Friday humour - April 29, 2011
From Burnout @ Bluehaze
From: Allnutts
Subject: Bathurst in less than 2 minutes...
Click here
This is Jensen Button going around the Bathurst Circuit in under 2 minutes.
Use full screen to watch.
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From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: This is the stuff you DON'T see.
THOUGHT YOU WOULD APPRECIATE THIS PRESENTATION.
This is the stuff you DON'T see.
(It is silent until the last few seconds)
Click here
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From: Anonymous
Subject: Want to see Paris?
It will be interesting to see how this all unfolds.........Frightening!!
COMING TO AMERICA??? Quite the eye opener.
Click here
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From: Anonymous
Subject: A New Roadrunner Cartoon -
"Coyote Falls" in near-3D..
This is the first one done with computer animation.
Lots can be done with computer graphics that would be far more expensive to
do in drawn animation.
For instance.......note the reflection in the stainless tanker as it speeds
past the rock-face.
The computer graphics look good and it still has that old Roadrunner fun!
Only 3 minutes.
Coyote Falls Click here
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From: Biggus
Subject: Global warming comments
"Barbra Streisand told Diane Sawyer that we're in a global warming crisis,
and we can expect more and more intense storms, droughts and dust bowls.
But before they act, weather experts say they're still waiting to hear from
Celine Dion." -Jay Leno
"Governor Schwarzenegger spoke about the dangers of global warming.
Schwarzenegger's exact words were: fire, hot, bad." -Conan O'Brien
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From: Burnout
Subject: Singing, silent Monks??????
Click here
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From: Burnout
Click here
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From: Davo
Subject: Irish Joke
Baptizing an Irishman
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little
longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus,
me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again --
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"
(get ready for this.....)
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
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From: Digi Maria
Subject: Kindergarten Musicians
Such tiny hands on standard guitars, lovely
Click here
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From: Diks
Subject: First Class...............
In the Blue Ridge Mountains, there was a retired sailor who was reputed to
have the best bird hunting dog ever by the name of "First Class."
Two Commanders and an Admiral went up into the mountains and wanted to rent
him.
The old sailor said, "Good huntin' dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They
agreed and three days later came back with their limit.
The next year they came back. "First Class got better, gonna cost you
$75.00 a day." Again they agreed, and 2 days later they came back with
their limit.
The third year they came back and told the old sailor they had to have
First Class even if it cost $100.00 a day.
"You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you
$4.00."
"But, we don't understand, what happened to him?"
"Well, a bunch of enlisted guys from the Navy base in Norfolk came up and
rented him. One of the idiots kept calling him "Chief," and he's just
beensitting on his ass barking ever since."
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From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: The best fishing experience.
For the fisherpersons among us. An amazing occurrence.
Follow the link for the best fishing experience.
Click here
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From: Liz
Subject: New England
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...
"Forget Rednecks ..."
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance
And they don't work there, you live in New England .
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You live in New England .
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with
Someone who dialed a wrong number,
You live in New England .
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of New York City
For the weekend, you live in New England .
If you measure distance in hours,
You live in New England .
If you know several people who have hit a deer more
Than once, you live in New England .
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the
Same day and back again, you live in New England .
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow right after a
Raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England .
If you install security lights on your house and garage,
But leave both unlocked, you live in New England .
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how
To use them, you live in New England .
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
Snowsuit, you live in New England .
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph you're going 80 and
Everybody is passing you, you live in New England .
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes
Are filled with snow, you live in New England .
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still
Winter and road construction, you live in New England .
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car,
You live in New England .
If you find 15 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England .
If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England .
If you think everyone else has a funny accent, you live in New England .
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them
To all your New England friends & others, you live or
Have lived in New England.
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From: Liz
Subject: Coolest car on earth
Watch the whole video; it is a bit of a shocker when you learn who this
guy is and how he was raised.
Click here
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From: Liz
Subject: Football
Not sure how many of you watch football, I but found this very
interesting...
Two seconds left. You're on your own 35, down by two, 22 to 24. The play is
a pass. It's caught, but the receiver is in trouble. In desperation, he
laterals...
Click here
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From: Liz
Subject: Classic Cars Picture Archive: French Automobiles
Click here
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From: Liz
Subject: The 1940s = history of a decade
Click on this link to see the 1940s in review.
Click here
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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: man suffered a serious heart attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
clerks called an ambulance when they saw him collapse to the floor. The
paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Now this would be real news!
Some great lookalikes here, hope it makes you smile
Click here
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From: Sack
Subject: FW: How To Sell Toothbrushes.......
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little
Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash
on the teacher’s desk. "$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the
teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &
Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said
the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is
dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the government's strategy of
giving you something sh*tty for free and then making you pay to get the
taste out of your mouth."
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From: Sack
Subject: FW: 1st Graders--
A 1stgrade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She
presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to
believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may
surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders,
6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1.
Don't change horses
until they stop runnig.
2.
Strike while the
bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.
4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but
How?
6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
impossible
8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new
Math
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.
11.
Love all, trust
Me.
12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.
14.
Where there's smoke there's
pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.
16.
A penny saved is
not much.
17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.
19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.
20.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.
23.
You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box
24.
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.
25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.
Better late than
pregnant
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From: Sack
Subject: Paddy and Colleen
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini-van when
Suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy,
whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not
have any whips on hand, but in a
Flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van
and
Proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping
are
Starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one
look
At the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having s*x?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone
that she allowed the
Kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in
all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease
that I've ever seen"...
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From: Sack
Subject: lions will eat anything
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased;
He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,
He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,
Because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, Which is to collect honey from the South
African bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage -
because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to the other lions and says
'What's the food like here?'
The lions say:
'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
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From: Stumpy Steve
Prince William has announced that he doesn't want the traditional fruitcake
at his wedding.
Prince Phillip has said that he doesn't care, he's still going !!
---------------------------------------------
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating
agency.
---------------------------------------------
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
---------------------------------------------
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
---------------------------------------------------------
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe
that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
----------------------------------------------------
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death !!
-----------------------------------------------------
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get
an erection...
but she did.
-------------------------------------------------------
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From: Stumpy Steve
They sent my Census form back!!
In answer to the question 'do you have any dependants?',
I put 'asylum seekers, gypos, smack-heads, the cast of Jeremy Kyle, the
Tipton Taliban, Northern Rock, the Scottish NHS and half of Eastern
Europe'...apparently it wasn't the right answer!
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From: Stumpy Steve
Just put out my St George's flag out for the royal wedding but wasn't sure
if it would offend muslims.....so I wrote, "Allah was a paedofile", on it
just to make sure....
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From: Anonymous
Subject: THE BEST MILK COMMERCIAL EVER
Click here
:
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From: Burnout
Subject: My Grandad and his mates!
Click here
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From: Liz
Subject: How to discreetly feed a baby
Click here
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From: Liz
Subject: Can you believe this????
Click here Click here Click here Click here
THAT'S RIGHT . . .. BREAST IMPLANTS FOR YOUR TATTOO
OK - NOW you've seen everything!
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From: Liz
Subject: Beyond awesome..
Click here
Absolutely stunning photography
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From: Liz
Subject: Rethinking the Moon
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
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From: Liz
Subject: SHIPS IN TROUBLE - JAPAN
Some of the sad aftermath of the tsunami
Click here
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From: Liz
Subject: On the phone with Mom
Click here
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From: Liz
Subject: Escalade ...
Click here
They are both good climbers:)...Enjoy:)
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From: Liz
Subject: Shifting gears
Click here
These photos give new meaning to "overloaded." Gad!!!
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From: Liz
Subject: The Recipe
A man is showering up in a locker room
With his buddy when he notices his friend
Is very well endowed.
'Damn, Bob , you're hung!' Jim exclaims..
'I wasn't always this impressive; I had to
Work for it.'
'What do you mean?' Jim asked.
'Well, every day for the past two years
I've spent an hour each night rubbing it
With butter. I know it sounds crazy but
It actually made it grow 4 inches! You
Should try it.
'Jim agrees and the two depart'
A few months later the two are back in the
Same locker room and Bob asks Jim
How his situation was.
Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob ,
But I've actually gotten smaller! I lost
Two inches already!'
'Did you do everything I told you? An
Hour each day with butter?'
'Well, we don't use butter, so I've
Been using Crisco.'
Crisco!!' Bob exclaimed. '
Damn it, Jim,
Crisco is shortening!
MORAL OF THE STORY: You gotta follow the recipe &
men don't listen!
--
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From: Liz
Subject: Croc found in river near Manhattan, KS
Click here
One more thing to add to the list to watch out for!
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From: Liz
Subject: OMG!
Click here
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From: Liz
Subject: Hang Son Doong Cavern
Click here
Hang Son Doong Cavern
This is quite interesting and beautiful.
Largest cave in the world is in Viet Nam --beautiful
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From: Liz
Subject: Around the car
Click here
This happened in a road near a friend, where a car had been abandoned.
There's now a bare patch in the road after the car was eventually removed.
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From: Liz
Subject: Exercise
Click here
HEALTH MESSAGE:
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be
immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.
AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!
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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Faceless
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here
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From: Sack
Subject: FW: WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
_____
WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS
Part IV
Part V
And Finally!
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand
illustration:
B
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that
needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.
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From: anonymous
Subject: MASTER PAINTER
Click here
Extraordinary paintings, maybe the best I've ever seen for accuracy, and
likeness, almost like real photo's!
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From: anonymous
Subject: No More Mortgage
Click here
What £3 Billion in Pure Gold Looks Like
By Vince Wong
£3 billion in gold. Photo from The Daily Mail
“There are around 15,000 bars in this picture alone – that’s about
210 tonnes of pure gold, with a value of nearly £3 billion,” According
to The
Daily Mail, “and there’s plenty more out of view.”.
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Quote of the Week:
Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding.
- Mohandas K. Gandhi
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[ End friday humour ]
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