Friday humour - March 25, 2011

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

It is hard to comprehend the triple whammy that has Japan on its knees at
the moment.

The only thing I have been able to find at all humorous in the whole event
was the Manager of the Nuclear Plant on television yesterday apologising
to the residents in evacuation centres saying (paraphrased) that he was
sorry for the disaster, and even though they had used scientific processes
and studies to make the reactors perfectly safe, they were wrong.

It is the first time I have ever heard cost cutting, profit maximisation,
and testing fraud described as "scientific processes".

This weeks sampling is brought to you Allnutts, Burnout, Cartographer
Chris, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Johnny Green, Kaos_reflex, Liz,
Nottingham Smithie, Stumpy Steve, The Great Gussius, Whizzbang and the
always reliable anonymi.

Enjoy!

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The Cab Ride. [TJ]

I arrived at the address and honked the horn.
After waiting a few minutes I walked to the door and knocked.
'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice.
I could hear something being dragged across the floor..

After a long pause, the door opened.
A small woman in her 90's stood before me..
She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it,
Like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase.
The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years.
All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the
counters.
In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said.
I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb..

She kept thanking me for my kindness.
'It's nothing', I told her..
'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated'.

'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said.
When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked,
'Could you drive through downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..

'Oh, I don't mind,' she said.
'I'm in no hurry.
I'm on my way to a hospice'.

I looked in the rear-view mirror.
Her eyes were glistening.
'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..
'The doctor says I don't have very long.
'I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city.
She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator
operator.

We drove through the neighbourhood where she and her husband had lived
When they were newlyweds.
She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once
Been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner
And would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing..

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said,
'I'm tired. Let's go now'.

We drove in silence to the address she had given me.
It was a low building, like a small convalescent home,
With a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up..
They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door.
The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?'
She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.
She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said.
'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.
Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift.
I drove aimlessly lost in thought.
For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.
What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,
Or one who was impatient to end his shift?
What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once,
Then driven away?

On a quick review,
I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware - beautifully
Wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY
WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID ~BUT~
THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER
HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any
racial or ethnic minority so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an
Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a
Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a
Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and a South African went to a night
club. The bouncer said:

"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

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Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me ... talking to the beer

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Leah and Shifrah are old friends. They have both been married to their
husbands for a long time.
Shifrah is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive
anymore.
"As I get older, he doesn't bother to look at me!" Shifrah cries.
"I'm so sorry for you. As I get older, my husband says I get more beautiful
every day." replies Leah.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in
front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the
rooster and killed it.
He decided that he should go and tell the farmer, so he got out of his car
and walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door and
knocked. The farmer came to the door and the man said "I'm afraid I've
killed your rooster, please let me replace him".
The farmer said "Help yourself, the hens are out in the back".

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Comparison Of Japan Yesterday And Today

ABC news has an interesting illustration via photos of how bad this
catastrophe is in Japan.

You take your cursor and move it to the left over photo that illustrates
the look prior of the earth quake/tsunami and today's view of same subject
appears.

What a stark difference, and what a tragedy for those poor people.

 Click here

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The Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Oklahoma walks out into the street and sees a
blond-haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat,
his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around
like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in this bar down
the road and this pretty little red-head asks me to go out to her motor
home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ...
So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... So I
did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of s*xy and says, 'Now go to
town cowboy.'

'And here I am.'

Son of a gun. Blonde men do exist.

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Scottish Caddy.

A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole.

He asks his Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his
poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:

"There's a piece of sh*t on the end of your driver."

The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the
caddy says: "No, the other end."

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Two Information Technology geeks were chatting in a pub after work.
"Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous
blonde girl in a bar."
"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.
"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got
into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."
"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.
"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk
next to my new laptop."
"Really? You got a new laptop!"

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Little boy at the nude beach.

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
b*obs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets.'

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Irish Prayer

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

Irish Shopping

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled
with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife
just sent me out for a jar of olives!

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J. F. K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he
was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me
luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Water to Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding
in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir,
have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell
wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!
He's done it again!"

The Reunion

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could
buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then
asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the
first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another
round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course" The second man can't help himself
so he asks, "What school did you attend?" "Saint Mary's", replies the
first man. "I graduated in '62." "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They
say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replied the bartender.
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and
one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as
well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."

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A real cat who really does steal. His nickname is "Klepto!"
 Click here

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A beautiful coat!
 Click here

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Geordie was standing next to Gaddafi on the palace steps in Tripoli.
Gaddafi turned to Geordie and said, "Are those war planes in the sky
Geordie?" "Whey no man, they belong to the RAF. (If you've got to think
about it - forget it)

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Tsunami at sea from a ship
 Click here

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Man 'survives Aceh and Japan tsunamis'

An Indonesian man says he has escaped both the 2004 tsunami in Aceh and
last week's deadly wall of water in Japan. So did everyone living in other
parts of the world.

Doctoral student Zahrul Fuadi, 39, who is from the Indonesian province, was
at a seminar at a university campus in Sendai when a
9.0-magnitude earthquake struck, triggering a tsunami that devastated
Japan's north-eastern coast.

Seven years ago, the engineer had to flee from the tsunami that killed
168,000 people in his own country. "We were at my house when the quake
happened. Me, my wife and my two children escaped from the tsunami by
riding a motorcycle. We went very far from my house because we were so
afraid," he said.

"I have survived three monumental disasters. I'm very grateful, not many
people have experienced two big natural disasters and also survived being
married" Mr Fuadi said.


Sperm's egg-seeking secrets revealed

They may be fast and hard to pin down, but scientists have uncovered the
mechanism behind how sperm cells zero in on an egg and fertilise it.

The discovery could lead to the development of non-hormone based
contraceptives for men and women that do not have side-effects or involve
latex or hardware.

For more than two decades scientists have known that the s*x hormone
progesterone, released from ovulated eggs, stimulates the flow of calcium
ions (Ca2++) in sperm.

This reaction helps sperm identify and swim toward the egg, as well as
break through the egg's protective covering to fertilise it.
But scientists were unsure about how progesterone did it.

Researchers think that fashion sense may be involved – apparently modern
fashion means that dresses are going up and pants are coming down.


Uranium miner slams nuclear 'media frenzy'

The chief executive of one of Australia's biggest uranium miners, Paladin,
has slammed the media and share traders for their treatment of nuclear
focused businesses in the wake of the Japanese earthquake.

Shares in the company plunged 33 per cent in trade over Monday and Tuesday,
recovered a little on Wednesday and are now on the slide again, down 6.8
per cent to $3.45.

Paladin's chief executive John Borshoff says uranium centred businesses
have become a sideshow to the Japanese crisis.

"Which, though understandable as this is the nature of nuclear, is
nevertheless having a highly destructive impact," he said. Only a few
hundred people dead so far and half the planet contaminated is par for the
course.

"The media frenzy, the stakeholder positioning feeding on misinformation
and hyperbole is astoundingly accurate. We don’t know how they get the
information so right"

Despite this, the company insists the outlook is still positive for more
atomic disasters.

The company says there are 440 active nuclear reactors in the world at an
imminent state of catastrophic engineering failure, and another 62 are
already under construction in Arab nations financed by Israel.

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There was a most terrible fracas
When a hot tempered girl from Caracas
Caught her beau, a band leader
With a cute senorita
So she repeatedly kicked his maracas.

A famous trapeze artist called Bract
Is faced by a very sad fact.
Imagine his pain
When again and again
He catches his wife in the act.

My girlfriend's name is Rosetta,
Who fancies herself in a sweater.
Three reasons she had
Keeping warm is not bad
But the other two reasons are better.

With her s*xual favours she was a miser
And said that no man could surprise her
But one did, I fear
He plied her with beer
Now she is sadder Budweisser.


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A lawyer decides to take a week off work to relax and work on his golf
handicap. He books into a resort and tees off as soon as he gets a time
slot from the golf pro.
Not bad he thinks to himself. Nice fairway, good weather and midweek you
get the course all to yourself.
No sooner had he thought that, when he noticed a young attractive woman
about to tee off as he approached the start of the back nine.
“Mind if I join you?” he asked, and she agreed. They play on, offer each
other praise for a good shot and generally enjoy the others company. She
beats the lawyer by two strokes. They have a drink at the bar afterwards
and he offers to walk her home to her on course unit which was close to
his.
“I really enjoyed today. I hope you didn't let me win.” she said “I also
hope you don't think I'm being too forward” as she unzipped his pants and
gave him a bl*wjob in the stairwell.
The next day, he sees her preparing to tee off and quickly catches up. A
similar scene unfolds – she wins the round and gives him an even better
bl*w job in the car park.
“I'd really like to get to know you better” suggested the lawyer. “Come
back to my penthouse for the evening, some wine perhaps, we can send out
for food and spend the whole night together.” “I can't” she sobbed “Its
not that I don't want to......its just that, well you see, I'm a
transvestite”
The lawyer is stunned. For a moment he's speechless.
“You bloody cheat” he screams “You've been playing off the women's tee.”

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Sint Potrack's Day 2011

Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your ar*e if you get a
dodgy one!

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of
amazing s*x Paddy says:
'I wonder how the girls are getting on'?

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This may be too hot for some of you, but what the heck.
 Click here

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Amazing Hand Dancing (with a straight face yet!)
 Click here

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Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous Irish firm based in
Dublin.

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar
qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a
Quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the
interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions roite.
This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the
question you got wrong."

Murphy, " Tell me now, and how would one incorrect answer be better than
another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't
know.' You put down, Neither do I......

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Change Your Thinking [TJ]

It will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking.

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help
drain the fluid from his lungs.

His bed was next to the room's only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their
involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he
would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could
see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his
world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and colour of
the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.

Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model
boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every colour and a
fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man
on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this
picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his
mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive
words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to
find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully
in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved
next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after
making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first
look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who
had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'

Epilogue:
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own
situations.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money
can't buy.

'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.'

The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone
who passes it on.

Do not keep this letter.

I pray you will forward it to all your friends to whom you wish God's
blessings.

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A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia', because in the desert it protects
our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of weird clothing that you are wearing?" asked the
young man.

"It's a 'djbellah', because in the desert it is very hot and it protects
your body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about these ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches', which keep us from burning our
feet when in the desert."

"Tell me, Abba?" added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are we living in Toms River, New Jersey and you're still wearing all
this sh*t?"

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Irish knowledge
 Click here
the Irish folks would understand this

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Pick your favourite idiot ...
 Click here
"Stupid is as stupid does"  - Forrest Gump 1994.

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Great Sporting Moments ...
 Click here

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Keep your eye on the ball! [Xish]
 Click here

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New Wal-Mart People, it never ends!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Student Discipline How it should be.
 Click here
If only we could do this! Just sometimes! How it used to be! :)

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Think You Can Drive A Boat?
 Click here

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Students  at a local school were assigned to read two books,  'Titanic' &
'My Life' by Bill  Clinton.

One  student turned in the following book report, with the  proposition
that they were nearly identical stories!   

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this  report.  

Titanic:        cost - $29.99
Clinton:        cost - $29.99

Titanic:        Over 3 hours to  read
Clinton :       Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:        The story of  Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :       The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:        Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :       Bill is a bullsh*t artist.

Titanic:        In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :       Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:        During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :       Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:        Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :       Let's not go there.

Titanic:        Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton :       Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:        Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :       Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic:        Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :       Monica ... ooh,let's not go there, either.

Titanic:        Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :       Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

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Husband's t-shirt
 Click here

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Aren't they all
 Click here

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It's not illegal to be stupid -- But, it should be
 Click here

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HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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St. Patty's dog
 Click here

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Cool Facts about Human Body.

Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is
the male sperm.

You use 200 muscles to take one step.

The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball..

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the
Encyclopaedia Britannica.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the
liver than men with hair.

At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of
water to a boil.

The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do
the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

At this very moment I know you are putting this last fact to the test...!

...now remove your thumb from your nose.

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Best Parents of 2010 Awards
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Pictures Odd but funny...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Strange to bizarre
 Click here

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Marvin (the Male Maxine)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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T-Shirts
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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I have been approached by several people lately wanting to know how to
identify a meth lab.
Following are four photos. I think it's pretty obvious which one is the
meth lab.
 Click here
Let me know if I can be of any further service in this matter.

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Falling crane.
 Click here
Missed it by that much ...
Someone didn't check the rate of the slings, did they?
Or maybe the truck was fatter than advised?

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Blue Marlin Bill
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
Blue Marlin bill stuck in Crude oil Loading Hose off the coast of Angola.
Imagine the speed this fish was moving at to get its snoz through the pipe!

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Be your own Dentist
 Click here

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Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between
us, she fell to my feet and as I started to make mad passionate love to
her, I thought to myself ... these tazer guns are well worth the
money!!!!!

I took my wife to an opticians this morning. Even they couldn't see why I
married her.

I woke up this morning at eight and, I just knew something was wrong.
Got downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing, I panicked, didn't know what to do ... then I remembered
McDonalds serve breakfast until 10:30.

Was asked to go and see my ex-girlfriend today.
One thing led to another and we ended up having s*x.
Police weren't too pleased.
I was only meant to be identifying the body.

I went to see a psychic last weekend and she told me that I'd be coming
into money.
Last night I shagged a girl called Penny! spooky or what?.

I must have really p*ssed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on
her when we were having s*x.
She's been lying there for five days now, giving me the silent treatment.

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Classic!
 Click here

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Taking a blind dog for a walk in Alice Springs - Australia
 Click here

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Japan's Tsunami
 Click here

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Men's version of the Antiques Roadshow
 Click here

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30 Strangest Deaths in History

Death by Embracing the Reflection of the Moon.

Chinese poet Li Po (701-706) is regarded as one of the two greatest poets
in China's literary history. He was well known for his love of liquor and
often spouted his greatest poems while drunk.

One night, Li Po fell from his boat and drowned in the Yangtze River while
trying to embrace the reflection of the moon in the water.


Death by Beard

Austrian Hans Steininger was famous for having the world's longest beard
(it was 4.5 feet or nearly 1.4 m long) and for dying because of it.

One day in 1567, there was a fire in town and in his haste Hans forgot to
roll up his beard. He accidentally stepped on his beard,
lost balance, stumbled, broke his neck and died!


Death From Holding a Pee In

Danish nobleman and astronomer Tycho Brahe was one interesting fellow. He
kept a dwarf as a court jester who sat under the table during dinner. He
even had a tame pet moose.

Tycho also lost the tip of his nose in a duel with another Danish nobleman
and had to wear a "dummy" nose made from silver and gold,
but that's another story.

It was said that Tycho had to hold his pee during one particularly long
banquet in 1601 (getting up in the middle of a dinner was considered
really rude) that his bladder, strained to its limits, developed an
infection which later killed him!

Later analyses suggested that Tycho died because of mercury poisoning but
that's not nearly as interesting as the original story.


Death by Conductor's Cane

While conducting the hymnal Te Deum for French King Louis XIV in 1687,
Jean-Baptiste Lully was so focused in keeping the rhythm by banging a
staff against the floor (this was the method before conductor's baton came
into use), that he struck his toe hard but refused to stop.

The toe developed an abscess, which later turned gangrenous, but Lully
refused to have it amputated. The gangrene spread and killed the stubborn
musician.

Ironically, the hymn he was conducting was in celebration of the recovery
of Louis XIV from an illness.


Death by Dessert

King Adolf Frederick of Sweden loved to eat and died from it too!

The "King Who Ate Himself to Death" died in 1771 at the age of 61 from a
digestive problem after eating a giant meal consisting of lobster, caviar,
saurkraut, cabbage soup, smoked herring, champagne and 14 servings of his
favorite dessert: semla, a bun filled with marzipan and milk.


Death by Jury Demonstration

After the Civil War, controversial Ohio politician Clement Vallandigham
became a highly successful lawyer who rarely lost a case.

In 1871, he defended Thomas McGehan who was accused of shooting one Tom
Myers during a barroom brawl. Vallandigham's defense was that Myers had
accidentally shot himself while drawing his pistol from a kneeling
position.

To convince the jury, Vallandigham decided to demonstrate his theory.
Unfortunately, he grabbed a loaded gun by mistake and ended up shooting
himself!

By dying, Vallandigham succeeded in demonstrating the plausibility of the
accidental shooting and got his client acquitted.


Death from Biting One's Tongue

Allan Pinkerton, famous for creating the Pinkerton detective agency and
developing investigative techniques such as surveilling a suspect and
doing undercover work, died of an infection after biting his tongue when
he slipped on a sidewalk!


Death from Stubbing One's Toe

Famous Tennessee whiskey distiller Jack Daniel decided to come in to work
early one morning in 1911. He wanted to open his safe but couldn't
remember the combination. In anger, Daniel kicked the safe and injured his
toe, which later developed an infection that killed him!

Moral of the story? Don't go to work early.


Death by Orange Peel

Bobby Leach wasn't afraid to court death: in 1911, he was the second person
in the world to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. The daredevil went on to
perform many other death-defying stunts, so his death is especially ironic.

One day while walking down a street in New Zealand, Leach slipped on a
piece of orange peel. He broke his leg so badly it had to be amputated.
Leach died due to complications that developed afterwards.


Death by Overcoat Parachute Failure

In 1911, French tailor Franz Reichelt decided to test his invention, a
combination overcoat and parachute, by jumping off the Eiffel
Tower. Actually, he told the authorities that he would use a dummy, but at
the last minute decided to test it himself. It was no surprise that he
fell to his death.

There's even a YouTube clip of his fatal jump.
 Click here


Death by 1) Poison, 2) Gunshot Wound (4x), 3) Beating by Clubs, 4)
Drowning.

According to legends, Russian mystic Grigori Rasputin (1869-1916) was first
poisoned with enough cyanide to kill ten men, but he wasn't affected.

So his killers shot him in the back with a revolver. Rasputin fell but
later revived. So, he was shot again three more times, but
Rasputin still lived. He was then clubbed, and for good measure thrown into
the icy Neva River.

Rasputin was finally dead for good.


Death by Baseball

Cleveland Indians shortstop Ray Chapman was killed by a baseball pitch.

At that time, baseball pitchers dirtied up a ball before it was thrown at
the batter to make it harder to see. On August 6, 1920 in a game against
the New York Yankees, Carl Mays pitched such a ball towards Chapman that
fatally hit his skull.

Death by Scarf

"Mother of modern dance" Isadora Duncan was killed in 1927 by her trademark
scarf she loved to wear:

As the New York Times noted in its obituary of the dancer on 15 September
1927, "The automobile was going at full speed when the scarf of strong
silk began winding around the wheel and with terrific force dragged Miss
Duncan, around whom it was securely wrapped, bodily over the side of the
car, precipitating her with violence against the cobblestone street. She
was dragged for several yards before the chauffeur halted, attracted by
her cries in the street. Medical aid was summoned, but it was stated that
she had been strangled and killed instantly."


Death by Garbage

Homer and Langley Collyer were compulsive hoarders. The two brothers had a
fear of throwing anything away and obsessively collected newspapers and
other junk in their house. They even set up booby-traps in corridors and
doorways to protect against intruders.

In 1947, an anonymous tip called that there was a dead body in the Collyer
house, and after much initial difficulty getting in, the police found
Homer Collyer dead and Langley no where to be found. About two weeks
later, after removing nearly 100 tons of garbage from the house, workers
found Langley Collyer's partialy decomposed (and rat-chewed) body just 10
feet away from where they had found his brother.

Apparently, Langley had been crawling through tunnels of newspapers to
bring food to his paralyzed brother when he set off one of his own
booby-traps. Homer died several days later from starvation.


Death at a Talk Show

Jerome Irving Rodale was a proponent of healthy eating. He was an early
advocate for organic farming and sustainable agriculture,
founder of Organic Farming and Gardening magazine and Rodale Press.

After bragging that he would "live to 100, unless I'm run down by a
sugar-crazy taxi driver", Rodale died of a heart attack while being
interviewed on the D*ck Cavett Show in 1971. Appearing fast asleep, D*ck
Cavett joked "Are we boring you, Mr. Rodale?" before discovering that his
72-year-old guest had indeed died. The show was never aired.


Death by Suicide During a Live TV News Broadcast

Christine Chubbuck was the first and only TV news reporter to commit
suicide during a live television broadcast.

On July 15, 1974, eight minutes into the broadcast, the depressed reporter
said "In keeping with Channel 40's policy of bringing you the latest in
blood and guts, and in living colour, you are going to see another first:
an attempted suicide." With that, Chubbuck drew up a revolver and shot
herself in the head.


Death on the Toilet

There are several examples of death on the toilet, but that of Elvis
Presley (1935 - 1977) was the most famous.

The King of Rock 'n Roll was found lying on the floor of his Graceland
mansion's bathroom after throwing up while being seated on the toilet,
taking care of business.

Doctors attributed his death to a heart attack from weight gain and taking
too many prescription drugs.


Death by Robot

Robert Williams was the first man ever killed by a robot. On January 25,
1979, Williams climbed into a storage rack at the Ford
Motor's Flat Rock casting plant to retrieve a part because the
parts-retrieval robot malfunctioned. Suddenly, the robot reactivated and
slammed its arm into Williams' head, killing him instantly.

The second death by robot happened just a couple of years afterwards in
1981. Kenji Urada, a 37-year-old Japanese maintenance engineer was working
on a broken robot at a Kawasaki plant when he failed to turn it off. The
robot's mechanical arm accidentally pushed him into a grinding machine.


Death by Decapitation by Helicopter Rotor Blades

Actor Vic Morrow died on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie when a
helicopter spun out of control due to special effect explosions,
crashed, and decapitated him with its rotor blades

Two child actors also died at the event, which triggered a massive reform
in US child labour laws and safety regulations on movie sets.


Death by Cactus

In 1982, 27-year-old David Grundman and a roommate decided to do a little
"cactus plugging," by shooting the desert plant with a shotgun.

The first one, a small cactus, went off without a hitch and Grundman was
encouraged to try a larger prey: a 26-foot-tall Saguaro cactus, probably a
100-year-old plant. Unfortunately, Grundman blasted off a large chuck of
the cactus that fell on him and crushed him to death!

To date, this was probably the only known instance of revenge killing by a
plant.


Death by Bottle Cap

American playwright Tennessee Williams died in 1983 after he choked on a
bottle cap in his hotel room. Yes, he had been drinking.


Death by Drowning at a Lifeguards' Party.

In 1985, to celebrate their first drowning-free season ever, the lifeguards
of the New Orleans recreation department decided to throw themselves a
party.

When the party ended, a 31-year-old guest named Jerome Moody was found dead
on the bottom of the recreation department's pool.

We suppose when it's your time to go, then it's your time to go: there were
four lifeguards on duty and more than half of the 200 party-goers were
themselves lifeguards!


Death on Stage, While Telling a Joke

D*ck Shawn (1924-1987) was a comedian who had a heart attack and died
during a joke that seemed strangely appropriate:

He was making fun of politicians by saying campaign clichés ending with "I
will not lay down on the job!" Shawn then laid down on the floor face
down. At first, the audience thought that it was all part of the show,
until some time later a theater employee checked him for a pulse and began
administering CPR.

The paramedics then arrived, and the audience were told to go home - D*ck
Shawn was dead.


Death by Belly Slam.

British pro wrestler Mal "King Kong" Kirk died underneath the big belly of
Shirley "Big Daddy" Crabtree.

In August 1987, during the final moments of the match, Crabtree delivered
his signature "Belly-Splash" move (basically jumping up and down, slamming
his belly onto a guy) on Kirk, who then had a heart attack and died.

Crabtree was cleared after it was revealed that Kirk had a serious heart
condition prior to the match. However, Crabtree blamed himself for Kirk's
death and retired from pro wrestling.

Before the match, Kirk had told his friends "If I have to go, I hope it is
in the ring."


Death by Giant Umbrellas

In 1991, artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude put up an environmental
installation art of thousands of giant yellow and blue umbrellas in
California and Japan.

The giant umbrellas, which measured about 20 foot (6 m) in height, 28 foot
(8.7 m) in diameter and weighed about 500 lb, became a huge tourist
attraction.

Less than two months after the installation opened, Lori Rae
Keevil-Mathews, a 33-year-old woman drove out to see the umbrellas in
California. A wind gust uprooted one of the umbrellas and blew it straight
at her, crushing her against a boulder and killing her.

Christo immediately ordered all of the umbrellas taken down. The umbrellas,
however, took another life - this time in Japan. Crane operator Masaaki
Nakamura was electrocuted when the machine's arm touched a 65,000-volt
high-tension line when removing the umbrellas.


Death by Re-creation

In 1991, a 57-year-old Thai woman Yooket Paen was walking in her farm when
she accidentally slipped on a cow dung, grabbed a naked live wire and got
electrocuted to death.

Soon after Paen's funeral, her 52-year-old-sister Yooket Pan was showing
her neighbours how the accident happened when she herself slipped, grabbed
the same live wire and also got electrocuted to death!


Death by Sheep

In 1999, Betty Stobbs, 67, of Durham, England, took a bale of hay to feed
her flock of sheep on the back of her motorcycle.

Apparently, the sheep were very hungry. About forty of them rushed the hay
and knocked her off a cliff into a 100-feet deep quarry.
Stobbs survived the fall only to be killed when the motorcycle, which was
also knocked off the cliff, tumbled down after her.


Death by Necklace Bomb

On the afternoon of August 28, 2003, pizza deliveryman Brian Wells tried to
rob a bank with a home-made shotgun disguised as a cane.

When he was caught by the police, Wells revealed that he had been forced by
some people he delivered pizza to earlier to rob the bank. A necklace with
an explosive device was attached to his neck.

The necklace bomb blew up before the bomb squad could deactivate it
(indeed, there was controversy whether the police took his story seriously
and delayed calling the bomb squad). Until today, it's unclear whether
Wells was a victim, a co-conspirator or the lone perpetrator of the
robbery and subsequent death.


Death by Stingray

In 2006, Australian wildlife expert and TV personality Steve "The Crocodile
Hunter" Irwin died when he was stabbed in the heart by a stingray spine
while filming a doc*mentary Ocean's Deadliest.


Death by Bookcase

Mariesa Weber was reported missing by her family for nearly two weeks
before they found her in her bedroom, wedged behind a bookcase.

"I'm sleeping in the same house as her for 11 days, looking for her," her
mother, Connie Weber, told the St. Petersburg Times. "And she's right in
the bedroom."

Both Weber and her sister had previously adjusted the television plug by
standing on a bureau next to the shelf and leaning over the top. Her
family believes Weber, who was 5-foot-3 and barely 100 pounds, may have
fallen headfirst into the space.

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The Dirtiest River in the World
 Click here

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Parents of the Year 2010 award nominees
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Call a spade a spade
 Click here

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Groan ...
 Click here

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Motivationals
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Funnies for the sick people out there
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Playing House
 Click here

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Some mornings
 Click here

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What's that on the wall?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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The moment the quake hit Christchurch - as captured by a tourist
 Click here
Not too sure about this, but it looks pretty real.

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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