Friday humour - December 02, 2011
[from Steve @ Bluehaze]
Each time you peel a layer off an onion it doesn't seem like much has gone,
until you get near the middle, by which time its not really an onion any
more. So much for our health system ...
This weeks offerings arrive my means of Allnutts, Diks, Johnny Green,
Kaos_reflex, Nottingham Smithie, Tommo963, Whizzbang, and a number of
A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars", she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's
only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on
them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?", asks the
"I'm making love to my wife!", Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."
Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face."
When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up
I've spent most of my life golfing. the rest I've just wasted.
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
The ardent golfer would play **Mount Everest** if somebody would put a flag
stick on top.
Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!)
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they
are out having fun.
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it
in one afternoon on the golf course.
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five
Give me golf clubs, fresh air &a beautiful partner, and you can keep the
clubs and the fresh air.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined
to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat
until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Golf is a game in which one endeavours to control a ball with implements
ill adapted for the purpose.
A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.
Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
Born to golf. Forced to work. (sometimes with "to pay for habit" included.)
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.
Golf and s*x are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
May thy ball lie in green pastures ... and not in still waters.
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it
straight, it's a miracle.
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a
Renault and Ford joint venture
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Cl*taurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able
to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is
and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and
can be a real bitch to start in the morning. Some have reported that on
cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but
eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight
typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but
say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected
to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
Who said golf is a tough game?
Qantas wont be Aussie any more
Gordon was the proprietor of a bar in Glasgow ...
He realizes that virtually all of his customers are unemployed alcoholics
and, as such, can no longer afford to patronise his bar.
To solve this problem, he comes up with a new marketing plan that allows
his customers to drink now, but pay later.
Gordon keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the
Word gets around about Gordon's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy
and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into his bar. Soon
he has the largest sales volume for any bar in Glasgow .
By providing his customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Gordon
gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, he substantially increases
his prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Gordon's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic president at the local bank recognises that these
customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases
Gordon's borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for any undue concern because he has the debts of the
unemployed alcoholics as collateral!
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make
huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into
These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities
Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to
them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics.
Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb - and the securities soon
become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage
One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at
the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on
the debts incurred by the drinkers at Gordon's bar. He so informs Gordon.
Gordon then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons. But, being
unemployed alcoholics -- they cannot pay back their drinking debts.
Since Gordon cannot fulfil his loan obligations he is forced into
bankruptcy. The bar closes and Gordon's 11 employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.
The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents
it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in
The suppliers of Gordon's bar had granted him generous payment extensions
and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.
They find they are now faced with having to write off his bad debt and with
losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.
His wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family
business that had endured for three generations, his beer supplier is taken
over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective
executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion pound no-strings
attached cash infusion from the government.
The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on
employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in
Now do you understand?
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
In her own eyes, Suzy was the most popular girl around.
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."
'Really?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the
concept of death very carefully to your child.
This will make threatening him with it much more effective. ~~~ P. J.
"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the
life-insurance salesman asked his client.
"What do you mean?" countered the woman.
"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?"
The woman thought a minute then brightened up and said,
"A poodle, I think
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming
The other day I met a good friend of mine who is a genetic engineer. He was
happy to tell about of his job.
His latest project is the splicing of DNA from different species of birds.
First he combined the DNA from a pheasant and a hen. It worked! He called
it a "Phen."
Next he successfully combined a pheasant and a goose. He called it a
Yesterday, he explained, he finally was able to mix a pheasant and a duck.
He called it... "Charlie".
A school teacher asks her class, "What vegetable makes your eyes "water?"
Little Johnny replies, "A turnip, miss."
"No Johnny," says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of an onion,
"No miss," says Little Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with a
Things you would like to lear, just once ...
From a mechanic:
"That part is much less expensive than I thought."
"I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."
"You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."
"It was just a loose wire. No charge."
From your child's preschool teacher:
"Everyone misbehaved today except Michael."
"Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks."
"I wish we had 20 Michaels."
From a store sales assistant:
"The computerised cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases
with a pencil and paper."
"I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers."
"We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your
home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund,
whichever you prefer."
From your doctor:
"Of course I'll come by your house to check on you."
"Give me a call at home over the weekend if you're not feeling better."
"Sure, come on by this afternoon, we'll work you in."
"I'll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test."
"Here, take these samples."
"Don't worry about it, there's no charge for that."
"I recommend you get a second opinion."
From a contractor:
"Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
"I think I came in a little high on that estimate."
From a dentist:
"I think you're flossing too much."
"I won't ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."
From restaurant staff:
"I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since
you ask, it's Tim."
"I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."
You Know It's Time to Diet When...
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you
22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
Two friends were having lunch in the office cafeteria.
"So how'd your ski weekend go?" Monika asked Judi.
"It was great," Judi replied. "But ... there was some good news and some
"What was the good news?" Monika asked.
"The good news," Judi answered, "was that I shared the cabin with these two
drop-dead gorgeous men!"
"Wow! That must have been wonderful!" Monika replied. "So what's the bad
"The bad news," Judi explained, "was that they were engaged to each other!
According to a new book called "The Hardness Factor," carrots, bananas and
cuc*mbers are just as effective as Viagra for men.
Actually, depending on the size of the carrot, banana or cuc*mber, you
might not even need the man. - Jay Leno
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a
man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of
minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right.
I'll trust you anyway.
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Bubba decided to visit Colorado to do something he could never do back home
... snow skiing.
Unfortunately for Bubba, before he was even able to make it up the hill, he
was knocked unconscious by the chairlift.
As soon as he could, he called his insurance company from the hospital only
to be told that they were refusing to cover his injury.
"What do you mean?!?" Bubba screamed. "Why wouldn't you cover an injury
"You got hit in the head with a chairlift," the insurance rep. explained.
"That makes you a moron.......and we consider that to be a pre-existing
You know you've lost your "cool" status when...
- You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
- The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
- You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
- Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that s*xy.
- You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer
and joining them.
- You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the
- Grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
- Jogging is something you do to your memory.
- "Rocking all night" means dozing off in your rocking chair.
- Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
- All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
- You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new
I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet, which had a "Tested to British
Safety Standards" sign on it.
Underneath someone had scrawled: "So was the Titanic."
The blonde co-ed danced excitedly into her room clapping and chanting, "I
won! I won! That guy is so stupid!"
Her roommate asked "What on Earth are you going on about?"
"Well," the blonde explained, "I just met this really stupid guy who bet me
a dollar that if I touched my toes he could screw me without my feeling a
thing, and I won!"
A big Texan is walking down the main street of Dublin when he encounters
Paddy standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.
This prompts the Texan to attempt to realize a lifelong dream and he says
to Paddy, "Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like
to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and
hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy
that horse off of ya, how much ya want fer it?"
Paddy says, "O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he
don't look too good these days."
"Hey, Boy," says the Texan, "Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin'
horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't
nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name
yer price and we'll get along fine."
"I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye
don't want any part of 'im," says Paddy.
The Texan is getting angry now. "Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be
the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price
and I'll pay cash right here and now."
"Oh well," says Paddy, "Two-thousand of your American dollars then."
"Deal!" says the Texan and he hands over the money, Paddy unties the horse
and the Texan leads him off.
The horse walks smack into the first lamppost in the way, and the Texan
turns to Paddy and says, "Hey, Boy, you a durned swindler,
you didn't' tell me this here horse was blind!"
"I keep tellin' you he don't look too good," says Paddy, "and you kept
saying that's none of my business, so I gave up."
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people
who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
following statement. "Capitalization is the difference between helping your
Uncle J*ck off a horse, and helping your uncle j*ck off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
My husband and I were invited to a party and each couple brought a dish.
When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it said the
recipe was called "Better Than S*x Cake."
After my husband tasted it, he blurted out, "I sure feel sorry for the
person who named this dessert."
A blokes sister had been ill, so he called to see how she was doing.
His ten year old niece answered the phone.
"Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.
"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" he asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," his niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
"Jim," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling
me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really
don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know,
like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's Mrs. Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you
don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say
'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'" -- Robin Williams
My wife and her friend were talking about their labour saving devices as
they pulled into our driveway. Her friend said, "I love my new garage door
"I love mine too," my wife replied, and she honked the horn three times.
That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.
An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to
his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight."
The wife replied, "Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But, I am always gentle with you, dearest."
"That's not true," she replied. "The last time you woke me up TWICE!"
After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by
my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate.
"Father's date of birth?" she asked.
When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly
nine months before your son's birth?"
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it,
I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said,
"Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."
A husband asks his wife, "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How
do you control your anger"?
"I clean the toilet bowl."
"How does that help"?
"I use your toothbrush."
A drunken man was casually taking a p*ss into a drinking fountain in the
A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically. "What the hell do
you think you're doing? There's a public toilet 20 yards from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back. "What do you think I have, a hose?
The irate diner raised his hand to catch the attention of a passing waiter.
"Excuse me," said the man, "but how long have you been working here?"
"About a year," replied the waiter.
"In that case," said the diner, "never mind. It couldn't have been you that
took my order.
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend finishes off some Peanuts
on the coffee table. As they're leaving,
his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Sure, since I lost my dentures I can only suck The chocolate off
Paddy is on a bus, when a young woman sat opposite to him, starts to breast
feed her baby. "Come on, eat up, or I'll give it to that man over there,"
she says to the baby.
10 minutes later, she is still trying to feed the baby and says, "Come on,
or mummy will give it to that man over there."
Paddy looks over to the woman and says, "For heaven's sake missus, will you
make your mind up. I should've got off this bus 3 stops ago!"
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's panties off the
clothesline. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12
clothes pegs back.
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a
"You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if
they find out they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got
the better of the man. "I have to ... go" he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents'
bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his
head around the door and asked,
"Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?
The old professor got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and
the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very
simple," said his tutor, "just use diplomacy."
"What's diplomacy?" asked the old professor, as that was something he'd
never needed while teaching.
"Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge.
Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening
them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the Tutor steward
flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. Without
batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"
The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door.
"Wow, did you see that Cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She had
no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?"
"That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her," said his Tutor.
The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his
own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found
A couple making love on the bed.
"Tea or coffee, sir?"
"Tea," the man replied.
"And for your brother?"
Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around
a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?"
Ed asked one of the crowd.
"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said
nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on
for the full three minutes yet, and there's a prize of $100 for anybody who
"I can do that," Ed said confidently.
"You can't," said Ted. "You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that
"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine. The machine
thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but
still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was
bucking almost vertically and spinning until
Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the
machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.
He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted.
"Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that?" Ted
"Remember three months ago," Ed said. "When your wife had whooping
Click here Click here Click here Click here
Flag of France
Empire State Bldg: Amazing Old Construction Photos
During planning stages the construction death toll was estimated to be one
worker per floor, or over 100 workers overall. However,
only a handful of workers lost their lives during construction.
The tower was one of the first to employ the then new fast-track
construction technique. At least 32 people jumped to their deaths off the
observation deck on the top during the deck's operation.
Framework rose at the rate of 4 1/2 floors per week.
Construction took just over 18 months.
A VERY bad day.
Attitude is everything
It doesn't matter how your day has gone. Always go home with your head held
Workplace Health & Safety - alive and well in South Africa
Walkabout Tavern at Nhulunbuy (Gove) N.T. recently
Here is a snippet from a security camera outside of the Walkabout Tavern in
Gove. I guess "Kebbin" didn't like getting barred from entry that evening??
Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!
[ End friday humour ]
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