Friday humour - June 17, 2011

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

The folk in Christchurch can use all the cheering up they can get this
week, so this edition is for you. There are some OLD favourites in this lot
not seen since the last millennium!

This week's assemblage comes courtesy of Allnutts, Arfermo, Burnout, Diks,
Johnny Green, Liz, Kaos_reflex, Muse, Sack, Stumpy Steve,
The Great Gussius, Tommo963, Whizzbang, and the ever-present Anonymi.

Enjoy!

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Duke of Edinburghs best blunders. Hilarious.
 Click here

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Clever
 Click here

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Truth in Vegas

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100,
completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world
should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I
don't know ... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion
at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is
stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator
kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy ... she put all her money on 29.
When 36 came up she fainted!"

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Top Ten Caddie Responses.......

#10
Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddie: Think you can keep your head down that long?

#9
Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.

#8
Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddie: Yes, you miss the ball much closer now.

#7
Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddie: Eventually.

#6
Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddie: I don't think so, that would be too much of a coincidence.

#5
Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a
distraction.
Caddie: It's not a watch - it's a compass.

#4
Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddie: Very good, but personally, I prefer golf.

#3
Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddie: The way you play, it's a sin on any day.

#2
Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddie: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.

#1 Best Caddie Comment:
Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.


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Korea's got talent! [get the tissues out - Ed.]
 Click here

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I didn't pick it
 Click here

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Why one gives up walking.
 Click here

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The Pharmacy sisters

A Harley Rider walked into a drug store in Waco, Texas and asked to talk to
a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as
she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something
that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The biker then agreed and began by saying 'This is tough for me to discuss,
but I have a permanent erection.

It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was
wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said 'We discussed it at length, and the absolute
best we can do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store
A company pickup truck
Five home cooked dinners a week
And $3,000 a month in living expenses.'

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What Yiayia says
 Click here

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The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family had to use
an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the
summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse
was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day
he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy
decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.
He found a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled
into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was
you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in
school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't
get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the
cherry tree."

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Tranquillity.

A doctor on TV recently said the way to achieve inner peace and tranquility
is to finish all the things you had started. Having been a little stressed
recently, I thought I would give this a try and looked around my house to
find things that I'd started and hadn't finished. I found quite a few
things.

So I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay,
a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of
Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of
the chesescke an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr p*sss. An telum,u
blody luvum!!

Xxx

Think I might try this!

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New Definitions

Read closely, and perhaps slowly, to understand ...

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the Spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

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English School.

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and
was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt
carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that
side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop.
The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English
neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."

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Pet names

"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10-year old son.

"Bob," he said.

"And what's your cat's name?"

"Bob."

"Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked.

"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered.

"Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested.

The kid smiled and said... "Dennis Hopper."

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A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club.

A second man said, Gee, you're fat.

The fat man said, Yeah.

The second man asked, How long has it been since you've seen your willie?

The fat man answered, Long time.

The second man asked, Why don't you diet?

The fat man asks, Why, what colour is it now?

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The State of Origin crisis line is again in operation for the NSW
supporters that will need help. The number to call is 1800 10 10
10.

That's one eight hundred, won nothing, won nothing, won nothing!

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[ This is sooo true - Ed.]

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang
a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under
the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the
banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold
water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result, all
the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another
monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace
it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the
stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the cr*p out of him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the
stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new
one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer
takes part in the punishment... with enthusiasm.

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a fourth,
then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is
attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they
were not permitted to climb the stairs.
Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the
newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining
monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the
banana. Why, you ask? Because in their minds that is the way it has always
been!

This, my friends, is how government operates and is why, from time to time,
ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

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Shampoo Alert!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to
read my shampoo bottle.

I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire
body says, "For extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have
I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"!

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" Dish Soap. It says right on the
label "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

My friends, it pays to read the Warning Labels!

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in the Manawatu.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and start
shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you
can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have
to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like
me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our
full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in
the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this mate! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap!"

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Today's word is 'Fluctuations'.

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

I was at my bank today. There was a short line. There was just one lady in
front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It
was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo
yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

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Thank God, it's Friday Blonde joke

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a Blonde already inside who greeted him with a
bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The Blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile,
and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated Blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank
God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'--
Duuhhh!!!

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A New Business Opportunity

A Mexican just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land
mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are
going through the roof.

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And they say it doesn't smell like fish?
 Click here

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Bikini
 Click here

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Golf
 Click here

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Aussie political landscape at its best!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Scottish Bride
 Click here

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Trees Cocooned in Spiders' Webs
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

The first image doesn't even look real! It looks like something out of an
illustrated book...

An unexpected side-effect of the flooding in parts of Pakistan has been
that millions of spiders climbed up into the trees to escape the rising
flood waters.

Because of the scale of the flooding and the fact that the water has taken
so long to recede, many trees have become cocooned in spiders webs. People
in this part of Sindh have never seen this phenonemon before - but they
also report that there are now less mosquitos than they would expect, given
the amoungt of stagnant, standing water that is around. It is thought that
the mosquitos are getting caught in the spiders web thus reducing the risk
of malaria, which would be one blessing for the people of Sindh, facing so
many other hardships after the floods.

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I don't care how good the food is, I'm not going in!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Invisible Cats
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Unusual Car-Parade in Houston, TX.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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This beats the mechanical bull at Gilley's!!!
 Click here

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Beer
 Click here

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I bought me one of them all-terrain 4 wheel vehicles today!!!
 Click here

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There is NO relationship whatsoever between motor sports and s*x!
 Click here

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The Edsel Grill [Seriously XXX]
 Click here

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A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess Will you marry me?

The Princess said NO, and the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode
motorcycles and f*cked skinny big t*tted broads and raced cars and went to
t*tty bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain
Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and
ate pussies and f*cked cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never
got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought
he was f*ckin cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up ...

The end

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Some great new ones here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Its good to see the Chinese have a cream to fix everything!
 Click here

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A thought ...
 Click here

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Sesame Street has given me a new philosophy.
 Click here

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They could NOT publish these today.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Anyone for fishing the long weekend
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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