Friday humour - September 23, 2011

KEEP THE GRAY MATTER ACTIVE


There are only 11 of these.  See how you do!


1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The
second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall
and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the
world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by
four feet?
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the
summer. How is this possible?
7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
Why not?
8. What was the President's Name in 1975?
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what
place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk
of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other
field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another
field?


Here are the Answers

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The
second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall,
and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the
world?

Answer: Mt. Everest ; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good
at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by
four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the
summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to
take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama  [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what
place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place,
not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk
of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow  [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other
field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another
field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big
stack.

You can go back to sleep now ...

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Modern Day Cattle Drive
speakers on - Rawhide plays while....well, you'll see
 Click here

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From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old
clothing. I said Yes but what would I get in return.

She said I could play with her breasts.

I thought.That's Fair..Tit for Tat.

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I'm in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I
would like to do most with her body.

Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.

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Why men shouldn't be Agony aunts.

Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled
and wouldn't start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old
babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me.I'm desperate.

Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt
in the fuel lines. Hope this helps.
Phil.

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After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough..once she killed herself
I started to feel a lot better. So I thought.Sod it..soldier on.

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Just said to the missus."Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day"
She said "Don't get f*cking lippy"
I said "Mascara it is then!"


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I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing!.

I panicked. I didn't know what to do.......Then I remembered Wetherspoons
serve breakfast until 11.30.

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Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says "Can we have the light switched off?"
She said "Why? Do you find me repulsive?"

He said " No..it's burning my ar*e".

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You won't hear from me for a while mate.

Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables....I gotta lilo.

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News just in..There's a female ref for the United v City match. The kick
off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

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Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says
on the envelope DO NO BEND. He's still wondering how to pick it up!
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From: Kaos_reflex
Best Rugby Moment

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes
on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass
figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see
she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken
a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and
sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and
took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and
down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. ..
'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never
felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to
play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a
crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get
up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of
her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her
pert,
perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS
good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we
were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The
Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught
it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off
a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over
their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with
about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but
I had a simple kick at goal to win the match
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed,
pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her
skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she
was wet !

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a
perfect c*nt?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'


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From: Sack
Moving a Barn.....The Nebraska Way!


First, an explanation . . .

News report from Bruno, NE. In 1981, Herman Ostry and his wife, Donna,
bought a farm a half mile outside of Bruno, Nebraska, a small community
sixty miles west of Omaha.

The property had a creek and came with a barn built in the 1920's. The barn
floor was always wet and muddy. When the creek flooded in 1988, the barn
ended up with 29 inches of water covering the floor. That was the last
straw. Ostry needed to move it to higher ground.

He contacted a building moving company and was discouraged by the bid. One
night around the table, Ostry commented that if they had enough people they
could pick the barn up and move it to higher ground... Everyone laughed.

A few days later, Ostry's son Mike showed his father some calculations. He
had counted the individual boards and timbers in the barn and estimated
that the barn weighed approximately 6,640 pounds. He also estimated that a
steel grid needed to move the barn would add another 3,150 pounds, bringing
the total weight to just under 10 tons. He figured it would take around 350
people with each person lifting 56 lbs to move the barn.

The town of Bruno, Nebraska was planning its centennial celebration in late
July of 1988. Herman and Mike presented their barn moving idea to the
committee. The committee decided to make it part of their celebration.

So, on July 30, 1988, shortly before 11 a.m., a quick test lift was
successfully made. Then, as local television cameras and 4,000 people from
eleven states watched, 350 people moved the barn 115 feet south and 6 feet
higher up a gentle slope and set it on its new foundation.

The reason most people think that something cannot be done is because they
know that they can't do it by themselves. But impossible things can be done
if we join together in the task. Working together, we can not only move
barns, but we can change the world!

 Click here


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 From: Sack
I really thought I was right!
Health & Safety Test


I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you
take?"
"Big ones" was apparently the wrong answer!

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From: Stumpy Steve

a muslim man has died during his first ever parachuting jump. sources at
the
BNP funded skydiving centre commented "we don't know what went wrong, but
his snorkels and flipper both failed to open".


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From: The Great Gussius
Oh school days!
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a wank.I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before
you're banned from teaching altogether."


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From: Anonymous
Why college takes at least 5 years
 Click here

From: Anonymous
The Texas Drought of 2011
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Walmart Santa
 Click here
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From: Anonymous3
 Sign   Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!

 Click here


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From: Anonymous3
End of day
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
A DAY AT THE BEACH IN CHINA.....holy cow!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Great Cars, Great Stars of the past.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
Great Cars, Great Stars of the past.
Rita Hayworth 1941 Lincoln Continental
Clark Gable 1934 Ford V-8 Roadster
Clark Gable 1934 Duesenberg
Marlene Dietrich 1936 Cadillac
Errol Flynn 1935 Auburn Speedster
Joan Crawford 1934 Ford Roadster
Crawford 1938
Jean Harlow 1934 Cadillac Split Limo
Johnny Weismuller 1932 Chevrolet Speedster
Dean Martin 1957 Stutz Blackhawk

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From: Burnout
The All Black Bra
 Click here


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Brazilian Bed Advertisements

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


  DID YOU SEE ANY BEDS?
  How many were single and how many were double?

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From: Sack
Today's life lesson
 Click here

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but p*ssing everyone off
is a piece of cake.

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From: Sack
Top Images For 2010
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Homemade Breast Implants (hilarious!!)
 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Accident
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Planking - I don't see a problem with it!!!!  [XXX]
 Click here
Now this is how to Plank!

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From: Whizzbang
Amazing Trees...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Growing these trees has taken years and lots & lots of patience!


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[ End friday humour ]

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