Friday humour - September 02, 2011

From Gussius @ Bluehaze

It's interesting in a funny way, that politicians and commentators all over
the world claim to be truthful and say that their opposites are not. Voters
seem to know the difference, but elect them anyway.

In Australia the leader of the feral opposition in an attempt to gain
power, is supposed to have offered anything 'except my ar*e' for support by
a minority party. It seems that the offer wasn't accepted apparently
because our female Prime Minister offered a better opening for the nice
young man.

Meanwhile closer to my own home, I may have grounds for divorce or possibly
treason charges. My lovely partner has taught my new parrot to whistle the
Collingwood Football Club theme song.
Sacrilege. It drives me crazy, but it's a little amusing to note that I
have a c*ckerteil who thinks he is a magpie, has no teeth, is a real bird
brain and sings "good old collingwood forever".

Enjoy this weeks contributions from Anonymous3, Kaos_reflex, Tommo963, 
Whizzbang, Allnutts,
Arfermo, Biggus, Burnout, Diks, Sack, Tommo963 and the eternal Anonymous.


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Funny comedian!:

 Click here

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Short Letter:

Dear optimists and pessimists, While you were all arguing over the glass
being half full or half empty, I drank it. Sincerely, An opportunist

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Paper sculptures:

The artist who is a cut above the rest (using nothing but paper for his
sculptures)

These amazing pictures are the sculptures of artist and animal enthusiast
Calvin Nicholls, who using nothing but sheets of A4 brings to life many
exotic creatures including lions, pandas and zebras as part of his paper
zoo collection.

Each piece takes around four weeks to produce and in some cases have taken
up to two years with
Nicholl demanding up to £16,000 for his art.

Strikingly realistic and intricately observed, his collection in total
amasses over 75 pieces and is on display at the Follett Library near
Chicago, Illinois.

Birds fly together: A pair of Mallard ducks captured in flight
 Click here

Birds fly together: A pair of Mallard ducks captured in flight

Nicholls revealed the preparation that goes into each sculpture, insisting:
'In the case of an animal over a dozen drawings are done to get the
musculoskeletal features correct.

'This determines the shapes of the body form or underlying structure, these
form pieces are cut from heavy paper and shaped and glued together with
scalpels, foam and leather cutting tools.

'Detail drawings are done of the entire subject and followed closely as the
individual paper components are cut, textured and glued in place.

A mother zebra and it's infant
 Click here

Panda eating bamboo leaves
 Click here

Young and old: An fully grown Zebra and it's infant relax while a Panda
eats through bamboo leaves

Using lighting shadows to create the feeling of depth, Canadian Calvin's
work brings even chimpanzees to life.

'Each sculpture is around one and half foot wide by two feet long and take
up to two weeks for research and sketching and two weeks for cutting and
final prep for the photography.'

His work has been used in many books since his series began in the mid
1990's working throughout the United States and Canada.

Family affair: This group of beavers gnashing through some twigs
 Click here

Living and working in Lindsay, Ontario, Calvin' first paper artwork was for
his uncle's bus business,
DeNure Tours in 1983.

'I developed my art to the point where I blended many of my
passions-wildlife, the natural world,
photography, design, model making, sculpture, light and shadow and have
managed to indulge all of them.

'I see the sculptures in my mind like a Hollywood movie set with one angle
that looks impressive.

'When I started out in the early 1980's I didn't see this being my job
nearly 30 years later.'

A paper sculpture of a Frog
 Click here

A paper sculpture of a Chameleon
 Click here

Four-legged friends: A Frog looks set to leap whilst a Chameleon's
impressive reflexes are exposed

A paper sculpture of a Lion
 Click here


Wolves
 Click here

A paper sculpture of a Chimpanzee
 Click here

Hunting in packs: This pair of Wolves eyeing their next prey whilst a
Chimpanzee cradles

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So there you go:

One of the great myths about the Labor party debunked

Can you believe it? The Honorable Member for Dobell, Craig Thomson, has
destroyed one of the great myths about his party. THE ALP CAN ORGANIZE A
ROOT IN A BROTHEL!

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An old guy:

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist
Is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this
New procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I
Want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees,
then while I check Your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The pretty doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side And again,
while I repeat the check,
take a deep breath and say, '99'."

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with
Your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this
Hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep It
out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three"

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Furniture dealer from Dublin:

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could
find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new
acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite
crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in
the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked
him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned
to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded,
so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left
the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing
romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and
drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was
in the furniture business.

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Advice from Women to Men

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE
actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat,
take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we're watching football with you... it's not bonding... it's their
butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the
movie.

5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

6. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

7. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of
accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

8. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in
bed.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's
easy"?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance... in
fact... please do!

13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favourite outfit rather than
"yours"... the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a
positive vs a negative grunt.

15. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to
us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of
the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never
want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few
raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

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Some more mountain bike vids:

 Click here

INTENSE VTOPO Crew 2011 Serie : 365 D3 -

 Click here

Gornergrat Trailsurfing in Zermatt - An artistic video of Cross country
Mountain bike riding in
Switzerland

 Click here

Where the trail ends... - In their search for the true spirit of
Freeriding, the NWD Films team head to the mountains of the Gobi desert

 Click here

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 Mountain bike riding Videos:

A range of MTB Genres from Downhill (The full face helmet brigade), Cross
Country, Trials riding (balance, hopping and jumping from freestanding etc)
and North Shore (Man-made ramps etc).

Awesome Mountain Bike Skills

 Click here

Crazy Mountain Bike Tricks

 Click here

Danny Macaskill - Industrial Revolutions - Industrial Revolutions is the
amazing new film from street trials riding star Danny Macaskill. Filmed and
edited for Channel 4 's doc*mentary Concrete Circus.

 Click here

Awesome Land: Women of Dirt

 Click here

Dust Till Down - Iago Garay

 Click here

SRAM : Semenuk : Wandering (slow start to video but worth watching) "A
visual representation of the lethal c*cktail Brandon brings to any battle
and what he demands from the products he rides.
Brandon's brute strength, style, and diverse skill match seamlessly with
X0. Brandon Semenuk is
Relentless."

 Click here

HELMET CAM FROM CHAMPERY 2010 - Fabien Pedemanaud follows Nick Beer down
the awesome
Champery DH track in Switzerland during Thursday's practice session.

 Click here

Mountain Bike Crashes

 Click here

Blackmountain Morewood - Champery 2010 - WC Team video for Blackmountain
Morewood in
Champery. This video gives you some idea of how frighteningly stepp this
track is in Champery
Switzerland

 Click here

And now Shamelessly one of my own MTB Vids from YouTube with a good Aussie
Rock soundtrack (The Angels) - Tathra Downhill Mountain Bike Riding
(Hardest section)

 Click here

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Jokes:

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the
worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can
only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His
search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to
retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would
ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by
nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a
duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however,
did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird,
never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each
time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to
retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single
word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything
unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."


Perfection

The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody
present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up."

Nobody stood up.

"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up."

One elderly gentleman stood up.

"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he asked,
somewhat amazed.

"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man, "but
I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."


Hospital Report

An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital
where I work.

He looked quite concerned at one notation.

"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad,"
he said to me apologetically.
"I hope I didn't offend anyone."

He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant
"Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.

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Jewish Genie:

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of
water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last
breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he
had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he
unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary genie.
This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi,
complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got three vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a
Jewish genie!'

'Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a gonner anyvay!'

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was
right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and
drink.'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he
was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old
coins and precious gems.

'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good
vone!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon..

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a
string attached.

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Sarcastic Quotes:

* You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
* Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
* Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
* Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
* If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder it would be
an apocalypse!
* This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
* I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
* When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your
head.
* A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
* Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse
advice.
* Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
* Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to
myself and try to like you?
* Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
* Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
* Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world
already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
* He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
* I bet you get bullied a lot.
* I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
* I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
* I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not
listening.
* I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of
thousands of others.
* I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
* I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
* I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a
much lower opinion of you.
* I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
* I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't
understand me.
* I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get
my head that far up your ass.
* If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
* I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your
ignorance.
* I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head
before.
* I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
* Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a
damn.
* People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
* She's the first in her family born without tail.
* That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious,
and you are all of them.
* What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in
stupidity.
* Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
* What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
* You are not even beneath my contempt.
* You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a
completely different and far worse way.
* You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
* You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
* You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're
doing your best.
* Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
* You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.

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What is intelligence?

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why
are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there
in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in
the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean, intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I
want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand.

The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said,
"That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he
say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and
hit my hand."

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Fireman:

Mick was playing golf with his mate the local Fire Station chief when he
hit his ball into the rough. As
Mick headed for the bush to find his ball, his mate warned him, "Be
careful, the Brown snakes are are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting
assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Mick replied in astonishment. "People actually
call the fire department to help them with Brown snakes? What do you say to
them?"

"Well," his mate said, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

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Really mean insults:

1. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

2. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as
your face!

6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing

7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!

11. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.

17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

18. He has a mind like a steel trap, always closed!

19. You are a man of the world and you know what sad shape the world is in.

20. He is always lost in thought it's unfamiliar territory.

21. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!

23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?

24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an
idiot.

27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!

28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.

30. How would you like to feel the way you look?

31. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

32. I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next
10 years?

33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.

34. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will
agree with me.

35. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

37. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!

38. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at
all.

39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?

40. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!

41. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

42. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of
you.

44. Do u practice being this ugly?

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Truck licence:

I was sitting at the traffic lights on the highway yesterday, next to a car
load of Muslims,

when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top of their car!

"Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me"... so I went and got a truck
licence!

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Chinese music event - true story?:

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to
the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps
out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a
jazz chord ! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career,
the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole
place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord,
play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives
straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this
impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a
jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Stevie is really p*ssed off now that this
chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from
the stage " OK - smart ar*e, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts
to sing............ "A jazz chord to say, I ruv you...

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Who makes up these captions? priceless!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Should Math be Taught in School?:

Funny but scary. Teachers! HELP. Lord help us.
this would be funny if it weren't so scary.

 Click here

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Cloud Over Ethiopia:

 Click here +++ Content:


A Pileus Iridescent Cloud Over Ethiopia

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WWII Posters Found:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

WORLD WAR II POSTERS FOUND

I know some of you are too young to recall these posters And WWII, but they
were a part of our lives and others Who are now "older than dirt". These
are great.

I am glad to see that somebody saved them.

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Huh?:

 Click here

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Sign humor:

 Click here

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THE SMALLEST PETROL ENGINE:

 Click here

Is this amazing or What??

SMALLEST PETROL ENGINE

SCIENTISTS have built the smallest petrol engine, tiny enough to power a
WATCH. The mini-motor,
which runs for two years on a single squirt of lighter fuel, is set to
revolutionize world technology. It produces 700 times more energy than a
conventional battery despite being less than a centimeter long not even
half an inch. It could be used to operate laptops and mobile phones for
months doing away with the need for recharging. Experts believe it could be
phasing out batteries in such items within just six years.

The engine, minute enough to be balanced on a fingertip, has been produced
by engineers at the
University of Birmingham . Dry Kyle Jiang, lead investigator from the
Department of Mechanical
Engineering, said: "We are looking at an industrial revolution happening in
peoples' pockets. "The breakthrough is an enormous step forward. "Devices
which need re-charging or new batteries are a problem but in six years will
be a thing of the past."

Other applications for the engine could include medical and military uses,
such as running heart pacemakers or mini reconnaissance robots. At present,
charging an ordinary battery to deliver one unit of energy involves putting
2,000 units into it. The little engine, because energy is produced locally,
is far more effective.

One of the main problems faced by engineers who have tried to produce micro
motors in the past has been the levels of heat produced. The engines got so
hot they burned themselves out and could not be re-used. The Birmingham
team overcame this by using heat-resistant materials such as ceramic and
silicon carbide. Professor Graham Davies, head of the university's
engineering school,
said: "We've brought together all the engineering disciplines, materials,
chemical engineering, civil engineering, and mechanical engineering. "What
better place to have the second industrial revolution in nano-technology
than where the first took place, in the heart of the West Midlands.

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Truk Lagoon/The Japanese Pearl Harbor:

 Click here

AMERICAN HISTORY, 70 YEARS AGO, WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?

GREAT UNDERWATER SCENES.

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Big pet pig:

 Click here

Tired of the same old, same old dog and/or cat pet? Here's another option.

When the Squicciarini family from Lecco, Italy adopted piglet Cesira she
was just two months old and the smallest piglet of the litter. The family
fell in love with the little piglet and brought her home.
But the pet porker has now grown into a 14stone (90kg) hog. She enjoys
daily walks, pigs out on around 3kg of fruit and vegetables a day and
enjoys treats of biscuits, sweets and ice-cream.
Cesira is house trained - she uses a litter tray, has learnt to wake Marina
and Ali each morning by pulling at their duvet, and enjoys watching TV with
the family in the evening.

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Why You Shouldn't Swim After a Hurricane:

 Click here


This picture was taken in Puerto Rico shortly after Hurricane Irene ravaged
the island. Yes, that’s a shark swimming down the street next to a car, and
this is exactly why authorities in NYC are warning people not to go
swimming in flood waters after a hurricane. Sharks go where fish go, and
fish go where water goes, and if that water (and those subsequent fish)
happen to be right outside your front door, then guess where that freakin’
shark’s going to be?! For more post-hurricane survival advice from someone
who’s never been in a hurricane

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Errrrr...:

 Click here

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3 Incredible Videos:

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

Someone must spend hours making stoopid videos...............

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YMCA:

 Click here

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Recipe:

 Click here

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Caricatures:

 Click here

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Why Golf is good:

 Click here

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Finally -- a Wal-Mart Shopper Properly Dressed:

 Click here

Finally an Obama shirt that I like!

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How to select a good Retirement Home:

 Click here

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Sh*t Happens:

 Click here

 Click here


SH*T HAPPENS...

THIS GUY SENDS AND E-MAIL WITH AN ATTACHMENT TO HIS BEST FRIEND......

"GUESS WHAT YOUR WIFE LUCY IS DOING RIGHT NOW...???  I'M SENDING YOU A
PICTURE, SO
YOU COULD SEE HER...."

AFTER THE FRIEND SAW THE PICTURE, HE STAYED AND WAITED FOR HIS WIFE TO COME
HOME AND WITHOUT LETTING HER SAY ONE WORD HE WENT NUTS...

LATER THE FRIEND SENDS HIM ANOTHER E-MAIL AND THE FRIEND EXPLAINS:

"BUDDY, I'M SORRY, BUT I THINK I USED TOO MUCH ZOOM ON THE PICTURE.  HERE
IS THE
COMPLETE IMAGE..."

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Friendship at it's finest:

 Click here

Friendship at it's Finest.!!

Friendship only goes so far... ya' know.!!!

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Colour is Good:

 Click here Click here Click here

Yesterday I went to the doctor

For my yearly physical.

My blood pressure was high.

My cholesterol was high.

I'd gained some weight,

and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right

doesn't have to be complicated and

it would solve my physical problems.

He said:

Just think in colors.

Fill your plate with bright colors.

Try some greens, oranges, reds,

maybe something yellow, etc.

and eat an entire bowl of

bright colors.

And Sure Enough,

I Felt Better Immediately!!

I never knew eating right could be so easy!!

Now stay healthy,

eat your colors,

and have a nice day!

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Uyunni Salt Lake in Bolivia...amazing:

 Click here

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How a Dog Hugs a Baby

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The K9 above is Brutus, a military K9 at McChord (Big Air Force Base - I
think). He's huge - part boxer and part British Bull Mastiff.

He tops the scales at 200 lbs and his handler took the picture as he was
running towards me because he knew I had some treats for him, so he's
slobbering away like a big kid.

I had to duck around a tree just before he got to me in case he didn't
stop, but he did or I would have ended up in Hospital.

Brutus was the recipient of the Congressional Medal of Honour last year
from his tour in Iraq.

His handler and four other soldiers were taken hostage by insurgents.
Brutus and his handler communicate by sign language and he gave Brutus the
signal that meant 'go away but come back and find me'.

The Iraqis paid no attention to Brutus. They should have because he came
back later and because he was correctly trained and knows proper loyalty,
he quietly tore the throat out of one guard at one door and another guard
at another door.

He then jumped against one of the doors repeatedly (the guys were being
held in an old warehouse) until it opened. He went in and untied his
handler and they all escaped.

He's the first K9 to receive this honor.

If he knows you're ok, he's a big old lug and wants to sit in your lap.

His only shame - he enjoys the company of cats.

This K-9 Congressional Medal of Honour Winner thought you'd find this
interesting. Talk about animal intelligence and bonding with humans!

Remember dogs can't do a lot of things for themselves now and they depend
on you to make their life a quality life, which some return tenfold!

So - Instructions for properly hugging a baby (from a dog's point of view):
1. First, uh, find a baby.

2. Second, be sure that the object you found was indeed a baby, by
employing classic sniffing techniques.

3. Next, you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the
hugging process.

4. The 'paw slide' = simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible
close-up.

5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult
and patented 'hug, smile, and lean' so as to achieve the best photo
quality.

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Where's the penguins?

 Click here

The really fun bit starts at paragraph 5, but read through for how this
came about.

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Texting Proper English

Food for thought!!!

From a Teacher- - short and to the point:

In this world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people
who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of
capitalization. For those of you who fall into this category,
please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between . . . . helping your Uncle Jack
off a horse and . . . helping your uncle j*ck off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

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Classes for Women at Your Local Adult Learning Centre:

 Click here Click here
Note: That due to the complexity and difficulty level of the subject area,
class sizes will be limited to 5 women.

Class 1: Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday
for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm

Class 2: Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Moaning
About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Sat*rday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Drive Past a Waitrose Without Stopping? - Group
Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Sat*rday 10:00 pm for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase -
Pictures and Explanatory
Graphics.

Meets Sat*rdays at 2:00 pm for 3 weeks.

Class 5: Curling Irons - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom
Cabinet?

Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning At 7:00 pm

Class 6: How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the
Programme

Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00
pm

Class 7: Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and
Shampoos?

Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 pm, 2 hours.

Class 8: I Was Wrong and He Was Right! Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 pm. Location to be determined.

Description: Funny Men Classes

Class 9: How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance
Claim.

Driving Simulations. Meets 4 weeks, Sat*rday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 10: Learning to Live: How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers
Through the
Windshield .

Tuesdays at 7:00 pm. Location to be determined

Class 11: How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm. Upon
completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the
survivors.

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Some guys will answer their Mobiles (no matter what) !!!

 Click here

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LR1600 turnover:

 Click here

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Don't get this mob to put in your pool

 Click here

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Take the test I scored smart

 Click here

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Ancient Japanese Proverb:

 Click here

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Australian?

 Click here

They say Muslims born in Australia are Australians.

Bullsh*t !

If a dog is born in a stable, it's not a horse, is it ? !!!

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So they grow on trees now?

 Click here

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T-72 vs. 'Javelin' (Be sure to open both attachments):

 Click here Click here

TIME FOR THE BLACK BERETS TO CONSIDER CHANGING CORPS==DO YOU REALLY WANT TO
BE A
TANK COMMANDER??

Open the MPG file first to see the actual firing of the missile, them open
the PPS file to see the final results

T-72 vs 'Javelin'

The T72 is Russia's main battle tank (about 45 tons with a 125mm main gun).
The "Javelin" is a small, man-carried shoulder fired anti-tank weapon. the
"Javelin" is a far cry from our old WWII bazookas that were lucky to just
blow a track off an enemy tank with a direct hit at close range.

Who wants to be a tanker now? Be sure to open both attachments!!!

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Winning!!:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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English Credit Card:

 Click here

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This is YOU!!!!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here .

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[ End friday humour ]

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