Friday humour - July 01, 2011

From: Biggus
Engineers' Conversion Table

You scientific types will especially appreciate this one; it is pretty
heavy scientific stuff... converting units:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circ*mference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoar*epower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Politicians = Not 1 decision


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From: Burnout
Two Dogs eating Dinner
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Nobody wants to see that...
 Click here

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From: Diks
Vance AFB Video
THIS'LL GET YOUR BLOOD PUMPIN'!!!!!!!!

Volume up to enjoy the music
 target=_blank>Click here

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From: Diks
West Virginia Boy
A good ole West Virginia boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He
brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a
boat within 100 miles of here." He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep
it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and
asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind
the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a
bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field.
He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing."
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from ""West
Virginia"" a bad name,makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim,
I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

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From: Johnny Green
Little Richard
How good is this?
"Little Richard" as a child performer

This is amazing to see. It's Richard Wayne Penniman (aka Little Richard)
about fifteen years before "Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy...."  A-whop bop-a-lu
bop
a-whop bam boom!

... from some movie with Van Johnson ..
 Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex
Italian landslide in action...it really happened...

Amazing and frightening...
Italian landslide in action...it really happened
Really an amazing sight...
This is not a "Mud Slide" but a "Land Slide"

You may have all heard about the recent (February 16/10) landslides in
Italy. But up to now I have never seen one as it was happening. Use the
link below and you will see a whole hillside in an Italian residential
neighborhood slowly slide away taking grown trees with it...

 Click here

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From: Liz
1940's Aircraft Carrier Color Video...(VERY Rare) 1940's Air Aircraft
Carrier in the Pacific - Rare color footage. This is 16mm color (not
"colorized") footage that you may not have seen of carrier action in the
Pacific.

Not many color shots in the '40's - extremely expensive then, with a
complicated and exacting processing process.
 Click here


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From: Liz
Beautiful Iguasu Falls in Brazil
From a helicopter. Don't get dizzy! Do full screen for best effect.
 Click here


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From: Liz
My travels
I've been to a lot of places but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've never been in Cognito either.  I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport... you have to be
driven there.  I've made several trips.


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From: Liz
A reminder ...
... of just how big the Pacific ocean really is.


 Click here


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From: Liz
 A marvel!

 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Dubai Fountain


To watch the fountain, click on the link below
When it starts, click the "full screen button" at the bottom right of the
"small screen" next to the "speaker/sound button".
Then, just let it run.  Do NOT click on the word NEXT in the upper right
Of the picture square
Be patient and wait for the fountain to do its thing, and listen to the
Gorgeous duet performed by Andre Bocelli and Sarah Brightman

 Click here


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From: Stumpy Steve
The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?"
I replied, "Window or you'll what?"

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From: Tommo963
Facts About Old Men and Women
Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in
dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the
garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she's with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out
the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they
visit antique shops?

A: 'Gee, I have one of these.

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From: Tommo963
Helping Out

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy
tying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the
doorbell is just out of his reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to
the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the
little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans
over and gives the doorbell a ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN!"

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From: Tommo963
How To Get A Life
It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction,
or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful
as kidney stones. Here's how:

- Let go of the mouse.

- Turn off the computer.

- Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

- Eat something other than taco chips.

- Pass wind without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

- Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

- Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,
don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

- Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is
possible).
Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid
damage or permanent sun blindness.

- When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on
welding goggles and go outside.

- If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem
connect sound.

- Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't
have an email address.

- Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with
someone you didn't meet in a chat room.

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From: Tommo963
Some song Parodies and other YouTube stuff
Lady Gaga Telephone Parody
 Click here

TIK TOK KESHA Parody
 Click here

Jersey Shore Parody Song
 Click here

Parody of Miley Cyrus "You'll Look Like Poo"
 Click here

Katy Perry I Kissed A Girl (Parody) -  Elderly Remix
 Click here

Ebay Parody Song - Weird Al Yankovic
 Click here

James Blunt Parody - She Was Beautiful...I Swear (by Kevin Sage)
 Click here

Katy Perry - ET ft. Kanye West (MUSIC VIDEO PARODY)
 Click here

Star Wars Theme Song (Parody)
 Click here

Hilarious comedian sings the wife song (Friends Theme Song Parody)
 Click here

I'm Hugh Jackman (Parody)
 Click here

The Axis of Awesome - Songs To Sing Along To
 Click here

The Axis of Awesome: How to Write a Love Song
 Click here

Axis of Awesome - What Would Jesus Do?
 Click here

Australian accent - How to
 Click here

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From: Tommo963
I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget
Forgiving?

Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My
Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my
Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your
policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and
forgotten."

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From: Whizzbang
Cenesthetic Hallucination.....A little creepy

Takes a little while to load
You  have just gotta try this!!!  Make sure you look at the image for a
full 30 seconds before looking at your hand!

Okay,  this is downright weird. Don't be suspicious,  nothing is going to
jump out or scream at you. Just  follow the instructions. Wait the entire
30 seconds.

1.- Open the link
2.- Then "click me to get  trippy",
3.- Look at the center of the  screen for 30 seconds, and  then..
4.- Look at your hand holding  the mouse, without moving it away from the
mouse..

NOT  BEFORE!

(it is no joke, it is called  "cenesthetic hallucination")
 Click here


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Natal Curry Contest.
( a golden oldie seen in many forms - but still funny so included )

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
They actually have a curry cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from
America.

Frank:
'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted'.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event.

CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY Judge 1 -- A little too
heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY
Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY Judge 1 --
Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from all the beer.

CURRY 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY Judge 1 -- Black bean curry with
almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge 3 -- I felt something scr*ping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
aphrodisiac?

CURRY 5 - LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli
peppers make a strong statement.

Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli
had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.

CURRY 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe my
ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream.

CURRY 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY Judge 1 -- A mediocre
curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli
peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am
worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably).

Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway.
If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CURRY 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY Judge 1 -- The perfect ending.
This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.

Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor
hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
curry?

Judge 3 - No Report

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From: Burnout
Think quick.....
 Click here

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 From: Burnout
Real Talent....
 Click here

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From: Diks
Fish On,
 Click here
Would this P you off?

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For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle
guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out
places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to
prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle
will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their
feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that
there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . The Colorado ranchers
had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the
Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to
straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden,
intervened with a request that...before any cattle guards were fired, they
be given six months of retraining for Arizona border guards. 'Times are
hard', said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their
families!'
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From: Johnny Green
PLANKING in South Africa
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Electricity Pole Notices
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex
Amazing pictures of Chilean Volcano
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Liz
Self-contained bathroom
 Click here
The arms swing out to reveal storage, a shower, a sink and the toilet.
Ingenious!

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From: Liz
Not an exercise ball
 Click here
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From: Liz
Hunter
 Click here
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From: Liz
Beware mosquitos
 Click here
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From: Liz
British Golf Notice - 1940
 Click here


British Golf Notice - 1940
You have to hand it to the Brits, when it comes to golf.
And, you thought you were a tough weather golfer.
This notice posted in war-torn Britain in 1940 for golfers with stiff upper
lips.
German aircraft from Norway would fly on missions to northern England;
because of the icy weather conditions, the barrels of their guns had a
small dab of wax to protect them.
As they crossed the coast, they would clear their guns by firing a few
rounds at the golf courses.
Golfers were urged to take cover.
Please read the notice in the attachment.

We do not know which Richmond Golf Club issued these temporary rules (there
are at least a dozen Richmond Golf Clubs in the UK), but we can assume that
it is in the south of England. Otherwise there would have been some rule
about airborne wax.

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From: Liz
How a real drinker thinks
 Click here

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From: Liz
Best brush-off letter ever
 Click here

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From: Liz
Question...
 Click here Click here

Nagasaki 1945, after the atomic bomb
Nagasaki 2011, after the earthquake and tsunami
What the hell is that arch made out of?
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From: Sack
Politically incorrect humour,
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

A SERIES of world-famous saucy seaside postcards images is being relaunched
today to mark their 100th anniversary.
Businessman Ian Wallace said he is hoping the classic cheeky cartoons,
which could soon be appearing on everything from mouse mats to boxer
shorts, will give everyone a light-hearted boost in times of economic
gloom.

Mr Wallace, aged 63, bought the firm Bamforth & Co nine years ago and now
owns the rights to more than 50,000 of the postcard images with their
pneumatic women, henpecked husbands and voluptuous nurses.

In 1870 James Bamforth began his business in Holmfirth, near Huddersfield,
West Yorkshire - a village now most famous for being the setting of the
long running BBC comedy Last Of The Summer Wine.
He was a portrait photographer who later specialised in lantern slides. But
it was the saucy postcards, launched in 1910, which sealed his firm`s
reputation.

Mr Wallace said: "They always look good and they always make people smile.
"Maybe they`re not to everyone's taste but if you can`t laugh at Bamforth
postcards what can you laugh at?
"They are classic images which have really stood the test of time."

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From: Whizzbang
Almost Like a Barbie Doll
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
GOLF GIRL [XXX]
 Click here

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Taser Cam
 Click here
Why the police video incidents   .......

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The Blues!
 Click here Click here
State of Origin comment!

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From: anonymous
Winter - I couldnt live in this!!!
 Click here

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From: anonymous
Monday fun - IPHONE AUTO CORRECT!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here



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[ End friday humour ]

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