Friday humour - November 04, 2011

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Banks and Airlines. Sheesh! Both with record profits. Both crying poor.
Occupy Sanity!!

This weeks offerings come courtesy of Biggus, Burnout, Diks, Johnny Green,
Sack, The Great Gussius, Tommo963, Whizzbang and the ever present anonymi.



The British Commentator returns to discuss the ass-whopping OBL got. The
last minute is hilarious. This guy is good.
 Click here



Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
A. Mas-scare-a

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A. Frostbite.

Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. He didn't have the guts.


This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
"What on earth are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"


Q. Why do you always find ghouls and demons together?
A. Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Q. What's it called when a witch has serious trouble?
A. A grave problem.

Q. What happens if you see twin witches?
A. You won't be able to tell which witch is witch.

Q. What was the witch's favourite subject in school?
A. Spelling.

Q. What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A. It's a pain in the neck.

Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin.

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. Why did the witch put her broom in the wash?
A. She wanted a clean sweep.

Q. What is evil, black, and goes round and round?
A. A witch in a revolving door.

Q. What do birds give out on Halloween?
A. Tweets.


81 yr old car driven by 101 yr old woman
A really nice story!!
Notice how she even puts a cloth down on the running board before she gets
in the car.
 Click here


Great bar name
 Click here


I went into the fines office today to pay a speeding ticket, the clerk
said, "How would you like to pay your fine?"
"Cash and you're not too bad yourself." I replied.


New Ford for 2012

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women which should be
far less susceptible to theft.
They are mixing the 'Renault Clio' and the 'Ford Taurus', naming it the
"Cl*taurus " 

Apparently the average male thief won't be able to find it, let alone
operate the damn thing!


While I'm no fan of Halloween and its celebration for so many unrelated
reasons, I believe in credit where credit is due, and this has got to take
the cake.

 Click here


A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot
dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday! Mayday! My pilot just died!"

Ground control receives her call for help and answers back, "Don't worry,
Madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me
your height and position."

"I'm 5'2" and sitting in the right front seat."

Ground control responds, "Repeat after me: Our Father ... Who art in Heaven


The wife suggested I get myself one of those d*ck enlargers, so I did ...
She's 21 and her name's Lucy.


Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend ...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy,
Or in other words ... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for
half an hour, as I started to feel sick.

It's great though. It provides me with everything I need -

KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot ...


Question - Are there too many immigrants in the US ?

17% said yes;

11% said no;

72% said "No hablo Engless."


Walking the dogs:
 Click here

The New Seth Efrica:
 Click here


I've got the shorts for it. nice music too!
 Click here
I have a vague recollection of a Thai fight. Not sure it's this Thai fight.


Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you're riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However in business we (you) often try other strategies with dead horses,
including the following:
1.  Buy a stronger whip.
2.  Threaten the horse with termination.
3.  Appoint a committee to study the horse.
4.  Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
5.  Lower the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6.  Appoint a team to revive the dead horse.
7.  Ride the dead horse "outside the box."
8.  Buy a commercial off-the-shelf dead horse.
9.  Create a training session to increase our riding ability.
10. Reclassify the dead horse as "living-impaired."
11. Kill all the other horses, so this one will look the same.
12. Name the dead horse "Paradigm Shift" and keep riding it.
13. Ride the dead horse "smarter" not harder.
14. Hire outside consultants to ride the dead horse.
15. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
16. Provide additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
17. Do a cost analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
18. Purchase an aftermarket product to make dead horses run faster.
19. Declare the horse is "better, faster, and cheaper" dead.
20. Declare that "This horse was procured with cost as an independent
21. Get the horse a Web site.
22. Promote the horse to a supervisory position.


And you think you are having a bad hair day!
 Click here


Done like you've never seen before. This video from the small Yupiq Eskimo
Village of Quinhagak, Alaska , was a school computer project intended for
the other Yupiq villages in the area. Much to the villagers' shock, over a
half million people have viewed it.
 Click here


I didn't know that women are different from men
 Click here


Back ten centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Muslims had to leave
Jerusalem. Naturally there was a big uproar from the
Muslim community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate
with a member of the Muslim community. If the Muslim won the debate, all
the Muslims could stay. If the Pope won, all the Muslims would have to

The Muslims realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a
champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It
was too risky. But they finally picked their representative, an old Mullah
who unknowingly agreed without knowing what he was getting himself into. He
agreed only on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but
communicate by miming. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. The Mullah and the Pope sat opposite each
other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers. The Mullah looked back at him and raised his middle finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Mullah Nasruddin
pointed to the ground and stamped his foot.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Mullah pulled out an

The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Muslims
can stay.'

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what
happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was
still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He
responded by pointing to the ground and stamping on it,
showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the
wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple,
reminding me of the first sin. He had an answer for everything. What could
I do?"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community had crowded around the Mullah in total
astonishment. "What happened?" they asked. "Well, "said the
Mullah, "First he said to me that we Muslims had three days to leave
Jerusalem. I told him up yours. Then he told me that this whole city would
be cleared of Muslims. I said none of us leaving this land!"

"And then?" asked a woman.

"He took out his lunch and I took out mine," said the Mullah.


I was on a Southwest flight once that was delayed at the gate after
everyone boarded. The flight attendant said over the intercom,

"We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off
your luggage is broken, so we have to do it by hand. We should be finished
and on our way shortly."


Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for
days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of.
No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to
no avail.

Finally, he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said "Look,
young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere till
you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have
eaten will you leave. "

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said, "Ok. I'll eat, but I
have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how
I want it and, second, you'll share with me."

Dr. Gill was ok with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said

Dr. Gill was horrified, but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser.
So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many! Just
one!" yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the
single worm be cut into two and that Dr. Gill eat half.
 Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life and, after he finished
eating half of the worm, he barely managed to keep his cool,
then said, "Ok, now eat!"

Josh refused, sobbing, "No way! You ate MY half!"


An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by
the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There
stood a gorgeous young woman.

"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong

"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But
you're forty years too late."


One summer my son, my friend's daughter, and I were heading home for summer
vacation. It's a five hour road trip.

While travelling, I decided to ask the kids what they would like to be when
they grow up. My son was eight and the little girl was six. They went over
many job ideas, when soon my son came out with, "I'd like to be a baby
sitter when I grow up."

I asked him, "Why a baby sitter?"

To which, he replied, "It's the only job where you get to play, watch T.V.
and nap, and they pay you for it. It's great, Dad!"


A fight broke out between a couple redneck locals and a lone biker at
closing time in the local watering hole. After easily laying out the
drunken hillbillies, the biker heard someone behind him! So he swung around
and landed a devastating kick to the groin,
realizing too late that it was only the barmaid picking up empty glasses.

When the case went to court, the judge asked, "Are you the woman alleging
she was kicked in the altercation?"

To which, she answered, "I ain't never had no altercation! These is all my
'riginal parts."


You have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."
 --Andy Rooney


After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired
by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off
the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to
withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" he asked.

"About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" said Joe. "I've finally got job security!"


Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one
afternoon. "My name is Walters," the caller announced. "About two weeks
ago, my wife got a crazy idea and started walking the street, asking me to
procure customers for her."

"Just a minute," Gladstone protested. "You want Dr. Gladstone the
psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone book. Many people
dial me by mistake."

"No mistake," came the reply. "I want you to invest all the money we're


As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in
many ways to keep me quiet.


A girl goes to the gynaecologist for the first time. She's up in the
stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling. He says,
"You're nervous, aren't you?"

"Yes, it's my first visit to a gynaecologist."

"Would you like me to numb you down there?"

"Oh yes, please."

He sticks his face between her legs and goes, "Num, num, num..."


An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an
infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant
that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to
help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the
patient in the hall as ordered and, after the third day, the nurse told the
doctor how the old man complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon
told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up
and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father.
The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it
was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time.

"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a


A customer moved away from a bank window, counted his change, and then went
back and said to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"

Cashier: "Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don't make corrections
after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now.
That's the policy of this bank!"

Customer: "Well, okay. Just thought you'd like to know you gave me twenty
dollars too much. Bye."


Morris, a professional photographer, was invited to dinner at the Goldblums
and took along a few pictures to show the hostess.

Millie Goldblum looked at his photos and commented, "These are very good!
You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home, he said,
"That was a really delicious meal Millie! You must have some very good


Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a
degree in journalism. His very first assignment, for the newspaper who
hired him, was to write a human interest story. He decided to go into the
Ozark Mountains to do his research.

He found an old farmer's house in an isolated section and introduced
himself to the man. He then asked him, "Has anything ever happened around
here that made you happy?"

The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbour's
sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it
and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young reporter exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else that happened that made you happy?"

"Yep, one time a neighbour's daughter got lost. We all formed a posse &
found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

"Hell, I can't print that either!" cried the frustrated reporter. "Has
anything ever happened that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.

Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once."


A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for manslaughter after
she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her

He grabbed the purse and ran, she had her hand on the gun in it, and was
left with the revolver in her hand.

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he
was running away, she replied under oath:

"Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click!


Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One
asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"

"Two days ago."

"Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an
engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"

"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."

"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"

"He's taking every penny I make."

"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"

"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."

"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"

"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him!


My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.


Paul and I were talking one day when Paul says, "I went to see the doctor
the other day for that pain in my back."

"So what happened?" I asked.

"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told
me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to
pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?"

"Why would he want you to sit to pee?" I asked.

"Well," said Paul, "with my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up
anything too big."


Two worms crawling through the grass. Male worm says to female worm " how
about you and I going back to your place?

Female worm says " ok" they get back to her place and the male worm notices
that she has on a wedding ring.

Male worm says " I'm sorry honey but I don't do this sort of thing with
married worms.

The female worm replies " don't worry, my husband is not coming home.

Male worm says " how do you know that for sure?

Female worm says " he got up early this morning and went fishing!


From 1974 to 1976, a young man in Taiwan wrote 700 love letters to his
girlfriend, trying to talk her into marriage.
He succeeded; she married the mailman who delivered the letters to her.


A stockbroker received notice from the AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE that he
was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all
his financial records. He then sat for hours as the accountant pored over

Finally, the AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE officer looked up and commented,
"You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns
than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."


The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide.

Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a
passageway to the dock far below.

The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top
of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her,

so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to
everyone's relief.

As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and
shouted, "It's okay, Mother. You can come down now."


The Prosecutor stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.

Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting
this man?"

The foreman answered, "Insanity."

The Prosecutor said, "What, All twelve of you?"


A little girl was writing a report on Alaska. Part of her paper read, "In
case of an attack by a bear, you should lie down on the ground and curl
into a ball. This is known as the fatal position."


Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket
testified that a uniformed policeman had given his OK for the man to park

The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the officer if he ever saw
him again and the man replied that he would.

The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the officer again, tell him he
owes you 57 dollars. Next..."


Janet told her son Joey, 6, to go upstairs and get dressed for bed.
Searching desperately for an excuse not to go, he tried, "I'm a boy. I
don't wear dresses."


Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of
lunch, the junior partner slaps his forehead.

"Oh No!" he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

His partner replies, "What are you worried about? We're both here."


DOCTOR: "I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"

PATIENT: "Give me the bad news first."

DOCTOR: "OK. Well, we amputated the wrong leg."

PATIENT: "Oh, my God! What's the good news?"

DOCTOR: "Your other leg won't need to be amputated after all."


A woman and her husband decided to renew our vows in a church, as they had
been married by a Justice of peace. Their oldest daughter
Karla was very excited about attending the wedding and shared it with her
class at school the next day. When her mother picked her up at school that
day, the teacher informed her that Karla had told the class, "My mother and
father renewed their bowels yesterday."


A woman was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned
asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort. "Sorry," he
replied, "but I've been incapacitated."

Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince her to change her mind and

She interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"

The charity representative hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"


A couple years ago, I went to a bar with some friends. Above the bar I
noticed a sign that read: "For Sale. 1985 Henway. Excellent
Condition. Make Offer."

So I asked the bartender, "What's a Henway?"

He said, "Oh, about 2 to 3 kilos."


An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she
bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.

Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her. "Tell
me, Mrs. Rosenwasser, how old are your grandsons?"

Mrs. Rosenwasser gave her a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four
and the lawyer is six."


A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the native quarter and
was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and, sure enough, he saw a
Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.

As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting his congregants.
When our Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, "You a Jew?"

"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.

"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."


My Town Is So Tough...

Hotels ask your name, address and next of kin to register.

Ice-cream trucks play "taps".

Gun shops have "Back to School" sales.

High school newspapers have obituary columns.

Restaurants serve broken leg of lamb.

Most people in bowling alleys bowl overhand.

Schools require a sick note to be co-signed by a parole officer.

Christmas pageants feature the three Wise Guys.

Advice columns provide hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw.

Our 911 emergency service has a two day waiting list.

"Honour students" practice saying, "Yes, your honour" and "No, your

Mothers give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man.

Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects.


A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a
glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I
am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man
asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all
of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different c*ck,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'


The Tug Toner
 Click here


Airport Boredom
 Click here


Wizard of Id................
 Click here


I think it's in hand...
 Click here


16mm Rope from Bunning's [language]
 Click here


A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was
encouraged to bring their children.

All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's four-year-old girl stared at
the man sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. The man checked his tie,
felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but nothing stopped her
from staring at him.

He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.

He asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet
for her response.

The little girl said "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."


On a recent trip to Washington, D.C., my brother-in-law overheard a
patriotic father pointing out a well-known building to his son.
"You see that triangular-shaped octagon over there? That's the Pentagon."


Q: What do you call a ghost's mother and father?
A: Transparents!



Apparently no one considered the sun when designing this wall......
 Click here


When Farm Boys Get Bored
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


Moose Hunt
 Click here


Nothing pushes like a Deere
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
The call to the boss might have gone something like, "Hey boss, you know
that bridge I reckon might be a bit of a worry?"


50 Years of Bad S*x

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the
front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend
a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same
pace. Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane and with a loud and hard
WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his
breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?""

"That's fer fifty years of bad s*x," she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again.
Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until
suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane.

He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was
that fer?"

"That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the


Dumb questions on the Internet
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Idiot with a gun ...
 Click here


 Click here


It was the famous actor Clint Eastwood's birthday last week and to
celebrate a few of his friends got together and organised a sky writer to
put a message above the Hollywood sign. I don't think it worked out the way
they wanted it to......
 Click here


      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!

[ End friday humour ]

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