Friday humour - September 30, 2011

From Burnout @ Bluehaze.

Anonymous has sent through some sketches from the old Jonny Carson Show &
the Carroll Burnett Show, these are hilarious and reminders of the
abilities of the old style vaudevillians.


From: Anonymous
Subject: These clips made my day!!!!
They don't make them like they used to!!!

THESE THREE CLIPS HAVE TO BE THE FUNNIEST EVER SEEN AND THIS KIND OF TALENT
MAY NOT BE SEEN AGAIN.


 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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 From: Anonymous
Subject: Awesome K9

Check out this very cool dog


 Click here


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: One to make us stop and think....


This is powerful and compelling.  Best I’ve seen in a while

A 15 year old girl made this.


This puts to shame the output of a number of Hollywood producers and/or
directors.  All I can say is WOW!!
This film was made by a 15 year old girl, Lizzie Palmer, who put this
YouTube program together.  There have been over 3,000,000 hits as of this
morning.  In case you missed it, here it is.


Watch all of it.......and, pass it on!!

 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: Eagle Owl Flies at Camera in slo-mo


This is awesome.  Watch on full screen.  Only takes a few seconds.
Click on link below. Eagle Owl coming in for the kill  -- right at the
camera.
Interesting to watch the corrections in the flight path as the bird comes
in.


 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: New dentures


A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only
Eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk
for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk
for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in
by mistake and he couldn't shut up...


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From: Anonymous
Subject: The Aurora borealis - photos from the Arctic

 Click here


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From: Arfermo
Subject: Human glider

Fancy this trip on your next holiday?

 Click here


Crazy yank!!!

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From: Burnout
Subject: The wife

John is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
There are two Police standing there; he asks if there is a problem.
One of the coppers asks if he is married, and if so, can they see a picture
of his wife.
John says, "Sure", and shows him a picture of his wife.
The copper says, "I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by
a truck."
John says, "I know,...... but she's an excellent cook, and lets me play
golf whenever I want."


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From: Diks
Subject: Toilet Humor

 Click here


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From: Diks
Subject: A Pittsburgh Story

You need to be from the Pittsburgh  area  to appreciate this story.

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman
president, who happens to be from Pittsburgh. A few days after the election
the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her Father and says, 'So,
Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's an 18 hour drive."

'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will
pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

Oh Dad," replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown
custom-made by the best designer in Washington ..'

'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat.' Do
they serve tap beer ????

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be
handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt
free. You and mom just have to be there.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in
as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new
president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans
over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the
Bible, becoming President of the United States.'

The Senator whispers back, 'You bet I do.'

Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football for the Steelers."


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From: Johnny Green
Subject: =?iso-8859-1?Q?D=E9j=E0_vu_all_over_again_once_more_dear_friends?=

Despite lying low since returning to our fair shores a fortnight ago and
pretending to be a Kiwi, I have been nagged by a few who want Humour emails
to be resumed.


Time for a check on whether people are alive again, as I rarely hear from
some ether folk and indeed, you may well have left the mortal coil.


I shall resume to issue what I perceive to be new(ish), humorous (to me),
reasonably inoffensive (mostly) jokes to either of 2 lists - an Everyday
list (everything I deem worth sending) or a Friday Only list, which is
fewer and hopefully the most selective; note, it might occasionally creep
away from Fridays at the risk of being scooped elsewhere. Please nominate
to which of these you would care to re-subscribe.


There are also lists for Car Enthusiasts, Fussy Bastards (restricted to one
person!), Golfers, Gruesome Stuff, Meccano Set Tragics, Politically
Incorrect (not for those who insist on defending the useless). I pretty
much know what you like – mostly (refer mortal coil above); please advise
if you have been in the past &/or particularly want to be included in any
of these.


Finally there are the (probably diminishing) Rugby Tragics; this is a
Serious List for those who know they are on It. I shall issue a separate
email for that list, as it is quite large.


If I don't hear from you at all, consider yourself spared from this tedium
and get on with your important life.


Carry on then.


Cheers


JK


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From: Sack
Subject: Did Your Mom Have a Clothesline?


You have to be a certain age to appreciate this.

THE BASIC RULES FOR CLOTHESLINES: My mother thought these rules came
straight from God.

(If you don't know what clotheslines are, better skip this.)

1. You had to wash the clothes line before hanging any clothes--walk the
Entire lengths of each line with a damp cloth around the lines.

2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order, and always hang "whites"
With "whites," and hang them first.

3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders, always by the tail! What would
The neighbours think?

4. Wash day on a Monday! . .. . Never hang clothes on the Weekend, or
Sunday, for Heaven's sake!

5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your
"unmentionables" in the middle (perverts & busybodies, y'know!).

6. It didn't matter if it was sub zero weather....clothes would
"freeze-dry."

7. Always gather the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes! Pins left
On the lines were "tacky!"

8. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item
Did not need two clothes pins, but shared one of the clothes pins with the
Next washed item.

9. Clothes off of the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes
Basket, and ready to be ironed.

10. IRONED? Well, that's a whole other subject!


A CLOTHESLINE POEM

A clothesline was a news forecast
To neighbours passing by,
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.

It also was a friendly link
For neighbours always knew,
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.

For then you'd see the "fancy sheets"
And towels upon the line;
You'd see the "company table cloths"
With intricate designs.

The line announced a baby's birth
From folks who lived inside -
As brand new infant clothes were hung,
So carefully with pride!

The ages of the children could
So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed,
You'd know how much they'd grown!

It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.

It also said, "Gone on vacation now"
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged, with not an inch to spare!

New folks in town were scorned upon
If wash was dingy and gray,
As neighbours carefully raised their brows,
And looked the other way.

But clotheslines now are of the past,
For dryers make work much less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess!

I really miss that way of life. It was a friendly sign.

When neighbours knew each other best by what hung on the line.

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From: Sack
Subject: Music Styles

JAZZ: Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.

BLUES: Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.

WORLD MUSIC: Dozen different types of percussion all going at once.

OPERA: People singing when they should be talking.

RAP: People talking when they should be singing.

CLASSICAL: Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.

FOLK: Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.

BIG BAND: 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.


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From: Sack
Subject: FW: Mississippi Squirrel Revival

G'day folks
If you go to the trouble of clicking below  you'll enjoy a funny song


This is the first time I've seen a video with the song...

 Click here


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 From: Sack
Subject: ** Yellow 24 **

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,
you have "Yellow 24", a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually
only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments
on earth.,

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's
never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and
wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320

Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners,
a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.

'Wow,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Take A Ride On A U-2 Spy Plane!

If you have not seen this before I think you may like it!!


From watching this video, you can see why the U-2 is considered the most
difficult aircraft in the world to fly. Each pilot has a co-pilot, who
chases the aircraft on the runway in a sports car. Most of the cars are
either Pontiac GTOs or Chevrolet Cameros - the Air Force buys American. 
The chase cars talk the pilot down as he lands on bicycle-style landing
gear.
In that spacesuit, the pilot in the plane simply cannot get a good view of
the runway.


Upon takeoff, the wings on this aircraft, which extend 103 feet from tip to
tip, literally flap. To stabilize the wings on the runway, two pogo sticks
on wheels prop up the ends of the wings.  As the aircraft flies away, the
pogo sticks drop off.  The aircraft climbs at an amazing rate of nearly
10,000 feet a minute.  Within about four minutes,  I was at 40,000 feet,
higher than any commercial airplane. We kept going up to 13 miles above
Earth's surface.  You get an incredible sensation up there. As you look out
the windows, it feels like you're floating, it feels like you're not
moving,
but you're actually going 500 mph.

The U-2 was built to go higher than any other aircraft. In fact today, more
than 50 years since it went into production, the U-2 flies higher than any
aircraft in the world with the exception of the space shuttle.  It is
flying more missions and longer missions than ever before - nearly 70
missions a month over Iraq and Afghanistan, an operational tempo that is
unequaled in history.  The pilots fly for 11 hours at a time, sometimes
more than 11 hours up there alone.  By flying so high, the U-2 has the
capability of doing reconnaissance  over a country without actually
violating its airspace.

 It can look off to the side, peering 300 miles or more inside a country
without actually flying over it.  It can "see" in the dark and through
clouds.  It can also "hear," intercepting conversations 14 miles below. 
The U-2, an incredible piece of history and also a current piece of  high
technology, is at the center of  the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Enjoy
the ride! Lockheed U-2  Take A Ride in a Spy Plane, Click the link  below.
Go to the lower right corner of the screen and click the icon immediately
to the left of the volume control to bring up the  full screen.


 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: lesbionics (XX - ED)


We have developed a new type of humour called "Lesbionics"


1.  What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

2.  What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A  Klond*ke.

3.  What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4.  Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5.  What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

6.  What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

7.  What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

8.  Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

9.  How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.


12. How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, two to organize the potluck and one to write a folk
song about the empowering experience.


13. Have you heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called "D*kee"?
It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it off!


14. What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
Single.


15. What's the new politically correct name for a lesbian?
A vagitarian.


16. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

17. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 government workers?
100 people that don't do d*ck.


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From: Allnutts
Subject: QUE LOS ANIMALES NO PIENSAN...?

 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: How the human mind works


A practical example of how the human mind works


In the picture below, we will analyze what it represents to some groups of
people.

Read the review after the photo...
- For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this
as an ass crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.
- For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the
street.
- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.
- The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the
face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.
- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left
home dressed that way.
- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.
- The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at 50.
- Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the
taxi..

Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either.

 Click here


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: A MEANINGFUL YARD SIGN


Ralph, my neighbor, is a "lefty" of sorts

(Obama bumper stickers, gung-ho socialized medicine, "guns should be
banned", etc.)..

So last week I put this sign up in my yard after one of his anti-gun rants
at a neighborhood c*cktail party.  The sign wasn't up more than an hour
before he called the police and wanted them to make me take down the sign.

Fortunately, the officer politely informed him that it was not their job to
take such action without a court order and that he had to file a complaint
"downtown" first, which would be reviewed by the city attorney to see if it
violated any city, county, or state ordinances,
which if there were a violation, a court order would be sent to the
offending party (me) to "remove the sign in seven days".

After several weeks he was informed that the sign was legal (by a quarter
of an inch) and there was nothing the city could do, which obviously made
him madder.  I tried to smooth things over by inviting him to go shooting
with me and my friends at the hunt club but that seemed to make him even
more angry.

I then asked him if he wanted to go to a Tea Party rally but again he
declined my outreach efforts to bring about a better understanding between
political and social opponents.

I am at a loss how to reconcile our long relationship (notice I did not say
friendship), any suggestions would be welcome.

Anyway, that's life in our neck of the woods, how's about yours?

 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: Powerful Peeing Boy Prank

This is funny. Check out the facial expressions of the people in the park.


 Click here


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Sign in Hot Springs, Arkansas

 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: Fish that looks like a Dr. Who villain

 Click here


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Jet-propelled

 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: Cancelled

 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: Sign humor

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Corn Maze for Blondes

 Click here


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From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Subject:   Unseen riot photos

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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From: Burnout
Subject: Motivated females  (XX-ED)

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: True hunting story

 Click here


My faith in internet stories has been restored.
Finally, some honesty in big buck hunting stories ...


Here's a picture of the new world record whitetail buck.

It was taken by the cousin of a co-worker's sister's, uncle's, best
friend's, son-in-law's, niece's hairdresser's, neighbor's ex-boyfriend's
oldest nephew. Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by B&C standard and was
shot in West Texas on a really windy day, 85 degrees downhill, around a
curve at 900 yards with a .22 cal. rifle.

Supposedly, this deer had killed a Brahma bull, two Land Rovers, and six
Jehovah's Witnesses in the last two weeks alone. They said it was winning a
fight with Bigfoot when it was shot. It has also been confirmed that the
buck had been seen drinking discharge water from a nuclear power plant.

All this has been checked and confirmed on Snopes.

Really. Honest!!!

Sincerely,

*Barack H. Obama*

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From: Diks
Subject: B*OBS *** RATED "G"!!!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


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From: Sack
Subject: WaterPower MUST SEE THIS - If you don't look at anything else
today look at this

If this actually goes into common use, water will probably cost $5.00 a
gallon....

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: A real biker dude after a few beers (slabs)

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Whales  It`s tough working at Dally Bay

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: African lion est

 Click here


A BIT ROUGH........


 African lion

A bit of political humor


... Taken with an iPhone on Rt. 101 in Thousand Oaks, California

this week.


Picture of the year!


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Post-it war between two French companies


Some people have way too much time on their hands, but it's pretty cool
what they can do

POST-IT WAR IN FRANCE!
Post-It Battle of the Day: Employees of Ubisoft Montreuil, located just
outside of Paris, decided to decorate their windows with
Post-It note pixel art.


Across the street, the folks at BNP Bank saw Ubisoft’s (mostly
game-themed) art and decided to one-up it with some creations of their own.

Challenge accepted. Before long, the windows of both buildings were covered
in sticky notes.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Just when it seemed like Ubisoft Montreuil had won the French Post-It War
with their three-story Ezio from Assassin’s Creed, a new challenger
appears.

 Click here

Société Générale Bank has trumped both Ubisoft and their rivals at BNP
Bank with this 11,000-note creation.

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: The beach

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


There are worse things than oil on the beach.
Guess they can't be at Wal-Mart all the time!


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Quote of the Week:

I don't believe in war as a solution to any kind of conflict, nor do I
believe in heroism on the battlefield because I have never seen any.

- Thor Heyerdahl



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[ End friday humour ]

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