Friday humour - December 16, 2011
4828JW trainset amazing
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Diks
Local Madam.....................
A few years back, in a small Texas town, the local madam also operated the
local telephone service. When the police finally arrested her, they found
her book of "talent." Each police officer was then assigned to investigate
some "girls" from her book.
After a week, the Chief summoned each cop to report his findings.
"Detective Smith, what did you learn about the hookers on your list?"
"Chief, I'm sorry, but I need to disqualify myself," said Smith. "One of
the women I interviewed is eighty-four years old and so charming that I
have fallen in love with her."
"Dammit, boy!" shouted the Chief. "I'm surprised at you. You've been a cop
for 25 years and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"
GROANnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Duke of Barsinov
Jewish Jokes
THE CITIZENSHIP TEST
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language
class.
He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was
then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded:
"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too
cultivate, so I took the subvay home."
THE SINKING BOAT
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat
starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't
swim so well." Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his
lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul toward
shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from
shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
SHIVA
An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife, children,
grandchildren - came to see him, but only one was allowed in the room at a
time.
Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for
you?"
"Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her
delicious chopped liver that she made yesterday.
Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he
can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him."
Ben went back in and reported what she'd said. "You tell Gramma Sadie I
want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any
difference."
Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't
have any. The chopped liver is for the Shiva."
Shiva = 7 days of mourning when the immediate family are visited at home.
THE PARKING SPACE
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for
a parking place, and can't find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a
parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and
all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up
to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"
THE MEZUZAHS
Mezuzahs are a small cylindrical container that contains a prayer that is
put on the right door post of Jewish homes. The prayer inside is considerd
holy and needs to be inspected regularly to check that it is not damaged.
A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills.
He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is f inished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that
he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He goes out and buys 50
mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of
each door except bathrooms and kitchens.
He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't
put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he
sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so
pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.
As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're happy
with the job. By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little
boxes and left them on the table for you!"
MEAL TIME ON EL-AL
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in
front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the
acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after
Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide.
"It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.
CHANUKAH STAMPS
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She
says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey...my god, has it come to this?
Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"
MOISHE
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always
Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregation
departed.
The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these
words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah
and
Yom Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Johnny Green
Check the guy at 4.25
I think my champion contributor means 4:25.. you need nearly 5 mins for
this but my god, what a video - imagine showing this to your grandparents
in the 1960s!
Some hobby ideas.... yeah, for seniors - let's go!
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Johnny Green
Barbie Turns 50
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
WOW! Scroll down and click on this one.
AMAZING.
WOW.. How many hours do you think went into choreographing and practicing
this?
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Mausie Down Under
Senior Texting Codes
SENIOR TEXTING CODES
Since all the "kids" have all their little codes...
like BFF, WTF, LOL, etc. here are some codes for seniors:
ATD- At the Doctor's
BFF- Best Friends Funeral
BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT- Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM- Covered by Medicare
CUATSC- See You at the Senior Centre
FWIW- Forgot Where I Was
FYI- Found Your Insulin
GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA- Got Heartburn Again
HGBM- Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO- Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL- Living on Lipitor
LWO- Lawrence Welk's On
OMSG- Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU- Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
WAITT- Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA- Wet the Furniture Again
WTP- Where's the Prunes
WWNO- Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI- Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Nottingham Smithie
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.
"The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a
man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a Virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of
it.
About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong
out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the
last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3
wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this
time!!!!"
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Nottingham Smithie
Taco Bell has the same effect on me. mp4 - YouTube
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Nottingham Smithie
Gerard Schneider
Hi Everyone
Many of you will remember tenor Gérard Schneider who had the role of Caliph
in DVS' production of Kismet in 2008 and then played the role of Billy
Bigelow the following year in Carousel.
He recently sang in the final of the Australian Singing Competition in
Sydney and we have a couple of links to the two arias he sang there.
We hope you enjoy these.
Che Gelida Manina
Click here
Kuda Kuda [Lensky's' Aria]
Click here
We wish Gérard every success for his career.
Cheers
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Sack
I did not know this...
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Tommo963
The public school system
One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a
stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying.
The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?"
The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The
Lord touched the man who could then see and was happy.
As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked,
"Why are you crying my son?"
The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him
and he could walk and he was happy.
Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked,
"Why are you crying, my son?"
The man said, "Lord I work for the public school system."
....... and the Lord sat down and cried with him!
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Tommo963
Baby It'll Be Yours one Day
An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone: "Where in the Hell Are You ... ?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond
Necklace and Totally Fell In Love With It and I Didn't Have Money That Time
and I said "Baby It'll Be Yours one Day ... "
Wife, With A Smile, Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love !
Husband: I'm In The Pub Just Next To That Shop . . .
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Tommo963
Best short joke of the month
Two blokes are drinking in a bar
One says, "Did you know that Lions have s*x 10 to 15 times a night?"
"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Tommo963
Australian YouTube Humour
Stand Up humour
Click here
Steve Hughes - Australians, Israelis, Palestinians & Aborigines
Click here
Australian Radio Joke
A joke that is on an Australian radio station, very funny
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Tommo963
ACTUAL ANSWERS GIVEN ON FAMILY FEUD
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Tommo963
Attendance call on the first day back at school in Lakemba, Sydney
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."
"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
"Here."
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
"Here."
"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
"Here."
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated,
"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"
A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.
It's pronounced Michael Meyer."
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
Little Greggy came home from school, and his mother asked, "How was your
day dear?" He replied: " Pretty good. I ate all my jam sandwiches for
lunch, passed my spelling test, came first in the 100 metres sprint, was in
the winning netball team, and got a f#@* on the way home."
His mother was shocked and yelled at him," I won't have you talking filth
like that! Its disgusting. Get to your room, you just wait till your father
gets home". So little Greggy went upstairs to his room.
When his father got home, Little Greggys mother told him he had better go
up and talk to him. He went up to his room and said, "
What sort of a day did you have at school son?" Little Greggy said,
"Pretty good Dad, I ate all my jam sandwiches for lunch, passed my spelling
test, came first in the 100 metres sprint, was in the winning netball team,
and got a f#@* on the way home."
His father went downstairs into the kitchen and reefed the cast iron frying
pan from where it was hanging on the wall.
His mother was horrified. "What are you going to do with that?
You're not going to hit him!" she cried. The father said, " No. He can't do
all that on jam sandwiches - I'm going to cook him a steak with Spuds".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young prostitute reports for her first day at the brothel. The madam
says to her, " Do you have any questions?"
The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be
sucked?"
The madam says," The same as the short ones".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Roy was extolling the virtues of his new girlfriend. In fact, she was so
perfect in every way that he'd asked her to marry him, and she accepted.
"I'm really happy for you, Roy," his best friend assured him. "And what did
you say this paragon's name is?"
"Betty Jo," replied Roy, a look of pure happiness coming over his face at
the mere mention of her name. "Betty Jo Bronowski."
"Not Betty Jo Bronowski!" yelled his buddy. "Roy, you can't be serious
about marrying her. She's slept with every man in
Poughkeepsie!"
A frown passed over Roy's face as he reflected briefly. "Heck," he
responded, "Poughkeepsie's not such a big town."
Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my
wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."
The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably
just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?"
Doug said, "Her driver's license."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While living in Michigan it snowed 4 or 5 inches one morning. That
afternoon a fellow three doors down the street knocked on my door. "Your
son pee'd his name in the snow in front of my place," he said.
I replied, "Oh, well, every boy does that."
He said, "Yes, but, this was in my daughter's hand-writing!"
-----------------------------------
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work, and everyone was
encouraged to bring their children.
All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three -year-old girl stared
at the man sitting across from her.The girl could hardly eat her food from
staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair
in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to
just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.
He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet
for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same."
Men and women are created equal, but boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose.
You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will
hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look
just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress
a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle
from your home to the church, even if you are driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are always messy.
Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature
has made. Then she will hit a boy with it. A baby boy will pick up a stick
and start drumming..
5. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut
a quarter inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room
for two weeks than be seen in public.
6. If girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed.
If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
7. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age.
At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
8. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to
make sounds like a truck.
9. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off
the TV during a movie they have already seen.
10. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
------------------------------------------------------------
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and
she wants to marry me."
"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"
"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me alone!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "Do you have any c*ckroaches?"
Clerk: "Yes, we sell them to the fisherman."
Customer: "I would like 20,000 of them."
Clerk: "What would you want with 20,000 c*ckroaches?"
Customer: "I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment
in the condition in which I found it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The father grew increasingly displeased as his teenage daughter and her
boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience
shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door.
Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," the father told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," he replied, "it's parked in the wrong driveway."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers?
Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a
special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every
Sat*rday morning he would take his
7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time
-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Sat*rday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all.
He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would
be disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their
granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single as*hole,
piece of cr*p, horse's ar*e,
blind bastard, dipsh*t, Muslim goat humper or a dropkick anywhere we went!"
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walter, the hypochondriac, checked himself into the hospital for his weekly
physical and diagnostic examination. After a battery of fluid tests, an
alphabet of electronic scans, and several probing's and prodding's, Walter
was resting in his room.
The doctor came in, and said to Walter, " I have good news and bad news,
Walter. Which do you want to hear first?"
"I knew it. Give it to me straight. I can take it. I am dying, I know it.
that's the bad news, right?"
"yes, Walter, you are dying. You have a very rare, but always fatal,
illness. It has no cure or even a treatment option. The pain will be
excruciating, there is no pain medication that will work, and in a week or
so of terrible suffering you will be gone."
"Huh??" was all Walter could say.
"I am sorry Walter, but there really is nothing we can do for you."
"Wait a minute, Doctor, didn't you say that you had good news as well?"
"Oh right, I forgot -- I will be screwing your nurse tonight!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor
told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining
table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left
giggleberry and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual
method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right man-
meatball, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left
side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement
that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk
around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his
boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you
do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Tommo963
All Things Bogan episode
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Tommo963
What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.
What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.
Why is s*x like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky? Whisky improves
with age.
Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.
What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.
What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority.
What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
The Xbuffoon made me promise that I wouldn't say that that actually
happened to him, so I won't tell you.
What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.
What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
I wanna be first to kiss the bride, no me, no me........
What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.
Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Tommo963
Leeds wants to join The Big D*ck Club. He goes down to the local chapter,
walks in, and says to the receptionist, "I want to join."
She asks him, "How long is your manhood?"
Leeds replies, "Eighteen inches."
The receptionist goes into such a hysterical laughing fit that Leeds turns
around and runs out, totally embarrassed.
On his way out, he runs into a guy sweeping. Leeds says, "I can't believe
it! I just told the receptionist I've got eighteen inches and she laughed
in my face."
The sweeper confides, "Listen, pal, there's a lot of competition here.
You see that lump in my sock? That's my d*ck, and I'm just the cleaner."
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Whizzbang
How Kemal Ataturk Solved The Burqua and Hijab Problem in Turkey pcsg
How Kemal Ataturk Solved The Burqua and Hijab Problem in Turkey
This is brilliant in its simplicity. All western nations should introduce
this in their laws where prostitution is legal. That should solve the hijab
and burqa problem once and for all.
For those struggling to ban women from wearing Burqua in their countries,
Mustafa Kamal, who has a nick name of "Attaturk" who is the founder of
modern Turkey resolved the problem in a very wise way. He issued the
following decree;
"With immediate effect, All Turkish women are privileged to wear whatever
they choose, however, all prostitutes must wear a Burqua!!!
The very next day, no women in Turkey were seen with a Burqua.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Whizzbang
We all Need a Tree!
I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had
just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an
hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused
to start.
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me
in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused
briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.
When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation.. His face was
wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a
kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got
the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
'Oh, that's my trouble tree,' he replied 'I know I can't help having
troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong
in the house with my wife and the children.. So I just hang them up on the
tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in
the morning I pick them up again.' 'Funny thing is,' he smiled,' when I
come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I
remember hanging up the night before.'
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Whizzbang
Earth from Above- a collection of aerial photography..
Srne odyssey across six continents. It's a spectacular presentation of
large scale photographs of astonishing natural landscapes. Every stunning
aerial photograph tells a story about our changing planet.
Cattle, Argentina
Click here
Coal mine in South Africa
Click here
Sha Kibbutz, Israel
Click here
Military cemetery in Verdun, France
Click here
Suburbs of Copenhagen, Denmark
Click here
Elephants on the savannah, Botswana
Click here
Favelas in Rio de Janeiro
Click here
Ruins of the medieval city of Shali, Egypt
Click here
Switzerland
Click here
Gullholmen, Sweden
Click here
Denver, USA
Click here
Fraser Island dune, Australia
Click here
Pena, Portugal
Click here
Amazon River, Brazil
Click here
Suburbs of Cape Town, South Africa
Click here
Machu Picchu, Peru
Click here
Walled City of Dubrovnik, Croatia
Click here
The Changping District in Beijing, China
Click here
Cattle near the Masai Mara National Park, Kenya
Click here
Tasmania, Australia
Click here
Boat Houses in Lagos, Nigeria
Click here
Bazaar of Istanbul, Turkey
Click here
Neuschwanstein Castle, Germany
Click here
Hashima Island, Japan
Click here
Stockholm, Sweden
Click here
Boats stranded on the dry Aral Sea, Kazakhstan
Click here
Palm Jumeirah in Dubai, United Arab Emirates
Click here
Pigeon Houses Mit Gahmr Delta, Egypt
Click here
Varanasi, India
Click here
Solar plant in Andalusia, Spain
Click here
Easter Island, Chile
Click here
Epicenter of the Atomic Bomb on Hiroshima, Japan
Click here
Mountains near Jengish, Kyrgyzstan
Click here
Freeways in Los Angeles, USA
Click here
Louver and Ile de la Cité in Paris, France
Click here
Yann Arthus-Bertrand
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Allnutts
Snuggling on the Beach
Click here
This unique video is of a tourist who sat on the beach to watch the seals
and penguins on Gold Harbor, South Georgia. Unexpectedly, one of the seals
is apparently attracted to her and, slowly works his way over to her. He
seems to 'falls in love' and snuggles and flirts with her. It is quite an
unusual and interesting scene. The seals are huge (600 lbs), yet she
never seemed afraid . . . more amused . . .. while someone shot the video
of this incident.
Gold Harbor, South Georgia, is located off the southern tip of South
America. (sub arctic) It is a small bay five miles SSW of Cape Charlotte,
with Bertrab Glacier at its head, along the east end of Georgia. The west
end of the beach where a glacial stream flows is a breeding ground for
various types of penguins and large seals. It is not a frequent
destination for tourists.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Allnutts
Only the Irish.....
Click here
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded
up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery'.
'What's dat?', says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut', says Paddy.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Anonymous3
Where baby carrots come from
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Anonymous3
On the bulletin board
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Anonymous3
Amazing Amish Christmas Lights
Click here
I know it's not the season yet, but these are amazing!
You know very well that the Amish don't use electricity!
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Anonymous3
Fun Flash Drives
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Anonymous3
Great Christmas display
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Burnout
Isle of Mann Motor Cycle Race
The Isle of Man TT was for many years the most prestigious motor-cycle race
in the world. The racing is held on public roads closed for racing by an
Act of Tynwald (the parliament of the Isle of Man). It is the oldest
motor-cycle racing circuit still in use. The official lap record for the
Snaefell
Mountain Course is 17 Minutes and 12.30 seconds at an average speed of
131.578 mph. (211.754kmph)
Between 1907 and 2009 there have been 237 deaths during official practices
or races on the Snaefell Mountain Course.
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Diks
What we use for a deer feeder in OHIO
Click here
My neighbor's back yard..................................
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Duke of Barsinov
ALL MENS RULES ... an email just for the men in the world
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Johnny Green
Timing ......................
Click here
Some old, some new, some pretty darn good.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Johnny Green
2012 Friday Humour: It must be Christmas
Click here Click here
Well at least it's quick.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Johnny Green
2012 Friday Humour on Monday? Some new to me
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Johnny Green
Best Chainsaw Imitation - 2011
Click here
Mind you, one of our more polyphloisboian peregrinators can drum up a fair
hubbub.
Jim Hegarty lives!!!!!!!!!!!
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Johnny Green
Smile
Click here Click here Click here Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Kaos_reflex
Is this you ????
Click here
A mate sent this to me and said it was a picture of you.........
I said no way your d*ck is much smaller.............only joking.....
have a good xmas
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Kaos_reflex
Wine lovers
Click here
FOR WINE LOVERS A ROUGH RED FROM NEW ZEALAND
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Kaos_reflex
Correct Beer Temperature [NSFW]
Click here Click here
I know most of you guys drink beer, or used to and may offer it to others,
so this should be of special interest to you!
How to tell the Correct Temperature of Beer.
For the true and discriminating aficionado,
a glass of the finest beer should only be partaken if it is the correct
temperature.
The subtle nuance of the melded grains.....
The fragile and fleeting taste of the brewers art.....
Can only be truly appreciated if that golden elixir is properly chilled.
To this end, advanced studies candidates in the Graduate Engineering
Department of MIT have developed an easy to use, fully portable Beer
Temperature Tester,
which very accurately determines whether the beverage is acceptably chilled
or not.
To test the beer, simply insert the tester into the glasses shown below:
After the tester has been immersed for a period of not less than fifteen
seconds, remove probes and observe.
The beer on the left is the correct temperature
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Kaos_reflex
Your personal calendar..
Click here
I know you've been waiting for your 2012 Krispy Kreme Calendar
AND HERE IT IS !
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Nottingham Smithie
some really nice seasonal pics
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Angel 4 U
Click here Click here
Because I care enough to send the very best!
WHEN I ASKED
MYSELF
WHO
MIGHT
NEED AN
ANGEL TODAY,
I THOUGHT OF YOU!!!
They didn't want her, so they sent her to me...
I don't want her so, I'm sending her to You!
The rules are simple: You can send her ANYWHERE...
but you can't send her BACK!!!
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Sack
PARKING WITH A CELL PHONE
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Sack
What every office needs
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Sack
Rocks
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Sack
Early Colour Photos
Click here
I think you will find these vintage photographs exceptionally interesting.
These are all stunning photos. Quite amazing! No computer, no Photo Shop,
no
Print Shop, no color film. Interesting photos taken by a Russian
photographer in late 1800's and early 1900's taken in several countries in
color.
He used a three-plate camera with black and white film, each film exposed
through either a red, green or blue filter; then he printed each film on a
single piece of special, color paper through the complementary filters of
cyan, magenta and yellow, creating a color image on the paper. A VERY
tedious process that produces a color image that will last centuries and
the
B&W negatives also will last that long for
reprinting.............................................Enjoy
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Sack
New Ad for McDonalds
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: The Great Gussius
Temporary Bus driver, wet road and a tunnel
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_._
From: The Great Gussius
changes to technology
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: The Great Gussius
Some Old Classics to remember
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Tommo963
Fart humour
Click here
A Festive Fart Tune - Farting Elves 12 Days of Christmas Funny Video
Animation by JibJab
Click here
Funny Fart
Click here
Bad Time To Fart
Click here
Extreme Movie-Fart Scene
Click here
Scooby-Doo - Burp/Fart Off
Click here
George Carlin "Farting in Public"
Click here
Blazing Saddles --Farting Cowboys- Greatest Fart Scene of All Time
Click here
Eddie Murphy - Fart Game
Click here
Description: Preview for Silent But Deadly
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Whizzbang
Only in the UK
Click here
The new breadwinner in the family...
This is preposterous! A doctor told me that a woman in her late 20's came
to the hospital today with her 8th pregnancy
She told the first doctor she saw: "My mum told me that I am the
breadwinner for the family." He asked her to explain. She said that she can
make babies and babies get money from the State for the family. It goes
like this:
The Grandma calls the Department for work and pensions, and states that the
unemployed daughter is not capable of caring for all of her kids. DWP
agrees, and tells her the children will need to go into foster care.
The Grandma then volunteers to be the foster parent, and receives a cheque
for £700 per child each month.
Total yearly income:
£58,800 soon to become £67200 when the 8th one is born, tax-free and nobody
has to go to work!
In fact, they get more if there is no husband/father/man in the home! The
brother does not count.
Not to mention free dental treatment, free housing, free council tax free
school dinners, free tuition fees at college or Uni, free eyecare and
glasses, free prescriptions and various other benefits...
Total value of all benefits combined probably approaching £100,000 per
annum which would require an income of around £148000 to create. About my
salary as a senior consultant with years of experience and surgical skills
in a central London teaching hospital
Indeed, Grandma was correct that her fertile daughter is the "breadwinner"
for the family.
This is how the liberal politicians spend our taxes. When this generous
programme was invented in the '60s, the Great Society architects forgot to
craft an end date... and now we are hopelessly overrun with people who vote
only for those who will continue to keep them on the dole.....
No wonder our country is broke! Worse, our Muslim brothers have been paying
attention, and by mandating that each Muslim family have eleven children,
they will soon replace the voting bloc above and can be running this
country.
Don't forget to pay your taxes!!
There are a lot of "breadwinners" depending on you!
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Whizzbang
The problem is ... ??!
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here
The Problem is not how did they get in there ... it's how do you get them
out??!
Especially the LAST one!!!
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Whizzbang
STATIC DOG! TOO FUNNY!
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Whizzbang
Crazy Pic
Click here
Stare at this pic carefully and you will see this man turn his face.
Share this with your friends if you saw him turn his head
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
From: Whizzbang
There's one in every family !
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
I LOVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!!!
Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]
Previous (December 09, 2011)
Index
Next (December 23, 2011) 