Friday humour - August 19, 2011

An interesting week for law & order fans, an arrest in the Daniel Morcombe
Case in Queensland and over in Kentucky and Australian arrested in the
'neck bomb' incident in Sydney.
The thing that stands out for me is the courage and conviction of the
families and the victims in these events. The Morcombes' are an example to
every member of the Australian community for their endless pursuit of
Justice for their child. Likewise the calm cool actions in the public view
by the victim and family of the Mosman extortion attempt.

Personally, I won't bother mentioning the alleged perpetrators in either
case.

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From: Anonymous
Subject: The coolest dog !

The coolest dog in the world: (Very Cool - ED)
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Blue Angels (New)

This is really good.

Did you know that the pilot on the right of the formation is always a
Marine.

This is one of the best Blue Angel videos you'll see!!   Great perspective
with much of it filmed from the c*ckpit.

You see the formation then see it from the pilot or camera view. It is in
HD;

Hope your computer can handle it.

This was recorded in FL. And El Centro , CA
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Two Alligators

Two alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller alligator
turned to the bigger one & said, 'I  can't understand how you can be so
much bigger than me.  We're the same age; we were the  same size as kids. I
just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big gator,  'what  have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the  small gator.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down  the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch  them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait  for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out,  grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of
them and eat  'em! '

'Ah!' says the big alligator, 'I think I  see your problem..  You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t
out of a politician, there's nothing  left but an as*hole and a briefcase.

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Lighthouses


Some interesting photographs of lighthouses. Many of them in Michigan.

There is also a video on the last slide. Nature is awesome...

 Click here


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: NORVEGIAN DIET

Ole was turning 78 and was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

The doctor said, "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should
have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Ole returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Ole nodded... "I'll tell you though, by God, I thought I wuz gonna drop
dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor..

"Hell no, it wuz from all dat damn skippin!"


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From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Subject: Black Undies


Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the
world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in
his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black
panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom .

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"


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From: Burnout


Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides
to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school Dad." Robot slaps the
son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friend's house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot
slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! When I was your age I
didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "Ha Ha Ha! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps mum..


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From: New Forest Robin
Subject: Sensitivity from New Forest Robin


The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in
full swing . The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was
telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their
partners at this stage of the pregnancy .

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try
to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this
together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact,
that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room went quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes," said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering, would it be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Africa to send troops, food parcels to UK as riots spread


Africa to send troops, food parcels to UK as riots spread
ETHIOPIA. The African Union today adopted a unilateral resolution to deploy
army troops and care packages to England as looting and violence spread
from
London to other major cities. Spokesperson Charity Khumalo said "We can no
longer stand by while these savages tear themselves apart."
The AU, meeting today in an emergency session to discuss the ongoing
rioting in the UK, has declared that they will do "everything in their
power to help bring civilisation to England".
"It's just so sad, you know?" said Khumalo, speaking from the
organisation's
HQ in Addis Ababa. "Sitting here and watching them on TV while their
society implodes. We cannot in good conscience remain idle and let it
happen."
The AU has announced a range of initiatives that Africans can get involved
with to help alleviate the misery of the English.
"For instance, we have launched an 'Adopt an English child' programme,"
Khumalo explained, showing journalists brochures featuring the faces of
English kids. "If you donate a mere R50 a month, you can see to it that
sweet little Johnny from Peckham receives a basic education, a pack of
condoms and a pair of pimpin' Nikes."
Khumalo also said that the AU would be parachuting in dentists along with
army troops as part of a 'Feel better about yourselves, Brits!' initiative.
"You can understand why they're turning on each other," the spokesperson
told journalists. "You look in the mirror and you see teeth untouched by
modern dentistry. It's heartbreaking enough to make anyone put a brick
through a Starbucks."
The organisation also plans to air-drop care packages on major UK cities.
"Vegetables, mainly," Khumalo confirmed. "We're sending them vegetables and
toothpaste."
The AU's flagship event, however, will be a star-studded rock concert to be
held in Johannesburg, with all proceeds going towards the establishment of
mobile libraries around the UK. Artists ranging from Mafikizolo to Steve
Hofmeyr have pledged to perform at the show.
"As a humanitarian, it's the least I can do," Hofmeyr said yesterday. "I
look at those photos of the adorable little beasts knifing each other in
fights over looted X-Boxes and I want to hug them and give them a nice hot
cup of Milo."
Meanwhile, the week's events has seen terrified South Africans in London
and
Manchester packing their bags for home.
"This country is going to the dogs, dude," said Werner du Preez, a gap-year
student from Johannesburg. "I've been offered a nice little two-bed place
in
Hillbrow where I can feel safe again."


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Ann Coulter - August 10, 2011 - THE SUN NEVER SETS ON THE BRITISH
WELFARE SYSTEM

Some poignant views expressed by my favorite political editorialist.


 Click here


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From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: riots


Terrible scenes in Wellingborough, Northampton.

 Click here


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From: Stumpy Steve


It looks like things are kicking off on the IoW too


 Click here


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From: Stumpy Steve (It worked for me - ED)
Understand the last link about the IoW doesn't work try this:

 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve


Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, "What's the matter
now?"

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little
Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I
know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like
that. Why didn't you just laugh?

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.


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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Lords of London Prayer


Our father, who art in prison,
Even my mum knows not his name,
Thy rioting done, you'll read it in the Sun,
In Birmingham much as it is in London,
Give us this day our welfare bread & forgive us for being true w*nkers,
As we forgive those who got ASBOS against us,
Lead us not to an employment situation
But deliver free housing,
For thine is the petrol bomb,
The plunder & its glories,
Forever and ever...I'm a d*ckhead!

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Shocking video of a riot in Manchester


 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: New Medicine Cabinet


 Click here Click here Click here Click here


FINALLY!....a medicine cabinet that works.


It has taken me many, many months of my retirement time, but I have just
finished building my new Medicine Cabinet.


Disease

Wine

Daily dose


Allergies

Chardonay de Paeuf

1 glass


Anemia

Graves

4 glass


Bronchitis

Bourgogne or Bordeaux
( + sugar and cinnamon )

3 cups


Constipation

Anjou blanc electricity . Vouvray

4 glass


Coronary arteries

Dry Champagne

4 glass


Diarrhoea

Beaujolais Nouveau

4 glass


Fever

Champagne sec

1 bottle


Heart

Burgundy , Santenay Rouge

Two glass


Uric acid gout

Sancerre , Pouilly Fume

4 glass


Hypertension

Alsace , Sancerre

4 glass


Menopause

Saint Emilion

4 glass


Depression

Rhine

4 glass


Obesity

Burgundy

4 glass


Obesity

Rose Provence

1 bottle


Rheumatism

Champagne

4 glass


Excessive weight loss

Chateau de Beaune

4 glass


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From: Anonymous
Subject: iPAD FOR SALE

Hi,
If you are interested in getting an iPad I can get hold of them through a
contact. These are straight, not off the back of a truck. They are from a
canceled Hospital contract due to the Government cutbacks.

The numbers are limited - he has twenty iPads going for less than half
price so it's first come first served.

He has already sold one (pic is attached below so you can see what you are
getting).

Get back to me as quick as you can if you want one.
Full spec as below...........

 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Moonface


 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: Exceptionelles


 Click here


Enjoy these unusual pics.


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From: Anonymous
Subject: Take the cable car to the top


 Click here


The beauty will literally "take your breath away."  What an awesome world

in which we live!     Listen to the background music.  It's beautiful.


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From: Anonymous
Subject: I die laughing!!!!!


 Click here


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+++ Time: 20110814225504
+++ From: Anonymous3 +++ Subject: London  PPS +++ File links:
 The attached file london.ppsx is an UNSUPPORTED file type +++ Content:


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From: Anonymous
Subject: Bill


 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: Being a man is less complicated...

And that's a good thing - - -

Please, allow us our simplicity...


What goes through your mind when someone says, "Let's go for a drink"?
 Click here

What happens when you need to pee?
 Click here

What happens when you meet the opposite s*x?
 Click here


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From: Arfermo
 Subject: AARP Swimsuits...


 Click here Click here Click here Click here


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From: Burnout
Subject: Elephant fun..


 Click here


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From: Burnout
Subject: Top 4 lovers in history


 Click here


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From: Burnout
Subject: Why we loved the Muppets...


 Click here


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From: Burnout
Subject: Italian Chewing Gum..........


 Click here


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From: Burnout
Subject: Farts......


 Click here


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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: How to clear a traffic jam in India. 4.00.


 Click here


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From: David from Gymea
Subject:  The Riots in England (Not Scotland, it should be noted)


 Click here Click here


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From: Diks
Subject: New Cartoon from Scotland - Must See


 Click here


It's not only the English who have a sense of  humor.
The  Scots do as  well!
New  Antiseptic
This  cartoon originated in Scotland  ....
It  looks like most of the world is laughing at our  nation's  leadership!

How  sad that the world is laughing at the  US  while we sit by and watch
and wonder what will  happen next!*
"This  one nails it perfectly."

President Obama's approval ratings  are so low now, Kenyans are accusing
him of being  born in the United States  ..


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From: Mitta
Subject: OHS - adapt, improvise and overcome


 Click here


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Formwork ...


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


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From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: another spaceship of Wal-Martians

Sorry to tell ya... but another spaceship of Wal-martians has landed!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: The real purpose of email.......


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


REPEAT AFTER ME:

NO MORE POLITICAL E-MAILS!
NO MORE RIGHT WING CR*P!
NO MORE LEFT WING CR*P!
NO MORE RIGHT WING CR*P!
NO MORE CHAIN E-MAILS !
NO MORE FORWARDED LUCKY E-MAILS!
NO MORE DYING CHILD E-MAILS !
NO MORE "Send this to 10 people or you will have bad luck" E-Mails!

What we need is to get back to the real purpose of E-Mail.

TITTIES!

THERE - NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Happy ending!


 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Pick up line of the year


 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Hilarious!


 The truth eventually comes out.


WOMEN -

Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4
minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3
minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes
later.  And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home
from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back
home,
under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once
home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour.
We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was
wonderful...


MEN -

Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell
asleep.

You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I
switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into
darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took
her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so
expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk
home.
Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light
all these f *cking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so
wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come.
In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while
she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Not a bad jump
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Vacation Planner

 Click here


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From: anonymous
Subject: Parahawking Over Nepal (HD)

 Click here


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From: anonymous
Subject: Which one is the guilty dog?

 I love this one - it is so true!

Anyone who thinks a dog does not remember or does not feel guilt has not
lived with a dog. Just look at the expressions on the faces of these three
dogs when they are asked the same question at the same time.....same tone
of voice.

The guilty one cannot help but feel guilty while the others have no look of
guilt whatsoever. They are all being asked the same question.

 Click here


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Quote of the Week:

What worries you, masters you.

- John Locke

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[ End friday humour ]

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