Friday humour - June 24, 2011

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

This week's edition marks the fifth anniversary of our founder's passing.
Whilst reading this 716th edition of Friday Humour please spare a thought
for the remarkable man who began this venerable tradition. Rest in peace
Tony.

This week's gathering arrives courtesy of Arfermo, Diks, Johnny Green,
Kaos_reflex, Liz, Mitta, Muse, The Great Gussius, Tommo963,
Whizzbang, and the irrepressible anonymi.

Enjoy!

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Okay all you animal lovers, watch and smile!
 Click here

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Tequila Ad - Listen Carefully to Disclaimer.
 Click here

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The Girl Lodger

A middle aged couple took in a very beautiful 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
On her first night She asked if she could have a bath,
but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if
she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the
best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed
to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled
the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that
the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when
he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don't go to
darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you
can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you
have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the
girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very
generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed, then husband came in; the wife
asked: "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often
enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't".

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Bruce to his mate Robbo: someone stole all my credit cards last month.
Robbo replies; did you report it to the cops?
Bruce: no way mate! The thief is spending a lot less than my missus did!

Amanda Vanstone went to the beauty shop. She spent more than three hours in
there. That was only for the estimate. Then she decided to get a mudpack
and looked great for two days. Unfortunately then the mud fell off.

The doctor gave Bruce six months to live. So Bruce thought he may as well
enjoy himself and went off to the pub everyday shouting all his mates. As a
result he had no money left to pay his doctor's bill, so the doctor gave
him another six months.

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Bruce: "I AM BLOODY 60!"
Doctor: "See? What did I tell you?"

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Little Johnny is at school and the teacher is talking about work and the
future.

Johnny, he says, what do you want to be later when you grow up?

A world famous photo model or an astronaut, says Johnny.

But what if you're not good looking enough to become a world famous photo
model, or intelligent enough to be an astronaut?

Johnny; well, if I'm too bloody ugly to be a model or too dumb to be an
astronaut then I can always become a school teacher!!

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Bruce is getting p*ssed in the pub and runs out of money.

Of course Bruce does not feel like going home and he hassles the publican
for another drink. Common Robbo, givuzzanaddabeerwillya?
I'll pay you next week.....

The publican points out the window and says to Bruce; see that building
across the road?

Yeah... says Bruce.....

Well, that is the bloody Commonwealth Bank, and I got a deal with them.

Deal? Wot deal? says Bruce.

Publican; well, they don't sell beer, and I don't lend money!

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Bruce's little granddaughter got lost in a huge shopping centre.

She approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad."

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

The child replied, "Granddad."

The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"

The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "VB and girls with
big b*obs."

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A man and his wife are having a baby.

The time when the baby is due to arrive finally comes and the husband grabs
his video camera and takes his wife to the hospital.
When he get there the nurse start to do their stuff. The man asks the
nurses if there is anything he can do to help. The nurse replies no please
wait outside.

After five minutes the man asks the same question and gets the same reply.
This carries on until the baby is born and he asks the question again.

This time the nurse replies if you want you can wash the baby. The new dad
is thrilled at this suggestion and goes off to wash the baby.

After a while the nurse returns to check on the dad.

When she arrives she sees him with his finger in the baby nostrils moving
the baby around like a boat.

The nurse say that is not how you wash a baby.

The dad replies: 'It is when the water is too hot!!'

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In the beginning ...

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going
prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on
the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it
was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide
tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was
good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,
drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies.
God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the
Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to
go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So
God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it
was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard
the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes,
smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it
was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a
rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and
clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than
that, it was bloody great! IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!

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Helicopter off its chops. Takes about a minute and a half to get started,
but worth the watch.
 Click here

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Love Poem.
 Click here

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English Man's garage door opener,
 Click here

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Which Situation is Worse?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Dating protocol

WHITE WOMEN:
First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date:
You get to have s*x but only when she wants to and only in the missionary
position.

IRISH WOMEN:
First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have s*x.
Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have s*x.
20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have s*x.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date:
You have s*x, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having s*x.
6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going
to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date:
Meet her parents.
Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date:
Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have s*x in the
back of her car.
Second Date:
She's pregnant.
Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her
brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his
three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life
in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the
Tijuana strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date:
You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date:
You take a loan to keep the image
Third Date:
You're broke, she finds someone wealthier

ARAB WOMEN:
First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date:
You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
(No third date)

The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

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Pilgrimages to Bin Laden's grave have started
 Click here

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Engrish Tlansration
 Click here

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Cool Design Ideas!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Notes At The Office ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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More planking - a Catholic tradition
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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The following is an extract from one of those romantic Mills and Boon
novels, they publish special New Zealand editions not available anywhere
else:

We met in a secluded field on the Coromandel Peninsula, the sun nearly
kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky
scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race
know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added
the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I
knew I had to have her,
and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could
feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically
thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by
inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw
caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with
enthusiasm. She moaned with despair each time I withdrew to prevent myself
ending it all too soon. As the s*xual tension heightened towards the
inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any
longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and
passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep
orange glow of the long settling sun melted into the darkness of
approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I
kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had
been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered, "Baaaa" and
rejoined the flock.

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If men organized weddings ...
 Click here

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A life mystery.
 Click here

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OOPS !!!
 Click here

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Maxine...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Where does he get the cards?
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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