Friday humour - July 15, 2011

From Burnout @ Bluehaze.

From: Burnout
Subject: Miss Me Yet?

 Click here

Miss me yet?
That change you wanted - how's it going?


From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: Two old drunks
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,

"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even
using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried
really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."


From: Anonymous
Subject: Blonde wanting special shoes

A young blonde woman was driving through south Louisiana while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way,
but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my
own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a
sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try? "The
blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same
young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he
brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly
toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the
creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead
'gators', all lying belly up

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde
struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her
eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, “ CR*P! THIS ONE'S


From: Anonymous3
Subject: What a mess!

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in
their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers
strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and
there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even
bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded
against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the
family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the
counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor,
a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by
the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that
something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the
bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, sc*mmy soap and
more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and
toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed
in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked
how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from
work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'


From: Anonymous
Subject: '3D' / creative genius

This is amazing stuff

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here


From: Anonymous
Subject: Whatcha doin'?

 Photo: Close-up of a duck
 target=_blank>Click here


From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Subject: My Contribution

Yes, I know that this should be pronounced as Gock rather than Goff or Go -
but this just wouldn't work would it!!!!

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes---------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------------- Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle ------------------------------------ Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ------------------------------------------ A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------------- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach -------------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle --------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ----------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ----------------------------------------- Flaming Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin ---------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ----------------------- Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ----------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV ------------ Winnie Bay Gogh

. . . there ya Gogh!


From: Diks
Subject: Best Joke In 2011

*Best Joke In 2011*

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the
devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is
finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she
writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to
call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took
over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."


From: Johnny Green
Subject: Hey - Check your shampoo!

I should have figured it out sooner.
It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND
I have binned the shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish
Problem solved!
Geeze! It sure pays to read the label!


From: Johnny Green
Subject: This is quite amazing............

Gotta say it's not bad obviously the database is expanded by the reader 
but it got Vlad the Impaler pretty quickly.

Struck a blank with Edward Hargraves though added him so presume that's how
it works¦

Anyhow, it's more interesting than the State of Orgasm Origin:

OK, JK.......................I can't figure out how it works
....................but it works!!!

Try this it is quite amazing

It  works it out EVERY  time. We-e-ellll - almost

Think of someone who is famous before answering the questions.

 Click here


From: Johnny Green
Subject: Architects v Builders  (X)

I think this is very funny.

Delete if language offends!

 Click here


From: Johnny Green
Subject: Pity this one ran out of date so soon...

"Hi, I am afraid I am unable to answer my mobile phone at the moment but if
you leave me a message, The News of the World will send it to me later."


From: Johnny Green
Subject: Carbon Trading ...(Timely, I suppose. ED)

I am sending this on to you with the previous recipients listed.  You can
see that I have managed to get onto one serious email list with all those

If I just disappear one night - immediately blame the green/labor party!

From: Robert Holmes []
Sent: Thursday, 7 July 2011 5:36 PM
To: Alick Else; Barb Few Few; Diane Diggles; Fester; Irene Lewis; Jason
Galavin; JBC CARS;;;
Ken Stegeman;; Maree Burrows; Mick Holmes; Mike;
Rex Soward;;; Steve
Murphy; Tony Skewes Skewes;; Jill Holmes
Subject: Fwd: Carbon Trading ...

Begin forwarded message:



Bit of a long read but very informative !!!

CARBON TRADING FIASCO  by someone who should know - T.L. Cardwell

The Editor

The Morning Bulletin.(Rockhampton)

I have sat by for a number of years frustrated at  the rubbish being put
forth about carbon dioxide emissions, thermal coal fired power stations and
renewable energy and the ridiculous Emissions Trading Scheme.

Frustration at the lies told (particularly during the  election) about
Global Pollution.

Using Power Station cooling towers for an example. The condensation coming
from those cooling towers is as pure as that that comes out of any kettle.

Frustration about the so-called incorrectly named  man-made 'carbon
Emissions's which of course is Carbon Dioxide emissions and what it is
supposedly doing to our Planet.

Frustration about the lies told about renewable energy and the deliberate
distortion of renewable energy and its ability to replace fossil fuel
energy generation.
And frustration at the ridiculous carbon credit programme which is beyond

And further frustration at some members of the  public who have not got a
clue about thermal Power Stations or Renewable Energy. Quoting  ridiculous
figures about something they clearly have little or no knowledge of.

First coal fired power stations do NOT send 60 to  70% of the energy up the
chimney. The boilers of modern power station are 96% efficient and the
exhaust heat is captured by the economisers and reheaters that heat the air
and water before entering the boilers.

The very slight amount exiting the stack is moist  as in condensation and
CO2. There is virtually no fly ash because this is removed by the
precipitators or bagging plant that are 99.98% efficient. The 4% lost is
heat through boiler wall convection.

Coal-fired Power Stations are highly efficient with  very little heat loss
and can generate a massive amount of energy for our needs. They can
generate  power at efficiency of less than 10,000 b.t.u. per kilowatt and
cost-wise that is very low.

The percentage cost of mining and freight is  very low. The total cost of
fuel is 8% of total generation cost and does NOT constitute a  major
production cost. As for being laughed out of the country, China is building
multitudes of coal-fired power stations because they are the most efficient
for bulk power generation.

We have, like, the USA, coal-fired power stations because we HAVE the raw
materials And are VERY fortunate to have them. Believe  me no one is
laughing at Australia - Exactly the reverse, they are very envious of our
raw materials and Independence.
The major percentage of power in Europe and  U.K. Is nuclear because they
don't have the coal supply for the future.

Yes it would be very nice to have clean, quiet, cheap energy in bulk
supply. Everyone agrees that it would be ideal. You don't have to be a 
genius to work that out. But there is only one problem---It doesn't exist.

Yes - there are wind and solar generators being  built all over the world
but they only add a small amount to the overall power demand. The maximum
size wind generator is 3 Megawatts, which can rarely be attained on a
continuous basis because it requires substantial forces of wind. And  for
the same reason only generate when there is sufficient wind to drive them.
This of course depends where they are located but usually they only run for
45% -65% of the time, mostly well below maximum capacity. They cannot be
relied on for a 'base load' because they are too variable. And they
certainly could not be used for load control.

The peak load demand for electricity in Australia  is approximately 50,000
Megawatts and Only small part of this comes from the Snowy Hydro Electric
System (the ultimate power Generation) because it is only available when
water is there from snow melt or rain. And yes, they can pump it back but
it costs to do that. (Long Story).

Tasmania is very fortunate in that they have mostly hydro-electric
generation because of their high amounts of snow and rainfall. They also
have wind generators (located in the roaring forties) but that is only a
small amount of total power generated.

Based on an average generating output of 1.5 megawatts  (of unreliable
power) you would require over 33,300 wind generators.

As for solar power generation much research has  been done over the decades
and there are Two types. Solar thermal generation and Solar Electric
generation but in each case they cannot generate large amounts of

Any clean, cheap energy is obviously welcomed but they would NEVER have the
capability of replacing Thermal Power Generation. So get your heads out of
the clouds, do some basic mathematics and look at the facts, - not going
off with the fairies (or some would say the extreme Greenies.)

We are all greenies in one form or another and  care very much about our
Planet. The difference is most of us are realistic. Not in some idyllic
utopia where everything can be made perfect by standing  around holding a
banner and being a general pain in the backside.

Here are some facts that will show how ridiculous  this financial madness
is that the government is following. Do the simple maths and see for 

According to the 'believers' the CO2 in air has  risen from .034% to .038%
in air over the last 50 years.
To put the percentage of Carbon Dioxide in air in  a clearer perspective;
If you had a room 12 ft x 12 ft x 7 ft or 3.7 mtrs x  3.7 mtrs x 2.1 mtrs,
The area carbon dioxide would occupy in that room would be .25m x .25m x
.17m or the size of a large packet of cereal.

Australia emits 1% of the world's total carbon Dioxide and the government
wants to reduce this by 20% or reduce emissions by 0.2 % of  the world's
total CO2 emissions.

What effect will this have on existing CO2 levels? By their own figures
they state the CO2 in air has risen from .034% to .038% in 50 years.

Assuming this is correct, the world CO2 has increased in 50 years by .004%.
Per year that is .004 divided by 50 =.00008%. (Getting confusing - but stay
with me).
Of that because we only contribute 1% our emissions would cause CO2 to rise
.00008 divided by 100 = .0000008%.  Of that 1%, we supposedly emit, the
governments wants to reduce it by 20% which is 1/5th of .0000008  =
.00000016% effect per year they would have on the world CO2 emissions based
on their own figures.

That would equate to an area in the same room, as the size of a small pin.
For that they have gone crazy with the ridiculous trading schemes, Solar
and Roofing Installations, Clean Coal Technology, Renewable Energy, etc,

How ridiculous it that? The cost to the general public and industry will be
enormous. Cripple and even closing some smaller businesses.

T.L. Cardwell

To the Editor,

I thought I should clarify. I spent 25 years in the Electricity Commission
of NSW working, commissioning and operating  the various power units. My
last was the 4 X 350 MW

Munmorah Power Stations near Newcastle.

I would be pleased to supply you any information you may require.


From: Johnny Green
Subject: Crazy Diver from Old (1951) Frank Sinatra Show

Have never seen it - loved it - esp. the little touches like the electric

Crazy Diver from Old (1951That's not so old!) Frank Sinatra Show

From a 1951 Frank Sinatra TV show. If you've never seen it, you're in for a
treat (and a spelling/punctuation lesson).  If you have seen it, you get to
watch it again here:

 Click here


From: Johnny Green
Subject: Why Everyone Should Have a Dog

1¼ minutes of fun, if you haven't seen it!

 Click here


From: Johnny Green
Subject: eBay Scam Alert - well worth reading

eBay Scam Alert

Be careful what you purchase on eBay.

A friend spent $50 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent a magnifying glass.

Instructions said don't use in the sunlight.


From: Johnny Green
Subject: Reaching new heights in mediocrity!

 Click here

Not sure why I'm sending this but seems like a fun club to be in, photos
and inches cart very interesting - I think he means chart.


From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Yool luv this one.

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?' Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.


From: Tommo963
Subject: I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me
New Accountant

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an
accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a
small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm
looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to
worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small
business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."


From: Tommo963
Subject: Country song titles

Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here
are some entries:

- Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out

- You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa

- Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart

- I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day

- She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me

- The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long

- Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi

- I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf

- Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy

And a few humorous ones from other ones form other sites:

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?

All My Exes Live in Texas

If the Phone Don't Ring, It's Me Not Calling You Up

All the Guys Who Turn Me On Turn Me Down

If Love were Oil, I'd be a Quart Low

Her Teeth were Stained, but her Heart was Pure

At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self-Service Pump

How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?

I Wish I Were a Woman (So I Could Go Out With a Guy Like Me)

It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me

I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

I Sat Down On a Beartrap (Just This Morning)

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

Gave Her My Heart And a Diamond And She Clubbed Me With a Spade

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms

It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long

If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure

It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad

I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

C'mon Down off the Stove, Granny, You're Too Old to Ride the Range

Don't Cry On My Shoulders Cause Your Rustin' My Spurs

Don't Run Through The Screen Door Honey You'll Only Strain Yourself

Forget the Night, Help Me Make It Through the Door

From The Indies To The Andes In His Undies

I Can't Love Your Body if Your Heart's Not In It

If Money Talks, It Ain't On Speaking Terms With Me

If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

I Just Couldn't Leave Her Behind Alone

I Just Fell In Something and I Sure Hope It's Love

I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield of Life

I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

I'm Sorry I Made You Cry, But At Least Your Face Is Cleaner

I Only Have Eyes For You, But Look What I've Got For Your Sister

My Sweet Tooth Says I Wanna, But My Wisdom Tooth Says

Now I lay Me Down To Cheat

Peekin' Through the Knothole In Grandma's Wooden Leg

Since You Bought The Waterbed We've Slowly Drifted Apart


From: Tommo963
Subject: Mother Teresa and God

Mother Teresa and God

When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly
Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they
began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down
into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters,
pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was
tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of
Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She
couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful
to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led.
But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in
Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand

God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, "for just two people, it
doesn't pay to cook."


From: Tommo963

Medical Term Needed

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the
house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell
me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."


From: Tommo963
Subject: Some very amusing TV Pranks from a TV Series called "Just For

Some very amusing TV Pranks from a TV Series called "Just For Laughs"

Real Life Superman

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Girl Disappears Under Umbrella

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Instant Writer at Book Signing

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Instant Photo Album

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here &feature=relmfu

Lick Sushi Prank

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Kissing Blind Woman Prank

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Cracked Ankle Prank

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Drowning Baptism Prank

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Insane Pink Blonde Girl Prank

 Click here
Click here

Telekinesis Prank

 Click here
Click here
ndex=15> &feature=BFa&list=ULqM56UBlqyz8&index=15

Breaking Dishes On Fake Mirror Prank

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Kite Broken Window Prank

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Carnivorous Plant Eats Puppy

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Sold Grandma Prank

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Epic Old Man - Child's Play Prank

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Blind Man Burned House Prank

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Sinking Canoe Prank

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Just For Laughs - Blind Race

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Good Night Mattress Prank

 Click here

Automatic Walker Prank

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Cyclist Loses Kid Gag

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Impossibly Quick Growing Tree Gag

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Octopus Attack Prank

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Exploding Portable Toilet

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Bus Driving Grim Reaper

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here &feature=relmfu

Instant Touristic Attraction

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

S*xy Sunbathing Nun

 Click here

Policeman Hide and Seek Gag

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here


From: Tommo963
Subject: Mountain Bike Skills and excitement and The Australian Finke
Desert Race

Danny MacAskill is a very talented bloke on a bicycle. " Way Back Home" is
the incredible new riding clip from Danny MacAskill, it follows him on a
journey from Edinburgh back to his hometown Dunvegan, in the Isle of Skye.
The music is Loch Lomond "Wax and Wire" and The Jezabels "A Little Piece".

Click here

 Click here

The 2010 Red Bull Rampage. Twenty-one of mountain biking's best riders
threw down all they had while battling wild weather in Utah last year.
There were some spectacular gap jumps, incredibly steep drops and bike
tricks that didn't always go to plan, see some of the action that took

Click here

 Click here

The Finke Desert Race

The Finke Start/Finish Line 14 kilometres south of Alice (Northern
Territory, Australia) marks the beginning of a punishing 230 kilometre dash
from the shadows of the MacDonnell Ranges along the edge of the Simpson
Desert, across the dry bed of the Finke River and into the up until now
quiet community of Apatula.

For the "Highlights Package - 2011 Tattersall's Finke Desert Race (SSTV)"
video click here Click here
Click here
ndex=18> &feature=BFa&list=ULXtUV92ySis0&index=18


From: Whizzbang
Subject: Something to offend everyone

My neighbour pops his head over the fence again and says, "I want you to
kill my wife for me, I'll pay you $10,000." I accept, telling him all it
will take is one bullet, just below the left tit. He looks at me and says,
"I want her dead - not f*cking knee-capped!"

 Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black
orphans. I said, "F*ck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"

 I found my dyslexic mate covering his d*ck with boot polish on the early
hours of Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight saving.. I said, "You
idiot! You're supposed to turn you clock back!"

 Not half bad. Japanese farmers reckon they're doing it tough? BULLSH*T! I
seen one farm on TV and the pr*ck had two huge boats and about 20 cars in
his front yard!

 What's the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn't claim benefits,
had his own f*cking bike and wanted to go home!

 A guy gets a call from the police telling his house was robbed. The
offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A
moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they f*cked my
wife after only five cans!"

 Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house
for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my c*ck.
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"

Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door
open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back,
I really should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every

 God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and s*x
if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he'll try. God visits him a
week later to see how he's getting on. "Not bad" says the man, "I've given
up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to
f*ck her up the ar*e." "They don't like that sort of thing in Heaven" said
The man replied, "They're not too f*cking happy about it in Woolworths

 Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got
locked up for punching the f*ck out of this bloke at a party. In my
defence... when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick

How does every ethnic joke start? With a look over your shoulder.

What do you call a nigger with a stutter? Cocoon.

 My wife just came in to me and said, "I don't know if I am coming or
going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going -
'cos when you're coming, you look like a f*cking Down Syndrome kid trying
to whistle!"

 I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some
money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny - spooky or what?

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think
about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the
right answer.


From: Whizzbang

You could play this all day

Sure Beats Solitaire

 Click here


From: Whizzbang


 Click here


Kids are putting Drano, tin foil, and a little water in soda bottles
And capping it up - leaving it on lawns.  When you go to pick up the trash,
And the bottle is shaken just a little - in about 30 seconds or less it
Builds up a gas and explodes with enough force to remove some of your
Extremities.  The liquid that comes out is boiling hot as well.

Don't pick up any plastic bottles that may be lying in your yards or In the
gutter, etc. Pay attention to this.  A plastic bottle with a  cap.
Little Drano.  A little water.  A small piece of foil..  Disturb it by
Moving it; and BOOM!!  No fingers left and other serious effects to your
Face, eyes, Etc.

People are finding these "bombs" in mailboxes and in their yards, Just
waiting for you to pick it up intending to put it in the trash.  But,
You'll never make it!!! It takes about 30 seconds to blow after you move
the Thing.


From: Allnutts
Subject: Three good reasons to quit drinking - or maybe not!

 Click here


From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd:

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Dog That Cornered Osama Bin Laden

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... not your standard K9...nor is the gear

When President Obama went to Fort Campbell, Kentucky for a highly
publicized, but very private meeting with the commando team that killed
Osama bin Laden, only one of the 81 members of the super-secret
SEAL DevGru unit was identified by name: Cairo, the war dog.
Cairo, like most canine members of the elite U.S. Navy SEALs, is a Belgian
Malinois. The Malinois breed is similar to German shepherds but smaller and
more compact, with an adult male weighing in the 30-kilo range.

German shepherds are still used as war dogs by the American military but
the lighter, stubbier Malinois is considered better for the tandem
parachute jumping and rappelling operations often undertaken by SEAL teams.
Labrador retrievers are also favoured by various military organizations
around the world

Like their human counterparts, the dog SEALs are highly trained, highly
skilled, highly motivated special ops experts, able to perform
extraordinary military missions by SEa, Air and Land (thus the acronym).
The dogs carry out a wide range of specialized duties for the military
teams to which they are attached: With a sense of smell 40 times greater
than a human’s, the dogs are trained to detect and identify both
explosive material and hostile or hiding humans.
The dogs are twice as fast as a fit human, so anyone trying to escape is
not likely to outrun Cairo or his buddies.

The dogs, equipped with video cameras, also enter certain danger zones
first, allowing their handlers to see what’s ahead before humans follow.
As I mentioned before, SEAL dogs are even trained parachutists, jumping
either in tandem with their handlers or solo, if the jump is into water.
Last year canine parachute instructor Mike Forsythe and his dog Cara set
the world record for highest man-dog parachute deployment, jumping from
more than 30,100 feet up — the altitude transoceanic passenger jets fly
Both Forsythe and Cara were wearing oxygen masks and skin protectors for
the jump.
Here’s a photo from that jump, taken by Andy Anderson for K9 Storm Inc.
(more about those folks shortly).

As well, the dogs are faithful, fearless and ferocious — incredibly
frightening and efficient attackers.
I have seen it reported repeatedly that the teeth of SEAL war dogs are
replaced with titanium implants that are stronger, sharper and
scare-your-pants-off intimidating, but a U.S. Military spokesman has denied
that charge, so I really don’t know (never having seen a canine SEAL
face-to-face). I do know that I’ve never seen a photo of a war dog with
anything even vaguely resembling a set of shiny metal chompers.
When the SEAL DevGru team (usually known by its old designation, Team 6)
hit bin Laden’s Pakistan compound on May 2, Cairo’s feet would have
been four of the first on the ground.
And like the human SEALs, Cairo was wearing super-strong, flexible body
Armour and outfitted with high-tech equipment that included “doggles”
— specially designed and fitted dog googles with night-vision and
infrared capability that would even allow Cairo to see human heat forms
through concrete walls.
Now where on earth would anyone get that kind of incredibly niche hi-tech
doggie gear?
From Winnipeg, of all places.
Jim and Glori Slater’s Manitoba hi-tech mom-and-pop business, K9 Storm
Inc., has a deserved worldwide reputation for designing and manufacturing
probably the best body Armour available for police and military dogs.
Working dogs in 15 countries around the world are currently protected by
their K9 Storm body Armour.

Click here
 Click here

Jim Slater was a canine handler on the Winnipeg Police Force when he
crafted a Kevlar protective jacket for his own dog, Olaf, in the mid-1990s.
Soon Slater was making body Armour for other cop dogs, then the Canadian
military and soon the world.
The standard K9 Storm vest also has a load-bearing harness system that
makes it ideal for tandem rappelling and parachuting.

And then there are the special hi-tech add-ons that made the K9 Storm
especially appealing to the U.S. Navy SEALs, who bought four of K9 Storm
Inc.’s top-end Intruder “canine tactical assault suits” last year for
$86,000. You can be sure Cairo was wearing one of those four suits when he
jumped into bin Laden’s lair.
Here’s an explanation of all the K9 Storm Intruder special features:

Just as the Navy SEALS and other elite special forces are the sharp point
of the American military machine, so too are their dogs at the top of a
canine military heirarchy.
In all, the U.S. military currently has about 2,800 active-duty dogs
deployed around the world, with roughly 600 now in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Several of the photos I have included here are from Foreign Policy, as you
will see. Other photos are from K9 Storm Inc.

Click here
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From: Anonymous
Subject: What's up?

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Chinook recovery of Australian Navy Diver Team

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This is an incredible bit of flying....
Chinook recovery of Australian Navy Diver Team:
Attached is a rarely seen perspective: a video of an Australian Navy Diver
extraction, was filmed from inside an MH-47 Chinook helicopter. The pilot
has lowered the ramp, dipped the tail end into the water to partially flood
the compartment (a manoeuvre that requires precise flying) and awaits the
Navy Divers to board in their F470 Zodiac.


From: Anonymous
Subject: We are getting 'there'

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fetch em yourself - they are your teeth.jpg


From: Anonymous
Subject: Instructions

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From: Burnout
Subject: Ol Spice
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Subject: Smell testing

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From: Dianne
Subject: Fwd: Companion

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+++ Time: 20110707095721
+++ From: Dianne +++ Subject: Fwd: Punjabi Idol +++ File links:
 Click here
+++ Content:


Subject: Fwd: Cheap Flights

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This must be one of those "cheap flights, cheap flights, flights for 50p"


From: Diks
Subject: Morons at work

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Unusual photos

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: when u have nothing else to do in Dublin

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Great Stuff. Turn on the speakers please.



From: Johnny Green
Subject: Words fail me

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A marvellous idea for a kite at Bondi at Festival of the Winds (no pun
intended) this year.

Words fail me?


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Got me!

Look at the picture before you read the caption at the bottom. No cheating.
It's the awkward moment ...

The awkward moment when your friend's fat arm makes you look naked !!!!


From: Liz
Subject: How animals cool off

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: A real Grey Nomad

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Thinking of doing "The Big One".............

A Greenie-Grey Nomad actually.

All it needs is solar panels on the roof to charge the batteries on the
"prime mover" "


From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Randy Accountant

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Will she put in a compo claim for repetitive strain injury?



From: Tommo963
Subject:  This is why MEN have a shorter lifespan!!!!!!!

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Shorter Lives

This is why MEN have a shorter lifespan!!!!!!!

Oh wait, no it's probably just the stupidity factor.

 Click here

 Click here

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From: Tommo963
Subject: How to repair anything

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Confucius say ....

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  Confucius say

"Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner,   if she stops sucking, replace
the bag."


From: Whizzbang
Subject: White Man Went Wrong!!!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Mrs. Brown explains Best Friends .

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Mrs. Brown explains Best Friends


From: Whizzbang

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  I just bought a Guard Dog for our House...

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 Click here Click here

The ad was for a Retired German “SPECIAL OPS” Sheppard dog in
need of a good home with a Loving family.

I got a dog to guard our house. It was a little more than I thought I
should pay but
I think when word gets out we'll be a relatively crime free neighborhood.


From: Whizzbang

Go to this site and use calculator and work out how much better off you
will be from the carbon tax

You little ripper Julia I will be $63 out of pocket each year.


From: Whizzbang
Subject:  National Geographic photos

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Today's humour: sound only

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  New QLD cop car

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Yes!  Finally a vehicle to chase the Mexicans out of Queensland!!

The car was built by the Police Garage at Alderley

You would not want to be wearing a Blue Jersey when pulled up by this

 Click here

 Click here


From: anonymous

Subject: Carbon Tax

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+++ Content:

Subject: Carbon Tax

Carbon Tax.

First, Carbon.

Carbon is the 15th most abundant element in the Earth's crust and the
fourth most abundant element in the universe by mass after hydrogen,
helium, and oxygen. It is present in all known life forms, and in the human
body carbon is the second most abundant element by mass (about 18.5%) after
oxygen. This abundance, together with the unique diversity of organic
compounds and their unusual polymer-forming ability at the temperatures
commonly encountered on Earth, make this element the chemical basis of all
known life.

Now Tax.

Tax is the most abundant element removed from the wallets of all good and
hard-working people around the Earth and the entire universe and cheeses
people off far more than all the hydrogen, helium and oxygen put together.
It is present in all known life forms, goods, services, whether organic or
not making it the financial pain in the butt of all known life.

So what can be worse than tax? Yes, carbon tax! How can you tax the
chemical basis of all known life? The whole thing is a sick joke, we're all
going to be ripped off and there's a politician here in Australia who
wholeheartedly agrees. And how!

Who voted for these Moron's?


From: anonymous

Subject:  Why men die before women

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 Click here Click here Click here

Subject: Why men die before women


It's not because they want to.


From: anonymous

Subject:  Ice Fishing-Incredible

Feeling peckish for some fresh seafood?????

Try this - it doesn't get much fresher

  target=_blank>Click here
 Click here


From: anonymous
Subject:  A whale lives!  . . .

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From: anonymous
Subject:  Health Message!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing .. yet lives for 450 years.



Quote of the Week:

The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure
without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character;
business without morality; science without humanity; and worship without

- Mohandas K. Gandhi

[ End friday humour ]

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