Friday humour - October 28, 2011

From Gussius @ Bluehaze

The Royal visit to Oz by Queen Elizabeth 11 was this week’s highlight for
Royalists and a lowlight for
Republicans as well as the Occupy Australia anti-greed protestors alike.
NSW put on an early bushfire as a sign of a warm welcome for the Queen.

Choice magazine saw fit to give a ‘Shonky Award’ to the entire insurance
industry for leaving customers “high and dry” after the Queensland and
Victorian floods. Surely that is just what insurers should have done.

Meanwhile, the backwash of the GFC continues with Europe and others in
financial crisis with talk from doomsayers of worse to come. Thankfully our
superannuation funds are just fine with the industry’s theme song altered
slightly to “From big things, little things crumble… then maybe grow.”

Contributors for this week include Allnutts, Anonymous3, Burnout, Johnny
Green, Sack, Stumpy
Steve, Tommo963, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang and the usual


Five Germans:

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian
Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people
in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the German says
unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5

"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea
youarra breaking da law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I
vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with a 2
guys in a Fiat Uno."


Breast check - important message:

 Click here


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh: Where's the gun when you need it?

5 minutes of de-stressing stuff.

 Click here



All that's missing are the rattlers and the cowboys and indians.

This is such an incredible photographic display I had to share it! It's
truly like being right there!!!!
Just click on the links, then click and move your mouse...

Don't get dizzy!!

I wish I could say I took these pictures! Picture #4 is especially stunning
if you tilt up to look @ the sky. Get the full effect of 360 degrees up,
down and around...

This is something special. Isn't Southern Utah beautiful??

360 degree pictures (Panoramic views) . . . Next generation

You can also look straight up and down too. Click on the pictures below and
when they come up,
click again and drag your mouse in any direction and the picture will give
you a 360 degree view ---
Amazing Photography!!!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Back Seat of F-18:

Ride in an F/A 18 Hornet Make sure and click on all 5 excerpts. What a
Ride!!! Make sure your sound is on. This is very good. Be sure to watch all
of the 'scenes' especially 'Scene 2'. You have to click on each photo at
the left to watch the scene.

 Click here


OOOOO that pig:

A farmer wanted to breed from his old sow, so put her in his wheelbarrow to
take her around to his neighbour who had a boar. They let them run together
for a while and then he loaded her up to take her home. "How will I Know if
it has worked", the farmer said to the neighbour. "When you wake up in the
morning, look out of the bedroom window, if she's rolling in the grass you
know it has worked, but if she is wallowing in the mud you know it hasn't."

So the next morning the farmer jumped out of bed and looked out the window,
but was disappointed to see the pig wallowing in the mud. So he loaded her
up in the wheelbarrow again and took her around to his neighbour's and let
her run with his neighbour's boar for a second time. Next morning he jumped
out of bed and looked out of the window, but there the pig was wallowing in
the mud again.

Disappointed, he thought he would give it one last try. So he loaded the
pig into the wheelbarrow and took her around to run with the neighbour's
boar for the third time. In the morning he couldn't bear to look out of the
window, so asked his wife to look out instead. "Is she wallowing in the mud
again?" he asked. "No" said the wife.

"Don't tell me she's rolling in the grass?" he replied. " No" said the
wife. "Well, what is she doing then?" the farmer asked. His wife replied
"sitting in the wheelbarrow!"



After a visit to a brothel, a man notices green lumps on his willy, so he
goes to the doctor. "That's serious" says the doctor.

"You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?" "Yes" says the man
seriously. "Well" says the doctor
"You've got brothel sprouts."


Bring back Tommy Cooper:

1. Two blondes walk into a building.... you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the
hash key'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week............ and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a
look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him

'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17... So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?' I said 'Sure,
you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it...'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or
my older brother Colin, or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several
places' The doctor said,
'Well don't go there anymore'

22.. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.


Bulwer-Lytton contest:

10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in
the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.

9. Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens.

8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for
competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied

7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along the East wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep."

6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back alley s*x-change surgeon to
become the woman he loved.

5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
eking out a living at a local pet store.

4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
often do.

3. Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa
Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of
the word "fear"'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in
the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.


1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat,
crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian
lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You


God's promise:

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would
be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.


Steve Jobs cartoons:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here



A woman asks her husband one morning, "Would you like some bacon and eggs,
a slice of toast,
and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he
says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl
of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."

Come the evening, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off ? I'm starving."


A quickie:

Paddy and Mick come staggering out of the Zoo covered in blood.

Paddy says "Screw that Mick, no more Lion dancing for me."


Steve lived in Manly:

Steve lived in Manly in Sydney and worked across the Harbour in the city.
He had to take the ferry home every night.

One evening, he got down to the wharf and found there was a wait for the
next ferry, so Steve decided to stop at a nearby Pub.

Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the
ferry was several metres from the dock.

Steve, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running
leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. "How did you like that jump
mate?" said a proud Steve to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just
pulling in!"



Game of charades:
The worst place to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. ...
Especially if the people you are playing with, are really bad at guessing.

One day Dan asks his mate Bob, "So Bob what did you get for Christmas?"
Then Bob says to Dan,
"Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?" Dan says, "OOOOH WOW!!!" Bob
says, "Yep, I got the same exact colour tie!"

What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"? "FIRETRUCK"!!! What were you

What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"? ..."POPCORN"!! What were you


The Jackeroo and Bible

The religious Jackeroo lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences
out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The Jackeroo couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of
the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."


The $64,000 Question:

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The
night before the big question,
he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio
and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest
this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know
that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000
dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a c*cky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed
a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you
know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the
question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but
he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he
played it safe.

"I'll try the second part first."

The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second
half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation...

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"



A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have
a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"


A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone
should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready
a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the
headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's
been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it
will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go
sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell
ar*e cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"


Damn he can drive!:

This Bloke is on the street corner spitting and swearing.

A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him there is a Bloke
spitting and swearing.

Sure enough when the cop come up to the Bloke he spits and says, "Damn,
that Bloke can drive a car."

The cop tells him to stop spitting and swearing. And then asks him what the
problem is.

The man again spits and says, "Damn, that Bloke can drive a car."

The cops again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem

The man replies, "I was thumbing a ride when this Bloke stops and picked me
up. He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.

"As we entered town the Bloke slows down to about 120 ks per hour and skids
into an alley where again he picks up speed.

"Right in front of us are two semis parked on either side of the alley with
only 4 feet between them.

"I screamed out 'We are going to die!'

"Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the Bloke,
'If you get us out of this
I will suck your d**k!'"

Again he spits and tells the cop, "Damn, that Bloke can drive a car."



The Law of Common Sense

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Reality

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrifice

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell

When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Motivation

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boob's Law

You always find something in the last place you look.

Wailer's Law

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Law of Probable Dispersal

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteer Labour

People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conway's Law

In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution

Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology

There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkenness

You can't fall off the floor.

Heeler's Law

The first myth of management is that it exists.


Car Theft:

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was
very sick with a fever.
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for
her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the
car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter
what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter
told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been
thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or
other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five
minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who
was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was
desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes,
my daughter is very sick.
I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must
get home to her.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the
car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You
are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison
today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh,
Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"


Existential zingers:

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with

Why do they bother saying "raw" sewage? Do some people cook that stuff?
(George Carlin)

People in hell... where do they tell someone to go? (Red Skelton)

I didn't invent the hypothetical situation, but let's just suppose for a
second that I did. (Auggie

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake nights
wondering if there really is a dog. (unknown)

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said,
"Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours!" He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks
he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy
says, "We would. But we need the eggs." (Woody
Allen ? - at the end of the film "Annie Hall")

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could
drive. (Steven Wright)

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then,
when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was
(Jack Handey)

I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating.
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. (George

I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red
light?" I said, "I don't know...
look around, listen to the radio ..." (Bill Braudis)

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of
dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"
(Gilbert Gottfried)

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all
over the world. (Steven

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any
time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always
half empty. And cracked.
And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
(Janeane Garofalo)

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they
make it easier to do, don't need to be done. (Andy Rooney)

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? (Steven Wright)

Let me ask you something--if someone's lying, are their pants really on
fire? (Jerry Seinfeld)


The Chauffeur:

Julia Gillard is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow walks out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car
comes to a stop.

Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: "You get out and
check - you were driving. "

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You
were driving, go and tell the farmer, " says Julia.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled
with a big grin on his face. 'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Julia.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love
to me.'

'What on earth did you tell them?', asks Julia.

"I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."


My Kind Of Guru:

 Click here


The best of National Georaphic 2011:

It takes a while to view it, but it's worth it!

The music by Mahler is just perfect for this "tour" of the world. WHAT A

 Click here


Drone Pilots:

Welcome to the new world of war.

The University of North Dakota, Grand Forks, graduated its first
controllers this spring. Incredible stuff.

Three of the weapons and guidance system on the drones are products of
Raytheon .... I can tell you all that our drone technology absolutely
scares the cr*p out of the Taliban & Al Qaeda folks.

This is an interesting little video that should be in the hands of our
would-be enemies.

For non-pilots, these controllers are in Nevada and are each flying a drone
thousands of miles away in the combat zone in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Their left hand is on the throttle controlling the drone's engine. Note all
the buttons which perform various tasks without removing the hand from the

The right hand is flying the plane.

Welcome to the new world order. This is modern warfare.

Today's headline: 'Missiles fired from Nevada-controlled drone aircraft
kill Taliban leader'

Watch how it's done. Turn the speakers on & watch in full screen

 Click here


The Pink Elephant:

 Click here


IV Options:

 Click here


The Pope visits NZ:

 Click here Click here

Go the All Blacks!


How To Peel a Head of Garlic in Less Than 10 Seconds + moments in time...

A free kitchen tip!
How To Peel a Head of Garlic in Less Than 10 Seconds

 Click here

moments in time... RARE PHOTOS

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here

RARE PHOTOS... some not funny at all

(some of these are pretty gruesome, so be warned; but VERY interesting!)

Some interesting photos.......... (from Brazil, I suspect!)

The FIRST McDonald's


Sadam Hussein with the noose around the neck

Early construction of Brasilia, capital of Brazil

Papa Pio XII and Hitler

Elvis Presley drafted into the Army

The Beatles before they became famous

Osama Bim Laden Family. Osama is the one with red circle around his face

The Titanic at the bottom of the sea

First photograph in history in France

Construction of Disney world.

Berlin wall being torn down

Evolution of Coca Cola (well, up till 25 years ago anyway J)

John Lennon , signing autograph before his death.

Adolf Hitler as a child (dear little chap.)

Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee

Black physicians treating in the ER a member of the Ku Klux Klan

Copacabana beach in Rio de Janeiro

Construction of Christ The Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro

Albert Einstein in Brazil

Charlie Chaplin and Mahatma Gandhi

First computer ever made

Body of President Kennedy in 1963

Construction of the Empire State Building.

Martin Luther King's cadaver

School grades of Albert Einstein

The Beatles when they were adolescents

Google in 1999, when they started.

The Titanic ship before sailing.

Holocaust done by Hiltler

Jews in concentration camp

John Lennon's cadaver

Lady Diana accident scene

Football player dies while playing

Pope John Paul with the man that tried to kill him.

The moment when Geoge Bush was notified of the attack on the Twin Towers


Lost child:

 Click here

A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in the supermarket. The
store attendant says 'What does your mother look like?' The kid says "I
have no f*cking idea."


Finally, a game show I can like!:

 Click here


Not Abbott not Gillard .... The Potential New Federal Candidate:

 Click here

Potential New Federal Candidate with big insight on climate change /...

I might vote for this guy.....

He seems to have what it takes to run this country


Love the PS at the end:

 Click here

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about
the small accident I had with the 4 by 4 when I turned into the

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry
too much about me.

I was coming home from Tesco and when I turned into the driveway. I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the 4 by 4 fortunately came to a halt
when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart

I am enclosing a photo for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.


P. S. Your girlfriend phoned.


German Technology!

Put some excitement back into the bedroom.

 Click here

Thinking "outside the box!"

 Click here


New sign at Wal-Mart:

 Click here

New sign at Wal-Mart...Our society is doomed...



 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad



 Click here


[ End friday humour ]

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