Friday humour - April 15, 2011

From Gussius@Bluehaze

Not since Albert Einstein first split the Infinitive have we heard such
blatant butchering of logic about nuclear power safety. Apparently a top
level 7 catastrophe affecting Japan’s Fukishima reactor is rated the same
level as Chernobyl, but only 10% as bad.

This week also marks the 50th anniversary of Soviet cosmonaut Yuri
Gagarin's historic conquest of space.
A Soviet space capsule sold for nearly $US3 million at auction to a Russian
businessman in New York. The battered craft has serious historical
credentials as the model used for the final dummy run before Gagarin left
on his mission. It was used to carry a small dog, Zvezdochka, and a
life-sized human dummy into orbit and back. The scorched machine will
return to a museum in its homeland.

The Australian Government wants to lift the ban on sending Australian women
into combat, but it is unclear if Afghanistan is ready for female diggers.
Serves them right, they won’t know what hit them, poor buggers.

This week’s contributions are from Doratina, Kaos_reflex, Liz, Muse, Sack,
Burnout, Cartographer Chris,
Diks, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Whizzbang and of course Anonymous.


Another Marine Joke

You gotta love those Marines. I apologize in advance for the language....
but it really looses it flavor without it.........


A young Naval Officer was in a terrible aircraft accident, but due to the
heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of
both of his ears.

Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and
eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his
appearance/loss of ears.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine
Sergeant Major for a position on his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you
notice anything different, unusual about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why..... yes sir. I couldn't help but notice
you are missing your port and starboard ears, so I don't know whether this
impacts your hearing or not."

The Admiral, not impressed with his lack of tact....... dismissed him.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same
question, answered, "Well yes sir,
you seem to be short a couple of ears."

Not impressed with this reply either, he dismissed him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was extremely
sharp, not quiet as articulate as the chiefs, but seemed to know more than
the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but.......
again his selection was going to be based on his reply to the same
question. Sergeant
Major........ Do you notice anything unusual/different about

To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "No sir............. nothing other
than the fact that your wearing contact lenses........ sir."

The Admiral was surprised and equally impressed with his observation and
thought to himself, “what an incredibly tactful Marine."

"And just how did you come to this conclusion Sergeant Major?" the Admiral

The Sergeant Major paused for a second and replied, "Well sir..........
it's damn hard to wear glasses with no f*ckin ears............ sir !"

HoooooRaaaa and Semper Fi to all my fellow Marines...............


The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send
grandma on a cruise...

Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.

He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U. D."

She replied, "U. D.? Voos is U. D.?

He said, "U. D. is Upper Deck."

She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there
and he said, I see, that in addition to U. D., you also have O. C.

"Grandma replied, "O. C.? Voos is O. C.?"

The purser said, "O. C. is Outside Cabin."

Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.

She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, and he said,"Oh, I see that
you also have B. I. B."

"B. I. B.? Voos is B. I. B.?" asked grandma.

The cabin boy answered, " B. I. B. is Breakfast In Bed."

"Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."

Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her
room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed, and she said, "F. U. C.

Shocked, they said, "F. U. C. K? What do you mean F. U. C. K.?", to which
she replied, "Yes, F. U. C. K.

Foist U Could Knock!


A traveling salesman, out on the road for two months, was beginning to feel
lonely and horny. He stopped in at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the
bartender what men did for fun around here. The bartender told him to go to
room at the top of the stairs and wait for Vanessa. He did. Soon the door
opened to reveal the most beautiful black woman he had ever seen.

"Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm $20," she said. Much to his dismay the salesman
had only $18, which he promptly offered. "Vanessa does not lower her
standards for anyone," she said. "I'll send up Angela."

A few minutes later a beautiful white woman appeared, took his money and
treated him to a wonderful evening of sucking and f*cking.

Twenty-five years later, while on vacation, the sales-man found himself in
the same bar, talking to the same bartender. "Bet you don't remember me,"
he said.

"Sure I do," replied the bartender. "You're the guy that knocked up Angela
25 years ago. That's your son at the end of the bar. He's been in every
night for ten years, hoping to meet his daddy.

The salesman went over to the boy and said, "Son, I think I may be your

The boy said, "Great! What is my last name?"

"Bardowski," the salesman said.

"Oh, no," said the boy, "you mean that I waited ten years to find out that
I'm Polish?"

"Hey, kid," the salesman said, "it could've been worse. Two dollars more
and you'da been black too!"


Roo shooters:

Recently 3 mates went to Meekatharra in WA to go wild pig hunting and
kangaroo shooting. Perplexed after 5 long hot days and nights camping in
the sticks and not so much as even seeing a wild pig or kangaroo they agree
to go to town and buy some fresh provisions.

Whilst in town they go into the pub and convey their misery to the publican
not even a glimpse of a kangaroo or pig they exclaimed!

He said "well why don't you shoot a couple of abo's. Its legal up here this
time of year".

"Bullsh*t" they said "you're having a lend of us".

He said "fair dinkum you can shoot em here this time of year".

So the bloke bought a carton threw it in the back of the ute. He thought
for a minute and said I'll go back inside and double check, he asked the
publican again are you sure you can shoot abos up here mate, "yes" he said
"do you want it in writing".

He then returned to the ute and noticed the carton missing, he looked 50
metres down the main street and there was a bloke with his carton of
crownies on his shoulder.

He grabbed his gun lined him in his sights and dropped him with one bullet
there in the main street.

Next thing two cop cars come racing down the street to him and say "what
the hell do you think you are doing" ???

He says "well the bloke in the pub told me it's ok".

They said "yeah that's not a problem! "but you cant set


Twilight Landing At Los Angeles LAX (C*ckpit View):

 Click here

C*ckpit view of a twilight landing at Los Angeles airport compressed into
about 4 minutes. Can view this in full screen to see how awesome it really


Insane Downhill Bike Race In Chile:

This is a bike race happening on the streets of Valparaiso, Chile. The
Valparaiso Cerro Abajo Race is a legendary urban bike race and is more
extreme than skydiving. The rider must brave jumps, stray dogs,
and flights of stairs along the steep downhill path.

The first person perspective provided by the excellent helmet cam lets us
take in every glorious and frightening detail.

 Click here




This came from a friend. We don't know how many hands it has passed through
on its way to us but it is authentic. Almost makes an American wonder why
we don't send one or two more Carrier Groups to the seas off of Sendai.

On duty off Japan
Report from USS Ronald Reagan


Just thought I'd send an update from life today on USS Reagan. Some of you
have seen of this and some haven't. Its been quite a week. Many challenging
times, avoiding radioactive plumes and contamination in the environment
both air and water. Sailors here are happy to help in such a trifold
disaster but its also been pretty scary at times for us too. I think all
the rad we've seen is safe low levels but we do hear of high levels now and

Since we are a nuclear carrier we have all the requisite devices to measure
radiation in the environment and keep the ship safe, however, not sure the
chain of command ever considered having to use these devices in a situation
quite like this. Literally, our chain of command was the resident experts
on things nuclear until task forces started to get set up and organized.

We had a rough time trying to figure out where to go at first but have
nestled into an area north of Sendai that saw much damage and is also a
safe distance from the reactors at Fukishima.

We found many people at first, ~ 10-20 landing zones, then the past few
days were quieter and today we found more people that needed to be rescued.

The helos and airplanes go out and look at the country looking for people
with cameras and stuff.
Japanese are really smart at disaster prepardness. The displaced people
that need help write sos on the ground in big fields or drop lots of stones
on the ground in an helo pad shape or spell out S O S . Then the helos know
there are people nearby that need help so they land and look and bring back
supplies. Many,
many Japanese have been helped in this way. I'm guessing they are without
power but yet they inherently know to do this.

When the helos land on the ground the japanese come out and stand in a
perfect line and help the helo guys unload all the goodies out of the helo
in an assembly line as fast as possible. They have been ever so respectful,
patient and humble. They are such an amazing people. Even in this horrible
time, they maintain such respectability.

My friend who is a helo pilot told me tonight that as they were taking off
after unloading supplies, a man got down on his knees and prayed to the
helo guys (like a buddhist praying motion). Other Japanese have all waved,
clapped, and given many types of thanks to our helo squadrons.

I saw pictures tonight from the helo's and airplanes. The pictures are
amazing. I've never been to Japan but its so beautiful, the mountain sides
are breathtaking and the ocean on the northeast coast is SO BLUE!
There is a lot of destruction in the pictures. Towns just wiped out and
houses remaining where the water stopped. I also heard the Japanese had a
lot of water walls to help protect them from tsunamis and this helped in
many locations but not all of course. I haven't had much time to watch the
news and all we get is
CNN so these pictures today were unique to me.

Today at sea I saw a LOT of trees in the ocean. It looked like a lumber
yard, logs and trees everywhere.
Many trees have the root systems attached. I swear, I'd bet money that
chunks of land lifted up from the seaside with the trees attached because
some of the trees stick straight up and down out of the water as if they
are solid in ground (but the water depth is 1000-2000' in those spots. The
ocean is littered with connex boxes, I've seen soooo much debris out here,
I wish we could have blown some of it up so that at least they weren't
hazards to navigation.

There are media from the NYTimes here today so maybe there will be more
news about us coming.

The guys on the flight deck have been working so hard, its really cold
outside, they have to wear overboots over their boots to protect from
contamination and they return back into the skin of the ship through the
foc'sle which is now a decontamination station. I've heard that line lasts
an hour to get through. If your clothes or boots are too high then they
take them from you and issue you new gear.
Fibers and clothes hold radiation moreso than hard surfaces and so I think
some things like halyards and lines may have to be thrown away. Our
'lookouts' have been inside the pilothouse almost this entire time now and
believe the island structure has some contamination on it. My forecasters
stopped launching weather balloons.

My team has been working so hard and sleeping so little and giving
everything they've got. The forecasts for the helos are paramount and CAG
is definitely concerned for his guys. The captain has told me repeatedly to
keep him abreast of the winds and call him anytime when we will be
'downwind' from the reactors. There are people making 'plumes' models of
the air and sea, some are good, some are great,
and some are not. Its all very complicated. And the jets, well, they
haven't really been flying so who knows what will happen with them.

When this is all over I intend to travel back here and find a place in the
country that is clean and safe to be and enjoy everything this beautiful
country has to offer.

Yesterday everyone donated supplies from their personal stashes. I'm hoping
we do that again.

All for now, sorry if this email is kind of choppy just wanted to pass
along the latest.



12 Facinating Food Facts:

 Click here


Interesting apartment:

Think your apartment is small? Try living in 90 square feet. Watch the

 Click here


Third wish:

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out
of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third
wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish
was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first
wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was
before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always
wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever,
"That was your first wish, too!"


S*x guide for a computer nerd:

1. be user friendly
2. take bytes
3. fondle joystick
4. spread sheet
5. fit a surge protector
6. activate hardware
7. insert disc all the way
8. back it up
9. repeat 7 & 8 until megabytes
10. eject floppy


Is there a Doctor in the house?

A doctor is relaxing at home in front of the TV on sat*rday night with a
nice cold beer. He's throwing peanuts into the air and catching them in his

His wife said something to distract him and a peanut landed in his ear. He
tried to get it out with a finger but only succeeded in pushing it in

The wife suggested a visit to hospital. They were on the way out the door
when the couples teenage daughter and boyfriend returned from a date at the

“I know what to do” said the boyfriend. He stuck two fingers up the doctors
nose and told him to blow as hard as he could. The peanut came flying out.

Later, the wife and doctor were talking.

“He's cool calm and collected in a crisis” said the wife “do you think he
could become a doctor when he finishes school?

“He certainly could” said the doctor still rubbing his sore nose “but from
the smell of his fingers he could become our son-in-law.”


Time to clean the inside of your monitor - again: xxx

 Click here


Dead penguins; I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica
- where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives
an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well
as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring
throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, the devil made me do it!!!

I fell for it too.


I'll make it home......

 Click here


Discipline at the classroom:

 Click here Click here Click here


Health tips for Canadians:

*This just in from the Government of Canada*


 Click here

These guys get all the good benefits!!


Thought for the day:

 Click here

Have you ever wondered if the dollar bills in your purse or wallet were
ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day!

Always remember to wash your hands after handling money!
That's my public service announcement for the day.

Thank you very much!


The chalk guy is back!

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The chalk guy is back with some new ones!!! Positively astounding !! This
guy continues to amaze people with his sidewalk 3D chalk drawings.


Maccas anyone??

 Click here

This is a real sign, real advertising... BIG SPELLING MISTAKE!
Billboard on cnr Beaudesert and Granard Rds, Rocklea, Qld. Australia .
Live Local? Check it out! It's becoming a tourist attraction with the
locals and
Brisbanites alike!!

Just as well I don't eat Maccas!!!!!!! 


A mother's love:

 Click here

Normally I don't forward a lot of these, but even by my standards, it was a
bit touching.  I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read
it.  Hope it touches your heart like it did mine.   This is so

A little boy says to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're

His mother replied,  "Don't even go there! From what I  remember about that
party,  you're f*cking lucky you don't bark!


The World In The Sea:

Wait till you see this!!


 Click here


Amazing pictures from the Poles:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


Best kayak ever:

 Click here


Worth at least one smile:

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If you didn't smile at least once, I've failed my mission:=)


Sports Shoe:

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Five toe leisure sports shoe


Public Health Announcement!!

 Click here


The correct way to weigh yourself:

I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.



A Lesson in Gun Handling XXX

 Click here

What is wrong in this picture?

The first thing I noticed was that she's not wearing ear or eye protection.

She is also jerking the trigger.

Her grip is also too low, resulting in noticeable muzzle flip.

I also notice that she fired off 537 rounds without reloading, before
deciding to send it to YOU for further analysis.



 Click here

I hope this means something different from what I think it does.


Russian Churches:

 Click here


These buildings are beautiful, and the photographs are spectacular, the
music of Mozart is simply wonderful........ enjoy !


How to Hide Dead Trees:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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How to Hide Dead Trees WHAT A GREAT IDEA !!!!!!!!!
What a way to clean up and display ...............

All the old cottonwood trees in the area of Craig , Colorado , had some

and needed to be removed. So the city council approved a Chainsaw
competition in the park and offered a prize. The attached pictures are a
result of the competition in the park. Great artists! Great public service.

And this all came about from just a thought..... Remarkable !


One Beer A Week !

 Click here Click here

One Beer A Week !

The doctor told me, "You can have just one beer a week!"
So I ordered one !

I'm feeling much better now !


Spectacular Military Photographs!

 Click here


Tiger's New Playground:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Tiger Woods is preparing to move into his $60 million Florida mansion -
which comes complete with a running track and four-hole golf course.

The golfer, whose marriage to Elin Nordegren ended in a hugely expensive
divorce last year, posted photos of his new pad on his blog and said he was
'excited' about making it his home.

'Pretty soon, I'll be moving into my new home in Jupiter, Florida ,' he

'I'm excited about that and I'm even more excited about my new practice
facility. It's phenomenal.'

Following their divorce - which is rumoured to have cost Woods $100 million
- the former World Number One took over the planning and has transformed
the property into a state of the art bachelor pad.

The mansion, which overlooks the Atlantic Ocean , boasts huge windows for
incredible sea views and has a glass-fronted lift for anyone too tired to
take the stairs.

As well as a gigantic master bedroom - with, a little ironically,
his-and-hers bathrooms - there are three further bedroom suites.

According to his architects' plans, the basement also houses a large wine
cellar and possibly a cinema and games area with the best equipment for
Woods' children Sam and Charlie.

Scores of tall trees and high boundary walls surround the plot, ensuring
the privacy the golfer craves.

Another four buildings adjoin the main house, including a boathouse, golf
training studio, a stand-alone garage and a huge guesthouse.

Writing on his blog, Woods said he was particularly excited about using his
new 3.5-acre back yard golf course.

'Working with my team, I designed the short-game facility and oversaw its
construction,' he revealed.

'It features four greens, six bunkers with different depths and kinds of
sand, a video center and a putting studio.

'If no wind is blowing, the longest club I can hit is a 7-iron. It's also
set up so I can hit shots out of my second-storey studio.'


Wiser Water Usage:XXX

 Click here

For all you Tit men…


Where can I get some of these?

 Click here


National Day in Japan!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Today's lesson is about Japan.

Why Japan? Because they have a "National Penis Day"

I only forwarded this because some pr*ck sent it to me.


Finally................. A Game I like--XXX

 Click here


Remember the Good Old Days of Footy:

 Click here


Retired Truckies Camper:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Now that's a camper!!!!!


Sickest Cartoon: THIS IS BAD:

Winner of the Sickest cartoon of the Year Award...

 Click here


Wal-Mart People Winners- All NEW!!

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Watch The Kick!!!

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I Have Just Realised This:

 Click here

It just hit me!

My pet dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her.

She can eat whenever she wants, 24 hours a day /7 days of the week /365
days of the year. Her meals are provided at no cost to her.

She visits the Dr. Once a year for her check-up, and again during the year
if any medical needs arise.

For this she pays nothing and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than she
needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. .
If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.
She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
She is living like a Queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of her costs are picked up by others.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head like
a ton of bricks,
My dog must be an Illegal Immigrant.



Bullet Recall

 Click here


Yodeling - put your speakers on:

This is real talent. Hope it will brighten your day !!
This delightful young lady is only 11 years of age.

Whether you like Yodelling or not, you have to listen to this kid belt it

The young lady is from the Coombs area. For you who don't know where
Coombs is, it is about a two-hour drive north of Victoria , and just west
Parkville and Qualic*m Beach on Vancouver Island, BC Canada .

Coombs is a very small rural community. Years ago the owners of the general
store decided to have live goats live on the roof of their store.. Yes,
they live up there!

People from all over the world visit the quaint arts and crafts shops in
Coombs, as well as taking in a delicious home-cooked meal at one of their

This is a departure from the normal singing we hear and it is a refreshing

 Click here


An Elite Group of the Mexican Army:

 Click here

No wonder the drug lords are winning


This beats Wal-Mart:

 Click here


New UK Onshore & Offshore Pay Scales URGENT!!!

 Click here

Very Good Speech Turn Up The Volume



 Click here


Dance With Sharks!

Turn on the sound...........

Dance with sharks, the end is astounding !!

 Click here

Use your Full Screen


[ End friday humour ]

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