Friday humour - November 25, 2011

From Gussius @ Bluehaze

Once upon a time, Australia’s national airline, affectionately referred to
as Quaintar*e, had a CEO of
Irish extraction, Mr Alan Joyce.

One day after a blue with the working class rabble in the Kingdom, Al
decided to shut down the airline worldwide stranding passengers across the
globe. Nothing like this had happened since terrorism had been invented.

However there is no truth to the rumour that Al-Qantas did that because in
his youth he had been a member of a Dublin musical ensemble called The
Tallaght Band.


This week’s Thanksgiving contributions flowed in from Anonymous3,  Diks,
Johnny Green,
Kaos_reflex, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Tommo963, Whizzbang, Wronknee, 4M,
Allnutts, Burnout, Dianne, Digi Maria and the ever faithful Anonymous.

Humour contributions are always welcome; that is funny ha ha, funny
peculiar, or funny unusual,
and can be sent to us at this email address: contribute at bluehaze dot com
dot au.

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Christmas 2011 -- Birth of a New Tradition

As the holidays approach, the giant Asian factories are kicking into high
gear to provide Australians with monstrous piles of cheaply produced goods
-- merchandise that has been produced at the expense of Australian labour.

This year will be different. This year Australians will give the gift of
genuine concern for other
Australians. There is no longer an excuse that, at gift-giving time,
nothing can be found that is produced by Australian hands. Yes there is!

It's time to think outside the box, people. Who says a gift needs to fit in
a shirt box, wrapped in
Chinese produced wrapping paper?

Everyone -- yes EVERYONE gets their hair cut. How about gift certificates
from your local Australian hair salon or barber?

Gym membership? It's appropriate for all ages who are thinking about some
health improvement.

Who wouldn't appreciate getting their car detailed? Small, Australian-owned
detail shops and car washes would love to sell you a gift certificate or a
book of gift certificates.

Are you one of those extravagant givers who think nothing of plonking down
the Benjamin s on a
Chinese made flat-screen? Perhaps that grateful gift receiver would like
his driveway sealed, or lawn mowed for the summer, or games at the local
golf course.

There are a lots of Australian owner-run restaurants -- all offering gift
certificates. And, if your intended isn't the fancy eatery sort, what about
a half-dozen breakfasts at the local breakfast joint.
Remember, folks this isn't about big National chains -- this is about
supporting your _home town
Australians_ with their financial lives on the line to _keep their doors
open._

How many people couldn't use an oil change for their car, truck or
motorcycle, done at a shop run by the Australian working guy?

Thinking about a heartfelt gift for mum? Mum would LOVE the services of a
local cleaning lady for a day.

My computer could use a tune-up, and I KNOW I can find some young guy who
is struggling to get his repair business up and running.

OK, you were looking for something more personal. Local crafts people spin
their own wool and knit them into scarves. They make jewellery, and pottery
and beautiful wooden boxes.

Plan your holiday outings at local, owner-operated restaurants and. How
about going out to see a play or ballet at your hometown theatre.

Musicians need love too, so find a venue showcasing local bands.

Honestly, people, do you REALLY need to buy another ten thousand Chinese
lights for the house?
When you buy a five dollar string of light, about fifty cents stays in the
community. If you have those kinds of bucks to burn, leave the postie,
garbo or babysitter a nice BIG gift.

You see, Christmas is no longer about draining Australian pockets so that
China can build another glittering city. Christmas is now about caring
about US, encouraging Australian small businesses to keep plugging away to
follow their dreams. And, when we care about other Australians, we care
about our communities, and the benefits come back to us in ways we couldn't
imagine ..

THIS is the new Australian Christmas tradition.

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It's all in how you word it

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said:

Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have
to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains
to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers
driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50

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I wish I were 18 again:

George Burns sings…
 Click here

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Cowboy At The Pharmacy:

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH ... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!

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Check out Frances Dilorinzo - Homemade Implants - This is one of the
funniest:
 Click here

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THIS BIRD IS AMAZING: .. AND long-winded, but I'm sure some will love it.

An astonishing bird !!
 Click here

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Abe and Esther Goldberg:

Abe and Esther Goldberg are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to
celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have
ceased functioning and we are going to attempt an emergency landing.
Fortunately, I see an uncharted, deserted island below us but we be able to
land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never, ever, be
rescued and we will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the
island.

An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our
charity pledge check to Beth
Shalom Synagogue yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay
our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"

"Oy no! I'm sorry Abie. I forgot to send the check," she says.

One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue
Building Fund this month?," he asks.

"God forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss ever in their 40 long
years of marriage.

Bewildered, Esther pulls away and asks, "So, why did you kiss me?"

Abe answers excitedly, "They'll find us!!".

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World's longest sea bridge opens to traffic in China:
 Click here

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John Terry:

Poor old John Terry the England football manager is in hot water again
following allegations that he racially abused QPR defender Anton
Ferdinand.........

John Terry has written a letter of apology......... Good Golly Anton, sorry
about all this monkey business, it's only a bit of black humour really and
it's all gone bananas. What say we call a spade a spade and end this whole
dark episode between us. Feel free to swing by for a drink sometime. You
might even be able to help me put up my Xmas lights, as soon as I got them
out of the box this year they reminded me of niggers, only half of the
bastards work, but they look great hanging from a tree.

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What an amazing guy:
 Click here

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Physical:

I didn't enlist in the Army; my number was drawn out of the barrel. So I
wasn't going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor
asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"

"What letters?" I answered slyly.

"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."

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Differences in Aviators ...:

Naval Aviator

On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer
("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger
above his head. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight
controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a
brisk salute, continuing the Navy/Marine tradition of asking permission to
leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm
forward and pointing down deck,
granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes
airborne.

Air Force Pilot

We've all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just before
taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot's thumb is
sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb,
salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition
is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does
not have his thumb up his ass.

Army Aviator

If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you
will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is
given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of
this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which
of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his
controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the ground
crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.

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ALZHEIMER'S TEST FOR MODERN SENIORS:

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong.... didn't you? Don't worry. You don't have
Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert.

FYI

I failed too !

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Breaking News:

To save the economy, on October 30, 2011 The PM will announce that she is
ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead
of illegal's) in order to lower Social
Security and Medicare costs.

Old people are easier to catch, and most will not remember how to get back
home!

I started crying when I thought of you.

RUN, YOU OLD BUGGER, RUN!!

Well..... Someone sent it to me and I'm not going alone!

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The Stranger:

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our
small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting
newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was
quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind,
he had a special niche.
My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil,
and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He
would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and
comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always
knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed
able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league
ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped
talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each
other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for
peace and quiet.
(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger
never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed
in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time
visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and
made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal
use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.
He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He
talked freely (much too freely!) about s*x. His comments were sometimes
blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing..

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced
strongly by the stranger.
Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom
rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our
family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was
at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would
still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to
him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?....

We just call him 'TV.'

(Note: This should be required reading for every household!) He has a wife
now.... we call her
'Computer.' Their first child is "Cell Phone". Second child "I Pod "

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FIRST BOOK:
 Click here 


... now you know what we go through as we try to teach the COMPUTER!

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How to tell if you are gay:

Noel Coward was at an airport press assembly at Sydney International
Airport some years ago. The press were eager for a news story and Coward
was suffering jet lag.

Some fool reporter asked "Mr Coward, it has been said that you are a
homos*xual; is it true?"

With a pitying look, Coward replied "Certainly not... but the gentleman I
sleep with is"

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Jokes:

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped
smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I
stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped
drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having s*x can kill you; This morning I stopped
reading.


That smoker's toothpaste you bought me isn't any good!"

"C'mon, dear, just give it a try. It'll get those nicotine stains off of
your teeth in no time."

"I don't know how you can say that! I can't even light the damn stuff!"


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Humour:

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he
had to use the loo in the worst way, so he hurried to find the toilets.

He searched in vain for the toilets, but instead, all he found was a
beautiful fountain with foliage.
Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there. When he
finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.

He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the
second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"


A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort
with his family at the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for a drive in the car.

One particular Sunday however, he was so sick that he really didn't feel
like driving at all.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she
would take their daughter out.

They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her
father.

"Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with Mommy?"

"Oh yes! Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what... we didn't see a
single bastard!"


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Welcome West:

When I introduced my friend Wes to the proprietor of my favourite Chinese
restaurant, the owner greeted him enthusiastically, saying, "Welcome,
West."

Wes shook his hand and smiled despite the mispronounced name.

All through the meal, the proprietor checked to make sure "West" was
pleased. Finally, Wes corrected him, "It's Wes, not West."

"West, not West?" asked the confused man.

Wes smiled patiently and nodded. "Yes," he said, "Wes, no 't'."

"Ah," said the proprietor ... as he walked away with our teapot.


Two women are at the water cooler, and the first one says, "I've got a sore
throat."

The second one says, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat, I go home
and give my husband a bl*w job, and it clears it right up. You should try
it."

The next day they're at the water cooler again.

The second girl says, "It worked like a charm. I feel much better. You
know, your husband just couldn't believe it was your idea."

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Drinking makes you look beautiful:

A fellow turned to a woman sitting beside him in a bar and said; "Drinking
makes you look beautiful,
darling."

She looked a little surprised and answered, "but I haven't had a drink
yet."

He smiled and said, "no, but I have!"

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Procrastinator's Creed:

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of
bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries,
and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the
amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change
my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write
the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

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INSULTS:

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at s*x than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at
birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like
you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a licence to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an
idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

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Quotable quotes:

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks
"Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood
up, turned the page, and sat down again.
(David Brenner)

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
(Jerry Seinfeld)

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So
one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my
grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when you see
them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on
their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a
party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help
you?" and he said
"No, I'm just looking." (George Miller)

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Insulting Women:

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.

Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the
pigs.

You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

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Humour:

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.


With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to Earth to
check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he
saw. "If you believe in me enough to give me $50," he said, "I will grant
you eternal life."

"Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never believed in
God."

God walked up to another man and made the same offer.

"Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not," the
guy said, "but here's 50 bucks, just in case."

As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm Pat Robertson and
don't really care if you're God or not," he said excitedly. "Just teach me
the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give you $100."

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Two blokes were talking at work:

"I've got a problem," said the first one.

"What is it?"

"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a
present for her birthday,
from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother,
why can't she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.

"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."

"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.

The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy
his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.

When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the
family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone,
"Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law
weren't so thoughtful!"

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the
gift I gave you last year!"

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Talking horse:

Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his horse, John. He would
call out, "Hey there, John,
old mate, how's everything today?"and then bridle his horse.

One day while going through this routine he said, "Hey there, John..."
when, to his surprise, the horse turned around and interrupted him!

He said, "For months now, you've walked in here and said, 'Hey there, John,
old mate, how's everything today?' and I'm tired of it! You never wait for
an answer, and besides, my name is
Randy!"

And with that, the horse took off running!

Shocked, the owner took off after the horse trying to catch it. Seeing the
pursuit, his dog joined the chase.

After a while the man became tired and stopped to rest at the side of the
road. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his face as his dog, who had
continued the chase, came back also now breathless, and sat down beside
him.

The man wondered aloud, "I've never heard a horse talk before!"

"Me neither!" said the dog, gasping for air.

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An Avon lady:

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She
promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon pine scented
deodoriser. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to
sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like," she asked?

The bemused man answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone
cr*pped under a
Christmas tree."

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A Scotsman is on holiday in New York:

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It's a balmy spring day and he
is wearing a kilt.

A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn
beneath the kilt.

"No lassie" he replies, "everything is in fine working order."

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Just For Laughs TV Pranks:

Biking Gorilla Boys
 Click here

Dog Thieves Prank
 Click here

Involuntary Auction Winners
 Click here

Human Zoo Prank
 Click here

Mime Hits Invisible Wall Prank
 Click here

Balloon B*obs Girl
 Click here

Rolling Away Toilet Gag
 Click here

Shrinking Gift Box Gag
 Click here

Extremely Fast Rally Car
 Click here

Clumsy People Prank
 Click here

Frozen Car Prank
 Click here

Engine Blowout Pranks
 Click here

Crazy Lost Tourists Prank
 Click here

Staring Man Pranks
 Click here

Fat Ballerina Man and Buff Girl Photo
 Click here

S*x Change Shirt Prank
 Click here

House Of Cards Genius Kid
 Click here

POPCORN GALORE!!!
 Click here

Crazy Cutout Girl Gag
 Click here

Bike In Post Prank
 Click here

Big Biker, Tiny Pink Bike
 Click here

Coke Machine Barman
 Click here

Dangerous Urinal
 Click here

S*x Change Toilet
 Click here

Women's Bathroom Viewing Hole
 Click here

Breast Milk Coffee
 Click here

Chippendale Waiter
 Click here

Little Kid Poops Like Man
 Click here

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Epiphany:

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the
top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his
thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade.

In this manner, he travelled across the lawn, covering as much distance
vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me.

And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a
moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes,
hunched over that ant on my hands and knees,
I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon.


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Jokes:

A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires
a neighbourhood kid named Bubba to do the job for him.

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba comes in
after having mowed the lawn and proceeds to pee in the toilet.

Curiosity got the better of the husband and he just had to look. Bubba had
the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your
d*ck get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."

Bubba laughed and said,

"It's simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost
three times."

The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could
hardly wait to try it himself.
Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on
the bedpost three times.

He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat
up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said,

"Is that you, Bubba?"


I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns
out I got it all wrong (the program's called Fact Hunt). I guess I should
have checked it first.


Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip went anyway.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those d*ck enlargers, so I did.....
she's 21 and her name's
Lucy.

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Jokes:

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to
harass the kid.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid
when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."


Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an
attractive young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez.

The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the
coroner's office, and when he came back he was horrified to find his best
friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could.
"Pierre, Pierre!" shouted the gendarme. "That woman -- she is dead!"
"Dead!" howled Pierre jumping up. "Sacre bleu - I took her for an American!


A blonde walks into a bar, slips on some s**t and cracks her head on a
table. She then walks to the bar and gets a drink.

A brunette walks in, slips on the same s**t, and cracks her head on the
same table. The blonde points to the s**t and says," I did that!," and so
the brunette whacks her on the jaw!


Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.


The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low
cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

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A resolution to the Greek debt crisis:

The Greek debt crisis that has roiled world markets for weeks was resolved
today when Greece agreed to marry TV reality star Kim Kardashian for 72
days.

The marriage, believed to be the first ever between a sovereign nation and
a television personality,
is expected to net billions of dollars for Greece's debt strapped economy.

A friend of Kim said that she had her "fingers crossed" that the marriage
between Ms. Kardashian and Greece would last 72 days.

"I don't want to spread rumors about Kim," she said, "but I've heard she's
seeing Italy." (Alex
Kaseberg)

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Uh Oh!:
 Click here

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Group S*x - and YOU!!!:

If s*x with 3 people is called a threesome and s*x with 2 people is a
twosome,

now I understand why they call you handsome.

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Pronouncing:

If tough is pronounced tuff, then why isn't doughnut pronounced duffnut?

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Ultimate Photo Editing:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

*Now THIS is why you can't believe any picture you see on the Internet!*

This is a perfect example of what an expert can do with Adobe Photo Shop!

The guy who did these pictures did an awesome job!

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Luxury flying in the 30's
 Click here
I can picture one plane saying to another, we' ve come a long way baby.

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So Hard To Pick A Favorite:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Johnny Cash-less:
 Click here

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LIGHTED CASKET:
 Click here

Prankster! Willie P. Richardson

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The party:
 Click here
Before and after

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Chihuahua Plays with English Mastiff:
 Click here
How did that happen?

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Newfoundland Turtle Burgers:

Barbecue season is here. Bon appetite! Instead of the same old, same old ??
 Click here

Handmade ground beef patties, topped with sharp cheddar cheese, wrapped in
a bacon weave,

Then the next step, add hot dogs as the heads, legs with slits for toes and
tail.

Next step. Place on an oven rack, covered loosely with foil and baked for
20-30 minutes at 400 degrees.

Or you can do them on the Barbee, too. A little crispy, not too crunchy...
just how a turtle should be, right?

Should be served in close proximity to a portable defibrillator unit!

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Animal things:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Early hunting season greetings:
 Click here

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Obama's Cadillac:

Twenty things you didn't know.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Obama's Cadillac: 20 things you (probably) didn't know !!

1 - Power comes from a 6.5-litre diesel engine that's fitted with a
supercharger to help haul this beast around. Yet despite this mammoth power
plant, the top speed is only 60mph and it takes around 15 seconds to reach
this.

2 - It is based on a GM truck chassis and weighs a staggering 6,350kg. To
put that in context, the
Rolls-Royce Phantom, one of the biggest cars on the road, weighs a paltry
2,550kg in comparison.
This will be why the Obamobile only averages 8mpg.

3 - A lot of the weight comes from the Armour protection. The body is made
up of steel, aluminum,
titanium and ceramic.

4 - The glass is five-inches thick and only the windscreen opens, to allow
the driver to talk to secret service running alongside or to pay a toll. It
is also hermetically sealed to secure it from chemical attack.

5 - Should the worst happen, The Beast has its own oxygen supply

6 - The military-grade Armour means the doors are eight-inches thick and
weigh as much as a
Boeing 747's.

7 - The doors are so thick that Obama can't hear any outside noise, so
speakers are built in to play the ambient sound of the crowd.

8 - The underside is reinforced with a Kevlar mat to protect Caddy One from
bomb attacks.

9 - The fuel tank is leak proof and filled with special foam that prevents
it from exploding, even in a direct hit.

10 - There are two holes in the front bumper that can emit tear gas and
fire smoke grenades.

11 - There is also an infrared video system for the driver to drive through
smoke and night vision cameras for driving in darkness without lights.

12 - Cadillac One normally flies two flags, the American flag and the
Presidential Standard, which are lit up at night with LEDs. When Obama is
on a state visit, the Presidential Standard is replaced by the flag of the
country he is visiting.

13 - The Beast has a firefighting system located in the boot.

14 - Also in the boot is a bank of the president's blood that iscarried at
all times and when he goes out an ambulance always follows close behind.

15 - Obama gets a presidential limo built to this specification every four
years and the old ones are handed down to vice presidents and visiting
heads of state.

16 - The Obamobile can seat seven, with two seats up front, three
rear-facing ones in the middle,
and two at the very back, one for the president and the other for a guest.

17 - Inside, Obama isn't deprived of his creature comforts; a 10-disc CD
player is among the features, as well as sophisticated electronic
communications with direct phones to the White House and internal Internet.

18 - Defence systems include a pump-action shotgun in a compartment beside
the driver.

19 - The tyres are reinforced with Kevlar and can run when flat. If the
tyres are missing, the steel rims have been designed to allow the car to
keep on driving at speed

20 - Unlike previous presidential cars, Caddy One has no specific model
name.

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Moosehead:
 Click here

It must have been the beer...

This actually happened with some guys from Maine.

They dressed the truck up with the guy dummy spread eagle on the roof of
the truck.

The driver and passengers put on Moose Heads.

Down the Maine Toll Interstate they went causing about 16 accidents.

They went to jail.

(some cops have no sense of humour)

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Wailing Wall in Israel and in Greece:

The wailing wall in Jerusalem...
 Click here
The Wailing Wall in Greece...
 Click here

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You'd enjoy this. Very funny:
 Click here

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Saif al-Islam Muammar Al-Gaddafi:

 - his name means sword of islam - so should he be sent to purgatory
 Click here

they have captured the grinning buffoon out in Libya - I remember the
Chinese used to administer stimulants so that for this technique the pain
was amplified - a fitting end, if they bring him here he would probably get
probation, a very slow lingering death is less than he deserves - grin now
you piece of dogsh*te

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Great Poster....!!!!:
 Click here

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May we live in peace without weeping. an artwork wot I done:
 Click here

May we live in peace without weeping. May our joy outline the lives we
touch without ceasing. And may your love fill the world, angel wings
tenderly beating. May God grant you many years to live,
For sure he must be knowing The earth has angels all too few May the best
day of your past Be the worst day of your future.

There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well or you are
sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: Either you will
get well or you will die. If you get well, then there is nothing to worry
about.

But if you die, there are two things to worry about: Either you will go to
heaven or you will go to hell. If you go to heaven, then you have nothing
to worry about.

But if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your
friends, then you won't have time to worry!

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Israel's new airport security:
 Click here

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the
privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth
you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive
device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this
cr*p about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and
expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly
thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is
proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"

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Council Recliners:
 Click here

Bunning's is having a sale on Council Recliners. I have just figured out I
have been using mine incorrectly...

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Purpose for airline pillows:
 Click here

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Be Happy
 Click here

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So True:
 Click here

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Teddy Bear:
 Click here

Learn how to hold a Teddy Bear and a microphone at the same time, incase
your photo taken!

Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand ......
Priceless!!!

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BOB:
 Click here

watch till the end

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ENJOY BEING AN AUSSIE:

Just imagine...

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago, you would
have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in IAG one year ago, you would have
$33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you
would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have
received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &
recycle. It is called the
41-Keg.

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900miles a year.
Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, of 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average,
Aussies get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you damned proud to be an
Aussie!
(converted to metric doesn't sound so good!)

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[ End friday humour ]

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