Friday humour - May 20, 2011

Budget. Boring. Boooooooring!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING!!!!!
God its boring (zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz).
As if any of it translates to real life anyway ...

This week's lovely collection comes courtesy of Allnutts, Brian, Burnout,
Cartographer Chris, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Kaos_reflex,
Liz, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Stumpy Steve, Whizzbang, and the ever
present anonymi.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Osama's watery grave explained.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Five pearls of wisdom.

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a
Mercedes†Benz than it is on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in
trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because itís illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door
of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist vicar appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Will you look at that?" says the first Irishman.
"And didn't I always say what a bunch of lying hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi also goes inside.
"There's another bunch who try to fool everyone with their pious preaching
and funny little hats," says the second Irishman.
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the
rabbi when they see their Catholic Priest knock on the door and go inside.
"Oh, how sad!" says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Wasteful Older Generation

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should
bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the
environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the
green thing back in my day." The clerk responded, "That's our problem
today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles
to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So
they really were recycled.

But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in
every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and
didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two
blocks.

But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the
throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the
clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not
always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right; they didn't have the green thing back in her
day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a
screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and
stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything
for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a
wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble
wrap.

Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the
lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power.
They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run
on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or
a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water.
They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and
they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the
whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn't have the green
thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to
school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour
taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank
of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized
gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space
in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks
were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Golf Story ...

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "don't you see the sign".

"It says private property ... stay out".

The golfer says "I'm sorry ... I didn't see. That's my ball over... there
may I have it?"

The man says, "it's in my yard, so it's my ball now".

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand".

He then walks back to the golf cart gets a golf ball and walks back and
throws it in the yard.

The man says, "what's that for?"

The golfer says, "I'm a gentleman. Every pr*ck should have two balls."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

You've seen a lot of footage on the recent Japanese tsunami, but this one
will get your attention since it was filmed by an amateur who was perched
just above the roaring wave.
[potentially distressing content Ed.]
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Paddy and Murphy are shooting pheasants in the Irish countryside when a
black man flies over in a hang glider.
They immediately open fire trying to blow holes in it.
What the f*ck was that? says Paddy. F*ck knows says Murphy, but whatever it
was it wasn't letting go of that nigger!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Solar highways
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Robin's nest - AMAZING
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

It's rumoured Elton John will be recording a single in memory of Osama Bin
Laden. 'Sandals in the Bin' will be released on
Wednesday.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Aviation Humour

Ah yes, communications between those on the ground and those in the air.

-----------------------

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.

Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline
going today without filing a flight plan?'

-----------------------

ATC: "Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for
workers along taxiway."

Al Italia 345: " Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are
working"

-----------------------

Nova 851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000,
requesting runway 15."

Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot
what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks.
Expect runway 06."

-----------------------

Lost student pilot: " Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead,
please identify yourself."

-----------------------

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

---------------------------

Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You
have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'

Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred
and thirty knots fer ya.'

Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now
11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'

Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'

Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1
mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'

Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this
here C-130 is?'

Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'

--------------------------

ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions?

Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'

ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'

--------------------------

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.

Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.

Controller: Oh, Oh, Sh*t! You have traffic!

---------------------

O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250
knots.

USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?

O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

----------------------

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.

Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019

------------------------

Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'

Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Centre '

--------------------------

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

-------------------------

Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big
"E".

Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'
(short pause)
Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you
turn to the big "W" immediately.'

--------------------

Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'

Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'

Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'

Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'

Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'

-----------------------------

Tower: 'American ... and for your information, you were slightly to the
left of the centreline on that approach.'

American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'

-----------------------

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.60. (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.60!' (pause)

Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'

Pilot: 'Centre, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name
you'd get a better response!'

-----------------------

BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'

Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'

BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over
by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'

Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'

------------------------------------

Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330
or 340?'

Pilot: 'A340 of course!'

Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and
give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'

---------------------------

Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'

Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'

---------------------------------

Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English
and lonely in the c*ckpit'

-----------------------

Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'

Pilot: 'More or less.'

Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'

----------------------------

Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push
back, please.'

Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'

Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'

Tower: 'Affirmative.'

Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I found my dyslexic mate covering his penis with black boot polish in the
early hours of Sunday morning.

I said, "You idiot - you're supposed to turn your clock back!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Got a phone call from a mate last night.

He had just got back from a day out in London and told me that whilst there
he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free.

I asked, ''Where did you get that?''

He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was in Trafalgar
Square and was just passing the time of day with them.

After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family
asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his
camera.

They lined up as a group against one of the lions and were all smiling at
the camera.

Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, 'WAVE!' and they
all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Allnutts
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Queen Of England - Long Live the Queen.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

I was a little shocked by the pictures when it penetrated my brain how long
she's been around. She gives new meaning to the phrase
"Long Live the Queen".

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ramps are for Sissies ...
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

John Pugh is at it again.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New magazine for married men!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New commemorative stamps
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Uh oh
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Life Imitates Art
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Accordion bus

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Fishermen's friend
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

You always wondered how it was done!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Senior Romance!

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds,
then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more
times with no success.

All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, muttering
to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last
night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Team America!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Another Aww!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Have you ever been this tired?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Know you know why wolves eat their young ...
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Clothing Drive
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

All the crowds asked for, was a "Kiss"
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I am Gay
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (May 13, 2011)  Index Next (May 27, 2011)