Friday humour - October 07, 2011

Sad news about Steve Jobs. Regardless if you are an Mac person or a PC
person, or really don't care, Steve Jobs' Apple has made as big an impact
on the world today as Microsoft or IBM. His like may never be seen again,
if the all pervasive corporate homogeniser continues to have its way.
Thanks Steve ... Click here

This weeks concise collection brought to you courtesy of Burnout,
Cartographer Chris, Digi Steve, Diks, Johnny Green, Mitta,
Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Whizzbang, and the ever present Anonymi. Enjoy!

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Socially Unacceptable Humour

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my
leg."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change
dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would
like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day. I lost by
one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly
found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping centre, but I've
been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools.

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I
know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said
to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room
is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick
bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help
towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden
hose only reaches the driveway.

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Flu shot ingredients
 Click here

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The wife suggested I get myself one of those d*ck enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and
I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Australia? 17% said yes; 11%
said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question,
please."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having s*x with me
because she can't afford batteries!

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Rules of Rugby...
 Click here

[Go the Wallabies - Ed.]

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The power of Beer...
 Click here

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Wife was having an affair

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning
to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I
converted to Islam and we're stoning the slag in the morning!

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A traffic cop pulled a farmer over for speeding.
The farmer pleaded that he wasn't much over the speed limit.
But the cop continued to slowly write out the ticket...
He brushed a fly off his face.
The farmer said, "That sirkelgogga bothering you?"
The cop said, "What's a sirkelgogga?"
The farmer said, "That fly - they circle a horse's ar*e and we call them
sirkelgoggas."
The cop stopped writing, looked at the farmer, and said, "Are you saying
that I'm a horse's ass?"
The farmer said, "Never! I have a great respect for officers of the law.
I would never think such a thing of one of you blokes"
The cop carried on writing.
After a while the farmer said, "But you can't fool them flies you know"

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Budgie broke his leg

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple
of Swan Vesta matches ... his little face lit up when he tried to walk.

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Cultural Differences Explained

 Aussies:  Believe you should look out for your mates.
    Brits:  Believe that you should look out for those
            people who belong to your club.
Americans:  Believe that people should look out for
            and take care of themselves.
Canadians:  Believe that that's the government's job.

  Aussies:  Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians:  Are rather indignant about being mistaken
            for Americans when abroad.
Americans:  Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
    Brits:  Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

  Aussies:  Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans:  Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and
            obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians:  Can't agree on the words to their anthem,
            when they can be bothered to sing them.
    Brits:  Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band
            to perform the anthem.

Americans:  Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians:  Don't, but only because they can't get more
            American channels.
    Brits:  Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
  Aussies:  Export all their cr*ppy programs, which no one
            there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans:  Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
    Brits:  Love to watch sports in stadiums so they
            can fight with other fans.
Canadians:  Prefer to actually engage in sports rather
            than watch them.

Americans:  Will jabber on incessantly about football,
            baseball and basketball.
    Brits:  Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer
            and rugby.
Canadians:  Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey,
            hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice,
            playing baseball.
  Aussies:  Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat
            the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Americans:  Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
    Brits:  Pronounce their words differently, but still call
            it "English."
Canadians:  Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
  Aussies:  Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to
            everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

    Brits:  Shop at home and have goods imported because
            they live on an island.
  Aussies:  Shop at home and have goods imported because
            they live on an island.
Americans:  Cross the southern border for cheap shopping,
            gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians:  Cross the southern border for cheap shopping,
            gas and liquor in a backwards country.

Americans:  Drink weak, p*ssy-tasting beer.
Canadians:  Drink strong, p*ssy-tasting beer.
    Brits:  Drink warm, beery-tasting p*ss.
  Aussies:  Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans:  Seem to think that poverty and failure are
            morally suspect.
Canadians:  Seem to believe that wealth and success are
            morally suspect.
    Brits:  Seem to believe that wealth, poverty,
            success and failure are inherited things.
  Aussies:  Seem to think that none of this matters after
            several beers.

Canadians:  Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways
            and avoid assimilation.
Americans:  Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and
            dump their old ways.
    Brits:  Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.

Canadians:  Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
    Brits:  Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and
            are proud of it.
Americans:  Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
  Aussies:  Don't understand what inclement weather means.

  Aussies:  Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and
            Yahoo Serious.
Canadians:  Have produced many great comedians, like John
            Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and
            all the rest at SCTV.
Americans:  Think that these people are American!
    Brits:  Have produced many great comedians, but Americans
            ignore them because they don't understand subtle
            humour.

    Brits:  Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments
            of their past  citizens.
Americans:  Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments
            of their present citizens.
Canadians:  Prattle on about how some of those great Americans
            were once Canadian.

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An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar
enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw
the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun
on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S.
of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot
the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the
bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was
cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the
American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian
that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the
same one twice.

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It's The Law.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to
the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know
increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen
with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose
seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones
who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the
toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is
over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long
gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and
cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what
you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a
product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the
doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better..
But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

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Here's Your Sign
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Mother Goose for Seniors.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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A son asked his mother the following question : ' Mom, why are wedding
dresses white? '

The mother looks at her son and replies : ' Son, this shows your friends
and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. '
Dad why are wedding dresses white? '

The father looks at his son in surprise and says : 'Son, all household
appliances come in white.'

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How smart is a crow??
 Click here

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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Why European Candid Camera is Better!
 Click here

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Are you the manager?
 Click here

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Says it all really ...
 Click here

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Happy Golfing
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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World's Shortest Job Interview
 Click here

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From the pen of Larry Pickering...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Lassie
 Click here

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East German? [Warning - Quite XXX - but remarkable!]
 Click here

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How Tequila Works
 Click here

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Electrifying porking!
 Click here

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Inbred cat
 Click here

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Great hunting dog!!
 Click here

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Good old British postcards!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF t-shirt.

The friend asks: 'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday T-shirt on
Monday?'

'Oh cr*p!' says the blonde ... 'I didn't realise it was a religious T-shirt
... I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.'
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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