Friday humour - April 22, 2011

Remarkable quotes from remarkable Jews

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking
Canada.   David Steinberg
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.  They have no
holidays..........Henny Youngman
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for
every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and
amuse the breast beaters.  By the time I was five I knew I was that
one......... Mel Brooks
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will
not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is
Jewish.......Jules Farber
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us
nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.......Calvin
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years
into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East
that has no oil!....Golda Meir
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.........Peter Malkin
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with
me..........Benjamin Disraeli
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then
don't say it.......Sam Levenson
Don't be humble; you are not that great.......Golda Meir
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days
I had lost exactly two weeks......Joe E. Lewis
A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on........Sam Goldwyn
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy
something.......Jackie Mason
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve
immortality through not dying.......Woody Allen
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an
institution?........Groucho Marx
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy..........Groucho Marx
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to
it......Oscar Levant
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy
driving taxis and cutting hair.......George Burns
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.......Milton
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth,
even if it costs them their jobs.....Sam Goldwyn
Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.......Ernie
With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to
stink.......George Burns
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault......Henry
From: Liz
Fifi Flies Again---Only Flying B-29 in World!!!!
 Click on link at bottom

To see this thing fly in person is certainly on my bucket

To our friends who may not understand the passion we feel for planes and
particularly planes from WW11, this is Fifi. It is the only flying B-29
Strato Fortress in the world. This is one of the combat airplanes that flew
from Iwo Jima, Saipan, Tinian islands to bomb Japan and help win the war.
It was usually escorted by P-51 Mustangs to protect her from enemy fighters
but many thousands of planes and aircrews were lost fighting for our

This happened at a time in history before we had long range missiles and
electronics. These planes were flown by men from our farms and cities who
left their families at home and risked their lives in high altitude gun
fights. It was up close, brutal and extremely dangerous but they risked it
all to protect our country. Many never came home again. We love, respect
and honor all of our veterans. But we also have a love affair with the
It is a permanent addiction for us so we preserve these wonderful aircraft
so you can see and experience the marvelous machines that preserved our

We have completely rebuilt this aircraft and those powerful prop engines to
bring Fifi back to life. It took years to accomplish, many thousands of
donated dollars and thousands of hours of work by many unpaid volunteers to
make this happen so that everyone can share this important part of our
history. This is a unique flying museum.
If you get a chance to see her at an airshow, don't pass up the chance. You
are watching history and she is the only one left out of thousands. This is
truly a rare aircraft. Enjoy the video.

                          Col. Tom Leo
                          Golden Gate Wing

                                Someone did a nice job of filming Fifi, the
only flying B-2.

                                Click here



 From: Nottingham Smithie
Dance with sharks, the end is astounding !!

    Click here


From: Nottingham Smithie
This is nice
This is so cute I just had to share

 Click here


From: Sack
20 Reasons Horseback riding is better than s*x

20. No one looks at you strange if you wear spurs and carry a crop.
19. You can wear your riding clothes in public.
18. You don't have to sneak your riding magazines into the house.
17. If you have trouble with riding, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a
professional to show you how to improve your technique.
16. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about riding.
15. If your trainer takes videotapes of you riding, you don't have to worry
about them showing up on the internet if you become famous.
14. Your horse won't keep asking questions about other horses you've
13. If is perfectly acceptable to ride a horse you have never met before,
just once, or to ride many horses in the same day, whether you know them or
12. When you see a really good looking horse, you don't have to feel guilty
about imagining riding him/her.
11. If your regular horse isn't available, no one objects if you ride
another horse.
10. Noone can ever tell you that you can go blind if you ride by yourself.
9. When dealing with a riding professional, you never have to wonder if
they are really an undercover cop.
8. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbor to buy riding
7. You can have a riding calendar on your wall in the office, tell riding
jokes, and invite co-workers to ride with you without getting sued for
6. There is no such thing as a Riding Transmitted Disease.
5. If you have to watch horses on television, you don't have to subscribe
to a premium cable channel.
4. Nobody expects you to promise to ride the same horse for the rest of
your life.
3. Nobody expects you to give up riding if your equine partner loses
interest in the sport.
2. You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the
enjoyment of riding.
1. Your horse will never say, "WHAT? You just rode me last week! Is that
all you ever think about?"


From: Sack
1)  You will never play professional basketball.
2)  You swear very well.
3)  At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home
owner or holds political office.  And you have at least one aunt who is a
nun or an uncle who is a priest.
4)  You think you sing very well.
5)  You have no idea how to make a long story short!
6)  There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper and killing
7)  Many of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a
mortal sin.
8)  You have never hit your head on a ceiling.
9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer.
10)  You're strangely poetic after a few beers.
11)  Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.
12)  Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or
Eileen -- and there is at least one member of your family with the full
name -- Mary
Catherine Eileen
13)  Someone in your family is very generous.  It is more than likely you.
14)  You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.
15)  You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start
16)  You're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in
talent you make up for in frequency.
17)  There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last
keg party.
18)  You are, or know someone,
named Murph.
19)  If you don't know Murph,
then you know Mac.  If you don't know Murph or
Mac, then you must know Sully.
20)  You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
21)  You suffer from Irish
Alzheimer's -- you forget everything but the grudges!
22)  'Irish Stew' is a euphemism for 'boiled leftovers.'
23)  Your skin's ability to tan - ah -- not so much.
24)  Childhood remedies for the common cold often included some form of
25)  There is no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at least
forty-five minutes.
26)  At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not
speaking to each other.  Not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to each


From: The Great Gussius
A Sign? Man Bursts Into Flames at San Francisco S*x Shop
For seven years, Roger Huang, a pastor who runs a rescue mission in San
Francisco's Tenderloin district, has been trying to shut down the s*x shops
there. This week he may have seen a sign that his efforts are working.

On Wednesday, a man burst into flames while inside one of those porn shops,
police said. Could this bizarre incident be attributed to a higher power?

"I believe so. I definitely believe so," Huang told AOL News, adding that
he hopes the unidentified man is recovering from the burns.

The police aren't ruling anything out.

"We don't know what caused it," Lt. Troy Dangerfield of the San Francisco
Police Department told
AOL News. "It's still under investigation."

Witnesses reportedly saw the burning man running out of the Golden Gate
Adult Superstore in the city's South of Market neighborhood at about 6:20
p.m. Wednesday. The man ran past stunned onlookers and collapsed at the
corner of Mission and Sixth streets, police said.

"There was an ambulance crew that was in the area -- a private ambulance
company -- that witnessed this person collapse, so they [extinguished the
flames and] called it into the dispatch center," San Francisco Fire
Department spokeswoman Mindy Talmadge told AOL

The man, whose name has not been released, was taken to the burn center at
St. Francis Memorial
Hospital, where he is being treated for first-, second- and third-degree
burns that reportedly cover 90 percent of his body.

"He suffered life-threatening injuries," Dangerfield said, adding, "He's
still recovering."

According to KTVU, an employee said the man had been watching a film in the
back of the store when he suddenly ran out screaming and on fire.


+++ Time: 20110419160901
+++ From: The Great Gussius +++ Subject: Flashback to the fifties +++
 Click here


From: Whizzbang

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a
warm and dignified reception from the Queen..
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they
change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of
cheering Britons; all is going well
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth
shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.  The smell is atrocious
and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their
The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best
to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my
regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen
cannot control." Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your
Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it,
I thought it was one of the horses.


From: Whizzbang
Dyslectic Irish...a bad combo
Well, 'daylight saving' had just ended and in the early hours of that
Paddy found his dyslectic mate, Seamus, covering his penis with boot
Paddy said, "You idiot - you're supposed to TURN YOUR CLOCK


From: Anonymous
Tinian Island, Pacific (a little history)
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Tinian Island, Pacific
Written by Dr. Jack Wheeler

Tinian Island , Pacific Ocean.  It's a small island, less than 40 square
miles, a flat green dot in the vastness of Pacific blue.  Fly over it and
you notice a slash across its north end of uninhabited bush, a long thin
line that looks like an overgrown dirt runway.  If you didn't know what it
was, you wouldn't give it a second glance out your airplane window.On the
ground, you see the runway isn't dirt but tarmac and crushed limestone,
abandoned with weeds sticking out of it.  Yet this is arguably the most
historical airstrip on earth.  This is where World War II was won.
On July 24, 1944, 30,000 US Marines landed on the beaches of Tinian . 
Eight days later, over 8,000 of the 8,800 Japanese soldiers on the island
were dead (vs. 328 Marines), and four months later the Seabees had built
the busiest airfield of WWII - dubbed North Field -  enabling B-29
Superfortresses to launch air attacks on the Philippines, Okinawa, and
mainland Japan.
Late in the afternoon of August 5, 1945, a B-29 was maneuvered over a bomb
loading pit, then after lengthy preparations, taxied to the east end of
North Field's main runway, Runway Able, and at 2:45am in the early morning
darkness of August 6, took off.
The B-29 was piloted by Col. Paul Tibbets of the US Army Air Force, who had
named the plane after his mother, Enola Gay.  The crew named the bomb they
were carrying Little Boy.  6½ hours later at 8:15am Japan time, the first
atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima .
Three days later, in the pre-dawn hours of August 9, a B-29 named
Bockscar(a pun on "boxcar" after its flight commander Capt. Fred Bock),
piloted by
Major Charles Sweeney took off from Runway Able.  Finding its primary
target of Kokura obscured by clouds, Sweeney proceeded to the secondary
target of
Nagasaki , over which, at 11:01am, bombardier Kermit Beahan released the
atomic bomb dubbed Fat Man.
The commemorative plaque records that 16 hours after the nuking of Nagasaki
, "On August 10, 1945 at 0300, the Japanese Emperor without his cabinet's
consent decided to end the Pacific War."
Take a good look at these pictures, folks.  This is where World War II
ended with total victory of America over Japan . I was there all alone. 
There were no other visitors and no one lives anywhere near for miles. 
Visiting the Bomb Pits, walking along deserted Runway Able in solitude, was
a moment of extraordinarily powerful solemnity.
It was a moment of deep reflection.  Most people, when they think of
Hiroshima and Nagasaki , reflect on the numbers of lives killed in the
nuclear blasts - at least 70,000 and 50,000 respectively.  Being here
caused me to reflect on the number of lives saved - how many more Japanese
Americans would have died in a continuation of the war had the nukes not
been dropped. Yet that was not all.  It's not just that the nukes obviated
the US invasion of Japan , Operation Downfall, that would have caused
upwards of a million American and Japanese deaths or more.  It's that
Hiroshima and Nagasaki were of extraordinary humanitarian benefit to the
nation and people of Japan .

Let's go to this cliff on the nearby island of Saipan to learn why:
Saipan is less than a mile north of Tinian ..  The month before the Marines
took Tinian, on June 15, 1944, 71,000 Marines landed on Saipan .  They
faced 31,000 Japanese soldiers determined not to surrender.Japan had
Saipan after World War I and turned the island into a giant sugar cane
plantation.  By the time of the Marine invasion, in addition to the 31,000
entrenched soldiers, some 25,000 Japanese settlers were living on Saipan,
plus thousands more Okinawans, Koreans, and native islanders brutalized as
slaves to cut the sugar cane.There were also one or two thousand Korean
"comfort women" (kanjiin Japanese), abducted young women from Japan 's
colony of Korea to service the Japanese soldiers as s*x slaves.  (See The
Comfort Women: Japan 's Brutal Regime of Enforced Prostitution in the
World War, by George Hicks.) Within a week of their landing, the Marines
set up a civilian prisoner encampment that quickly attracted a couple
Japanese and others wanting US food and protection.  When word of this
reached Emperor Hirohito - who contrary to the myth was in full charge of
the war - he became alarmed that radio interviews of the well-treated
prisoners broadcast to Japan would subvert his people's will to fight. As
meticulously doc*mented by historian Herbert Bix in Hirohito and the Making
of Modern Japan, the Emperor issued an order for all Japanese civilians on
Saipan to commit suicide.  The order included the promise that, although
the civilians were of low caste, their suicide would grant them a status in
heaven equal to those honored soldiers who died in combat for their

And that is why the precipice in the picture above is known as Suicide
Cliff, off which over 20,000 Japanese civilians jumped to their deaths to
comply with their fascist emperor's desire - mothers flinging their babies
off the cliff first or in their arms as they jumped. Anyone reluctant or
refused, such as the Okinawan or Korean slaves, were shoved off at gunpoint
by the Jap soldiers.  Then the soldiers themselves proceeded to hurl
themselves into the ocean to drown off a sea cliff afterwards called Banzai
Cliff.  Of the 31,000 Japanese soldiers on Saipan , the Marines killed
25,000, 5,000 jumped off Banzai Cliff, and only the remaining thousand were
taken prisoner.

The extent of this demented fanaticism is very hard for any civilized mind
to fathom - especially when it is devoted not to anything noble but
barbarian evil instead.  The vast brutalities inflicted by the Japanese on
their conquered and colonized peoples of China , Korea , the Philippines ,
and throughout their "Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere" was a
hideously depraved horror.And they were willing to fight to the death to
defend it.  So they had to be nuked.  The only way to put an end to the
Japanese barbarian horror was unimaginably colossal destruction against
which they had no defense whatever.  Nuking Japan was not a matter of
justice, revenge, or it getting what it deserved.  It was the only way to
end the Japanese dementia.And it worked - for the Japanese.  They stopped
being barbarians and started being civilized.  They achieved more
prosperity - and peace - than they ever knew, or could have achieved had
they continued fighting and not been nuked.  The shock of getting nuked is
responsible.We achieved this because we were determined to achieve victory.
Victory without apologies.  Despite perennial liberal demands we do so,
America and its government has never apologized for nuking Japan .
Hopefully, America never will.

Note:  Tinian and Saipan, along with a third island, Rota, form a very
interesting political jurisdiction, The Commonwealth of the Northern
Islands or CNMI, which both is and is not a part of the U.S.   It is
directly north of Guam (the islands north of Saipan are currently
uninhabited).:I am here on business, for CNMI is open for business.
CNMI-based companies do not pay US corporate taxes but CNMI corporate taxes
of 6%.  CNMI residents (who are US citizens) do not pay federal income
taxes to the IRS, but pay CNMI income taxes of 9%.  The CNMI is one of the
best kept secrets in the tax-haven world.  I'll be telling you more about
this as
I learn more.

Oh, yes... Guinness lists Saipan as having the best, most equitable,
weather in the world.  And the beaches?  Well, take a look:


From: Anonymous

Prices are quoted in US dollars per gallon for regular unleaded as of March
Oslo,  Norway $6.82
Hong Kong $6.25
Brussels,  Belgium $6.16
London,  UK $5.96......... I wish recheck your figures buster
Rome,  Italy  $5.80
CANADA $5.36
Tokyo,  Japan $5.25
Sao Paul o ,  Brazil  $4.42
New Delhi,  India $3.71
Sidney,  Australia $3.42
Johannesburg ,  South Africa $3.39
Mexico City $2.22
Buenos Aires,  Argentina $2.09 ... YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS ......
Riyadh,  Saudi Arabia $0.09
Kuwait $0.08
Caracas,  Venezuela  $0.12
Gee, if only the U.S.   Was an oil producing nation.....
Hey, wait a minute!!! We are ,what the hell happened!!


From: Anonymous
Why boys need parents...
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From: Burnout
 Click here


From: Diks
Filmed at a High School Reunion-Rated "G"!
 Click here
                        Get ready for a good laugh!


From: Kaos_reflex
Violence on TV
 Click here
This PROVES that violence on TV affects those who watch.


From: Liz
Old Time Drag Racers
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From: Sack
Elephants song
 Click here


From: Sack
Talent? I'll show you TALENT !!!
 Click here


From: Stumpy Steve
Lady Police officers around the world
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These are the lady police officers of Asia.......
Hong Kong
North Korea
Singapore (She could Taser me anytime)
South Korea
Viet Nam

And then there's...The USA


From: Whizzbang
A Dog Praying..
 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Cartoon are getting tough
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You know things are bad when even the cartoonists make fun of such things!


From: Whizzbang
 Click here
Bugger that. I'm not going there, whever it is !


A Curry Tasters Report

Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who was
visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple of
local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:


Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Paul: Holy sh*t!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out.

I hope they think this tastes like food.


Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking p*ss off a thistle.


Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting sh*t-faced from all the


Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Paul: I felt something scr*ping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?


Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital
treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher.

I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p*sses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them
you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.


Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and
dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames leaping
from my ar*ehole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with
a red hot poker and I've just sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that . Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I thought.
I Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ar*e with a snow cone!
I think if I sit on the toilet now, my ar*ehole will go down for a drink of


Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear
soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.

Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid
unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away
and now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of
lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

F*ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.


Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

Paul: --------------editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.

[ End friday humour ]

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