Friday humour - December 30, 2011

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Hope you had a great Xmas. Here comes 2012 ....

This week's collection arrives courtesy of Santa's little contributors :-
Biggus, Diks, Johnny Green, Nottingham Smithie, Sack,
Tommo963, Valerie, Whizzbang, and always the red-nosed anonymi.

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This video is fresh (for the public). It was made just six weeks ago in the
Atlantic, just off Newport News (Hampton Roads),
Virginia.

These are the latest sea trials of the F-35B on the USS Wasp. They were
very successful, with 74 VL's and STO's in a three week period. The media
and the program critics had predicted that we would burn holes in the deck
and wash sailors overboard. Neither of which happened. You will notice a
sailor standing on the bow of the ship as the jet rotates. That was an
intentional part of the sea trials.

No catapult ... No hook ... It’s a new world out there. It really is. The
shape and scope of warfare – worldwide – just changed.
 Click here

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Phoned my work this morning and said "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I
have a wee cough."
Boss says "You have a wee cough?"
I said "Really, Cheers boss, see you next week."

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THE TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancé©, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favourite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole bus load of us down to
re-elect OBAMA!

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Merry Christmas to you all. Hope you enjoy this Gen Y version of Christmas
 Click here

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This is one of those silly ones that will just make you smile...
For the kids & the "kid" in all of us.
 Click here

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For those of you who don't have today's Herald:
 Click here

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An experience of a German Tourist on his first visit to America

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida,
finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.
The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain
him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits
on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing
this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the
gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits
on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams,
"No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for
something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with
him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola
has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the
madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a
bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she
screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all
her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself
for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could
possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has
made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a
lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is
available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic,
giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

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A dog's life ain't so fair
 Click here

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Belated Chrissy jokes

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A bloke commented to his mate that his girlfriend calls him Santa Claus
because he only comes once a year and when he does he fills her stockings.

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Even though gold, frankincense and myrrh are all pretty nice gifts, Jesus
couldn't have been too happy when the wise men told him they were for both
his birthday *and* Christmas.

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My daddy was so cheap that, one Christmas eve, he went out into the
backyard, fired his gun into the air, and came back and told us kids that
Santa Claus had committed suicide.

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In the good olden days, things were not so good. We had to walk to school
barefoot, ten miles each way, all up hill, in snow up to our armpits. We
had to get up before we went to bed, go to the barn and milk three hundred
head by hand before breakfast, which was a hand full of beans. We were so
poor, we had dry beans for breakfast, a glass of water for lunch, and then
wait for it to swell up for supper. We were so poor that our Christmas
present was a new pair of overalls with the pockets cut out so we would
have something to play with.

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Signs Santa is Sick of Christmas

Now relies on a quick Google image search to see if you've been naughty.

Good, bad or on the fence - everyone gets an AOL CD in their stocking this
year.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Yadda, yadda,
yadda...."

Sticker on sleigh: "How's my flying? Call 1-800-eat-sugarplums"

Former "Naughty/Nice" databases merged into a single "Whatever" database.

Turns Ms. Claus out to work the corner next to the Salvation Army bell
ringers.

At midnight on Christmas Eve, gift certificates to Amazon.com magically
appear in the email in boxes of good girls and boys.

New policy this year: Only strippers allowed on his lap.

Hey, kid - them brown lumps in your stocking ain't coal!

On his personal Christmas list: A George Foreman Grill and "The Ultimate
Reindeer Cookbook."

He's assigned numbers to all the countries on Earth and is doing the odd
ones this year and the even ones next year.

This year's #1 stocking stuffers: Elf heads and Rudolph jerky.

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A young lad was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about
to breastfeed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very large
breast and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth. "Dad! What's that
woman doing to that baby?" the lad asked.

"Relax, lad. She's just feeding him," the father replied.

"Get the hell out of here!" the boy, exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat
all of that!"

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Jack left for a two day business trip to Brisbane. He was only a few blocks
away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of
his dresser.

He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door,
walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes,
wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he quietly tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and
squeezed her left tit.

"Just leave one litre of milk," she said. "Jack won't be here for breakfast
tomorrow."

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Air Traffic Control...Southern Style

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 You are cleared to land eastbound on
runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R - Allah be Praised "

Atlanta ATC "Tower to Iran Air 515 -- You are cleared to land westbound on
runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R. Allah is Great "

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN
OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.
INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.

Atlanta ATC: Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now
and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?

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Brad walked up to a hot babe in the bar and asked, "What's got a 100 teeth
and can hold back a huge monster?"

"What?" asked the curious vixen.

"The zipper on my jeans!" answered Brad.

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A young boy knows about s*x and where babies come from because his mother
told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she gets
pregnant." A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy
asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child,
"Does the man ever get his penis back?"

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Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

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Things Not To Say When Hanging The Christmas Lights

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three
most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?
(Page Six's Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching
your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things.)
We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When
Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

"You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed
to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red,
green, blue..."

"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

"What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year?
Tie them in knots?"

"Come away from that aluminium ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."

"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw
them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

"Give me that."

"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee
thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done, dammit."

"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't
look like a spiral this year?"

"Have you been drinking?"

"Where's the cat?"

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Lost and Found

As her bus pulled away, a woman realised she had left my purse under the
seat. Later she called the depot and was relieved that the driver had found
her bag.

When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded her.
One man handed her pocketbook to her, two typewritten pages and a box
containing the contents of her purse.

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I
think you'll find everything there."

As she started to put her belongings back into the pocketbook, the man
continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch.

Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse.
And we'd like to see just how you do it."

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Hotel Security

A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention.
Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about
security.

The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage
on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top.

If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him.

Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" my friend asked nervously.

"Honey," a woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door."

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A Frog on the Psychic Hotline

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

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A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear
he'll feel worse when he feels better.

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Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's
just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

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Emergency Call

This Doctors pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he was an
anaesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a Highway
Patrol sped up behind him -- lights flashing.

He hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an
emergency call.

Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair
of handcuffs out the window.

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Johno brings a mate to play golf with two of his regular golf mates. His
buddies ask him if his friend can play golf, and Johno replies, "He's
really good" The new bloke hits his first tee shot into the bush, so his
mates look at D*ck and say, "You said your mate was a good golfer!"

Johno says, "Just watch him play."

They see the ball fly out of the bush onto the green, where the new bloke
takes two putts and makes an easy par.

On the second hole, a par 3, he hits the ball into the lake. The two mates
look at Johno again and say, "You said this bloke was good."

Johno replies, "Just watch, he's a great player.

The new guy walks right into the lake after his ball. Three minutes pass
and there's no sign of him. Suddenly they see a hand come out of the water,
they tell Johno to dive into the lake to save his mate, because he's
drowning,

Johno replies "No ... that just means he wants a 5-Iron!"

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IF GOD TEXTED THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.

2. dnt wrshp pix/idols

3. no omg's

4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)

5. prnts ok - ur m&d r cool

6. dnt kill ppl

7. sx only w/ m8

8. dnt steal

9. dnt lie

10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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There is a new website that allows parents to rent toys instead of buying
them for Christmas. The website is perfect for parents who aren't sure that
they love their child." -Conan O'Brien

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Penguin droppings hit panda queue at Edinburgh Zoo:
 Click here

Russian press conference invaded by flying d*ldo:
 Click here

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This is a must see....undoubtedly one of the best ventriloquist ever...
 Click here

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Chug!
 Click here

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Proposed Cleveland Browns Stadium retractable roof
 Click here

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Whew! It was a lot of work but I'm done ... got the tree up!
 Click here

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American Presidents in Uniform
 Click here

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Breast Feeding In Public Causing Traffic Jam
 Click here
What were you thinking?

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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Have a very awkward Christmas
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
Reminds me of those weirdo record labels.

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Ripper Of A Speech
 Click here

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Unbelievable
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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