Friday humour - April 01, 2011

From Gussius @ Bluehaze

Happy April Fool’s day. It’s hard to believe a year has gone by since the
last flurry of tweets, SMSs and even old paper notes urging me to call Roy
Nossiris or Mr Lyon at a phone number which turned out to be the local Zoo.

This week the hat-trick is on for celebrity passings – Liz Taylor followed
Michael Jackson. That probably means if Za Za is not next; it will have to
be someone who is relatively normal.

The Aussies had a glorious victory when the Socceroos beat Germany this
week in the Worl Cup. Of course that is not news. We have beaten Germany
twice before in both world wars.

NATO is continuing military action in Libya because government forces are
killing innocent civilians. It’s a shame NATO weren’t around on May 4,
1970 when a similar incident occurred in Godzone country. The nation was
horrified to witness the shooting of unarmed college students at Kent
State University by members of the Ohio National Guard. No sign of NATO
then, but you may wonder where Gadaffi got his inspiration.

Contributions this weeks are from: Diks,  Duke of Barsinov,  Kaos_reflex,
Liz, Sack, Wellington Ben,
Whizzbang, philk, Cartographer Chris, Duke of Barsinov, Liz, Nottingham
Smithie, Sack, Stumpy Steve and Anonymous.


16 Spitfires!

Only for those who like Spitfires. Other please abstain, poor sods!

That is what heaven must look and sound like.

the video is great, turn up the sound.

 Click here


Another one for the War Buffs - Raptor not used in Libya:

Limitations Keep Raptor on Sidelines in Libya Campaign

One aircraft conspicuous by its absence over the skies of Libya is the U.
S. Air Force's vaunted F-22 Raptor air dominance fighter. The Lockheed
Martin-built jet was likely benched due to its inability to communicate
with other coalition aircraft and its limited ability to hit ground
targets, analysts said.

Because the F-22 can currently only use two 1,000-pound Joint Direct Attack
Munitions against fixed targets, it is not as valuable as the F-15 when it
comes to air-to-ground capability. (U. S. Air Force)

"The designers of the F-22 had a dilemma, which is whether to have the
connectivity that would allow versatility or to have the radio silence
that would facilitate stealthiness. What they opted for was a limited set
of tactical data links," said Loren Thompson, an analyst and chief
operating office at the Lexington
Institute, Arlington Va.

The F-22 can only connect with other F-22s via an intraflight data link,
and can only receive, but not transmit, over the standard Link-16 data
link found on most allied aircraft. Radio emissions from various data
links could potentially give away the aircraft's position, Thompson said.
As such, while the Raptor is the stealthiest operational aircraft in the
world, it lacks much of the connectivity found on other warplanes,
he said. The aircraft also lacks a significant air-to-surface punch.
Currently, the F-22 can only use two 1,000-pound Joint Direct Attack
Munitions, which are GPS-guided bombs, against fixed targets. It does not
yet have the ability to carry the 250-pound Small Diameter Bomb (SDB) or
to create synthetic aperture radar maps, which are black and white
photo-quality images of the Earth's surface, needed to select its own
ground targets. By contrast, an F-15E Strike Eagle can carry 24,000 pounds
of ordnance. Those capabilities will be available once the Increment 3.1
hardware and software upgrade is fielded into the operational Raptor fleet
later this year. However, even with Increment 3.1 installed, the
F-22 will only be able to designate two targets in total for the eight SDBs
it would be able to carry.

The operational test force has been putting Increment 3.1 through its paces
at Nellis AFB, Nev., since
November. However, the addition of Increment 3.1 will not resolve the
Raptor's basic inability to connect with other aircraft, nor has the Air
Force articulated a clear plan for the F-22 to do so. A future upgrade
called Increment 3.2 was to have included the Multifunction Advanced
Data-link (MADL) found on the F-35
Joint Strike Fighter, however, the Air Force deleted funding for that data
link last year. The MADL is also planned for integration into the B-2,
which would have enabled the entire Air Force stealth aircraft fleet to be
connected during operations inside hostile airspace. Further, it is only
with the addition of Increment 3.2 that the Raptor would be able to
independently retarget eight SDBs at eight separate targets.

Under the Air Force's global strike task force doctrine, the Raptor would
normally escort B-2 Spirit stealth bombers in "kicking down the door" of
an enemy's air defenses. However, U. S. Africa Command, which is running
Operation Odyssey Dawn, confirmed the F-22 has not flown over Libya. "I
see no indication that F-
22s were used as an escort for the B-2 nor do I see anything that indicates
the Raptor will be used in future missions over Libya," said Air Force Maj.
Eric Hilliard, a spokesman for Africa Command. On
March 20, three B-2s flew bombing runs out of their base at Whiteman Air
Force Base (AFB), Mo., against targets in Libya.

Analysts concurred that part of the reason for the absence of the Raptor is
that it was not needed to defeat
Libya's relatively pedestrian air defenses. The Libyans have a largely
obsolete fleet of aircraft and only older model Soviet surface-to-air
weaponry. "Frankly, they might not be needed. Libya's defenses were not
that robust to begin with and were rolled back quite handily," said Mark
Gunzinger, an analyst with the
Center for Strategic and Budgetary Analysis, Washington. "Libya is not
generally considered a highly capable adversary," Thompson added.
Gunzinger said that the B-2s probably flew at night, which would eliminate
any chance of the billion-dollar warplane being spotted visually by the
enemy. The large subsonic aircraft could be potentially vulnerable if it
was seen, which is why it would be escorted by high performance stealth
fighters like the F-22 if it was flying against a more challenging foe
such as Iran or
North Korea, Thompson said.


Possible illegal use of video surveillance of phoneless man:

A South Carolina man who twice pleaded guilty to having s*x with a horse
has been released from prison after 16 months and ordered to stay away
from the stable where the animal lives.
Probation officials said Monday that Rodell Vereen, 51, was let out of
prison March 1.

Vereen must complete two years of probation or he will have to finish the
five-year sentence he received in November 2009 after pleading guilty to
buggery and trespassing. The Sun-News of Myrtle Beach first reported
Vereen's release.

Vereen was arrested after the owner of the horse staked out her stable and
caught Vereen sneaking inside. She held him at gunpoint until police

The owner said she spent several nights in the barn after catching Vereen
having s*x with the animal on surveillance tapes. She feared he had
returned because her horse was acting strange and getting infections
again. She also noticed dirt and hay piled up near the horse's stall in
Longs, about 20 miles northeast of Myrtle Beach.

Vereen was caught having s*x with the same horse in late 2007 and was on
probation from that incident when he was arrested a second time,
authorities said.

The owner of the horse didn't immediately return a message from The
Associated Press on Monday, but her husband said she knew Vereen was out
of prison and she was scared he would come back to their stables.

A phone number for Vereen couldn't be found. Before he pleaded guilty, he
told Myrtle Beach television station WMBF-TV he was sorry if he hurt the
horse or anyone else. He said he wasn't taking his medicine for
schizophrenia when he went to the stables and promised to keep taking his
medicine when he got out of prison.

Vereen also must continue to register as a s*x offender.



10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day


What's in a name:

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose
lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was
born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their
senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood
early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy
in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was
swift to say the least, and the
Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the
two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In
less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and
the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that
Timothy Murphy had been elected

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with
all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private
session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After a long
silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the
thought of the leader of the
Roman Catholic Church being called ................ POPE SECOLA.

(No groaning now! You know you're going to pass it on to Catholic and
non-Catholic friends alike! )



Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'. Arriving
in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught

The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's a very competitive price,"
and handed over his money.

"Will you be wanting a glass with that?" enquired the barman..........


Lipstick in School:

According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney's Eastern
Suburbs was recently faced with an unusual problem. A number of the girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put
them back. Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl,
and cleaned the mirror with it. The silence was broken by a large number of
gasps, a few girls vomited and apparently someone  fainted. Since then
there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers . . . And then there are educators.


Showdown In Elk Town (Estes Park , Colorado):

So beautiful.

 Click here


The World's Landmarks:

How Well Do You Know the World's Landmarks?

This is fun! These pictures were taken from an airplane and you have to
guess the location. There are 16 photos and you probably won't get a
perfect score. You will also probably miss at least one you'll say you
should have gotten!

 Click here


Lenten Dissent:

Poem by Cherie Lashway

There once was a logger, named Paddy O'Connell,
Who at lunch during Lent, found himself at McDonalds,

And had just settled down to his Big Mac and fries,
When along came his priest, much to both their surprise.

The priest said to Paddy, "Just what are you eating?
In this season of Lent, I sure hope you're not cheating."

Paddy said to the Father, "I'll tell you no lies.
I'm enjoying a Big Mac, along with some fries."

The priest said to Paddy, "I see no repentance.
Because of this sin, you will have to do penance.

"By Friday or sooner, I say that you should,
For our fireplace, deliver a cord of chopped wood."

Now our timberman, Paddy, an overworked man,
Did think to himself, "I don't think that I can."

But early on Friday, our priest, he heard shoveling,
And looked out the window at Paddy not groveling.

And saw with confusion, dismay and disgust,
That the wood bin was now almost filled with saw dust.

He called down below, barely hiding his ire:
"Hey Paddy, your penance was wood for the fire!"

To which Paddy said, rising up from his work,
While wiping his brow and concealing a smirk:

"I've brought you a cord, like you said that I should,
But if burger be meat, well then sawdust be wood!"

 Click here


Air Traffic Control chaos

This ATC guy was having a bad day which started when 3 airplanes didn't
follow instructions.

 Click here

"To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be."

No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the Dog
next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you! Those of you with
an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there
is no hidden message revealed by reading this notice backwards.

If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg
whites and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it
stand for 2 hours before icing.


Thanks for the entertainment over the years. I was interested in the
limerick you published on 11 March (takes me a while to catch up):

There was a young bloke called Menzies
Whose kisses sent girls into frenzies
But a virgin one night
Crossed her legs in a fright
And fractured his bifocal lenses

Of course, if you pronounce Menzies the Scottish way, the rhyme changes...

There was a young bloke called Menzies
Who was talented at c*nniling*s
But a virgin one night
Crossed her legs in a fright
We don't know what happened - don't ring us.

Ed - Thanks for the valued correction. The second version takes a lot of


Sultan of Brunei houses his fleet of 7,000 cars:

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Sultan of Brunei houses his fleet of 7,000 cars in most unique parking

Everyone is familiar with the Sultan of Brunei and his love for cars.

The man is known to own a collection of 7,000 high performance cars valued
at over "$5 billion".

According to the Daily Mirror, as of June 30th 2010, he owns 604 Rolls
Royces, 574 Mercedes-Benz,
452 Ferraris, 382 Bentleys, 209 BMWs, 179 Jaguars, 134 Koenigseggs, 21
Lamborghinis, 11 Aston Martins,
and 1 SSC.

Wondering just where his fleets of cars reside?

Well, the Sultan parks his collection in five (5) aircraft hangars nearThe
Empire Hotel. Step inside and you are sure to be lost among the herd of
cars that are arranged according to types/ brands. Specialist teams from
the various manufacturers maintain the various machines.

This enormous garage is enough to put to shame some of the worlds most
expensive garages. This building is sure to become a shrine for every car

Top 10 Most Expensive Cars in the World 2010

10. SSC Ultimate Aero: $740,000

New model with 270 mph top speed, spiller made from carbon, a temperature
sensor and tire pressure to optimize driving conditions.SSC ultimate aero

9. Leblanc Mirabeau: $765,000

Designed with 24 hours resilience test at Le Mans. It can be driven on the
road legally. Mirabeau is using
4.7-liter V8 engine, 700 hp, and can reach average speed of 230 miles/hour.
Specially made to order,
including for semi automatic transmission system version.

8. Koenigsegg CCX: $1.1 Million

This car used V8 engines and only 806 units produced. It only takes 3.2
seconds to reach 100 Kms/hour.
Top speed can be reach easily is 245 mph. The car tires use rim carbon,
with 6 speed, and ceramic brakes.

7. Koenigsegg CCXR : $1.3 Million

Koenigsegg CCXR is another variant from Koenigsegg CCX that signed in
environmentally friendly cars.

This car uses biofuels, need 3.1 seconds to reach 100km/hour, with top
speed 250mph.

6. Maybach Landaulet: $1.4 Million

This car is most expensive cars brand from Germany. Landaulet is the most
expensive saloon car.
This car has 604 HP, with top speed 155 miles/h, and using 12 twin turbo

5. Lamborghini Reventon $1.42 Million

Not yet clear whether this old version of Reventon is still available. Only
20 units made. This car created using black aluminum rim, like the newer
version of roadster, the design is inspired by fighter aircraft.

4. Lamborghini Reventon roadster: $1.56 Million

The car design is inspired by Stealth aircraft display.

This car using V12 650 HP Engine. Can reach top speed of 340km/hour. The
car is very light in weight because the body is made using carbon fiber

3. Pagani Zonda Cinque Roadster: $1.8 Million

There are only 5 units available, and go on sale. Chassis made from carbon
titanium. Powered by 678 HP
Mercedes AMG V12, only 3.4 seconds to reach 100 km/hour. Can reach 217 mph
top speed. The body carbon and suspension is using titanium and magnesium.

2. Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Grand Sport $2 Million / $1.67 Million for coupe

The Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Grand Sport uses 1001 hp, 16-cylinder engine, and
has been developed so there will be no draft inside, even when exploring
the upper reaches of the cars 217 mph top speed. Traits with
2.7 inch LCD mirror. This car is the worlds fastest roadster.

1. Koenigsegg Trevita: $2.21 Million

Just three units to be produced. Koenigsegg Trevita is designed based on
Koenigsegg CCXR and added with new shimmering diamond carbon fiber, named
Trevita in Swedish means three whites.

Those three cars fully equipped with Koenigsegg Shimmering Diamond Weave
bodywork, using double carbon wing, paddle-shift, inconell exhaust system,
carbon ceramic brakes with ABS, hydraulic lifting system, infotainment
system, tyre monitoring system, chrono instrument cluster and special
airbags. The navigation system is also developed custom just for this

For the Machine Koenigsegg placed the same 1018bhp engine.

Special for this model, the exterior paint fully developed in Sweden at
Koenigsegg headquarters.


It's never too late:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

So what's your excuse???

Mine is, that I don't have pink panties!!!!!!


Quiet country road Queensland (2009):

 Click here


What not to do on your lunch break:

 Click here


When a male can't stand it any more:

 Click here

Don't you just love nature??

A photographer will die of old age waiting to get another shot like this.
Priceless shot!


Worth Repeating: Where to Go During an Earthquake:

Good advice about the triangle of survival -

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Spread the word and save someone's life...

The entire world experiences natural calamities so be prepared!

While we are on the topic of disasters:

Not so good advice to deal with an atomic bomb (1950's advice to school

 Click here


It's all about the look on the dog's faces:

 Click here

*Hell, yeah, you know I'm gonna sniff that!!*


Boat launch:

 Click here

Great idea!


Moon Over Three Rivers @ Pittsburghs:

 Click here

Friend of a friend took this amazing pic of the big moon last week.

I've been in and out of all the major cities in the USA and The 'Burgh has
the best skyline of all.



 Click here


Trust me you are going to LOVE this one. *Turn down the sound at work


Somebody Sent A Get Well Greeting - adult content (possibly interesting to

 Click here

Next time just send a card...............


Never overtake an elephant:

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 Click here

I'm glad I was not in that car!!


Centrelink Dog benefit:

 Click here

My Dog Went down this morning to sign my Dog on the dole.  The woman said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits". I explained to her that my Dog
is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his
dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. He
gets his first cheque on Friday.

Damn is this a great country or what?   


Eeew, no!:

 Click here


Gevonden voorwerpen:

 Click here

How times have changed


Happy Joe:

 Click here



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 Click here


I could be wrong, but judging by his hat, this guy ain't gonna make it!!!!



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This is mystical and deep. Truly beautiful...

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She
called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean...



Cleaning the Outhouse:

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 Click here Click here

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on a farm up in
the hills.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the
house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart
'cause he's a college gradjyate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College
gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a
short fuse and one with a long fuse.
Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The
first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the
air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your
farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to
the same spot atop the now-empty hole..."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two
sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs
behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!

Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ...spreading poop all over the

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all
right??!!" As she pulls up her panties she says...

"Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."


Maths Question:

 Click here Click here Click here

Maths Question:

A excavator weighing 8 tons is on top of a flatbed trailer and heading east
on Interstate 70 near Hays,

The extended shovel arm is made of hardened refined steel and the
approaching overpass is made of commercial-grade concrete, reinforced with
1 1/2 inch steel rebar spaced at 6 inch intervals in a criss-
cross pattern layered at 1 foot vertical spacing.

Solve: When the shovel arm hits the overpass, how fast do you have to be
going to slice the bridge in half?? (Assume no effect for headwind and no
braking by the driver...)

Extra Credit: Solve for the time and distance required for the entire rig
to come to a complete stop after hitting the overpass at the speed
calculated above?

Yes, you can neglect friction.

I couldn't solve it either... but who cares; the pictures are great!



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More cool bike helmets:

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 Click here Click here


Oldies should not be allowed to text their kids:

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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


The latest in knuckle dusters:

 Click here


Know what your problem is?

 Click here


Bad news for Financial Planners:

Based on the ancient Mayan calendar, in the year of 2012 the Earth will
experience disasters ranging from massive earthquakes and tsunamis to
nuclear reactor meltdowns. This was many centuries before nuclear physics
was discovered - but that's a minor slip believed to be due to

There were great mathematicians, who claimed that they were able to point
out the exact day and time that the world will end in the future, and that
is on August 13th 2012, the final day of the Mayan calendar.

The Mayan Calendar is above all a prophetic calendar that may help us
understand the past and foresee the future. It is a calendar of the Ages
that describes how the progression of Heavens and Underworlds condition
the human consciousness and thus the frames for our thoughts and actions
with in a given Age.

The first page of the calendar looked like this.

 Click here

The second last page has an image of the last moments of the planet. Here
it is reproduced in colour enhanced high definition.

 Click here

It's so realistic, I can almost hear the seven billion screams!
Regretfully, the final page of the Mayan calendar was left blank.

Can't wait for the sequel......


Notice of Eviction:

 Click here

Dear mankind,
I'm sorry that you can't follow the simplest of rules.
Your eviction notice is attached.
Please leave the planet in an orderly fashion.
Don't bother to turn off the lights, I've taken care of that already,
starting with Japan.



My Family' Car Sticker Kiwi Bogan Style:

 Click here



How a 4wd crosses a river:

 Click here



 Click here

The power of alcohol !!


Christchurch earthquake:

 Click here


Don't forget to isolate:

 Click here

Do you think this would hurt!!!!!!!!!


Holding back:

 Click here Click here








When a Man comes Home from Work:

When a man comes home after a really difficult day at work, nothing
brightens his spirits and makes him feel more appreciated than being met
at the door by the smiling face of the woman he loves with an ice cold
beer in her hand.

 Click here

Brings tears to your eyes doesn't it!


Colonel Gadaffi:

 Click here


[ End friday humour ]

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