Friday humour - September 09, 2011

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

There is not much funny about this week coming, especially Sunday, and
especially in the US, so here is some Friday Fare to lighten the load.

These compact selected offerings come courtesy of Arfermo, Burnout, KRP,
Muse, Sack, Tommo963, Whizzbang, and the ever present set of contributors
who don't want to be identified, even by an alias.

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How crazy is that??
 Click here

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HumVee Submarines
 Click here

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This girl has no fear, no safety net, and no mountain climbing gear.
 Click here

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"I think if they named all the hurricanes after men, they probably would
never make it past the Virgin Islands..."

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Waiting In Line

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer
for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.

-- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely
idle. there's so much to learn!

- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.

- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on
my list I forgot.

- I can be one of those annoying mobile phone users and catch up on all my
phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and
Auntie Anne.

- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.

- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new
dinner ideas.

- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying
time.

- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.

- I can update my coupon organiser and leave the trash in the
we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.

- I can practice my stand-up comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow
customers.

- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric
muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're
doing.

- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat,
Splenda-saturated cookies.

- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for
dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late
afternoon sun as I normally do.

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[We haven't seen this one for 6 years, so its worth a rerun - Ed.]

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual
contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common
words. Here are some of the selected results.

-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

-- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

-- Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

-- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

-- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

-- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

-- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.

-- Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

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[This set is even older. We haven't seen them for 8 years - Ed.]

Shredded Similes, Mutilated Metaphors.

For your entertainment, actual similes and metaphors found by high school
English teachers from across the country in their student's essays.

- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.

- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it.

- She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. - He was as tall as a
six-foot, three-inch tree.

- The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.

- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

- Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for
a while.

- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a
real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power
tools.

- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

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Slow, Really Slow...

A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job.
After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local
zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his
reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.

Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found
him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open.

"Where are the tortoises?" he asked.

"I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and
whooooosh, they were gone!"

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Here is one happy dog...
 Click here

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Made in China, sorry, built in China.
 Click here

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Hot Rod Dentist's Office
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Kids & Pets
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Sign humour
 Click here

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Fanbelt change
 Click here

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QANTAS
 Click here

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P*ssed off ...
 Click here

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Police Officer in the UK

Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an
Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
First - Lets pose the following question:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks
eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have
only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab
and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he
falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he
have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss
of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!

AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
'click'....
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)

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Me and my ATV ...
 Click here

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A Sign for us !!!
 Click here

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Oh autocorrect ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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[This one popped up 4 years ago - but its too funny to leave out - Ed.]

The Talking Clock

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of
friends late one night, a drunk Kiwi led the way to his bedroom where there
was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped
back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded
silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*&k's sake, you stupid Kiwi pr*ck. It's ten past three in the f*&^%#g
morning!!!'

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First Super Bus Received in Dubai for Travelling from Dubai to Abu Dhabi -
Speed 250 Km/hr!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Technical specifications:
Power train - Electric motors powered by lithium polymer battery pack and
regenerative braking
Power output - 300 kW, peak at 600 kW for 1 minute
Driving range - 210 km
Acceleration - 0-100 km/h 0.1g in comfort mode
Braking - 250-0 km/h in less than 200m
Cruising speed - 250 km/h (155 mph)
Length - 15m (49.21 ft)
Width - 2.5m (8.20 ft)
Height - 1.6m (5.41 ft)
Weight - 9,500 kg fully loaded
Weight distribution - 34/66
Torsional stiffness - 30000 Nm/deg
Suspension - Air springs and frequency selective dampers system with
lifting subframe in aluminium
Ride height range - 330 mm (70mm to 400mm)
Chassis frame - Carbon fibber
Bodywork - IXIS Thermoplastic reinforced fibreglass
Glazing - Lexan Polycarbonate
Driving mode - Driver assisted control on existing roads, autopilot on
Supertrack
Equipped with - Seat belts, airbags, TV, internet, air-conditioning,
heating, etc
Provided with - Navigation system, obstacle detection, communication
system, fail safe system and control system

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Funnies ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Graphics of the week
 Click here

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Commercial for men
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!



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[ End friday humour ]

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