Friday humour - August 05, 2011

From Gussius @ Bluehaze:

Another Geek financial bailout means that the familiar baklava is not the
only cheap Greek tart in
Athens. The latest news from Downunder in Oz, is that with our new carbon
tax, by 2020 no carbon atom will live in poverty. Meanwhile Uncle Sam
announced a breakthrough deal. Around a quarter of Congress voted to drive
the US economy into default but a majority put off the inevitable for 18
months. That's the type of breakthrough that comes from using cheap toilet
paper.

Contributors this week include Anonymous3, Arfermo, Burnout, Johnny Green,
Nottingham Smithie,
Tommo963, Whizzbang, Cartographer Chris, Kaos_reflex and several other
familiar anonomii.


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The 1940's:
This is truly fantastic and well done. A great history lesson.

Be sure and turn up the sound to catch all the great music too. This is
where we came from!
Interesting to watch.

Click on "The 1940s" It advances automatically.

 Click here

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Pig Races....

Here's "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS" - a Muslim buys eleven acres of land next to
a pig farm (a family farm that has been in Houston a long time) and NOW
WANTS THE PIG FARMER TO LEAVE!!??
That takes a lot of damn nerve! So what's the pig farmer's response to
that..... PIG RACES DURING
FRIDAY NIGHT PRAYERS!!

I love it! Don't mess with Texas - The clip is funny - even the news crew
is laughing.

 Click here

God Bless America

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Middle East Map Game:

Wish we had these when I was at school.

GREAT GEOGRAPHY LESSON

It is amazing how often we speak of these countries and don't really know
where they are.

Drag the country's name onto the map. There is no humbling score nor time
limit; this exercise is a learning tool. Don't fear making an error. Once
you finish the puzzle, you will be far more educated about this very
intense area of our world. You think you know the countries? Just
wait.......

 Click here

So how many did you get right first time?

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Burqahs

Today I went into the local McDonalds for lunch, and as I got up to the
counter I was served by a young girl wearing a Burqah. Now this Burqah
looked grubby. It was not pressed, it was quite dirty,
it even smelled. This put me off my lunch, so I crossed the road and went
into Hungry Jacks. Again as I got to the counter I was served by a young
girl wearing a Burqah. Now this Burqah was clean and fresh. It was pressed
and decorated with beads and sequins. It was then I realised the Burqahs
are better at Hungry Jacks.

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Warning - bad taste follows:

One quick last one which won't keep in the joke fridge.

Return of serve...

Rupert Murdoch has said he is touched by some of the messages friends and
family have left on
Amy Winehouse's phone!

Doesn't take long.......

Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful
rendition of Candle Under The
Spoon.

Can all those mourners outside Amy Winehouse's home please form a line?
It's what she would've wanted.

What was Amy Winehouse's biggest hit? Her last one!

McDonalds have released the Amy Winehouse McValue Meal. Just Coke and Ice.

Congrats to Amy Winehouse! She has been sober for 72hrs.

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Cowboy Philosophy

Cowboy rules for: Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming,
Montana, Utah,
Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1.. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2.. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3.. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup
truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get
dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4.. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like
money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17
& I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.
5.. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines
that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6.. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to
understand the concept.
7.. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves
are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better
hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8.. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9.. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held the closest
Sat*rday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of
age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you
can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh,
yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you
eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over
ice. You bring 'Mary
Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck,
and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants,
the Yankees, the Mets, the
Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks
the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music,
anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers!
Refer back to #1!

The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline.

OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use.....

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal
immigrants!

That would be 15 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would
come down..... Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the
borders....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a
canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan .....

Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR
military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it......

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended
this country..... He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal
resident..... This option will probably deter illegal immigration and
provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to
make a better life for themselves. .......

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the
canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.....

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A few funnies:

Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for
black orphans. I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of bum hair. The bloody thing
keeps blowing off.

Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said
No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your
heart rule your head.
Safeway's are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.

I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of bollocks. Who
would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear
power station?

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having s*x with me
because she can't afford batteries!

1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal
ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3
seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a
bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

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Used car Aussie style:

Many a true word is spoken in jest. John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit

[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by
salesman JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.

John: You're the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know....... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model.
Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah.... a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low
maintenance, economical, sensible.
Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model - don't know why I got rid
of him -- biggest mistake
I've ever made.

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake.

Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate - that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: Didn't stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah - had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen
again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and
it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It's a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system - not a good idea. An engine that can't
deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse.

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches
to the left for no apparent reason - that's the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road
to recovery - but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in
all directions and goes nowhere.

John: So that's why you're here?

Bryan: That's right. I'm stuck with a car that's wasteful, expensive,
ineffective and past its use by date. I don't suppose you've heard of the
"Cash for Clunkers" scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.

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In the news this week:

Surgery for Berlusconi.

Italian PM Berlusconi underwent an operation on his hand for carpal tunnel
syndrome recently near
Milan.

The report in News of the World said 74-year-old Berlusconi had similar
over use surgery on his hand at the clinic in Rozzano last year. The main
symptom is numbness and swelling and it apparently feels like having s*x
with another person if left untreated.

According to his voicemail, he went to hospital for checks earlier this
month after falling in the shower after his hand flew off in a fit of
passion. He also underwent an operation on his jaw in
March after allegedly being struck in the face with his own clenched fist
in the back room of a Milan adult gift shop in December 2009.

-------------------------------

Question mark over chopper in fatal crash:

The safety record of the type of helicopter involved in a fatal crash in
the Kimberley has been questioned.

The pilot from Brooking Springs Station near Fitzroy Crossing, died when
the helicopter she was flying home after muster crashed last week.

The Australian Transport Safety Bureau issued a timely, but slightly too
late warning about the stress placed on the Robinson R22's drive belt
system during cattle mustering.

An aviation expert says the Robinson R22 is no more dangerous than other
models and was perfectly safe to fly until about 7 tenths of a second
before impact.

------------------------------

Home prices keep falling:

Home prices in Australia's capital cities eased 0.2 per cent in June, the
sixth straight monthly decline. Rismark's Hedonic Home Value Index shows
prices in the capital cities have now slipped 2 per cent over the past
year.

“Market conditions are clearly being dampened by low levels of consumer
confidence fuelled by interest rate speculation, global economic jitters,
higher-than-expected consumer price index,
bananas at $14 a kilogram, talk of interest rate hikes, tax increases,
stiff increases in power, water,
gas and petrol and child care fees all add to household woes. Plummeting
real wages and job insecurity as good jobs go to Asia is not going to
assist with an improvement in consumer sentiment or improve housing
affordability.”

RP Data's figures show the existing high price of housing continues to be a
factor, but on the bright side, small tents and leaky caravans again
outperformed more expensive slum developments.

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Piano player:

 Click here

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Phorism: A short, pointed sentence...... expressing a wise or clever
observation or a general truth

. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense.

. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to
become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.

. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?

. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It
could be a right number.

. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like
it.

. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.

. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos?

. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in
a Corvette than in a
Smart Car.

. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably
dead!!

. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the
ones who mind, don't matter.

. "I'd rather go through life sober believing I'm an alcoholic, than go
through life drunk, trying to prove I'm not."

. "Occasionally let your mind wander; it knows how to get home."

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10 Features of The Company Car:

. Accelerates at a phenomenal rate. . Has a much shorter braking distance
than the private car. .
Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars. . The battery,
radiator water, oil and tyres never have to be checked. . It can be driven
up to 100 ks with the oil warning light flashing. .
It needs cleaning less often than private cars. . The suspension is
reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and
other building material. . Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily
eliminated by turning up the radio. . It needs no security system and may
be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition. . It is
especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on
remote beaches.

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Pilots' Wisdom:

* Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the
stick back, they get smaller.
That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get
bigger again.
* Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
* It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
there wishing you were down here.
* The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
* The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the
pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
sweating.
* When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with
the sky.
* A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing
is one after which they can use the plane again.
* Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all
of them yourself.
* You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi
to the ramp.
* The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of
arrival. Large angle of arrival,
small probability of survival and vice-versa.
* Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five
minutes earlier.
* Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might
be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also
report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
* Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of
take offs you've made.
* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately
no one knows what they are.
* You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The
trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
* Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
* If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and
round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
* In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of
miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet
to lose.
* Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually
comes from bad judgment.
* It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as
possible.
* Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
* Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not
subject to repeal.
* The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
* There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no
old, bold pilots.

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Funny YouTube Prank Vids:

Invisible Headshot

 Click here

Kid is Too Short for Urinal

 Click here

Hairy Day At The Beach

 Click here

Just for laughs gags - Hairy Pits

 Click here

Just for laughs gags - The Invisible Bump

 Click here

Just for laughs gags - The Invisible Bump

Just for laughs gags - Skirt Drop

 Click here

Just For Laughs - Powerful Peeing Boy

 Click here

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"Just For Laughs" pranks:

Young Japanese Girl Turns Into Old Man

 Click here

People Eating Copy Machine Prank

 Click here

Falling Worker Prank

 Click here

Hand on BBQ Prank

 Click here

Girl Mechanic Prank

 Click here

Kid Trapped In Machine Prank

 Click here

Groom Gives Ticket Prank

 Click here

Just For Laughs: Bank Robbers

 Click here

Naked Video Prank

 Click here

Monster Kid Prank

 Click here

Firefighter In Car Prank

 Click here

Snot Palm Reader Gag

 Click here

Free Garbage Drink Prank

 Click here

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It works like this:

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting

He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know
that he would not be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I
have a last-minute meeting.
Leave without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p. m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at
the Pub across the road. You drove, you idiot."

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The Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson

. "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with
fake IDs."

. "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

. "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you
had an electrified fooling machine."

. "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to
learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

. "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet,
they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

. "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

. "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I
think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

. "I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you
through life:

o Number one, 'Cover for me.'

o Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'

o Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'

. "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

. "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear
Baby, Welcome to
Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

. "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time.
Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight."

. "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn't, it's that
girls should stick to girls sports,
such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

. "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who
gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?

. We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those
Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did
you?"

. "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're
making a scene.'"

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Shuttle c*ckpit:

I'm still looking for the ON switch. LNAV, VNAV. Give me a break.!!!!!!

What could possibly go wrong?

Just click on picture and move the mouse in any direction to scan. Don't
forget to look at the ceiling!
So many buttons, so little time!

 Click here

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SO YOU WANNA BE AN ITALIAN ?????xxx

 Click here

FUHGEDABBOUDIT!!!

bada bing  bada boom

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SENIORS IN FLORIDA!!!

 Click here Click here Click here

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two elderly ladies are sitting on a front porch in Ocala , doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do
about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' After a few
moments, the first old lady asks,

'Who drives you to the beach?'

**********************************************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in
Miami reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with
her hands, the length and thickness of a cuc*mber she could buy for a
penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and
cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for
a penny a piece..

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about.

**********************************************************

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida
Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the
bench. After a few moments, the woman asks,
'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here several years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?' 'In prison,' he says. 'Why did they
put you in prison?' He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my
wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?'

**********************************************************

Two elderly people lived in a Del Webb community, he was a widower and she
a widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went
on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage
to ask her, 'Will you marry me?' After about six seconds of 'careful
consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!' The meal ended and, with a
few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next
morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a
faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he
inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you
say 'No?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart.'
Then she continued 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't
remember who had asked me.'

**********************************************************

A man was tellinghis neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art. It's
perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

**********************************************************

Ice Cream Parlor

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream
parlor in St Petersburg , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a
stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'

**********************************************************

Life is short!

Break the rules!

Forgive quickly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably And never regret anything
that made you smile.
The best things in life are free, until the government finds out and taxes
them.

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Wanna See Something "Cute":

 Click here


See the eye movement.

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The Proper Way To Conduct A Police Pursuit... in South Africa:

 Click here

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You've been Re-Called to Active Duty:

 Click here

TO MY EMAIL FRIENDS WHO ARE FORMER MILITARY: WHICH OF THESE PHOTOS DO YOU
THINK
FITS YOU BEST? TO MY OTHER EMAILS CONTACTS: ENJOY@!@!!!@!@!@

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE AS SOON AS I FIND MY TEETH!

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Definition of DUI:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

The Definition of DUI

Now here's a hard core drinker and one tough Dodge truck.

The driver hit and sheared off the light post, and then kept driving about
two miles to a bar, where he stopped for more beer! How impaired do you
have to be to NOT notice that you are carrying a street light? (I wonder if
the light was green?) The truck was towed about 2.5 miles to the towing
yard, with the light still pinched between the two tow hooks and the bumper
bent around it. It took several good hard pulls with a backhoe to get the
pole free.

Now that's what you call drunk driving!

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This months Idiot....:

 Click here


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Presents for the Real Man.........

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Police M/C Rodeo in Grand Prairie:

 Click here

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PRICELESS!!

Here is a great story without a word being said, apart from the very end.


A GERMAN TOURIST JUMPED IN THE FREEZING WATER AND SAVED MY PRECIOUS LITTLE
DOG.
UPON GETTING BACK ON THE BRIDGE, HE CHECKED MY PUPPIE OUT AND TOLD ME,
"ZE DOG IS OK. HE VILL BE FINE."
Due to his selfless heroic act, I ASKED, "ARE YOU A VET?"
HE REPLIED,
"VET? I'M F*CKING SOAKED!"

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Latest Motorcycle Accessory:

 Click here

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That piece of meat - Sermon by Father Denzil O'Hara:

 Click here

During a Sunday Service in church, Father Denzil O'Hara's sermon was as
follows:

"Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Today I want to talk about a Piece of MEAT.

Yes..... THAT Piece  of MEAT!! Sometimes strong and hard, sometimes loose.

That Piece of MEAT that separates brothers and sisters!!!!! Men and Women.
!!

That Piece of MEAT that causes husbands and wives to divorce!!

That Piece of MEAT that causes hatred and jealousy between brothers.!!

That Piece of MEAT that causes women to fight with women,

It is that Piece of MEAT that is sometimes outside and sometimes more
inside than outside!!

Beloved brothers and sisters,

It is that Piece of MEAT that can give so much pain, but it also  brings a
lot of unbelievable pleasure!!

Beloved Brothers and  Sisters, that's the Piece of MEAT, I want to talk to
you about.......

Which is .... Dear Brothers & sisters,

THE TONGUE !!

It may not be what you think!

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Gyno's Hand after 30 Years of Work XX:

 Click here Click here

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I like this one for your children or grandchildren:

 Click here Click here Click here

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about

eleven (11) things they did not and will not learn in school.

SCARY!!!!!!!

He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings

created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and

how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.

The world will expect you to accomplish something

BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.

You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both..

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.

Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:

They called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault,

so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring

as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,

cleaning your clothes and listening to you

talk about how cool you thought you were

So before you save the rain forest

from the parasites of your parent's generation,

try delousing the closet in your own room..

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers,

but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades

and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.

*This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters.

You don't get summers off and very few employers

are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.

*Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life.

In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds.

Chances are you'll end up working for one..

If you can read this... Thank a Teacher

And for life and everything you have... Thank God in whatever form he takes
to you!!

Now.... think about this and smile if you agree and please pass this on...
If you don't agree, go stick your head in the sand and take a deep breath!

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New cut price Airline:

 Click here

Could probably go first class on this one! We gotta book early to get on
but it seems worth it.

Currently Santaco are only flying between Mumbai and Capetown but hope to
introduce further services to Australia later this year.

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SLOGANS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS:

 Click here

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company
someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.....

We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union
members!

2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

If at first you don't succeed - try management.

It's only unethical if you get caught.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work harder you slaves!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and
people who don't work here anymore.

Department of Defence: We kill people - so you don't have to!

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos then you probably
haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

Plagiarism saves time.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

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Senior Wisdom:

 Click here

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Cat Acquisition Customer Presentation:

 Click here

The paint scheme on the draglines is interesting

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Subject: Russian Limos... WOW!!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

These put Hollywood to shame!

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Safety Bulletin - Caution with Drink Bottles:
 Click here

Please read this one.

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South American nature Study: XXXXX

 Click here

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Geography Lesson for the Day:

 Click here

That concludes our Geography Lesson for the Day!

Thank you and please pass on this valuable knowledge.

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Motivationals:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Even more Motivationals:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Living Will:

 Click here

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AUSTRALIA'S OWN - Our new car.......:

 Click here

New from GMH The 2011 Gillard-Goose (available only in Australia)

This car runs on hot air, taxes and more taxes, bullsh*t and broken
promises.

It has right-hand drive and three wheels that speed the vehicle through
tight right turns. It comes complete with two Teleprompters, programmed to
help the occupants talk their way out of any violations.

Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL

It won't get you to work, but hey, there soon won't be any jobs anyway.

Available shortly will be a second model known as the SWAN however economy
trials indicate that it uses far too much fuel. A third model in the
line-up is the BBROWN however continuing problems with exhaust blockages
remain unresolved.

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Clarke and Dawe -Carbon_Tax:

 Click here

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Bingo Game:

It's the Gillard Bullsh*t Bingo game.

Here is something to help make Gillard's speeches almost tolerable. Just
print this page, distribute it to friends, and listen to her next speech
(be sure to read directions at the bottom).

LET ME BE CLEAR

WE WILL BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE

THIS HISTORIC OCCASION

MOVING FORWARD

I'VE SAID TIME AND TIME AGAIN

I CAN'T ANSWER THAT QUESTION, BUT WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS THIS

THE AUSTRALIAN PEOPLE WILL DECIDE

THERE ARE THOSE WHO SAY

WE WILL SET UP A OFF SHORE PROCESSING CENTRE IN EAST TIMOR

INHERITED FROM THE PREVIOUS GOVERNMENT

BACK FROM THE BRINK

UNPRECEDENTED CHALLENGES

BACK FROM THE BRINK

IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO

THE RIGHT FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY

WE WILL BE BACK IN SURPLUS BY 2012

WE WILL SETTLE FOR NOTHING LESS THAN TOTAL TRANSPARENCY

THE RIGHT MIX AND BALANCE

THIS IS GAME CHANGER

RESTORE OUR REPUTATION

THERE WILL BE NO CARBON TAX UNDER A GILLARD LABOR GOVERNMENT

ACHIEVE GOOD OUTCOMES

ADDRESS ENVIRONMENTAL CONCERNS

THE BIGGEST ECONOMIC CHALLENGE SINCE THE GREAT DEPRESSION

THIS GOVERNMENT HAS CREATED THOUSANDS OF NEW JOBS

Rules for Bullsh*t Bingo:
1. Before Julia Gillard's next televised speech, print your "Bullsh*t
Bingo"
2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those
words/phrases.
3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand
up and shout "BULLSH*T!"

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Earthcaire - Looking After Your Welfare:

This is no joke - The Big Con Game contiues .............

Earhcaire - Look it up - it exists as a company! Click here

The issue of climate change seems to attract all kinds of unusual
characters, from all areas of the political and social spectrums.

Some are no doubt sincere. Others, well, let's just say their claims seem a
little confusing.

Which brings us to Earthcaire, a company that "seeks to inspire diligent
stewardship of our atmosphere and aims to engage the global community
positively and constructively in prevailing climate challenges".

It plans to sell the air above Australian landmarks, including the Sydney
Opera House. Customers can expect to pay $100 for "certificates of special
interest" or up to $1000 for "platinum certificates".

Exactly how this does anything to help the environment is unclear. Here's a
better idea. Go to the
Opera House and catch some air in a jar. There. You've saved $100.

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They Won:

I don't know what and don't really care. XXX

 Click here

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Graphics to explain the basics:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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That's all from Bluehaze for another week!

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[ End friday humour ]

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