Friday humour - June 03, 2011

Blue Angels commander relieved of duties - Local News - Mobile, AL -
msnbc.com
 Click here

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Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber.

Chevron installed closed-circuit video screens on top of its gas station
pumps in Los Angeles. It's so you can watch ads while filling up. The
Chevron in Hollywood decided to run porno on its screens so you won't feel
like the only one getting screwed at the pump.

                 .....................................

A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he
would like a woman sent to his room. The man says yes.
The desk clerk says, "I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a
teacher. Which one should I send up?"
With this the man replies, "I'll take the teacher."
When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says, "I'm
curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or the
switchboard operator?"
The man replies, "The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast
as I give it. The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm
finished, but the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until
I get it right."

                   ............................................

The Old Perfesser hadn't been to a class reunion in decades.
When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over
in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting,
saying, "You look like Helen Brown."
"Well, you don't look so great in blue!" the woman snapped back.

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From: Arfermo
Not me guv  Benefit fraud - what benefit fraud?

People making false claims for benefit told inspectors they didn't realise
they were on benefit, must have had their identity stolen - or had an
identical twin making claims.

Ministers published the list to highlight the 1.6 billion of taxpayer's
money lost through fraud in benefits and tax credits each year.

A survey by fraud investigators revealed their top ten worst excuses used
by benefit cheats:

"We don't live together he just comes each morning to fill up his flask".
"I wasn't using the ladders to clean windows, I carried them for therapy
for my bad back."
"I had no idea my wife was working! I never noticed her leaving the house
twice a day in a fluorescent jacket and a Stop Children sign."
"My wallet was stolen so someone must have been using my identity, I
haven't been working".
"I didn't know I was still on benefit."
"I didn't declare my savings because I didn't save them, they were given to
me."
"He lives in a caravan in the drive, we're not together."
"He does come here every night and leave in the morning and although he has
no other address I don't regard him as living here."
"It wasn't me working, it was my identical twin.
"I wasn't aware my wife was working because her hours of work coincided
with the times I spent in the garden shed."


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From: Burnout
Peace..... Yeah, right!
 Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex
YOU ARE GOING TO WATCH THIS
MORE THAN ONCE

 Click here

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From: Muse
Obama, The Musical
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Interpretative dance
This is soooooo funny!

There are two different clips, watch Love is all around first because it
explains what it's all about, these are so funny.

 Click here
      Love is all around
 Click here
      Don`t stop me now

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From: The Great Gussius
10 to one on the zebra to win.
 Click here

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From: Tommo963
What's Wrong With Men

Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with men. The problem
lies in the two halves of their brains - the left and the right.

The left half has nothing right in it.
And the right half has nothing left in it!

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From: Tommo963

CAN'T FIND IT!

Billy was excited about attending school. So excited in fact, that only a
few minutes after his first class started, he desperately needed to go to
the toilet.

Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the
teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.
"I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should
go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.

Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I
still can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a
while, to help Billy find the toilet.

So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and
sit down at their seats.

The teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you two find it?"

Tommy was quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on
backwards!"

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From: Tommo963

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all
strung out.
She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I
looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my
skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out,
and
I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well,
I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."

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From: Tommo963

A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a
lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the
man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him.

"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady.

"Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it
over a wall.

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From: Tommo963

 "Twick or Tweat!"

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little
girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was
dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.

The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl
looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come
to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one
more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest
thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her
apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says,
"Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!"

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From: Tommo963

Rover

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water
and my dog would like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog
replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a
drink."

The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking
dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"

"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you
what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here."

The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have
my drink." says the dog.

The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can
you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day
if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep
the change afterwards."

"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.

Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks
where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.
As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a
French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts,
"Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"

The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."

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I Don't Feel Stupid Anymore .....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Anonymous
PORNOGRAPHY FOUND IN BIN LADEN"S COMPUTER FILES

 Click here

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From: Biggus
Watermelon Splat
 Click here

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From: Biggus
Motivations
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Burnout
Bet ya can't do this with your cat.
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
The Queen grovelling !!!!
 Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex

Good Analogy
 Click here

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From: Liz

BBQ AT ITS FINEST
 Click here
Sound on please.

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From: Liz

Oh, what a prize
 Click here

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From: Liz

An offer he can't refuse
 Click here

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The Lawn Mower

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little
boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?'
asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little
boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike
in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the
bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a
few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little
boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it
started.'
The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a
Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on
that rope. It'll come back to ya!

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From: Muse

Arnold's Misunderstanding

 Click here


It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because
English isn't his native language.
He told Maria that their housekeeper wanted a raise.
Maria said, "Screw her."
Any simple-minded, semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake,
right?


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From: Sack

Indian car runs on air
 Click here Click here Click here


Pretty cool, but note the exhaust is used for air conditioning. What about
heating -- NOT an issue in India. Electric cars have similar issues as
well.


Tata  Motors is ready to introduce the Air Car - Will it be the next big
thing?  Tata  Motors is taking giant strides and making history for 
itself.
First the Land Rover/Jaguar deal, then the world's  cheapest car, and now
it is also set to introduce the car  that runs on compressed air.
With  spiralling fuel prices it is about time we heard some  breakthrough!

 India's largest  automaker, Tata Motors, is set to start producing the
world's  first commercial air-powered  vehicle.

 The  Air Car, developed by ex-Formula One engineer Guy Nigre for
Luxembourg-based MDI, uses compressed air, as opposed to the 
gas-and-oxygen explosions of internal-combustion models, to push  its
engine's pistons.
Some 6000 zero-emissions Air Cars  are scheduled to hit Indian streets by
August 2011.

 The  Air Car, called the "MiniCAT" could cost around Rs. 3,475,225
($8,177.00) in India and would have a range of around 300 km  between
refuels.

The cost of a refill  would be about Rs. 85 ($2.00)

The MiniCAT which is a  simple, light urban car, with a tubular chassis
that is glued,  not welded, and a body of fiberglass powered by compressed 
air.
Microcontrollers are used in every device in the car,  so one tiny radio
transmitter sends instructions to the lights,  indicators, etc.

There are no keys - just  an access card which can be read by the car from
your  pocket.  According to the designers, it costs less than 50  rupees
per 100 Km (about a tenth that of a petrol car).   Its mileage is about
double that of the most advanced electric  car (200 to 300 km or 10 hours
of driving), a factor which makes  a perfect choice in cities where 80% of
motorists drive at less  than 60 Km.  The car has a top speed of 105  Kmph.

 Refilling the car will,  once the market develops, take place at adapted
petrol stations  to administer compressed air.  In two or three minutes,
and at a cost of approximately 100 rupees, the car will be ready to  go
another 200-300 kilometers.

As  a viable alternative, the car carries a small compressor which  can be
connected to the mains (220V or 380V) and refill the tank  in 3-4 hours.
Due to the absence of combustion and,  consequently, of residues, changing
the oil (1 litre of  vegetable oil) is necessary only every 50,000  Km).
 The  temperature of the clean air expelled by the exhaust pipe is  between
0-15 degrees below zero, which makes it suitable for use  by the internal
air conditioning system with no need for gases  or loss of  power.


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From: Sack
Biblical Far Side

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Sack
men see everything
 Click here

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From: Sack
Sick Note
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Look out ladies!
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Bin Laden Death Explained
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Origin
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Yet another death from planking...
 Click here

From: Whizzbang

Emirates' New Airbus A 380
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang

Mohammed's first day of school

Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed," he replied.
"You're in America now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be
known as Kevin."
Mohammed returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammed.  I'm in America and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name?  Are you trying to dishonour your parents,
your heritage, your religion?
Shame on you!"  And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his
bruises.

"What happened to you, Kevin? she asked.

"Well ma'am, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two
f.......' Arabs.

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From: Whizzbang
BHP Safety Alert
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang

Venice..wonderful news

 Click here

WHAT A GREAT IDEA, AND HOW COMPASSIONATE..
I'm thinking.how kind and giving can one government be.
Because there are no mosques in Venice, the
Government has allowed the Italian Muslims to pray in the streets

So far 543 have drowned.

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From: Whizzbang
always check your blind spot [Warning - SNUF]
 Click here
This is nasty, not cool dude, not cool at all
Don't ride a bike in China

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[ End friday humour ]

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