Friday humour - August 12, 2011

The British Government has suddenly realised that you cannot equip a CCTV
camera with a shield and baton, and send it in to break up a riot. Passive
policing is fine when people are generally passive, but they are not always
that way, especially when they feel sure they are heading back into a 
feudal system. You can't just continuously unpick the family and community 
structures of societies without some reckoning eventually. 
Where is next I wonder?

It is worth confessing that some of our left wing readers complain that the
material we include is too right wing, and some of our right wing readers
complain it is too left wing, but nobody complains it is not interesting.
Must be doing something right ...

This weeks offerings emanate from Billy Bunter, Diks, Mitta, Nottingham
Smithie, Stumpy Steve, The Great Gussius, Tommo963, Whizzbang, 
and the ever-prolific anonymi. 



It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the
chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never
invited back.


Here's the truth...

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for
5 years - It is now believed that Bin Laden called the
US Navy Seals himself.


I always thought that the Doctor Who song went:

Budududung budududung budududung budududung

Ooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeee weeeeeeeoooo....

No. It's quite clearly:

nawenganaweng, nawenganaweng, nawenganaweng, nawaaaaaa,

nawenganaweng, nawenganaweng, nawenganaweng, nawaaaaaa,

oooh oooh ooooooooooooooh, ooooooohooohooooooooh,

naaaaah ah ah, aaah ah ah, ah ah aaahahah...


Things Bogans Like

A. ADHD: While the bogan parent is always eager to acquire cheap glory, it
is vehemently unwilling to accept responsibility for the conduct of bogan
junior, despite little Bilynda and Maxxx setting fire to the upholstery in
the formal dining area. Using the same mental shortcut that caused it to
decide that it had a spurious gluten allergy, the bogan will loudly and
arbitrarily announce that its recalcitrant offspring has ADHD. At this
point, the bogan parent feels relieved and reassured that none of this mess
is their fault.

B. Buddhist home furnishings: No longer is the bogan confined to decorating
its home with HSV wall clocks and novelty stubby-holders. What better way
to announce one's entry into the knowledge economy than by purchasing a
Buddhism-themed figurine,
statue or water feature from the garden section of Kmart?

C. Celebrities: The bogan is of the opinion that years of work, skill and
sacrifice aren't really the key things behind success . .
. all that is really required is for the bogan to loudly announce a desire
to be a celebrity.

D. Discount airlines: The bogan is no longer restricted to holidaying
within a five-hour Commodore journey of its nest. But it expects celebrity
service at bargain prices. If the discount flight is 30 minutes late, a
small cluster of bogans can be seen gesticulating maniacally at the service
desk. The bogans' flat nasal yowl reverberates across the departure lounge,
prompting other bogans to begin howling like a neighbourhood of cross-eyed
dogs. Due to incidents such as this, the Bali to Brisbane Jetstar flight on
Sunday afternoons has come to be known as the ''bogan bus''.

E. Enormous prams: Mumma Hummers, as they are affectionately known, are the
armoured tanks of the baby transport world. These giant infant carriers
ruthlessly dominate every footpath, zebra crossing and food court aisle
that they happen to rumble across. For while the bogan mother is walking a
child instead of a pit bull, she desires to intimidate all the same.

F. Franchises: The bogan has standards - standards that can only be met
when the front of the shop has a familiar logo that the bogan has seen in
other suburbs and towns too. For while each bogan is a unique snowflake,
franchises allow them to be as precisely unique as each other.

G. Going to work in the mines: While in a remote area of Western Australia,
the bogan will ply his modest skill set, earning in excess of $500 a day.
This financial windfall opens the glittering door to hyper-bogan
consumption. Within months, he is playing GTA on his new 125-inch full HD,
3D, LED TV, ripping doughnuts in his shiny Chevrolet ute and drinking
phenomenal amounts of locally-brewed Stella Artois.

H. Hot Asian Chicks: If the illegal fishing boats full of Afghani
immigrants that wash up on Ashmore Reef were full of hot Asian chicks . . .
hordes of bogans would be strapping long-range fuel tanks and floral
bouquets on to their jet-skis and trying to intercept the vessels

I. Interest-free, no-deposit: Maintaining an appropriately fashionable
abode with massive TV screen and loud home-theatre system is an expensive
task. Thankfully, the proprietors of equally massive retailers such as
Harvey Norman saw a hole in the market. So now,
Bogan dreams can be fulfilled, by getting free stuff. Sure, they had to
sign a few forms before being allowed to leave, but so what?

J. Joining the army (not): Perhaps the most devoted bogan love is talking
about joining the army. For there is nothing conceivably more maxtreme than
talking about shooting an xtreme gun, in xtreme temperatures, in countries
and terrain that it is xtremely unaware of . . . once its back recovers.

K. Kids' names: Rather than actually bestowing their newborn with a
genuinely one-of-a-kind name - or at least uncommon one - the bogan merely
takes a common one, then misspells it. Ever met a Hayleigh? A Breeyanah? A
Kayleb? These kids will be spelling out their names to all and sundry for
the next 80 years.

L. Literally: As in ''It was so hot yesterday, I was literally on fire'' or
''I literally died crossing the road this morning''.

M. McMansions: The average size of new homes in Australia grew by 40 per
cent between 1985 and 2003 as the bogan became aware that it ''deserved'' a
formal living area, a rumpus room, a parents' retreat, an en-suite, a
study, a formal lounge and a large void near the stairs. A home that, at
first glance, looked reminiscent of a celebrity home.

N. Number plates: Because the bogan has more personality than the rest of
us, it requires more canvases upon which to portray its traits. One of
these is the lower back, but another important one is the number plate of
the bogan's car. The message usually refers to the car's ability to attain
speed, or the alleged importance or desirability of its owner.

O. Overseas travel: Thailand is close enough for the bogan to leave its
nest at dawn, read the latest movie adapted to a novel, or watch Anchorman
and land in time to be slurping from a bucket by evening. Safely ensconced
in a Phuket tourist resort or
Australian-themed bar, the bogan can drink near-toxic amounts of cheap
beer, get bronzed, eat spring rolls, adorn itself with braids, tramp stamps
or tribal tattoos, and watch Anchorman again.

P. Patriotism: To the bogan, buying Aussie-made is the retail equivalent of
wearing a flag cape and punching on at the Big Day Out totally maxtreme
true blue. In the tradition of co-opting symbols it doesn't fully
understand, the bogan tatt du jour is the
Southern Cross, or ''Aussie Swazie''. The bogan believes Australia has a
monopoly over a constellation that is visible from about 50 other countries
the bogan has never heard of.

Q. The Qur'an (or Koran): The bogan will tell people that the Qur'an binds
all Muslims to a thing called ''Shania's Law'' which compels them to spread
chaos and oppression throughout the globe. This, the bogan believes, has
all been in order to attain maxtreme quantities of virgins in the afterlife
and it is highly suspicious as it wants its virgins right away.

R. Reality TV: Some analysts thought reality TV would be a brief fad but
they failed to understand the bogan's bottomless need for validation and
glitz. And because it's bogan versus bogan, the bogan always wins.

S. Self-help books: Bogans love shortcuts, be they get-rich-quick schemes,
examining a limited number of habits of ''highly effective'' individuals,
or simply seeking an effortless strategy to living superbly. This makes the
bogan a prime culprit for the burgeoning self-help publishing industry and
intellectual cretins/life coaches/gurus who model themselves on Anthony

T. Tans: Many bogans turned to tanning lounges in the 1990s but the message
of young melanoma victim Clare Oliver got through to many. The shift in
bronzing tastes coincided with a proliferation of spray tans, creams and
lotions. These come with the promise of transforming pale bogans into the
colour of ''ethnic'' people they do not like. This oddly contradictory
aspirational racism is rarely effective, though, with the bogan ending up a
blotchy shade of orange.

U. Underbelly: It had crime, it had violence, it had drug use, it was based
on some semblance of fact, it was on commercial TV and it was absolutely
loaded to the brim with heavily stylised semi-explicit s*x scenes and
exposed breasts. It was, in short, the televisual equivalent of bogan

V. Vampires: The female bogan desires nothing so much as xtreme romance.
While she often tells her disapproving friends that despite the tribal
tatts and glass-induced facial scarring, her man is ''a real sweetie
underneath'', the vampire is a representation of the fantasy that her
muscle-bound neolith can't live up to.

W. WAGS: There is a celebrity that appeals even more greatly to the bogan
than the footballer or cricketer: Their girlfriend. The femme-bogue decides
that becoming a WAG is her calling; her destiny. This results in weekly
pilgrimages to weekend haunts known for containing athletes, where the
femme-bogues stalk their prey with a single-minded, ruthless determination.
By the end of the night,
the female bogan has passed out in a tangle of arms, legs, sequins and

X. Xmas sales: The bogans surge, foaming at the mouth and desperately
snatching any item within a two-metre radius of a sign saying
''(up to) 70 per cent off''. Skinny bogans wriggle between the fat ones,
tall ones reach over the top, and the fat ones jut their ample rumps
outwards to create a quivering exclusion zone around the precious

Y. Your favourite bar: Once content with glassings and gropings to a Top 40
remix soundtrack at high capacity beer barns, the bogan now has an inkling
that it is missing out on something. The bogan will learn of the
non-bogan's favourite bar when the trashmedia report that an actor from
Underbelly went there once.

Z. Zoo Weekly: Having initially conceded to his girlfriend's refusal to
have the magazine in the house, the bogan was sent to the
7-Eleven to purchase a Diet Coke. At the fridge, the male bogan spied the
promotional placard: ''500ml can of Mother and copy of Zoo
Weekly for only $6.'' His relationship was doomed.


Bogan Jokes

Bogan is a term that could just as easily be interchanged with redneck,
hillbilly, westy, bevan, booner, chav or anyone uncultured,
poor, rough and dumb. These are a bit mean but I grew up in a bogan area so
I claim some right to use them.

Check out this site - - to learn more.

Q. Two bogans jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a bogan chick use as protection during s*x?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old bogan girl?
A. Granny.

Q. Why did the bogan cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a bogan girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What's the first question during a bogan quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two bogans in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.


Children Are Quick

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:      Here it  is.
TEACHER:    Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:      Maria.

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:      You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:    K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:    Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I  Love this child) ____________________________________________

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE:    Me!

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:      Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER:   Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  '
MILLIE:    I  is..
TEACHER:   No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:    All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand....

TEACHER:   Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:     No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE  :   No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!) ___________________________________

TEACHER:   Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:    A teacher



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Artistic ice cream
 Click here


The new tattoo women are getting in Europe to protect themselves from
Muslim men:
 Click here


Grandma Driving

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk
if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go!
Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was a Hawaiian good luck sign. Well, I have never met anyone
from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign
right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed..

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through
the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for
such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon, Love, Grandma



A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both
very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold".

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight let's pretend that
we're married'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied 'Get your own f*ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End.


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


Catholic Horses

A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his
shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead
of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure
enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on
the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the
Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept
blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his
savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which
horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race
and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The
punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. In a state of
shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race,
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost
every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the
difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'


Irish breakfast
 Click here


Very serious: How to Protect Your Password

Given the current climate re: concerns for computer and data security, I
suggest you take this message seriously. This is for your own safety and

If your workplace has been assessed and determined to be at a low level of
risk, the following method is recommended to ensure no one can see your
passwords or what you're typing:
 Click here

For a moderate level of risk, this method ensures no one can see your
passwords, what you're typing, or which website you're visiting:
 Click here

For a high level of risk, this method ensures ultimate security:
 Click here

Be safe out there people!


And so it is

Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Jimmi Hendrix, Ian Curtis, Jim Morrison, Janis
Joplin all died at 27. Justin Bieber turns 27 in 2021.
Just be patient.

She probably should've gone to rehab but she said noo noo
 Click here


Iphone, Itext, Iphuked-up

Here's why you should not text your kids.
 Click here


If my body was a car...

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it
in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is
getting a little dull.

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid
and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns

But here's the worst of it - Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!


One Sunday morning

One Sunday morning, a priest decided to do something a little different. He
said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going
to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING
GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE

The Pastor said 'S*X' The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each
other  afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87
year old grandmother stood up and began to sing


Please, Lord, NEVER let it come to this ...
 Click here


Women have magic powers

They can get wet without water

They can bleed without any injury

They can make boneless things hard

And they can make men eat without cooking


Personal Trainer: I gave her your number, Ok? [XXX sort of? + AAARGH!!]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
Run away! Very fast!


Four great photos from Mars.
Beautiful and incredible images from the latest batch of photographs sent
back from the Mars Landing
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


Windows XP Start-up screen [Xish]
 Click here


Men & Women
 Click here


Okay how do they do it? Amazing.
 Click here


      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!

[ End friday humour ]

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