Friday humour - April 08, 2011

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Quick one this week. No time for pontification ...

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Did you know?

If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side
of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on
the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million
individual flowers

Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

Communications giant Nokia was founded in 1865 as a wood-pulp mill by
Fredrik Idestam.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is
considered an insult!

People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he
declined.

Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in
their stomachs.

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to
shave them off!

Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible
for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time
when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

There are over 25 million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of
Champagne

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears
out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

The heat of peppers is rated on the Scoville scale

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground
for thousands of years

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one
end

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human
body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related
diseases.

When it originally appeared in 1886 - Coca Cola was billed as an Esteemed
Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and
newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every
English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

For every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted
in its place.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke
unless it's heated above 450°F

The Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London that
sold seashells

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the
ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand
of man

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air
density

Fish and Chip selling officially remained an offensive trade until 1940 due
to the smell it produces

The University of Alaska spans four time zones

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of
marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru(See no
evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil) and Mazaru(Speak no evil).

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy
Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the
disease it was intended to prevent

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why
it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when
knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can
see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost
is sight

Trivia in Roman mythology was the goddess who haunted crossroads,
graveyards and was the goddess of sorcery and witchcraft. She wandered
about at night, and was seen only by the barking of dogs who told of her
approach.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred
grams

It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed
involving vending machines

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than
15,000 meters

Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the
buttons on the left

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could
set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down

The painting that won second place in a competition held by the US National
Academy of Design was hanging upside down when it was judged

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel
are needed at lift-off

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the
elements.

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Peculiar old black and white photos
 Click here

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Subject: 10 things to learn from Japan

10 things to learn from Japan.

1. THE CALM
     Not a single visual of chest-beating or wild grief. Sorrow itself has
been elevated.

2. THE DIGNITY
     Disciplined queues for water and groceries. Not a rough word or a
crude gesture.

3. THE ABILITY
     The incredible architects, for instance. Buildings swayed but didn't
fall.

4. THE GRACE
    People bought only what they needed for the present, so everybody could
get something.

5. THE ORDER
    No looting in shops. No honking and no overtaking on the roads. Just
understanding.

6. THE SACRIFICE
    Fifty workers stayed back to pump sea water in the N-reactors. How will
they ever be repaid?

7. THE TENDERNESS
    Restaurants cut prices. An unguarded ATM is left alone. The strong
cared for the weak.

8. THE TRAINING
     The old and the children, everyone knew exactly what to do. And they
did just that.

9. THE MEDIA
     They showed magnificent restraint in the bulletins. No silly
reporters. Only calm reportage.

10. THE CONSCIENCE
      When the power went off in a store, people put things back on the
shelves and left quietly!

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 This is remarkable - have a go!
 Click here

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Just a reminder to what can go wrong at an air show.  We will no doubt hear
all about it from Brian Williams when he gets back from
Florida.
 Click here Click here

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April Fool`s Day is observed throughout the western world.
But where and how did it it ever get started?
The closest point in time that can be identified as the beginning of this
tradition was in 1582, in France. Prior to that year, the new year was
celebrated for eight days, beginning on March 25. This of course was in the
Spring as everything is reborn. The celebration culminated on April 1.
When Pope Gregory XIII ordered a new calendar, (the Gregorian Calendar) to
replace the old Julian Calendar, the new year was moved to January 1.
However, communications being what they were in the days when news traveled
by foot, many people did not receive the news for several years.  Others
simply refused to accept the new calendar and continued to celebrate the
New Year on April 1.  These
"backward folk" were labeled as "fools" by the general populace. They were
made fun of and were often sent on "fools errands" or made the butt of
other practical jokes. This evolved over time into a tradition of
prank-playing on the first day of April. This tradition spread to England
and Scotland in the 18th century. And was introduced to the American
colonies of both the English and
French soon after.

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Odd distortions...
 Click here

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10 Drugs you shouldn't take while driving
 Click here

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National Geographic's Photo Contest 2010 - The Big Picture - Boston.com
 Click here

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One lucky guy, no helmet either.
 Click here

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The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer
and the Irish Railway Company! Love it!

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of
standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service
and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of
transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of
David , 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in
the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

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A Surf Coast young surfer called Dwyer
Really liked playing with fire.
One night in the dark
He swam with a shark
And now his voice is two octaves higher.

A crafty old crim in Long Bay
Studied grammar by night and by day.
He then changed all the functions of verbs and conjunctions,
And shortened his sentence that way.


A bloke in Menindee called Starling
Whose wife was crabby and snarling.
Said to her “My dear
I have an idea
Go jump in the river....Darling”

A simple, young girl from Mount Isa
Married a miserable miser.
She'd had little education
And had a life of starvation,
But divorce made her fatter and wiser.

A very thin lady from Rye
Who was shaped like a capital I.
When they said “It's so sad”
She learned how to pad
Which just shows that figures can lie.

God gave orders but Eve wasn't heedin'
On an apple she just started feedin'
Then she gave one to Adam
Who said “Thank you madam”
Then both were tossed out of Eden.


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Exam questions we'd like to see...

Question one:

Discuss the following:

“Schools have become a significant problem in modern society. Consider
bullying. Every class should carry a Government mental health warning.”

(Question value - 20% of total pass mark, so don't p*ss around with your
answer. You only have 30 minutes to complete this question. 1200 words are
required. Smartar*e answers are likely to get a fail mark. Clever-d*cks
will attract victimisation in the playground afterwards. Detention on a
whim is also a real option. Stressed out whimps and Princesses can suck it
up. The complaints department is closed so don't bother seeking a review of
your grading. Do not touch your pencil until instructed.)

Question two:

(Multiple choice)

The breadth and depth of our modern secondary and tertiary education
system, merely equips students with minimum skills. This is comparable to
having to find your way to the corner shop, across shark infested waters
using only a globe of the World to navigate.

The reason for this is:
(a) The system itself is myopic,
(b) Teachers are pedantic,
(c) Students soon realise they only need to learn how to pass exams,
(d) Useful subjects are not in the curriculum,
(e) Many teachers are only there waiting for long service leave,
(f) All of the above.

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What is the difference between an airline hostess and a step ladder? Not
everyone has been up a step ladder.

I met my stockbroker at a bar for long lunch. After a few drinks, we went
back to my place and I offered her an exercisable option over my body. I
then did to her what she had done to my share portfolio.

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S*X AT 82!

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have s*x
at 82!

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 73.....so it's not far to walk home
afterwards!

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Now, this is my kind of fishing.......a quick IN & OUT with a big haul!!!!!

Takes a while but worth it.......hit the link below!!!!

 Click here

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SMIDSY revenge
 Click here

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Beautiful - Stunt of the Week
 Click here

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New Walmartians
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Church Signs
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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This picture is worth a trillion $$
 Click here
House Minority Leader Lawrence F. Cafero Jr., R-Norwalk, pictured standing,
far right, speaks while colleagues Rep. Barbara Lambert,
D-Milford and Rep. Jack F. Hennessy, D-Bridgeport, play solitaire Monday
night as the House convened to vote on a new budget. (AP)
The guy sitting in the row in front of these two....he's on Facebook, and
the guy behind Hennessy is checking out the baseball scores.

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This was all a stunt and the pilot was not really drunk.
 Click here

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Three quick "Oh No!" Videos
 Click here

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DO NOT MARRY AN ITALIAN GIRL
 Click here

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Smile for the day
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Feeling unappreciated lately? The next time you feel that nobody loves you,
no one cares or that no one ever notices you, think of this guy:
 Click here

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Surprise!!!!
 Click here

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Buildings that look like famous people
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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A Man's Computer Room
 Click here
Where is the beer fridge???

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Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a
perpetual candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'


She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

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After both suffering depression for a while, me and my husband were going
to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once he killed himself I started to feel a lot
better,

So I thought screw it, I'll soldier on!

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Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water?
The 1st one was Jesus..
The 2nd was the apostle, Peter.
Then there was this guy, Ralph ...
 Click here

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ABC for kids past and present
 Click here Click here

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Heady humour ....
 Click here

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This is a test to determine if you are an alcoholic...
 Click here
You're an alcoholic if you saw the 'Bar' sign first.

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This is a MUST SEE.. For those who can't speak German, just watch in awe..
 Click here

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Old Burdekin Rail Bridge (Queensland : Aust.):
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
Is this the bridge that's just above the sand now? Back in those days, I
guess that they didn't have OH&S!
Imagine what it would feel like driving out onto this bridge in Queensland
when the river was in flood; take a look at the last photo!!

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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