and the cycle continued. With that simple
survival technique, they were able to endure the rigors of the sea until
they were found and rescued (after 24 days at sea...).

Eddie Rickenbacker lived many years beyond that ordeal, but he never forgot
the sacrifice of that first life-saving seagull.. And he never stopped
saying, 'Thank you.' That's why almost every Friday night he would walk to
the end of the pier with a bucket full of shrimp and a heart full of
gratitude.

PS: Eddie started Eastern Airlines.

Actually, he was a veteran and hero of WWI. During WWII, he was flying
missions for The Secretary of War, Henry Stimson. After WWII, the War
Department's name was changed to the Department of Defense, and the Army
Air Corps became the United States Air Force.

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From: Burnout
Subject: Quote of the year

"and then God created the orgasm, so that women can moan even when they are
happy."

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From: Davo
Subject: Why Ethel changed motels

 Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a
bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she
could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the
heck, nobody will ever know.

I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo s*xy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she
hesitated, she rushed right in,

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is s*x. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in
your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me
in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!!
Now how does that sound?"

 He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an
outside line."

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From: Diks
Subject: Current Economy Explained.
Why the U.S. credit rating was downgraded:

* U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
* Fed budget: $3,820,000,000,000
* New debt: $ 1,650,000,000,000
* National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000

Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:

* Annual family income: $21,700
* Money the family spent: $38,200
* New debt on the credit card THIS YEAR: $16,500
* Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
* Total budget cuts: $385

OK now Lesson # 2: Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:

You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your
neighborhood....and your home has sewage up to your ceiling.

What do you think you should do ......

Raise the ceiling, or pump out the cr*p?

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From: Diks
Subject: NEW Ohio law...(Assume the Browns aren’t doing to well - ED)

The Ohio Highway Patrol are cracking down on speeders heading towards and
into the city of Cleveland .
For the first offense, they give you two Cleveland Browns tickets.  If you
get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super
Bowl?
A. The Cleveland Browns .
Q. What do the Cleveland Browns and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ . '

Q. How do you keep a Cleveland Brown out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Cleveland Browns and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Cleveland Browns does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do the Browns and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: ENGLISH HOSPITALITY

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally
stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture,
chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big,
stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of
all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby,
who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate,
which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and
huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really
decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

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From: Tommo963
Subject: Jokes

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his
van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along,

he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock
in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this
time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

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To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

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From: Tommo963
Subject: FAMOUS LAST WORDS

Quick, they'll never find us if we hide here.

Don't worry, it's not used any more.

Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.

So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?

Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.

Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.

It's ok so long as you stay down wind.

I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.

Hey, don't worry, it isn't loaded.

I thought it tasted rather strange.

Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?

Gee, what a cute little Pit Bull.

And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?

I've never had one of these fail to open before.

Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?

It's ok, I saw them do it on TV.

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From: Tommo963
Subject: Jokes

This bloke had been chatting with a beautiful girl on the internet called
Nadia, and last week she told me to come and meet her in a secluded park in
Parramatta, for filthy, no-strings s*x.

When he got there he was jumped by Eastern European men who beat him with a
baseball bat and stole his car and his wallet.

Ever since he got out of hospital he had been trying to get hold of Nadia
but she hadn't answered any of his emails or instant messages.

He has started to worry that the same gang must have beaten her up too.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

"The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles
Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you
first meet him." --Richard Jeni

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Taking the bull by the horns is often a sound course of action..
as long as you and the bull agree on when to let go.

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From: Tommo963
Subject: NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN...

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman.
With super-human strength, born of fury, cutting of firewood, lifting sacks
of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back
door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Then she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged-up-cheater was terrified and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not
gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's
hand and said ...

"Nope....you are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"

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From: Tommo963
Subject: Classroom Smarts

Kids are smarter than they used to be. And they do say some funny things:

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?

STUDENT: Seven.

TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

STUDENT: Nine.

TEACHER: That's impossible.

STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have
ten years ago.

WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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From: Tommo963
Subject: Joke - Easier Said Than Done

My New Year's resolution is to lose just enough weight so that my gut
doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth.

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From: Tommo963
Subject: TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my
e-mail.

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone
number.

I will balance my check book. (on my nose).

I will think of a password for my computer other than "password."

I will try to figure out why I "really" need 11 e-mail addresses.

I will go into McDonald''s and order a McSlurry

I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I
purchased never showed up.

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From: Tommo963
Subject: Jokes

I just watched a dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to
myself,
"Wow; dogs are easily entertained."
Then I realised, I just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes.

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The importance of correct punctuation. Witness:
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and
inferior.
You have ruined me for other men.

I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be
forever happy--will you let me be yours? Gloria.

As compared to:

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me.

For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're
apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,  Gloria.

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You Just Might Be A Redneck

If you think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.

If you believe you've got a set of matched luggage when you have two
shopping bags from the same store.

If you think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

If you lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's
wheels.

If you and your dog use the same tree.

If you believe dual air bags refers to your wife and mother-in-law.

If you've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that
begins, "For a good time call...."

If you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

If you can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

If the third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius
because he's got thirteen fingers.

If you just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

If you ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

If your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in
Theatre.

If the FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year.

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After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following:
"Mrs. Jones,
overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old.

There is however, only one problem. You are 20 kilos overweight and
bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any
complications in later years."

She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".
"OK" he says, "you're damn ugly as well!"

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From: Tommo963
Subject: HERE ARE A FEW WAYS TO TELL A BLOKE THAT HIS FLY IS OPEN. . . . .

Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

You've got Windows on your laptop.

Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

Your dork is ajar.

Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

I can see your Gap dancers.

Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

Elvis Junior has left the building!

Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!

Lil' Shaq's at the free show line.

You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

I see you have an opening in senior management.

Men are From Mars, women can see your penis.

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From: Tommo963
Subject: Humour for the New Year

A New Year's Wish

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was
time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to
be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was
almost crushed to death.

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New Year's Day Prayer for One and All

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy,
grumpy,
nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.

I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get
out of bed, and from then on I'm probably

going to need a lot more help.

Amen

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How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a
cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I
am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Ken.

'Yeah,' replied Peter, 'I've quit buying.'

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Politician in Action

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter
chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to
comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position,
and I will not compromise.'

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From: Tommo963
Subject: Jokes

A bloke walks into a Pub and looks depressed. The bartender comes over and,
with a great show of compassion, gives him a beer on the house.

"Something bothering you, mate?" the bartender asks.

"The wife and I had a fight," the man said. "She doesn't like it when I say
the word, 'bitch.'"

"Why is that?"

"She thinks I need to learn her mother's real name."

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Primary school

The administration of this Primary school decided to start a more inclusive
policy on which words were "bad" words. Among those initiated to the
category was "suck" (when not referring to the principle of suction).

One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other
students had said a bad word.

"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.

"I can't say it."

"It's okay to tell me; you won't get in trouble for it."

"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it."

"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me
what it is without saying it?"

"Well... it rhymes with 'f*ck'."

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A WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking. This Doesn't rhyme and
I don't give a sh*t.

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From: Tommo963
Subject: Joke

It was the first night for a newly wed couple. The bride was still a virgin
because she is afraid of d*cks, especially large ones and she's heard all
about black men and how well hung they are. To make his white bride feel at
ease, the groom said to the her,

"OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my d*ck through the door.
Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid." So he walked out,
leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his d*ck
through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?"

She chuckled a little and said, "Nope!"

He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked,
"Does that scare you?"

"Nope," she replied.

He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?"

"Nope," she said laughing.

He then said, "Alright, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the
stairs now!"

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From: Tommo963
Subject: Jokes

The Hebrew teacher says to her class, "We have recently been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in
Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

"Aces," says Sarah.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

You ever go up to a nun and slap her right upside the head and then say
"Come on, give me that other cheek Sista."

Think about it!

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From: Tommo963
Subject: Joke

O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold he sees
one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in is stare and
demands three wishes for the little man.
"Granted" says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reily will
get twofold!"
Now O'Reily is no friend of O'Neil, in fact they hate each other, but
O'Neil agrees.
"For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and
beautiful women."
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!"
"For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, s*xy, redheaded nymphomaniac."
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women."
Now by this stage O'Neil is p*ssed off, the hated O'Reily getting two
mansions and two nymphomaniacs. Suddenly inspiration hits him. "For my
third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!"

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From: Tommo963
Subject: Humour

A wife says to her husband that "You're always pushing me around and
talking behind my back."

And he says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

A blokes wife had been missing a week. The police said to prepare for the
worst. So, he had to go down to Vinnies to get all of her clothes back.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well... she's not
exactly my girlfriend yet.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Stanley

Julia Gillard goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little
PR.  After her talk she offers question time.  One little boy puts up his
hand and she asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?
Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?
Third, weren't you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you said you're a
lesbian

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they
will continue after recess.

When they resume Julia says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right:
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his
name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?
Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?
Third, weren't you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a
lesbian?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley?"

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Australia ?
A message from one of our top Barristers

MAKE SURE THAT YOU READ ALL THE WAY TO THE END

The information below should be read by everyone, whether you agree to its
contents, or not !!

*** NOW, LET ME SEE IF I'VE GOT THIS RIGHT....

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD
LABOUR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM
AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY
ANDYOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO A
POLITICALPRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE AUSTRALIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET:
* A JOB,
* AN INTERPRETER,
* FREE LEGAL AID,
* A DRIVERS LICENCE,
* A SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER,
* WELFARE,
* CREDIT CARDS,
* FREE EDUCATION,
* FREE HEALTH CARE,
* DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOC*MENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
* THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DO NOT
GET ENOUGH RESPECT.

Sensationalism? Then think about just this one [not so] small aspect...
The Australian Federal Government provides the following financial
assistance:-

BENEFIT

AUSTRALIAN AGED PENSIONER

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN AUSTRALIA

Weekly allowance

$253.00

$472.50

Weekly Spouse allowance

$56.00

$472.50

Additional weekly hardship allowance

$0.00

$145.00

TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT

$16,068.00

$56,680.00

If I were a refugee, why would I look for work? And the current Government
is saying that 'elderly Australia' is going to put the country $100 Bn into
debt in the next few years?!
Please forward to all your contacts so that we can lobby not just for an
increase in the aged pension and to put the welfare of Australian
pensioners first, but the welfare of refugees further down the list - well
after our
Defence men and women, our farmers and the average Aussie battler. After
all, the average pensioner alone has paid taxes and contributed to the
growth of this country for the last 40 to 60 years; a Defence member
voluntarily endures hardship, prepared to give up their life to preserve
the way of yours; and the farmer/battler who are the backbones of this
Country and Culture - never reaches for a handout but always willing to
lend a hand...
When these people rarely, if ever, speak out they are shunned, ridiculed
and dismissed by the Government and barely makes a headline in the news.
When refugees/immigrants speak out about repression and insensitivity to
their culture in Australia, it gets widespread media coverage and quick
resolution by Government bodies.

*** I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION -

Maurice G Kriss

Barrister at Law
0408 298 523
PO. Box 50 Parramatta NSW 2124
Suit 611/22 Charles Street Parramatta NSW 2150
DX 8295 Parramatta
Phone: 02-9635 8603 Fax: 02-9687 9185

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: The Night Befo Crizmus

Night Befo Crizmus

Wuz da night afo Crizmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin and be sleepin real good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.

All of da family, was lyin on the flo,
my sister wif her gurlfrien, and my brotha wif some ho.
Ashtrays was all full, empty beer cans and all,
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh*t, it must be da law".
I pulled da sheet off da winda, and what I could see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo me.

But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat".
dere was a huge watamelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.
Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brothas, got a black un tonight.

Faster than a po-lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.
On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who
On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.

Obama landed dat melon, right dere in a bit,
I knowed it fo sho, - can you believe that sh*t?

Dat Santy didn't need no chimley, he picked da lock on my do,
an I sez to myself, "Son o' bitch...he dun did dis befo!"

He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck,
Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he lef me no presents, just started stealin my sh*t.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.

Den, wif my cr*p in his bag, out da winda he flew,
I sho woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, "Democrat son of a bitch".

So nex year I be hopi, a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't wurf a sh*t!!!!

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  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Daredevil Gymnastics
 Click here

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  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous
Subject: The meaning of life in 13 words
 Click here

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  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Subject: A New Low-fare Airlines from Mexico..
Currently SAN TACO AIRLINES is only flying in Mexico, but hopes to
introduce services to San Diego and Los Angeles later this year.

The FAA is trying to stop SAN TACO'S entry into the US, because the FAA is
unsure about the airworthiness of SAN TACO'S aircraft.

Southwest Airlines indicated that they will not be beaten on price.

Notice the spacious Business Class on the upper deck
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Incognito glasses
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Stephen Hawking before disease
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Perfection
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Injustice.....
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: For all you Chihuahua lovers
 Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: BOWLING ALLEY in CLEARWATER , FL IS DOING A RECORD BUSINESS ...

Wanna knock his teeth out?

A bowling alley in Clearwater , Florida , Bowl-O-Bama, is doing record
business despite a bad economy. The alley also reports a record number of
300 games. Since opening in November 2010, 963 patrons have bowled a
perfect game, including strikes in the warm-up frames. This alley also has
the highest bowling league average in the country, with a 237. And
that’s the senior league.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Diks
Subject: GETTING OLD IS NOT FOR SISSIES!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Diks
Subject: Funnies
 Click here

Sad but true...............notice in the new clips of "occupy" how many
were using their cell phones & I pads.............?????

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Diks
Subject: Golf Partners
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Diks
Subject: When the wife yells about the toilet seat

Yes, I'd do it....................
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Diks
Subject: oh sssss--t
LMAO.........don't you just love it when automation goes
bad................
 Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: Why some Women Hate Football
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: New Call Centre Options

New Telephone Greeting:
Wouldn't it be amazing, if this were to be introduced …!

'GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO "CENTRELINK" THE AUSTRALIAN SOCIAL SERVICES AND
BENEFITS OFFICE'

"Press '1' if you speak English." ''Press ''2'' to disconnect until you
can."
Have a nice day.

If you agree......keep it going

If not press 2.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: FW: Lifestyle Reminder

A LIFESTYLE REMINDER

This is Gillian McKeith
 Click here

She is 51 years old.
She is a TV health guru advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and ill
health, promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet, high in organic fruits and
vegetables.

She recommends detox diets and colonic irrigation.

This is Nigella Lawson
 Click here

She is also 51 years old.
She is a TV chef and eats nothing but meat and desserts.

I rest my case!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: This video should win an ad Oscar
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: The Great Gussius
Subject: stress reliever poster
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: How to make your mother in law happy
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: ITALIAN VIRGINITY TEST:

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if
his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for
what we call a Do-It-Yourself
Virginity Test Kit - A small can of red paint, a small can** **of blue
paint and a shovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you
paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!',

.......... you hit her with the shovel

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject:  New Handgun

I guess I'm not the only one who thought they were useless.

Pistol
 Click here

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of members of the United
States Senate and the House of Representatives.

               It will be named the "Congressman".

              It doesn't work and you can't fire it.

To save the economy, on December 30, 2011, Congress will announce a new
bill ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people
(instead of illegal aliens) in order to lower the cost of Social Security
and Medicare.

They noted that old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how
to get back home!...  See you on the bus.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Husband Day Care

Australia at its best !
G'DAY  - This is a Townsville Pub
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: YOU'VE BEEN IDENTIFIED AS THE BLOKE IN LANE 2
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Fishing (XXX - ED)
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting
to improve the world.

- Anne Frank

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[ End friday humour ]

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