Friday humour - December 09, 2011

From Burnout @ Bluehaze.

From: Anonymous
Subject: Thought I'd start early

Dear God,
My prayer for 2012 is for
A fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.


 Click here


Subject: Gun Wisdom


Comments and sayings from various Conceal Carry Instructors.

It is always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.
And you can take that to the bank.

Words of Wisdom:

If you own a gun, you will appreciate this.
If not, you should get one and learn how to use it.

Shooting Advice:

Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not to protect you.

'Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside arm's length
and never say "I've got a gun". If you feel you need to use deadly force,
for heaven's sake let the first sound they hear be the safety clicking off.
They shouldn't have time to hear anything after that if you are doing your

'The average response time of a 911 call is over 23 minutes, the response
time of a 9mm/.357 or .44 magnum is 1400 feet per second.'

"The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win - and cheat if

"Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. You may get killed
with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it's
going to be empty."

"If you end up in a gun fight, if you're not shooting,' you should be
If you're not loading', you should be moving', if you're not moving', your

"In a life and death situation, do something. It may be wrong, but do

"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous. If
you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for?"

"You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work,

I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty
much the universal language."

"You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you live
depends on how well you do it."

"You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your

If you believe in the 2nd Amendment, please forward.



There is finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and
Muammar Gaddafi are dead.

Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago.


Subject: Just my luck...the NBA settled its strike...Here is a short MUST
See Video

Please take a minute to watch this video especially at this time of year
when the plight of other less fortunate people should be in our thoughts.
 Click here


Subject: Current situation

This is so eloquent in its brevity while painting a perfect picture of the
whole situation. Every member of Congress should have this emblazoned above
the inside of their office door:

Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt is
like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.


Subject: Murder with a Twist

Murder with a Twist -��

A true and bizarre tale ..

For those who have served on jury... This one is something to think
about... Just when you think you have heard everything!!

Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would
attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS)
President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994....... The medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus
had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit
suicide.. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he
fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast
passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter
nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below
the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald
Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied
by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was
threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled
the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through
the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject 'A' but
kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject
'B.' When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were
both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded.
The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the
unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing
of Mr.Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been
accidentally loaded..

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident..

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and
the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun
threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would
shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder
even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one
of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son
was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the
failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to
jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a
shotgun blast passing the ninth story window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical
examiner closed the case as a suicide.

A true story from Associated Press


From Barrie in Taranganba


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have S*x?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
And then the fight started...


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then
went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I
handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you
might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...


Sat*rday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
80kmh, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the
house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......



From: Burnout
Subject: Want a V12........but it wont fit in your car?
 Click here


From: Diks
Subject: The Wrong Diner

Watch to the end......................

 Click here


From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: short story

(Heard at choir last night) -
A group of Jamaicans, residents of South London, complained to the BBC that
there were not enough programmes on TV for their cultural minority. The BBC
responded by showing 'Crimewatch' five nights a week!


From: Johnny Green
Subject: Robyn Williams & iPhone
 Click here


From: Johnny Green
Subject: Draw a Stick Man - and watch him come to life.......

For your grandchildren.

Try this, go on ....................

Draw a Stick Man - and watch him come to life.......


Subject: Frogs

Oldie but a Goodie Dept. plenty more alongside this one if you get the
 Click here


Subject: Striptease

A beauty!
One for a select group........................
Make sure you read the instructions on this page first.

When the video stops just keep pressing "PLAY" again.  It's in the bottom
left hand corner.

You have to watch this one to appreciate just how clever and funny it is.

This is one of the most technically advanced video clips I have seen.
 Click here


Subject: Bar Room Banter

My mate pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said
"That's us in 10 years".
I said "That's a mirror, dip-stick!"


From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  In Flight Safety Video  (Very good - ED)

New in-flight safety video . . .
For all you travelers, pay attention to this.......

Thomson Airways Ltd. In flight Safety Video (a must watch)  This is so well

To my airline friends:  Thomson Airways, based in  London, is the world's
largest charter airline, and, the third largest airline in the  United
Kingdom by total passengers carried.

Thomson Airways, Ltd. holds a UK Civil Aviation Authority Type A Operating
License permitting it to carry passengers, cargo and mail on aircraft with
20 or more seats.  They have a fleet of 63 Boeing and Airbus aircraft, and
in this video, you will see their cabin crew in action.

This is the actual in-flight-safety film shown to passengers and 99% watch
it in its entirety
 Click here


From: Sack
Subject: The Aldi doctor

Technology is  amazing... this would save a lot of people a lot of money,
and only at Aldi!

Last week, Bill emailed me and stated, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess
I'd better see a doctor."

Listen, I emailed back, you don't have to spend that kind of money! There's
a diagnostic computer down at that new Aldi's supermarket. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a

So, Bill took my advice and deposited a urine sample in a small jar and
took it to  Aldi.

He deposited the ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bill
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter,  and a
sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Bill hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.  (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.  Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get

Thank you for shopping at Aldi


Subject: wise answer

A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners.
"Pretty," said one of the blokes. "Big date tonight?"

"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you really think I
could fit in a tiny thing like this?"

Jerry smiled and said, "Do you really think I've lived this long by
answering questions like that?"


Subject: culinary thrombosis

A newly-wed presents at the doctor with chest pains. 'Hmmmm, aha', as
doctors tend to say. Then the doctor says 'I regret to inform you but you
have culinary thrombosis'

'You mean coronary thrombosis don't you Doctor, a clot in the heart'
exclaimed the newly-wed.

'No, you have culinary thrombosis, a clot in the kitchen'


From: The Great Gussius
Subject: The famous Ha Ha pigeon - the Kookaburra (Familiar - ED)
 Click here


From: Tommo963
Subject: Humour
New Vocabulary

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the
vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped
on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will "remove" all the

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the
rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the
movies who, no matter what direction you lean, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest at a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more
you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the
dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here"
spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal
side ".

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses
its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the
phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six
inches away.

New Drugs on the Market

St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy
by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you
couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
improves flirting.

Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q.
causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage
and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in
improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on

Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to
such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked

Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency
and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a
Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember
your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone
too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S*xcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in
treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as
nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it


From: Tommo963

Answer My Prayers Steal This Car

Beat rush hour, leave work at noon

CAUTION Blonde Thinking

CAUTION Driver Just Doesn't Give A Sh*t

CAUTION! I can go from 0 to BITCH in 2.5 seconds

Driver Carries No Cash HE'S MARRIED

Horn Broken Watch for Finger

How's My Driving? Dial 1-800-EAT SH*T

I brake suddenly for tailgaters

If we call it tourist season why can't we shoot them?

I just got a gun for my wife. It's the best trade I ever made.

I love cats they taste like chicken

I may be a Cruel and Heartless Bitch But I'm damn good at it

I'm Only Driving Like This TO P*SS YOU OFF

I'm Out of Estrogen And I Have a Gun

I still have the body of an 18 year old but it's in my trunk and it's
starting to smell

I Still Miss My "Ex" But My Aim Is Improving

I want to be just like Barbie That BITCH Has Everything!

I Wonder if You'd Drive Any Better if that CAR PHONE was UP YOUR BUTT

Keep Working, Millions on Welfare Depend on You

Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control!

Men are Idiots and I married their King

Out of my mind (back in 5 minutes)

P*ssing off the whole planet one person at a time

Practice Safe S*x, Go Screw Yourself


So Many Cats, So Few Recipes

Stop Honking You'll Wake The Guy In The My Trunk

Support Your Local Police


This Is Not An Abandoned Vehicle

Too S*xy For This Car

Visualize using your turn signals

With beer, roos, and Utes trucks who needs women

Women are great leaders, You're following one

Work Harder Millions On Welfare Depend On You!

Yeah! You can have my gun bullets first!



From: Whizzbang
Subject:  A Trip to a place you will probably never visit....

This is an excellent trip through the space station, enjoy.

 A Trip to a place you will probably never visit....(The Int'l Space 

This is a 7 minute video, but is something you will never see in person.
 Click here


From: Whizzbang

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the
middle east.
Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement

God Bless Australia


From: Whizzbang

The Cab Ride

I arrived at the address and honked the horn.
after waiting a few minutes I walked to the door and knocked.. 'Just a
minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being
dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before
me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on
it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase.
The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the
furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no
clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the
corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware..

'Would you carry my bag
out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to
assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked
slowly toward the curb.

She kept
thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to
treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'

'Oh, you're such a good
boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then
asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'

'It's not the
shortest way,' I answered quickly..

'Oh, I don't mind,' she
said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.

I looked in the rear-view
mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she
continued in a soft voice.. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I
quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me
to take?' I asked.

For the next two
hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had
once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the
neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds
She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a
ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner
and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was
creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'.

We drove in
silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a
small convalescent home,
with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to
the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching
her every move.
They must have been expecting her.

opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was
already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?'
She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other
passengers,' I responded.

without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an
old woman a little moment of joy,' she said
'Thank you.'

I squeezed her
hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.
It was the sound of the closing of a life..

I didn't
pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought.
For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had
gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?
What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven

On a quick
review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great
moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may
consider a small one.


You won't get any big surprise in 10 days if you send this to ten people.
you might help make the world a little kinder and more compassionate by
it on and reminding us that often it is the random acts of kindness that
most benefit all of us.

Thank you, my

may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well



Japan - 6 months post sunami.. incredible!
 Click here


And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda
 Click here


Subject:  Queenslanders Never Brag 

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on
his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear
to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy
everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around,
keen to know what they are celebrating.

"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby
boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland.
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of
"STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The barman says
"You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds
at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in
2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g  s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "Had him circ*mcised!"


Subject: Seeing Eye Dogs

Two women were out for a Sat*rday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other,
a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman
Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of
dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the
heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said,

"A Chihuahua? They gave me a f.........g Chihuahua ?!"


Subject:  Brain teaser

This message serves to prove how our minds can..... (etc)

 7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR
M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD!
0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.


Subject: Vietnam war era music

If you want to download and keep any of these songs just right click on
song and then click on save target as ok


For old music lovers
 Click here


Subject: A guy races into the men's toilet

A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal,
whips out his twelve inch d*ck and says with a sigh of relief,
"Phew, just made it."

The guy next to him looks over and says, "No Sh*t, can you make me one too,
but in white??"


From: Allnutts
Subject: FW: awesome! Can you do this???
 Click here


From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: Beer, Fishing, Golf & S*x
 Click here

A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing,
golf and s*x."


From: Anonymous
Subject: How you can tell someone was not brought up on a farm?
 Click here


From: Anonymous
Subject: The New York Lawyer and the Texas Deputy

Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas .....Too bad...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He
thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New
York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from
Houston, TX . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
What for?' says the lawyer...
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and
registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and
 stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the
ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
sh*t out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow

God Bless Texas


From: Biggus
Subject: Pics for FH
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: Burnout
Subject: The Shipboard Romance
A young Brisbane woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the sea,
but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young
man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off
to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every
day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to
go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of
red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me
food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Stradbroke Island


From: Burnout
Subject: Have yerself a drug f**ked little christmas.......

Dashing thru the snow, in a V8 wonder sled, crashing into trees, cos im off
my f**kin head.
Been smokin billys too, a dozen beers or more, im headin for the red light
zone to get myself a whore!
Oh jingle bells, jingle bells, Santas smokin weed. Mrs Clause is on the
floor, she's overdosed on speed.
Blitzens' f**ked, the elves are too, they're peakin off their heads, and if
Rudolph snorts another line, the pr*ck will end up dead..


From: Diks
 Click here

Now, that is funny!!

Make sure the sound is on and WATCH to the END


From: Johnny Green
Subject: New Signs To Ponder Over
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here


From: Johnny Green

Geez you blokes at work must be bored, the stuff I'm getting today!

Stare at this pic carefully and you will see this man turn his face.
 Click here


From: Johnny Green
Subject: 2012 Friday Humour on Thursday: Non Sequitur newspaper cartoons.

Attached are the best (with the exclusion of Reg, of course!) I can find
since Gary Lar*en knocked off 17 years ago at the grand old retirement age
of 44.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


From: Johnny Green
Subject: Julie GellARD (thanks Barack) nuclear and gay issues
 Click here


From: KRP
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


Have we become so dumb that Aus Post has to tell us how many 60c stamps are
required to make $1.20, $1.80 or $3.00?
 Click here


From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: Massive Dishwasher/Sandwich Maker Sale.. (Your gunna Die! - ED)


A very brave man sent this to me..... And an even braver man forwarded it
to you...
 Click here


From: Mitta
Subject: World's most precise Tape Measure (Language Warning - ED)
 Click here Click here


From: Sack
Subject: 27 worst nativity sets
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Sack
Subject: FW: Have a look at these Outstanding Caricatures
 Click here


From: Sack
 Click here


From: Sack
Subject: Milkman - worth a read!!

Notes left in milk bottles - remember the good old days?

After reading these, I realise why they stopped door-to-door delivery!!!

Dear milkman...

I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking
the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on
the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and
I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but
the other way round.

When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me
because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's
Coronation Street . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a
cup of tea?

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or
do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and
did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days
in between, except Wednesdays and Sat*rdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in
drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play
bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote
this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and
put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until
further notice.


From: Sack
Subject: what can I say
 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Subject:  New Motivational
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From: Whizzbang
 Subject: The Rodeo Position (XXX - ED)
 Click here


From: Whizzbang
 Subject:  Proof they actually exist - Truth is always stranger than
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: Whizzbang
Subject: Translation provided... (XXX - ED)

Translation : I told you not to wear boots with your mini skirt, now
everyone's looking at you!
 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Subject: Pitch Back Phenom!
 Click here



From: Whizzbang
Subject:  b*obs

Brilliant. I had no idea. You learn something every day.
This is much simpler than I thought !
How B*OBS Got Their Name
No need to thank me....
just trying to keep friends informed and educated.
 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Subject:  The names say it all!
 Click here


Quote of the Week:

May you live all the days of your life.

- Jonathan Swift

[ End friday humour ]

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