Friday humour - December 23, 2011

From Gussius @ Bluehaze

Season’s greetings to one and all.

Contributions this week arrived from Anonymous3, Burnout, Diks, Duke of
Barsinov, Johnny Green, KRP,
Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Whizzbang, Tommo963, Allnutts, Digi Steve, Diks,
Duke of Barsinov, Mausie
Down Under, Sack and the ever faithful Anonymous.


Oldest motor-cycle racing circuit still in use.

Hell of an endurance test ..AWESOME VIDEO!!

The Isle of Man TT was for many years the most prestigious motor-cycle race
in the world. The racing is held on public roads closed for racing by an
Act of Tynwald (the parliament of the Isle of Man). It is the oldest
motor-cycle racing circuit still in use. The official lap record for the
Snaefell Mountain Course is 17
Minutes and 12.30 seconds at an average speed of 131.578 mph
 Click here


Hilarious Staff Meeting:

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff
meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty
sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits
of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to
have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use
past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the
essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top
10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went
very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.


Cain for Presidentt: New Herman Cain Ad

Don't count out Herman yet!
 Click here



to see your Christmas present click here:
 Click here



Grandpa's Garage:

Ever hear the saying, "They don't build them like they use too! Wait till
you click on this link and read about an 84-year old and how he spends his
day in "Grandpa's Garage".
 Click here

Don't forget to click on pages 2, 3, & 4 after you've seen page 1. PAGES


Male soprano:
 Click here


Take a good look at yourself:
 Click here


The Lucky Country:

If Australia is the lucky country.....Then how come Spain, Italy and Greece
are getting a new Prime


Norwegian Royal Guard:
 Click here


Baby Boomers:
 Click here


Sometimes the simplest solutions are less expensive:

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes,
without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was
set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell
you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise
that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small
variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a
cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly
distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the
supermarket don't get p'd and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got
the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new
project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve
their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too
stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, RFP, third-parties selected,
and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution on
time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time.

They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would
sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less
than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank
the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start
the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project:
amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the
scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were
gaining market share. "That's some money well spent" he says, before
looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after
three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a
dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report.
He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come
back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't
picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the
conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of
the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty
boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

Oh, that, says one of the workers, one of the guys put it there cause he
was tired of walking over every time the bell rangť.



Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if
his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for
what we call a Do-It-Yourself
Virginity Test Kit - A small can of red paint, a small can** **of blue
paint and a shovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you
paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!',

.......... you hit her with the shovel*


The deaf Italian bookkeeper:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out
of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to
testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer
tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask
him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.." Guido
signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried
behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the

Don't you just love lawyers ...


Nude Santa - definitely not for children!!!!!!!!!!

NUDE SANTA ----- Careful ....

Scroll down to see the nude Santa
















For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa!

Sometimes I just can't believe you!!!




TV viewer problem:

I liked this one too!
 Click here


The Wrong Diner:
 Click here

Glock yourself out of this one and the pump is not much in this crowd,


Winner of the Nursing Home Talent Show:
 Click here

The funniest interview you will ever see:
I'd defy anyone not to laugh...What a shocker!!
 Click here

Oh hell, and then then there was this on the side bar:
 Click here


Lady juggler:

Do what? Amazing!
 Click here


The Irishman and the Indian on Birth Certificate:

Oldie but a Goodie Dept. an acquired taste, I think but some people think
it's hysterical.

Irish spelling titles. interview starts 1:15 in, after an unnecessary seppo
 Click here


Seasons greetings:
 Click here

And then when you've done that…Let me be one of the first to wish you a
very merry Christmas by sending you this do it yourself jigsaw Christmas
 Click here


Another quiet Sunday afternoon on Pittwater:

This is spectacular! Don't get seasick...
 Click here


A couple of nights ago:

I went out for a few drinks with some mates and had a few beers and some
rather nice claret; I knew that
I was a little over the limit so I did the right thing and took a 'bus

I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since
I had never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got it from.


A beautiful tribute to our serving lads and lasses by their wives:
 Click here


Christmas Message for the GOLDEN AGE:

Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.

Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
and all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grand kids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter (But we are so deaf that
it just didn't matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p. m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!


Night Nurse:

The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short & sweet, a
good one.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour
shift. Preparing to write a check,
she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she

'Well, that's great.... that's just great.......... some as*hole's got my


Silence is golden:

A guy, with a very depressed look about him, sits down at the bar and
rapidly orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn't talking to me for a

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe
that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"

The guys says, "Yeah, but today is the last day."


You know this is true:
 Click here


Santa delayed:

It's Christmas Eve when Santa arrived at the home of a beautiful young
woman. She took one look at
Santa and decided to make love to Santa.

“Oh Santa, won't you stay the night? she purrs. Santa replies, “HO, HO, HO,
Gotta go! Gotta Go! Gotta deliver those toys, you know.

The young woman tried again to tempt Santa by letting down her long silky
hair. “Oh Santa, now won't you stay? Santa again replies, “HO, HO, HO,
Gotta go! Gotta Go! Gotta deliver those toys, you know.

The young woman tries one last time. She opened her robe and revealed her
beautiful body.

“Oh Santa dear, won't you please stay?"

Santa, now very aroused, replied: “Hey, Hey, Hey, Gotta Stay! Gotta Stay!
Won't fit up the chimney THIS way!


How Santa knows:

You better watch out, You better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is tapping your phone.

He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail
Santa Claus is tapping your phone

He hears you in the bedroom
He surveilles you out of doors
And if that doesn't get the goods on you
Then he'll use provocateurs.

So you mustn't assume
That you are secure
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door
Santa Claus is tapping your phone


Out of this world:

Saturn fly-by
 Click here


Every Body needs a Stupid Joke!

Two mates are out cruising around. When the guy driving powers right
through the red light.
"Mate, you just ran that red light!" he said.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver.

Well, they continue to drive when the driver went flying through another
stop light.

"You ran ANOTHER stop light. You are going to get us killed!!" exclaimed
the passenger.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!" the driver said.

After a while they came to a green light when the guy stopped.

"Why are you stopping?" the driver turned around and said, "Because my
brother might be coming!

Jill was a knockout but alas, she also was virtually brainless.
Fortunately, this was no drawback as far as John's plans for the evening
were concerned. He was delighted when she agreed to come up to his
apartment for a nightcap.

As he prepared the drinks, full of anticipation, Jill explored the
apartment, stopping now and then to examine a painting or a book title, she
didn't quite understand. At last she stopped dead in front of his

"What on earth is that?" Jill asked pointing to a carved wooden object
lying on the mantel.
"Oh, that. It's African," John replied. "They use them in their fertility
rites. It's a phallic symbol."
"Oh, I see." stated Jill demurely. "I'd hate to tell you what it looks



Riots in Blacktown recently caused over $1 million worth of improvements

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Lakemba, killing anyone who's
Australian. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her
forehead and realised she was just on standby.

Just fostered a Muslim. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich
works a treat!

The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .....

"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request ?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back.. As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request ?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed
a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ?"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him
square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

I SAID ....


I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirtyand
s*xy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean,
a ginger kid, with two friends?

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d*ldo flies out and
thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns
around and says, "Don't worry;
that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get
off the ground with a d#ck like that."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in
front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending
money on good speakers," he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was
caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them....
they are bound to be curious about 5ex at that age." "Curious about 5ex?"
replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a
gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh! t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?


Spectacular video footage:

This adventurous video had my eyes glued to the screen. I hope you enjoy it

 Click here


Christmas Card:
 Click here


Water trick:

A Woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her man's temper and threatening
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my man comes
home drunk,
he threatens to slap me around."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When he comes home
just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time he came home
I swished with water I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How
does the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water does Buggar All - it's keeping your mouth shut
that does the trick."


Cliff Hanger:

Amazing... great study of why and how photography
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Clinging on for dear life to the side of a vertical cliff, the tiny lion
cub cries out pitifully for help.

His mother arrives at the edge of the precipice with three other lionesses
and a male. The females start to clamber down together but turn back
daunted by the sheer drop.

Eventually one single factor determines which of them will risk her life to
save the youngster - motherly love.

The drama begins: The mother arrives at the edge of the cliff as her son
cries out for rescue after being trapped when he slipped

On the brink: Four lionesses look over the edge before aborting their
rescue mission because of the sheer drop

Slowly, agonizingly, the big cat edges her way down towards her terrified
son, using her powerful claws to grip the crumbling cliff side.

One slip from her and both animals could end up dead at the bottom of the

Just as the exhausted cub seems about to fall, his mother circles beneath
him and he is snatched up in her jaws.

She then begins the equally perilous journey back to the top. Minutes
later, they arrive and she gives the frightened creature a consoling lick
on the head.

The dramatic rescue, captured by wildlife photographer Jean-Francois
Largot, was played out in Kenya 's
Masai Mara game reserve.

Despite the presence of wardens to deter poachers, day-to-day life for the
lions is not without its dangers ... as the cub learned the hard way.

Rescue mission: The mother inches her way down the cliff face to rescue the
terrified cub before locking him in her jaws and making her way back up the
cliff face

Motherly love: The mother gives her son a lick to say that all is well in
the pride following the drama

HOW AWESOME IS THIS? Amazing!! Photos


Casket jalopy:
 Click here


 Click here


PAKISTAN... more than you think:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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This is not how I thought Pakistan would look -- but this is Pakistan

"Astola Island" [near Pasni Baluchistan 40 km from shore]. Astola is
Pakistan's largest offshore island and the only significant offshore island
in the northern Arabian Sea.

"Arror Rock" [near Rohri in Sindh] The shape of rock was caused by unknown
natural forces. There is also a Shrine on the top.

This is an amazing view of a tunnel and bridge over a river on the railway
track from "Rohri to Quetta".
This track passes through 20 tunnels and over 368 bridges. It's the longest
Railway gradient of world, and most scenic Railway ride of Asia.

Headmarala, Sialkot Mountains of Jammu & Kashmir in the background.

Attabad Lake also known as Hunza Lake is a lake in the Hunza Valley of
northern Pakistan. The beautiful lake was formed due to a massive landslide
at Attabad village in Gilgit-Baltistan,
9 miles (14 km) upstream (east) of Karimabad that occurred on January 4,

Is this Great Wall of China? No. It's Wall of Sindh in Ranikot [3 hrs drive
from Karachi]. It's the part of one of the Largest Fort in World, Fort of

Kalam Valley. It is a valley along the upper reaches of the Swat River in
Swat, Pakistan. Kalam Valley is known for its waterfalls, lakes and lush
green hills, and is a 270 km drive from Islamabad, the capital of

Kachura Lake. The Kachura Lakes are two lakes in the Skardu District of
Gilgit-Baltistan, Northern
Pakistan. The lakes, at 2,500 metres (8,200 ft) in elevation, are Upper
Kachura Lake and Lower Kachura

This is a 'Mud Volcano'. In Pakistan there are more than 80 active mud
volcanoes, all of them in
Baluchistan province; there are about 10 locations having clusters of mud
volcanoes. In this region, the heights of mud volcanoes range between 800
to 1,550 feet (243.8 to 472.4 m). The most famous is

The Great Trango Tower, 6,286 m (20,608 ft). The east face of the Great
Trango Tower features the world's greatest nearly vertical drop. [aka
Tallest vertical mountain of world] Located in Gilgit-Baltistan
Region of Pakistan. This is one of the most difficult mountains to climb.

Laila Peak, Hushe, Karakoram Range, Pakistan. It has a distinctive
spear-like shape. One of the most beautiful & scenic snow covered mountain
of the world. The Laila peak has been climbed only twice.

This is not Fox and Franz Josef Glacier, New Zealand. This is Biafo Glacier
- which is a 63 km long glacier in the Karakoram Mountains, Pakistan meets
the 49 km long Hispar Glacier at an altitude of 5,128 m (16,824 feet) at
Hispar La (Pass) to create the world's longest glacial system outside the
polar regions.

Makran, Pakistan. The present day Makran derived its name from Maka, a
satrap of Achaemenid Empire.
Maka was an important early eastern satrapy of Cyrus the Great, founder of
the Achaemenid Empire.

K2. It is the second-highest mountain on Earth, only after Mount Everest.
It has a peak elevation of 8,611 m [28,251 feet]!!!

Concordia Base Camp, Pakistan. This is the view from Concordia towards the
valley of the Baltoro Glacier at dawn. On the left [Paiju peaks], middle,
[Trango towers] & on the right [Grand Cathedra].

The epic Lake Saiful Muluk. It is located at the northern end of the Kaghan
Valley (34ˇă52ˇä37.34ˇĺN 73ˇă41ˇä37.71ˇĺE) near Naran, Pakistan. The
clarity of the water comes from the multiple glaciers all around the high
basin which feed the lake.

Village Halmet, Neelum Valley, Pakistan. Neelum Valley is definitely
another hidden pearl of Pakistan. No other valley in Kashmir can compare
this valley and even most of the Pakistanis know little about it and have
little visited there.

Lansdowne Bridge of Rohri, Pakistan. A marvel of nineteenth century
engineering, the 'longest "rigid" girder bridge in the world' at that time,
was begun in 1887. Designed by Sir Alexander Meadows Rendel,
the girder work weighing a massive 3,300 tons was erected by F. E.
Robertson, and Hecquet.

Is this Grand Canyon or Texas? No. It's Hingol National Park of
Baluchistan, Pakistan. It got Mysterious
Mud mountains, beautiful blue water Hingol river, desert and deep blue
Arabian sea. [3.5 hrs drive from
Karachi on Makran coastal highway]

Cold Desert of Skardu in Pakistan. This is one of the most beautiful
tourists attraction of Northern areas of
Pakistan. There are huge sand plains in Skardu.

Passu Peaks, Hunza, Pakistan. Mysterious mountains stand like a wall
between Hunza river and valley.

Uli Biaho Tower, Pakistan. It is a peak near Trango Towers and Baltoro
Glacier in the Northern Areas of
Pakistan. It consists of two main peaks, Uli Biaho Tower (listed by
Roskelley as 19,957 feet, and by Kopold as 6109 m (20,058 feet)); and Uli
Biaho Peak (Kopold: 6417 m), which as of 2006 was unclimbed.

Rakaposhi, Pakistan. Rakaposhi is also known as Dumani [Mother of Mist]. It
is situated in the Nagar valley.

Nanga Parbat. It is the ninth highest mountain on Earth and among the
eight-thousanders with a summit elevation of 8,126 meters (26,660 ft). It
is also an immense, dramatic peak that rises far above its surrounding

Karamber Lake. Karambar Pass marks the boundary between the Chitral and
Ishkoman Districts of
Pakistan. The Karmabar Lake is almost 3 km long approx and it is 4300
meters above sea level. The flowers of autumns are worth seeing on this

Dudipat Lake is a lake encircled by snow clad peaks in Lulusar-Dudipatsar
National Park. The lake lies in the extreme north of the Kaghan Valley.


The Ultimate Christmas yard decoration:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

The site is near the Oak Creek Bridge on the St. Michael’s Road [MD 33].
The folks who own the property always have eye-catching displays
celebrating various ‘holidays’ through the year… this year for Jületide
they have certainly outdone themselves!

Merry Christmas


Meanwhile, in Ohio...:
 Click here


The quickest way to get to School:
 Click here


Cruel Trick:
 Click here


This is how to complain PROPERLY:
 Click here


Your XXX Christmas card!:
 Click here


Male version:
 Click here


Three old Aussie rednecks were working up on an outback  Queensland  cell
phone tower: Coot Hooter,
Hurricane Lamp and  Martin Place.  As they start their descent, Coot slips,
falls off the tower and is killed instantly.. As the ambulance takes the
body away, Martin says, 'Well, bugger me; someone should go and tell Coot's

Hurricane says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Martin says, 'Where did you get that beer, Hurricane?' 'Coot's wife gave it
to me,' Hurricane replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her
husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly',
Hurricane says. 'When she answered the door,  I said to her, "you must be
Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken..  I'm not a widow.' Then I
said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are..'

Queenslanders are good at that sensitive stuff.


Aussie Jingle Bells:
 Click here


Wouldn't you love to say:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Maxine is up to it again



An Aussie touch to the whole silly affair…
 Click here

Have a great Twenty Twelve…


 Click here


25 Clever Ideas to Make Life Easy:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Good for young mothers and the obsessively tidy!

Doubt this will make the cut. Can you imagine what this person's house
looks like!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some ideas are quite interesting tho.............. and I do like the heart
shaped eggs

Clever ideas: hull strawberries with a straw

Clever ideas: use a walnut to heal furniture scratches
Rubbing a walnut over scratches in your furniture will disguise dings and

Clever ideas: WD40 for cleaning crayon off TV screens
Remove crayon masterpieces from your TV or computer screen with WD40 (also
works on walls).

Clever ideas: keep a cut apple from going brown
Stop cut apples browning in your child's lunch box by securing with a
rubber band.

Clever ideas: store bedlinen sets inside their pillowcases
Overhaul your linen cupboard - store bedlinen sets inside one of their own
pillowcases and there will be no more hunting through piles for a match.

Clever ideas: bowl as iPhone sound amplifier
Pump up the volume by placing your iPhone / iPod in a bowl - the concave
shape amplifies the music.

Cleaver ideas: wet wipe dispenser as plastic bag storage
Re-use a wet-wipes container to store plastic bags.

Clever ideas: baby powder to remove sand from feet
Add this item to your beach bag. Baby powder gets sand off your skin easily

Clever ideas: velcro strip on wall to hold soft toys
Attach a velcro strip to the wall to store soft toys.

Clever ideas: gift wrap storage on cupboard ceiling
Look up! Use wire to make a space to store gift wrap rolls against the
ceiling, rather than cluttering up the floor.

Clever idea: stocking over vacuum to pick up lost items
Gotcha! Find tiny lost items like earrings by putting a stocking over the
vacuum hose.

Clever idea: box lid cupcake holder
Make an instant cupcake carrier by cutting crosses into a box lid.

Clever idea: how to fold a fitted sheet
For those who can't stand the scrunching and bunching: how to perfectly
fold a fitted sheet.

Clever idea: magnetic bobbypin
Forever losing your bathroom essentials? Use magnetic strips to store bobby
pins (and tweezers and clippers) behind a vanity door

Clever idea: use shower caps to hold shoes when packing
A tip for holiday packing. Store shoes inside shower caps to stop dirty
soles rubbing on your clothes. And you can find them in just about every

Clever idea: muffin pan craft storage
A muffin pan becomes a craft caddy. Magnets hold the plastic cups down to
make them tip-resistant.

Clever idea: bread tags as cable labels
Bread tags make the perfect-sized cord labels.

Clever idea: cook cupcakes in ice cream cones
Bake cupcakes directly in ice-cream cones - so much more fun and easier for
kids to eat. Definitely doing this!

Clever idea: microwave your own popcorn in a plain paper bag
Microwave your own popcorn in a plain brown paper bag. Much healthier and
cheaper than the packet stuff.

Clever idea: use a tension rod to hang spray bottles
Brilliant space-saver: install a tension rod to hang your spray bottles.

Clever idea: how to make heart-shaped eggs
Win friends at breakfast with this heart-shaped egg tutorial. Aww shucks!

Clever idea: use upside-down muffic pan to make cookie bowls
Turn your muffin pan upside down, bake cookie-dough over the top and voila
- you have cookie bowls for fruit or ice-cream.

Click here for recipe
 Click here

Clever idea: freeze aloe vera lotion for soothing burns
Freeze Aloe Vera in ice-cube trays for soothing sunburn relief.

Clever idea: gutter veggie garden
Gutter garden: Create a window-box veggie patch using guttering.

Clever idea: egg cartons for Christmas ornament storage
Use egg cartons to separate and store your Christmas decorations.


Extraordinary Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Some old, some new, most remarkable extraordinary Photos

The world's highest chained carousel, located in Vienna, at a height of 117

Thor's Well a/k/a "the gates of the dungeon" on Cape Perpetua, Oregon. At
moderate tide and strong surf,
flowing water creates a fantastic landscape

Emerald Lake in the crater of an extinct volcano. Tongariro National Park -

Restaurant on a cliff on the east coast of Zanzibar.
Depending on the tide the restaurant can be reached both on foot and by
boat. (now for a spelling lesson and a Texta)

Office of Selgas Cano in Madrid
 Click here

Desert with Phacelia (Scorpion Weed). Flowering once in several years.

Balloons in Cappadocia.

Dubai. The view from the skyscr*per BurjKhalifa. The height of buildings is
828 m (163 floors).

And this is the view down

These trees grow in the forest near Gryfino, Poland. The cause of the
curvature is unknown - tall dogs? J

The border between Belgium and the Netherlands in a cafe
Belgium must be Smoking Area

Twice a year in the Gulf of Mexico rays migrate. About 10 thousand
stingrays swim from the Yucatan
Peninsula to Florida in the spring and back in the fall.

In the resort town of Skagen you can watch an amazing natural phenomenon.
This city is the northernmost point of Denmark, where the Baltic and North
Seas meet. The two opposing tides in this place can not merge because they
have different densities.

In the Chinese province of Shandong is a bridge across the Gulf of
Jiaozhou. The bridge length over 36 km is calculated for eight car lanes,
and is the longest sea bridge in the world.

Day and night. The monument in Kaunas, Lithuania

An unusual tunnel in California's Sequoia National Park

This statue, created by Bruno Catalano, is located in France

Family photo

The longest traffic jam in the world recorded in China. Its length is 260

Paris computer games store. In fact, the floor is absolutely flat.

Marcus Levine - slaughtering an artist in the literal sense. He creates his
paintings by nailing a white wooden panel. At his latest series of
paintings exhibited in a gallery in London, Marcus has spent more than 50
000 pieces of iron.

In the city of Buford (USA) lives just one person. He works as a janitor
and as a mayor.

Autumn camouflage

Haus Rizzi - Germany.

Lena Pillars. Russia, the Lena River.
 Click here

Banpo Bridge in Seoul, South Korea

Favelas of Brazil. The boundary between wealth and poverty.

Lost paradise in the Indian Ocean. Isle of Lamu.

Balcony of floor 103 in Chicago.

From the outside it looks like

View of the sunset from inside the wave.

This is a unique geological phenomenon known as Danxia landform. These
phenomena can be observed in several places in China. This example is
located in Zhangye, Province of Gansu. The color is the result of an
acc*mulation for millions of years of red sandstone and other rocks. These
look to have been "Colour Enhanced"

In northwestern Montana, USA. The water is so transparent that it seems
that this is a quite shallow lake.
In fact, it's very deep.

Airport in the Maldives is located on an artificial island in the middle of
the Indian Ocean

Lighthouse guard in Mare, France must be one of the most courageous people
on the planet!
Not everyone will have a smoke in such weather, and in such a place!

Photo of storm in Montana, USA, 2010

Skyscr*per-Crescent Crescent Moon Tower (Dubai)

Heavy fog in Sydney, which enveloped the whole city

The river above the river: Magdeburg Water Bridge, Germany.

Morning Glory - kind of clouds observed in the Gulf of Carpentaria in
northern Australia

Gibraltar Airport is one of the most extraordinary airports around the


Townsville Pub:
 Click here

I have a mate that used to call the Stockmen's Bar at the Royal Easter Show
the "Lost Fathers' Tent"!


 Click here


What a Happy Time of Year for Kids:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Season's Greetings to you all, especially new parents!


For next winter:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

I might need to speak to you about using considerably less wool!

Do you knit?


 Click here


merry xmas and happy new year from all at friday humour - I used my local
church for the design:
 Click here


My Job Search:

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.
Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly
because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it....
couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician,but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my
net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but
the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but they said I wasn't fit for
the job..

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as
a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was
the same old grind.




This year's Haggis:
 Click here

After a successful shoot on the Yorkshire Moors, this year's Haggis are
being skinned, gutted, and collected, to meet a massive order from over the
border in Scotland. Hunting the haggis is no easy matter.
Before you have even ventured out on hills armed with your meuran (the
standard tool of the haggis hunter) there are myriad traditions to be
observed. Central to the art is stealth. Like the deer stalker, the haggis
hunter must be silent, invisible and without odour. Fortunately, while the
haggis has incredibly acute senses, these function over a very narrow
range. Thus the haggis hunter has to be only a bit silent, a bit invisible
and a little without odour.

The haggis can hear only certain high pitched sounds with any clarity. By
whacking turnips with a mallet next to a haggis warren, or fobhríste, the
prominent cryptobiologist Ima Maidep-Nayim has proved that the animal does
not react to low thudding sounds. However, even a light rustling can make
these delicate creatures bolt. By perverse coincidence, the sound the
haggis is most sensitive to is that of plaid rubbing on underpants. No-one
knows why this should be, perhaps this almost undetectable noise mimics
exactly the sound of a golden eagle plummeting towards its target. Whatever
the reason, the aim of a haggis hunter who sports underwear will never be
true. Hence, the tradition that "true Scots" wear nothing under their kilt.

As far as masking the hunter's smell is concerned, there is only one
substance that can hide the multifarious odours of a haggiser: whisky.
Preferably, the hunter should be absolutely drenched in the stuff to mask
any scent. Many's the ignorant laird who has given his gamekeeper a
tongue-lashing for smelling of alcohol and then had to issue a cringing
apology after learning this bit of haggis lore. Finally,
the haggis hunter must make himself invisible to his prey. Much like the
Tyrannosaurus Rex - a creature to which it is not often compared - the
haggis has eyes that react most effectively to movement, but only movement
in a straight line. In order to creep up on their prey, haggis hunters must
disguise their approach by adopting a shambling, apparently random gait.
This is known as havering.

Thus, if you encounter a Scot stinking of whisky, shuffling down the street
in an ungainly fashion with their kilt flapping round their bare backside
you know they are only hunting the haggis. To show that you are au fait
with "the hunt", approach him (or her) and say in a loud voice: "Ach, your
havering". A lively discussion should ensue.


Who says women can't park -- From the U. K:
 Click here

It's been around before, still a good one.


The Old Cowboy:
 Click here

An Old Cowboy Came Into Church

One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were worn and ragged. In his
hand he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn, dog-eared Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city.
It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen.
The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and
fine jewelry. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No
one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled by his
appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and
asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again,
have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire
for worship in church." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged
jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and
ignored. The preacher approached the cowboy and said,
"I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy. "And what was his reply?" asked the

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He
said He'd never been in this church."


World's Oldest Running Car Fetches $4.62M:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

This is the oldest motor vehicle car in the world that still runs.

It was built one year before Karl Benz and Gottlieb Daimler invented the
internal combustion engine.

The world's oldest running motor vehicle has been sold at auction for an
astonishing $4.62 million (R36.5-
million), more than double the pre-sale estimate, as two bidders chased the
price up in a three-minute bidding war.

The 1884 De Dion Bouton et Trepardoux Dos-a-Dos Steam Runabout drew a
standing ovation as it was driven up onto the stage at Friday's RM Auction
in Hershey , Pennsylvania - to prove that this 127-year-old car really does
run! - and attracted a starting bid of $500 000, which was immediately
doubled to $1 million.

Encouraged by the applauding crowd, the bidding went swiftly up to $4.2
million (R33 million) - 4.62 million (R36.5 million) including the 10
percent commission - before the car was knocked down to a unnamed buyer.

The Dos-a-Dos (Back-to-Back) Steam Runabout was built in 1884 by George
Bouton and Charles-Armand
Trepardoux for French entrepreneur Count de Dion, who named it 'La
Marquise' after his mother.Â

In 1887, with De Dion at the tiller, it won the world's first ever motor
race (it was the only entrant to make the start line!) covering the 32km
from the Pont de Neuilly in Paris to Versailles and back in one hour and 14
minutes (an average of 25.9km/h) and, according to contemporary reports,
hitting a breathtaking 60km/h on the straights!Â

La Marquise has only had four owners, remaining in one family for 81 years,
and has been restored twice,
once by the Doriol family and again by British collector Tom Moore in the
early 1990's. Since then, it has taken part in four London-to-Brighton
runs and collected a double gold at the 1997 Pebble Beach d'Elegance in

Count de Dion winning the first ever motor race.


Maternal Instincts:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Is anything stronger than that natural, loving bond between a mother and
her young offspring ?

At the river ....

In India ....

In the ocean.....

And in the Lidl carpark in Easterhouse, Glasgow....


Dear Santa:
 Click here

This is just too beautiful not to share.

"Dear Santa, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in
Daddy's computer. Amen."


Morning poem:
 Click here

What a Beautiful Day

My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on


Christmas card for you:
 Click here


Quite a good assisted landing:
 Click here

The Pilot was good, But what about the mechanic? How good is this guy?


An E-Xmas card - for the boys: XXX
 Click here


I love old people:

Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer :

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.
S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see
she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon
in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if
she had any other firearms.
She did admit to also havinga 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to
ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did
have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was
she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f*cking thing!"


Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year !

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to our friends and
colleagues, but it is difficult these days to know exactly what to say
without offending someone. So I met with my solicitor and crisis counsellor
yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following :

Please accept with no obligation , implied or implicit , my best wishes for
an environmentally conscious,
socially responsible, low stress , non addictive , gender neutral
celebration of the summer solstice holiday practised with the most
enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your
choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular
traditions at all .

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
year 2012 , but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great
( not to imply that
Australia is necessarily greater than any other country ) and without
regard to the race, creed, colour,
age, physical ability, religious faith or s*xual preference of the wishee .

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms :

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/ him
or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole
discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected
within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or
until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .

Best Regards ( without prejudice )

Name withheld ( Privacy Act ) and partner , and the 2 offspring of said
liasion , not meaning to imply offence at those same-s*x relationships
which may not yet have devised methodology to procreate .


(This warm term of endearment is not to be confused with any brand of
lager, nor is it to imply that the
Qld. brand of lager is in any way superior or preferential to any other
brand of lager)


What's in a name:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


Happy 2012 in advance:
 Click here

There were probably many, many times this year when I may have... Disturbed
You, Troubled You,
Pestered You, Irritated You, Bugged You, Or got on your Nerves!! So today,
I just wanted to tell you:

Suck it up, Cupcake!! Cause there AIN'T NO CHANGES Planned for 2012


Anatomy Lesson: XXX
 Click here


Christmas explained - brilliant:
 Click here



Dear PM,
 Click here

Yours sincerely,



This is my type of fishing:
 Click here

Awesome way to catch fish



This happened in Tassie the other week, probably another reason why it's
not a smart idea following trucks out West too closely

Transformer's road carnage
 Click here

AMAZING ESCAPE: The driver of this ute had just a few minor injuries
despite a massive power transformer, pictured in the background, slamming
into it on the East Tamar Highway. Picture: Courtesy of
Tasmania Police

A MAN is lucky to be alive after a 28-tonne power transformer fell off a
Mack truck and slammed into his ute on the East Tamar Highway yesterday

The crash unfolded near Launceston just before 7am when the mammoth
transformer broke free of its holdings on a sweeping downhill curve at

The transformer came off the right-hand side of the truck's trailer and
landed in the north-bound overtaking lane.

"At impact [on to the road], the transformer started to flip and roll over
30m across and down the overtaking lanes," accident investigator Mike Davis

"It bounced over a vehicle travelling northbound and hit the roadway
directly in front of a Nissan ute."

Sgt Davis said the ute skidded as the driver attempted to avoid the giant
projectile but the transformer crashed through the left-hand side of the

"The driver, who was alone in the vehicle, was extremely lucky to have
escaped without serious injury,"
Sgt Davis said.

The transformer continued on its path of destruction and rolled and flipped
another 30m down and across to the western side of the road before finally
coming to a stop in a drainage culvert.

The ute driver, a 44-year-old Launceston man, was cut free of his wrecked
vehicle and taken to hospital with just minor injuries. .. Police are
investigating the matter. Tasmania


JUST SOME FB captures:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


That look.
 Click here


Explanation of Earthquakes for the Layman:

This is an excellent way to teach engineering principles.

Recently, Christchurch had a terrible earthquake with lots of after shocks.
Some were thought to be oscillatory, while others were believed to be
trepidatory.. It occurred to me that most people might be confused about
this, so I thought it wise to let everyone know the difference.

What's the difference between an oscillatory and a trepidatory earthquake?

1. This calculation is just for engineers:

2. And this one is for laymen -- like you:

This is a trepidatory earthquake -- an up and down movement.....
 Click here

This is an oscillatory earthquake -- a side to side movement...
 Click here

And this is a combination of both trepidatory and oscillatory:
 Click here

Isn't science beautiful when properly explained?


How Good is your English?

This's funny !! hahaha:
 Click here


The correct way to take off a t-shirt: XXX
 Click here


2012 PLAYBOY BUNNY CALENDAR ........... ADULTS * * *

Open in private!!!!!!

2012 Playboy Bunny Calendar!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


Pig and Cookies:
 Click here



 Click here


 Click here


[ End friday humour ]

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