Friday humour - May 13, 2011

From Gussius@Bluehaze

This week we lost 3 notable people from this planet.

Osama finally met his maker and moved on to his reward of 72 virgins.
Probability law tells us that a fair percentage of these virgins will be
gay men, possibly from San Francisco. Hence bin Laden will suffer at the
hands of the US with an Eternal Ring of Fire because Vaseline is not
permitted in

Lionel Rose, a former boxing batam weight champion of the world passed on.
Lionel was an
Australian Aboriginal who made it top the top of his chosen field and was
an inspiration to many others in the indigenous community.

Largely unreported was the passing of Alexis Zaparta. Lex operated brothels
across the globe and was the one time marketing manager for the food giant
Leggos. Her main claim to fame is for two sayings that are still in regular
use today. “Girls, Lex Zaparta” and “Mum, when dad gets home from a hard
day at work, don’t forget to open up the Leggos”.


The church is like that:

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine,
Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a
fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their

He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting
than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".


Train Running Through A Tornado..:

Here is something you do not see very often. This video came from a fellow
who works for the RR as a train dispatcher. Trains nowadays mount cameras
in their cabs, facing forward and backward,
the same way police cars do.

This video is a rear view camera, showing a train that ran through a
tornado. First there is the normal rear view from the last of three
engines, with the trees looking normal. Then you begin to see rain, and
then, halfway through the video the trees begin to sway violently, and then

 Click here

The one minute mark is where things really get interesting.


Missing Rooster:

A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one
handsome c*ck rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.

One Sat*rday night, the priest discovered that the c*ck rooster was
missing. At the same time the priest heard rumors of c*ckfights being held
in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to
sporting a handsome c*ck?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to
having seen a handsome c*ck?"

All the women stood up.

"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean, either. Who among you will
confess to having seen a c*ck that doesn't belong to you?"

Half the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody
here seen my c*ck?"

All the choirboys stood up.


How true:

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young
boy three 10c coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy
starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father realises the boy
has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10c's but is still choking. Looking at his son,
the father is panicking,
shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of
the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and
then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few seconds the boy
convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10c's, which the woman
deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as
he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you
a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..'


They sent my Census form back!!:

In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?' I put,

"Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, smack heads, unemployable bastards,
the cast of Home and Away, 40,000 people in our 67 penal establishments, a
quarter of the population of Coogee, half of the population Northern
Territory, all of the population of Mt Druitt, Overseas countries that we
pay way to much humanitarian aid to and half of the fxxxxxg university drop
outs in this country!"

................. Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer.


Herschel, the Magnificent Jew:

 Click here



Who says black fellas are lazy?

Finally a U. S. President has taken out the bin..............


Irish wit:

Two fellows are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hear*e and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge.
One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries
on fishing.
The other fellow turns to him and says,
" Why, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen. "
The first fellow replies, " Well, we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Fook that!" says Mick, "Have you not seen how many of their owners go

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back!"
He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering
years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake.


The Irish - I luv em:

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to
drill for their own oil.

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a
pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that
powdered stuff."

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"


Laugh out loud !!!

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said: "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asked: "what does that mean? "

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous and
Hot" he answered.

She said: "Oh that's lovely. What about I, J, K ? "

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"


Name List

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in
e-mails, BUT this one is important.

It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 10 million
people. We don't want to lose any names on the list so just send it on.

Please keep it going!

To show your support for Julia Gillard and the job she is

Doing please go to the end of the list and add your name.

1. Mr John Gillard

2. Mrs Moria Gillard

3. ...................................


Jewish Divorce

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff!

All he wants is s*x, s*x and more s*x. My vagina is now the size of a 50
cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you
live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week
allowance, you take 6 vacations a year,

and you want to throw all that away........ over 45 cents?


Osama Bin Laden Jokes:

Best Late-Night Jokes About Osama Bin Laden's Death

"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of
Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next
Sunday?" -Conan O'Brien

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President
Obama full citizenship." -David Letterman

"There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife.
There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans." -David Letterman

"After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar
mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was
a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are
going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going,
'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" -Craig Ferguson

"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They
broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed
wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." -David Letterman

"The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden. It's a Colt 45 and
a shot that goes right to your head." -Jay Leno

"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U. S. I don't
understand why they're so upset. Everyone in Al Qaeda just got a
-Craig Ferguson

"The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo.
Better yet, they're doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative
plates." -Conan O'Brien

"What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad!
Abottabad sounds like name most New Yorkers would have invented for the
fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden." -Jon Stewart

"He was living a half a mile from Pakistan's version of West Point in a
town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York
City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and
Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino's, they would have
been delivered to bin Laden on foot." -Jon Stewart

"Osama bin Laden, as we speak, is living with Spongebob in a pineapple
under the sea." -Jimmy Kimmel

"He's up to 2,000 friends on Shot In The Facebook." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing
to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury
EVER." -Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When
President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have
used seals?'" -Conan O'Brien

"By the way, 'buried at sea'? means 'dumped in the ocean.' That's what they
did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won't feel so guilty
about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach."? -Jimmy Kimmel

"And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could
the best shark week ever." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it
didn't have needles." -Stephen Colbert

"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause
his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget.
Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no,
it was me, wasn't it?'" -Craig Ferguson

"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in
That's right, bin Laden is dead - just like the Republicans' chances in
2012." -Jimmy Fallon

"It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'"

"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like D*ck
Cheney may have been involved." -Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now
KFC Double Down." -Conan O'Brien

"Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains
why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's."

"Osama bin Laden was killed by U. S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really
happy. Glenn Beck was crying - and then he found out about Osama." -Craig

"Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where's Waldo. Only
better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound
and put a cap in his ass." -Craig Ferguson

"President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch
enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity
Apprentice.'" -Craig Ferguson

"Bin Laden lived in this compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for 6
years. So he did suffer." -David Letterman

"I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much
brighter start to the week." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this
to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'' -Jimmy Fallon



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The towboat is approaching the bridge with barges loaded with coal.

This frame gives you an idea of how fast the river is running, obviously at
or near flood stage.

Oh CR*P!! The bridge didn't open and the boat can't stop.
Notice the tug has released the barges. He is backing as hard as possible
to try and avoid a collision with the bridge.

Can't back down enough against the current. LOOK at the
NUTTY people standing on the BRIDGE!

Uh Oh! ! The current has swung the boat around sideways.

The cook thinks maybe something isn't quite right.

The boss is going to be REAL mad!

Uh.... Boss? Do we have flood insurance on this boat? The
Tug is going under the bridge!!

Uh..... Boss? You ain't gonna believe what we just did! The
Tug came out the other side!!

She's low, but the flag is still flying.

The wheelhouse door and the door in the second deck are now open. Look
close at the bottom right hand side of the picture and you will see that
the bridge guardrail is underwater.

Look at the water pouring out of the second deck doorway.
The working deck is still underwater, but rising.

This company that built the Tug should get the government contract to build
our battle ships. (And cruisers like the

Notice anything unusual? Look at the smoke coming from the exhausts. It's
still running!!!

Notice the prop wash at the rear of the tug. The boat is upright and back
under power. Just another day on the river. Do you suppose the captain had
to change his pants after all that?


Gun Control:

Here's one for all you gun addicts.
This will make you think twice the next time you purchase a gun.
What follows is an actual photo of a person being shot at close range.

Seeing folks actually pulling the trigger on another human may not be your
cup of tea.

Violence is a brutal event. Most of us tend to sit back in our living
rooms, view the barrage of information that comes across from the media and
we become desensitized to the real gravity and anger of the world in which
we live...

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Just horrible, isn't it?



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Shirts say it all:

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In case you can't read the small print on the red shirt:
'S*x is like snow -you never know how many inches you'll get or how long it
will last'


The Man Spa .... How Real Men Relax:

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It begins.

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And so it starts..............


Off to A Good Start....:

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Topless Car Wash.............:

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New product just for women: To keep their eyes focused on yours:

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How did it get in there?:

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People are awesome:

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Would / could this be true?:

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Best shut up line:

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Well done General.
Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio.

Read his reply tothe lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and
General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his
military headquarters.

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys
when they visit your base?

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before
they even touch a firearm.

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one - are

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the
interview was over.


The Old Painter:

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The old painter & the working girl

An old semi-retired painter puts on his old overalls and heads for the
docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old painter, you're doing about three
knots.'but needing some reassurance he asks,

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in,
and your knot getting your money back.


Beaux chassis: XXX

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The latest from the motivational people....

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How the word Boob was invented:

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Golf with the wife... watch to the very end:

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Fantastic & Very Unique Photos:

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Some old and new, fantastic music while viewing, enjoy


Only one made-----1948 Buick:

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Only 1 made..1948 Buick

The one you never saw.



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Bottoms up!



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Someone's upset!!


Famous Words:

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Just a bit Heavy:

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You mean it's not supposed to look like this???????


Princess Beatrice's Hat:

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Beatrice's new designs continued:

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Caption of the week competition:

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Uncle Will, if you hold her ears like this, she won't spill any.



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The latest craze - A new Australian board game.

Here is something to help make Julia Gillard's or Phony Tony's speeches
almost tolerable.

Just print this, distribute a copy to friends and listen attentively to the

How to play:

1. Before Julia's or Tony's next televised open mouthed drivel, print your
"Bullsh*t Bingo" card.

2. Check off the appropriate box when you hear one of those words/phrases.

3. When you get five boxes horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand
up and shout,


At this stage of the game, you have lost. Lost time, lost brain cells, lost
tears etc.


Look closely!

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Notice anything?

You see it now?

Still don't see it?

Come on now...

For God's sake...

I cleaned out my garage!


US Releases Bin Laden "Proof of Death" photo:

 Click here


Thai Boxing Classic:

 Click here

Best fight you will ever see


Memorial songs flow already:

Elton John has put out a memorial song for Osama Bin Laden, it's called
Sandals in the Bin



There are only two people who are familiar with the Ayapaneco language in
Mexico. Manuel Segovia and Isidro Velazquezto live less than a kilometre
apart in Ayapa village in southern Mexico but according to the Daily Mail,
they don't get on.

They're the last two speakers of this remote language but they refuse to
discuss how best to preserve their dying language.

The Ayapaneco language managed to survive the Spanish conquest however it
has suffered due to compulsory Spanish education in Mexico. For several
decades indigenous children were forbidden from speaking anything other
than Spanish.

According to 75-year-old Mr Segovia, 'When I was a boy everybody spoke it.
It's disappeared little by little and now I suppose it might die with me.'
It is believed there are 6,000 languages in the world and of those around
half are expected to disappear over the next century.


[ End friday humour ]

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