Friday humour - May 27, 2011

From Burnout @ Bluehaze.


From: Anonymous
Subject: Wit of the Scots

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up
golf. So he puts his name down at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned
down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circ*mcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel
comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to
march with the Orangemen. I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a
Knight of Saint Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that you
have to be a complete pr*ck to join a golf club.


From: Burnout

I was teaching my class today about how their surnames represent what their
ancestors jobs were.
First Billy came up to me and asked what his ancestors did, I replied
stating that his surname is Knight so therefore his ancestors were great
Then Katie Smith asked what her ancestors were, I replied stating they were
Finally Mary D*ckinson asked what her ancestors were.
That's easy! I replied, Your ancestor was a Priest.


From: Burnout
Subject: Interesting news out of the Pentagon........

After Osama's body was removed from his compound, the SEALs also removed a
whole heap of classified information which has helped uncover some of the
truth behind major events, including the 9/11 attacks.

According to information received from these doc*ments, September 11 was
actually caused by two Irish builders installing doors on the 20th floor.
When one of them asked the other to 'grab a plane and take a bit off the
top', all hell broke loose.


From: Burnout
Subject: Annoyed with Cats???

 Click here


From: Diks
Subject: A Good Story.....................

A couple was celebrating 50 years together.  Their three kids, all very
successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm
running late.  I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know
how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father.  "The important thing is that we're all
together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad.   I
just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to
shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father.  "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived.  "Hello and happy anniversary!   I'm sorry,
but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I
didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your
mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.  You see, we were
very poor.  Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very
much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father.  "And cheap ones too."


From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: Fw: Sharks at Bondi Beach

Zoom in to see the sharks... You may have to lean in depending on  the size
of your screen.

Na, full screen is better!

 Click here


From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: Short jokes!

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the
other diners started calling me a "paedo" and a "cradle snatcher."

All because I'm a 52 years old man with a 21 year old

It totally ruined our 10th anniversary!!


Another great day!

Been to the gym, had a nice hot shower, and I've just picked up a bottle of
home brew off a neighbour for this afternoon.

I've got a few joints rolled up for the XBox tournament with the lads,
after which I'll muck about online with some porn and gambling sites.

Then it's a nice bl*w job before I head off to bed.

I love prison!


From: Liz
Subject: Bobcat Climbs Cactus


Amazing photography

 Click here


From: Liz
Subject: Raise

Employee:: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this

prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.

I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to

talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just

now is not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic

down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into

consideration my hard work, pro- activeness

and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want

to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an
extra five days of

vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the

Mortgage Company!


From: Liz
Subject: Kaleidoscope

Put your cursor in the middle and it will slow down.

 Click here

Check this out .... after watching for a few seconds, move your cursor back
and forth across the display...


From: Liz
Subject: Farm Boys...

Proof that you can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm

At a high school in Wyoming. a group of boy students played a

They let three calves loose inside the school.
But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the
calves: 1, 2 and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are....


From: Liz
Subject: A Car Quiz

(I didn't know the ones on the first page!!!)

 A Car Quiz.............ALL FROM THE 50's! 12 SETS OF 4 TO IDENTIFY!

 Click here


From: Liz
Subject: The Female Marine Instructor

Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station,) Yuma, a female
Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected
to provide a full hour's instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare
capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep
scepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was
suitable for some new c*ckpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She
said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new "Bitching
Betty." However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason
given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern
revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male
homos*xual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were
wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.


From: Liz
Subject: Senior Synchronized Swimming  -  funny

 Click here


From: Liz
Subject: Source for Aviation Videos

 Click here


From: Liz
Subject: Ice Fishing

Well there's ice fishing, and then there's ice fishing!
Race against the tide, risking death under huge blocks of ice.

 Click here


From: Liz

The Patient Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3
year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for
sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit,
cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy,
don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his
groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were
amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept
your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you
as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little
bastard's name is Kevin."


From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Police

A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford
Sierra car. He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat darkie is dancing on a car roof."

You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to use
the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says, "Zulu ....Tango ....Sierra"


From: Sack
Subject: FW: English lesson......

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the
two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg
to differ because, there is :

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...


From: Sack
Subject: One day...

 Click here


From: Sack
Subject: Logic

Women most probably won't understand this, so ask a man to explain it to

A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a
carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."


From: Sack
Subject: The secret of enjoying a good wine

1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.

2. If it does not look as if it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.


From: The Great Gussius
Subject: In the news this week

NASA's Galaxy Evolution Explorer Helps Confirm Nature of Dark Energy

PASADENA, Calif. -- A five-year survey of 200,000 galaxies, that took
twelve months stretching back seven billion years in cosmic time, has led
to confirmation that dark energy is driving our universe apart at
accelerating speeds. The survey used data from NASA's space-based Galaxy
Evolution Explorer and the Anglo-Australian Telescope on Siding Spring
Mountain in Australia and a

The findings offer new support for the favoured theory of how dark energy
works - as a constant force, uniformly affecting the universe and
propelling its runaway expansion.

"The action of dark energy is as if you threw a ball up in the air, and it
kept speeding upward into the sky faster and faster," said Chris Blake of
the Swinburne University of Technology in Melbourne,
Australia. Blake is lead author of two papers describing the results that
appeared in recent issues of the Monthly Notices of the Royal Astronomical

Dark energy is thought to dominate our universe, making up about 74 percent
of the federal Public
Service. Dark matter, a slightly less dense that politicians, accounts for
22 percent. So-called normal matter, anything with atoms, or the stuff that
makes up living creatures, planets and stars,
but excluding journalists on Sky TV, is only approximately four percent of
the intelligent cosmos.


From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Ark Report 2011

                                AH TODAY

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia
and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the
end of all flesh before me.  Build another Ark and save 2 of every living
thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the  Ark before I will start the unending rain
in Queensland first for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark

"Noah!," He roared, "I've started the rain in Queensland!
Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for an on-board
sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood Bye-Laws by
building the Ark in my backyard and exceeding the height limitations.  We
had to go to the Council Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of
money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the  Ark's move to the sea.  I told
them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would                    
       hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem.  There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Mopoke."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save
the Mopokes - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. they
insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.  They argued
the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to
put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the 
Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed

 "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building gang."

"Immigration are checking the visa status of most of the people who want to

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons.  They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Australian Taxation Office seized all my
assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared over Queensland, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy
the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
"The Australian Government beat me to it."


From: Whizzbang
Subject: Very Rude but funny, read at your own risk (XXX)

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it
up her ar*e. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

My s*xy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c*ck out,
that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent
out .. They said they were delicious!

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long
relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't p*ss me off!"

A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this f*ckin place!

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck
under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury
it....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that,
what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer,
dinner or s*x once since the first beating.

Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your f**king

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of
Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of
her f*nny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she
caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How
far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught"


From: Whizzbang
Subject:  That's talent!

This is awesome............................
I just want to go to this bar and see it live.......

 Click here


From: Anonymous
Subject: Wing and a PRAYER

 Click here Click here

Interesting war time story I had never seen before!

A mid-air collision on February 1, 1943 between a B-17 and a German fighter
over the Tunis  dock area became the subject of one of the most famous
photographs of  World War II.  An enemy fighter attacking a 97th Bomb Group
 formation went out of control, probably with a wounded pilot then 
continued its crashing descent into the rear of the fuselage of a  Fortress
named All American, piloted by Lt. Kendrick R. Bragg, of the  414th Bomb
Squadron.  When it struck, the fighter broke apart, but left some pieces in
the B-17.  The left horizontal stabilizer of the Fortress and left elevator
were completely torn away.

The two right engines were out and one on the left had a serious oil pump
leak.  The vertical fin and the rudder had been damaged, the fuselage had
been cut almost completely through connected only at two small parts of the
frame  and the radios, electrical and oxygen systems were  damaged.   There
was also a hole in the top that was over 16 feet long and 4 feet wide at
its widest and the split in the fuselage went all the way to the top
gunners turret.  Although the tail  actually bounced and swayed in the wind
and twisted when the plane  turned and all the control cables were severed,
except one single  elevator cable still worked, and the aircraft still 

The tail gunner was trapped because there was no floor connecting the tail
to the rest of the plane.  The waist and tail gunners used parts of the
German fighter and their own parachute harnesses in an attempt to keep the 
tail from ripping off and the two sides of the fuselage from splitting 
apart.   While the crew was trying to keep the bomber from coming apart,
the pilot continued on his bomb run and released his bombs over the target.

When the Bombay doors were opened, the wind turbulence was so great that it
blew one of the waist gunners into the broken tail section.  It took 
several minutes and four crew members to pass him ropes from  parachutes
and haul him back into the forward part of the plane.   When they tried to
do the same for the tail gunner, the tail began flapping so hard that it
began to break off.  The weight of the gunner was adding some stability to
the tail section, so he went back  to his position.

The turn back toward   England had to be very slow to keep the tail from
twisting off.  They actually covered almost 70 miles to make the turn home.
 The bomber was so badly damaged that it was losing altitude and speed and 
was soon alone in the sky.  For a brief time, two more Me109 German
fighters attacked the All American.  Despite the extensive damage, all of
the machine gunners were able to respond to these attacks and soon drove
off the fighters.  The two waist gunners stood up with their heads sticking
out through the hole in the top of the fuselage to aim and fire their
machine guns.  The tail gunner had to shoot in short bursts because the
recoil was actually causing the plane to turn.

Allied P51 fighters intercepted the All American as it crossed over the
Channel and took one of the pictures shown below.  They also radioed to the
base describing the empennage was “waving like a fish tail” and
that the plane would not make it and to send out boats to rescue the crew
when they bailed out.  The fighters stayed with the Fortress taking hand
signals  from the Lt. Bragg and relaying them to the base.  Lt. Bragg
signaled that 5 parachutes and the spare had been "used" so five of the
crew could not bail out.

He made the decision that if they could not bail out safely, then he would
stay with the plane and land it.   Two and a half hours after being hit,
the aircraft made its final turn to line up with the runway while it was 
still over 40 miles away.  It descended into an emergency landing and a
normal roll-out on its landing gear.  When the ambulance pulled alongside,
it was waved off because not a single member of the crew had been injured.

No one could believe that the aircraft could still fly in such a condition.
The Fortress sat placidly until the crew all exited through the door in the
fuselage and the tail gunner had climbed down a ladder, at which time the 
entire rear section of the aircraft collapsed onto the ground. The rugged
old bird had done its job.


From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: the irony of it all

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

And Finally -- we conclude with an important lesson from which we all can
learn. . .

Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grassIn the process, we
end up in trouble...

And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a situation that
you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember...

Not everyone who shows up...

Is there to help you!!!!



From: Anonymous
Subject: Pamela Anderson at Hef's 82nd Birthday Bash...... [XXX]

 Click here


From: Diks
Subject: Picture, from Quincy, IL Beer Distributor

 Click here

I figured you'd appreciate this.

 *Take a look at this picture right  - here in Quincy IL!!  Only a beer
distributor would think of this!!*


From: Diks
Subject: Is this guy good or what?

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

These pictures are said to have been taken by a fellow from
Grande Cache, Alberta, 1.5 hours south of
Grande Prairie, by the Berland river on Highway 40.

Take a look at the time frame in the bottom right-hand corner of each
picture ... *
It took Yogi just ten minutes to pick up a lady Bear, invite her to dinner,
feed her a terrific meal, and get laid.*

Is this guy good or what ...???!!*


From: Diks
Subject: Best Political Cartoon of the Year (thus far)

 Click here


From: Diks
Subject: I saw this woman at Wal Mart this morning--I'm pretty sure it was

 Click here



From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: best fishings however

 Click here


From: Kaos_reflex

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Miss Airport 2011 Calendar


From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: Fw: Books for the modern child...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Books for children nowadays


From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: "F" In Exams

A recent book highlights some of the less than reassuring exam answers
given by UK high school children.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: How the word Boob was invented

 Click here


From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: Love It

 Click here


From: Liz
Subject: THE GYM SCENE ( Humor )

 Click here

I'm at the gym the other day and I hear this from an older man,
not in the best physical condition, who asked the trainer:

"I want to impress that beautiful girl over there. Which machine should I
The trainer replied: "Use the ATM machine outside the gym."


From: Liz
Subject: Best Glue commercial ever!

 Click here


From: Liz
Subject: Poor kid

 Click here


From: Liz
Subject: Where Should I Put the Winnings? [Xish]

 Click here


From: Liz
Subject: New book...
"Understanding Women A to Z" (Volume A)

 Click here


From: Liz
Subject: How to tell if a kangaroo is bored

 Click here


From: Mitta
Subject: Planking

 Click here


From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: you have been warned it is inadvisable, nay foolhardy, to attempt
this shot unless
a) you are wearing goggles
b) you have in your possession industrial strength shampoo
   and mouthwash

 Click here


From: Sack
Subject: FW: Tucker the dog

 Click here


From: Sack
Subject: FW: There are no ugly women - just poor women.!

Look carefully, they're in the same order. It's just scary what money can

This photo below was taken at a competition in June 2008 involving 9 women
for best makeover.
They had every possible beauty treatment available to them over a period of
12 hours before the contest.
Look at the before and after photos.
Conclusion - there are no ugly women only poor women.
The woman 2nd from the left won the contest.

Beer has the same effect....

 Click here


From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: Gotta love the Marines.

I like this one!!! - dangerous slipping off a Kerb

 Click here


From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Australia vs Europe

A picture of just how big Australia really is.
This gives you a good idea of how big this "patch of red dirt" actually is.
Wide open spaces indeed!
Interesting huh?
Big isn't it!!

 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Subject: Bush Poetry

 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Subject: Married Life

 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Subject: FW: Crash Toyota Troopy South Hedland Roundabout 160kmph

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: anonymous
Subject:  Photo of the Year Check it out

 Click here


From: au3xr6  (Ah, There you are - ED)
Subject: The true inventor of planking has finally been revealed

 Click here


From: au3xr6
Subject: will you qualify for the Rapture?

 Click here


From: anonymous
Subject: All Flash And No Fire: Usman Ahmed Gets His After A 2 Minute
Swagger To The Ring | Caveman Circus

 Click here


Quote of the Week:

The significant problems of our time cannot be solved by the same level of
thinking that created them.

- Albert Einstein


[ End friday humour ]

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