Friday humour - October 14, 2011
From Burnout @ Bluehaze.
I can't remember the first time I saw the race, the great race, at
It was on a fuzzy B&W screen out the bush somewhere in the sixties. I don't
think the race effects me these days as much as it did then; maybe it was
because I was more excited by new things in those days or perhaps it was
more exciting then because you could go out and buy a version of the
winning car the next day or at least stare at it in the Showroom Window.
Anyhow I saw this on Youtube the other day and found a smile on my face:
Subject: The reason we go to Bathurst....
XY GTHO at Bathurst .....
& this week we lost Steve Jobs.
Subject: Never too soon!
I wonder if Steve jobs is going to sue cancer for patent infringement like
he did to everything else.
Steve Jobs didn't see his life flash before his eyes.
Apple products don't support Flash.
Steve Jobs is just like a Mac. Once a piece malfunctions,
you have to change the whole thing.
Steve Jobs is not dead. He is now obsolete. Watch out for the new improved
Steve Job 3GS this Winter.
Steve Jobs have just died. This will shake Apple to its core
How many Steve Jobs does it take to sync an iPhone?
None. He's dead.
Did you hear about the iPhone 4S? It was so disappointing
Steve Jobs killed himself the day after it was announced.
What did one cancer cell say to the other?
"Hey, why don't we get Jobs?"
How iRonic it was PC that killed him......
So much for an apple a day keeping the doctor away.......
Subject: Brain Study....
Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:
7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR
M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD!
0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15. :)
Subject: Why I Love Beer!
Time for a Beer
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink
this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
H. L. Menchken
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE S*X SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group - Salvation in a can!
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the " Buffalo Theory" to his
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as
fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian,
you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine
against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates <><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx <><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
- Jimmy Durante <><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor <><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine <><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop
- Rodney Dangerfield <><>
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.
- Spike Milligan <><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath <><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
- Bob Hope <><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields <><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
- Will Rogers <><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid
- Winston Churchill <><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller <><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
- Billy Crystal <><>
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but
happiness come through your door.
I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE
DAY IT COULD BE YOU."
So I held onto it, just in case he was right.
A recent study says that weight loss dramatically boosts men's s*xual
So start hitting the gym, ladies.
Subject: Store front in Berlin
Subject: Did you notice who Obama threatened
*And more importantly,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,who he DID NOT threaten!!!*
*Did you notice who Obama threatened ?*
Did you notice who Obama threatened when he wasn't getting his way on
raising the debt ceiling?
He threatened to shut down the government and not pay* *
- Social Security Retirees,
- Military Retirees,
- Social Security Disability
- and Federal Retirees.
*Now.. Let this sink in really good - **
*He did not threaten to stop payments to *illegal aliens*
He did not threaten to take frivolous benefits such as Internet access away
from violent inmates
He did not offer to fire some of the thousands of *unnecessary federal
employees* that he hired
He did not offer to cut down on his or his wife's frivolous gallivanting
He did not threaten to *not pay the senators and representatives* or any of
He did not threaten to take benefits away from *welfare recipients*
He did not threaten the *food stamp programs*
He did not threaten to not pay *foreign aid
He did not threaten to cut back on anything that involves his base voters
The list could go on and on. He is in full political re-election mode!
Why are we allowing this person to destroy this wonderful country with his
selfishness and his lies?
( And his ambition to become a Communist Muslim Dictator of our country? )
His type of change is killing our country. He needs to be stopped and only
our votes can stop him.
Says a lot, doesn't it ? ......
Do not forget about his tactics when it's election time.
From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Unbelievable !
The older we get....
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have
an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nugget s, but I can order six?'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
I was checking out at the local Wal-Martwith just a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of
those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between
our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider',
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
A woman at workwas seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the
Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using
the ATM 'thingy.'
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need
some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
unlocker.. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a
distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't
you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told
her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take
her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells
her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says,
'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is
From: Johnny Green
Subject: Adrenalin Junkie...Cutting It Fine
Eeeeekkk... no thanks.
From: Johnny Green
From: Johnny Green
Subject: Steve Jobs
Ah the hell with it - Everything List too!
Tasteful joke of the month award
Sad news about Steve Jobs ...... too late now I guess but I assume someone
tried switching him off and switching him on again
From: Johnny Green
Subject: Drills a Square Hole
Anyone got a round peg?
From: Johnny Green
Subject: Obama Musical
If you can hack the Seppos. only 2m 22s:
Try this one for a dose of the 21st Century musical genre!!!
Now this is a commercial !!! Make sure you read the intro bfore watching
From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTFUL EMPEROR PENGUINS....!
From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: I've never heard of Gene Simmons but he seems to have raised
morale somewhat WOWWWW !!!
Goose bump City!!
the music is great! This was filmed in Iraq at a USO tour of a US Marine
Base. Play it and spread it to every single person you know... cause you
won't see it on the news.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol
Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she
started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually
get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I
hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two,
or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind
her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if
you know what I mean).. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if
you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing,
and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and
charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her
Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married.
They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft
and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia :
The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care center where
a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole
left side was cut off? He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run
you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts;
in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery
machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory whichClick here
Subject: Eagle fights 3 crows
Kill'em and Eat'em
This came from a gent who runs a 2,000-acre corn farm up around Barron , WI
, not far from Oshkosh . He used to fly F-4Es and F-16s for the Guard, and
participated in the first Gulf War.
I went out to plant corn for a bit, to finish a field before tomorrow
morning and witnessed The Great Battle . A golden eagle -- big, with about
a six-foot wingspan - flew right in front of the tractor. It was being
chased by three crows that were continually dive bombing it and pecking at
it. The crows do this because the eagles rob their nests when they find
At any rate, the eagle banked hard right in one evasive maneuver, then
landed in the field about 100 feet from the tractor. This eagle stood about
3 feet tall. The crows all landed too and took up positions around the
eagle at 120 degrees apart, but kept their distance at about 20 feet from
the big bird. The eagle would take a couple steps towards one of the crows
and they'd hop backwards and forward to keep their distance. Then the
reinforcement showed up.
I happened to spot the eagle's mate hurtling down out of the sky at what
appeared to be approximately Mach 1.5. Just before impact, the eagle on the
ground took flight, (obviously a coordinated tactic; probably pre-briefed)
and the three crows that were watching the grounded eagle also took flight
-- thinking they were going to get in some more pecking on the big bird.
The first crow being targeted by the diving eagle never stood a snowball's
chance in hell. There was a mid-air explosion of black feathers, and that
crow was done.
The diving eagle then banked hard left in what had to be a 9G climbing
turn, using the energy it had acc*mulated in the dive, and hit crow #2 less
than two seconds later. Another crow dead.
The grounded eagle, which was now airborne and had an altitude advantage on
the remaining crow that was streaking eastward on full burner, made a short
dive, then banked hard right when the escaping crow tried to evade the hit.
It didn't work - crow #3 bit the dust at about 20 feet AGL.
This aerial battle was better than any air show I've been to, including the
War Birds show at Oshkosh . The two eagles ripped the crows apart, and ate
them on the ground; and, as I got closer and closer working my way across
the field, I passed within 20 feet of one of them as it ate its catch. It
stopped and looked at me as I went by, and you could see in the look of
that bird that it knew who's Boss of the Sky. What a beautiful bird!
I loved it. Not only did they kill their enemy, they ate them. One of the
best Fighter Pilot stories I've seen in a long time.
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Subject: Japanese Illusionist
Watch this Japanese illusionist/street magician at work.
He's a young guy who disguises himself as an elderly man.
But he is incredible - I don't know how he does the lean - and wait until
the end, never seen anything like it!!
Subject: Lion cub saved by mum
Cliffhanger! Lion cub saved by mum in dramatic scenes caught on camera as
he cries out pitifully for help
Clinging on for dear life to the side of a vertical cliff, the tiny lion
cub cries out pitifully for help.
His mother arrives at the edge of the precipice with three other lionesses
and a male. The females start to clamber down together but turn back
daunted by the sheer drop.
Eventually one single factor determines which of them will risk her life to
save the youngster – motherly love.
The drama begins: The mother arrives at the edge of the cliff as her son
cries out for rescue after being trapped when he slipped
On the brink: Four lionesses look over the edge before aborting their
rescue mission because of the sheer drop
Slowly, agonisingly, the big cat edges her way down towards her terrified
son, using her powerful claws to grip the crumbling cliff side.
One slip from her and both animals could end up dead at the bottom of the
Just as the exhausted cub seems about to fall, his mother circles beneath
him and he is snatched up in her jaws.
She then begins the equally perilous journey back to the top. Minutes
later, they arrive and she gives the frightened creature a consoling lick
on the head.
The dramatic rescue, captured by wildlife photographer Jean-Francois
Largot, was played out in Kenya’s Masai Mara game reserve.
Despite the presence of wardens to deter poachers, day-to-day life for the
lions is not without its dangers … as the cub learned the hard way.
Rescue mission: The mother inches her way down the cliff face to rescue the
terrified cub before locking him in her jaws and making her way back up the
Motherly love: The mother gives her son a lick to say that all is well in
the pride following the drama
From: Johnny Green
Subject: Early Friday Humour: Duelling banjos - How it Came to be + Inside
a car during the Japan Tsunami + One for the pedants from today's SMH.
Oldie but worth a rerun at least once a year! Thanks to the Fussy Bastard
for his donations.
you must watch this read the story first turn your sound on a really good
email for a change. (How rude!)
How it Came to be...This one of my favourite scenes from any movie I have
seen.. (whoever you are)
Wonderful! Be sure to read the story first.
The guy playing the guitar is Ronnie Cox from Portales , New Mexico.
Watch the young man's face not his fingers.
Read this before viewing video...
This is an excerpt of the film "Deliverance".
When the filming group of the movie stopped at a gas station somewhere, one
of the actors started to play a tune of the film on his guitar.
When a boy who was watching (an autistic) heard the music, he started to
respond with notes from his banjo. They started an incredible dialogue of
instruments and the autistic boy expressed himself in probably the only
form in which he was prepared to communicate.
This is how this remarkable scene, that was included in the movie, was
developed and filmed. Look at the expression of the boy. At first, he seems
uncertain and waiting but as the intensity of the music progressed, his
lost expression was gone and an expression of pleasure and happiness was
recovered; thanks to this guitar player who happened to pass by.
After this magic moment passed, the boy returned into himself leaving this
part of his externalized beauty in the film. This truly was a memorable
part of the movie. I never knew it was true.
This scene was not a part of the script until the camera man happened to
catch it on film...The family was well paid; and beat poverty by accident.
Watch the little boy especially at the end...
Well I think the story is rubbish but someone will check it out for me -
source: Click here
But goddam I lurrrrve that toon!
Just what the hell WOULD you do at the start of this? Jump out like the guy
Soon becomes too late to run into a building and climb some stairs. helluva
way to go - pretty arresting footage.
Inside a car during the Japan Tsunami
Truly incredible footage.....u r (bloody textspeak!) you are unlikely to
get see another in your lifetime.......
This is absolutely incredible footage if you have a few minutes. (four and
Yu Muroga was doing his job making deliveries when the 11 March 2011
earthquake hit in Japan . Unaware, like many people in the area, of how far
inland the Tsunami would travel, he continued to drive and do his job. The
HD camera mounted on his dashboard captured not only the earthquake, but
also the moment he and several other drivers were suddenly engulfed in the
Tsunami. He escaped from the vehicle seconds before it was crushed by other
debris and sunk underwater. His car and the camera have only recently been
recovered by the police. The camera was heavily damaged but a video expert
was able to retrieve this footage.
From: Johnny Green
Subject: How Tequila Works
From: Johnny Green
Subject: Viral but still worth a look
LG ADVERTISING ON BERLIBUILDING
From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: just a bit of fun
Subject: Absolutely Brilliant
Anything is Possible - this bloke proves it.
Subject: It's just paper
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here
By paper artist Calvin Nicholls.
There is nothing simple or ordinary about his paper art.
Where we would simply use a piece of paper and a pair of scissors, Calvin
uses everything you could possibly think of to carve, cut and rip perfect
details onto his creations.
The motifs are all wildlife, and that must be one of the hardest categories
of things to make with paper since there are sometimes impossible details
These details are amazing, and I can't even fathom the time it must have
taken to create these masterpieces of art.
Subject: FW: New Tow Truck.
I'm sure the REPO guys are all over this baby !!
Talk about quick - your vehicle is gone in seconds.
The tow truck driver doesn't even get out of the truck.
Subject: Deer Hunter--
Subject: The Abbo and The Gay Man!
It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted
local pub in Mt. Isa was an Abbo.
He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously
gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the Abbo and
whispered, "Do you want a bl*w job?"
The Abbo leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool
and smacked the sh*t out of him.
He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car
park and returned to his seat at the bar.
Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over
another beer to the Abbo and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as
What did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure brudda," the Abbo replied, "But it was something about a
Quote of the Week:
Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to
be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only
way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet,
keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know
when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and
better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die
to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has
ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely
the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out
the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not
too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away.
Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true."
- Steve Jobs
[ End friday humour ]
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