Friday humour - March 04, 2011

/Well it's on in federal Parliament again, after stating that no government
she led would have a carbon tax. Gillard, observed standing just behind
Brown outside parliament the other day, attended by Winsdor and the new
bearded bloke, Oakshott. Gillard has decided to hand over the Prime
Ministerial baton to Bob Brown and Tony Abbott who once supported a carbon
tax is now going to get rid of it if he gains power./

/Once again politicians are lying to the community.......Why did we expect
anything else..... They've been at it for over a hundred years.
/

/GREG COMBET////(Minister for Climate Change) was asked if petrol was
included for a carbon tax or not. His answer could have been" yes" or
"no", but he chose to make the position perfectly clear with the following
response to a simple question./

/"Well, in//good faith//, we go into these discussions and put our position
there first and that's what we shall do but the doc*ment obviously
contemplates broad coverage of the economy but it also leaves open the
discussion that we need to have about how that might be dealt with,
whether or not we phase the scheme into different sectors of the economy
but the important thing again is the Prime Minister acknowledged there are
price impacts in the economy from a carbon price and also indicated, as you
would expect from a Labor government, that we will assist those people who
need the assistance the most, in particular obviously pensioners and low
income households will be firmly in our mind and we will ensure that every
dollar raised from the carbon price mechanism is committed to help
households and to help industry make the transition to lower emissions in
the future."/

/GOT IT?/

/Combet isn't lying, he just fails to tell the truth..........usually
called lying by omission./

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/This weeks nonsense comes from: the ever present, Allnutts, the ever coy
Anonymi, Arfermo, Cartographer Chris, Liz, /Sack, Stumpy Steve,
Cartographer Chris, The Great Gussius, Trevor, Liz, Muse, Mitta.


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Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone hiding under my
bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . "I've got a
problem. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm
scared sh*tless!! Do you think I'm going crazy??"

  "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.  "Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those
fears..."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty bucks a visit," replied the shrink.

"Wow, that's expensive, I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later we met on the street. "Why didn't you come back to see me
about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is a helluva lot
of money!! A bartender cured me for $20. I was so happy to have saved all
that money I went and bought me a new truck!!"
"Is that so?" And with quite a bit of attitude he said, "and how, may I
ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the f*cking bed! Ain't nobody under there
now!"

FORGET THOSE LEARNED DOCTORS...
GO HAVE A COUPLE OF DRINKS&  TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.

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Two Choices

What would you do?....you make the choice.. Don't look for a punch line,
there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the
same choice?

At a fund-raising dinner for a school that serves children with learning
disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that
would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school
and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is
done with perfection.

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot
understand things as other children do.

Where is the natural order of things in my son?'


The audience was stilled by the query.


The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was
mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to
realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other
people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:
    Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were
playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew
that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but
as a fatherI also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would
give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be
accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if
Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing
by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our
team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a
team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart.
The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was
still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right
field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to
be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to
him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on
base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win
the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but
impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly,
much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the

plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning
aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball
in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards
Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball
right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the
ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head,
out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to
first! Run to first!'

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and
struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the
ball. The smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be
the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he
understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the
ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled
the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by
turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!

Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were
on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit
the grand slam and won the game for his team

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face,
'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity
into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never
forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and
seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!


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Icelandic Crew Video at the 2011 Crew Ball'.

 Click here 


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God loves drunk people too!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger, obviously very
drunk, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those
two guys helped us?  I think you should help him, and you should be
ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?"  the husband calls out.
  "Yes, please!", comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set", replied the drunk.

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Study group


Do you think you know where all these countries with collapsing governments
are located?  Yes, the Middle East, but try this game to see how much you
really know. G
Good luck!


  Click here


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  Gum Ball Logic/scroll down&  click

Date: Friday, February 25, 2011, 9:05 PM
This is an incredible presentation to give you an idea of where the world
stands and immigration.
If you have not seen this before, it very likely will awaken you to the
threat of massive legal immigration and uncontrolled illegal immigration.
Clarifies the immigration issue.
It took gum balls for me to finally "get It!"

 Click here

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Fashion icon or not, that is the question.

I trust I am not alone by being bemused by Gaddaffi ducks bizarre
performance yesterday and cannot make up my mind what his terminal
intentions are. Were his yards of fawn coloured silk curtaining that
surrounded him an attempt to become a fashion icon (and God knows the
Arabic/Muslim world has plenty of them), impress the 76 virgins he is
hoping for when he meets his maker, merely a suitable shroud for the
almost inevitable end of this bizarre character or is he aiming to be a
comic hero? I do know however he will owe me a bob or two if my
investments decline in value any further as a result of his antics so I am
hoping his cache is huge and his generosity overwhelming. What say we all?

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Bitches to the end.....

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."


The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
"I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty
retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your fatherafter
I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."


_
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY_
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.


Women are angels, but, when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to
fly on a broomstick.

   We're flexible like that.


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  A Prayer for Every Soldier, Sailor and Airmen - MUST READ

his is a story as told by a pilot of a commercial jet.
It is very interesting and remarkable in today's atmosphere.
PLEASE read it until the end and if you feel you would like to PASS IT ON,
please do so.


He  writes: My lead flight attendant came to me and said, "We  have an H.R.
on this flight."
(H.R. stands for human remains.) "Are they military?" I  asked.
  "Yes,"  she said.
  "Is there an escort?" I asked.
  "Yes, I already assigned him a seat."
  "Would you please tell him to come to the flight deck. You can board him
early," I said..
  A short while later, a young army sergeant entered the flight deck.  He
was the image of the  perfectly  dressed soldier.  He introduced himself
and I asked him about his soldier. The escorts of  these fallen soldiers
talk about them as if they are still alive and still with us.
  "My soldier is on his way back to home ,"  he said.  He proceeded to
answer my questions,  but offered no words.
I asked him if there was anything I could do for him and he said no.  I
told him that he had the toughest  job in the military and that I
appreciated the work that he does for the families of our fallen soldiers.
The first officer and I got up out of our seats to shake his hand.  He left
the flight deck to find his seat.
  We completed our pre-flight checks, pushed back and performed an
uneventful departure.  About  30 minutes into our flight I received a call
from the lead flight attendant in the cabin. 'I  just found out  the family
of the soldier we are carrying, is on board', she said.  She then proceeded
to tell me that the father, mother, wife and 2-year old daughter were
escorting their son, husband, and father home.  The family was upset 
because they were unable to see the container that the soldier was in
before we left.  We were on our way to a major hub at which the family was
going to wait four hours for the connecting flight home.
  The father of the soldier told the flight attendant that  knowing his son
was below him in the cargo compartment  and being unable to see him was too
much for him and the family to bear.  He had  asked the flight attendant if
there was anything that could be done to allow them to see him upon our
arrival. The family wanted to be outside by the cargo door to watch the
soldier being taken off the airplane.. I could hear  the desperation in
the flight attendants voice when she  asked me if there was anything I
could do. "I'm on  it," I said. I told her that I would get back to her.
Airborne communication with my company normally occurs in the  form of 
e-mail like messages.  I decided to bypass this system and contact my
flight dispatcher directly on a secondary radio. There is a radio operator
in the operations control centre who connects you to the telephone of the
dispatcher. I was in direct contact with the dispatcher..  I  explained
the situation I had on board with the family and what it was the family
wanted.  He said he understood and that he would get back to me.
  Two hours went by and I had not heard from the dispatcher.  We were going
to get busy soon and I needed to know what to tell the family.  I sent a
text  message asking for an update.  I  saved the return  message from the
dispatcher and the following is the text:
  "Captain, sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. There  is policy
on this now and I had to check on a few  things. Upon your arrival a
dedicated escort team will  meet the aircraft.  The team will  escort the
family to the ramp and plane side.  A van will be used to load the remains
with a secondary van for the family.  The family will be taken to their
departure area and escorted into the terminal where the remains can be
seen on the ramp.  It is a private area for the family only.  When the
connecting aircraft arrives, the family will be escorted onto the ramp and
plane side to watch the remains being loaded for the final leg home. 
Captain, most of us here in flight control are veterans.  Please pass our
condolences on to the family. Thanks."
  I sent a message back telling flight control thanks for a good job.   I
printed out the message and gave it to the lead flight attendant to pass
on to the father.  The lead flight attendant was very thankful and told
me, "You have no idea how much this will mean to them."
Things started getting busy for the descent, approach and  landing.   After
landing, we cleared the runway  and taxied to the ramp area.  The ramp is
huge with 15 gates on either side of the alleyway.  It  is always a busy
area with aircraft manoeuvring every which way to enter and exit.  When we
entered the ramp and checked in with the ramp controller,  we were told
that  all traffic was being held for us.
  "There is a team in place to meet the  aircraft," we were told.  It
looked like it was all coming  together, then I  realized that once we
turned the  seat belt sign off,  everyone would stand up at  once and
delay the family from  getting off the airplane. As we approached our
gate, I asked the  co-pilot to tell the ramp controller we were going to
stop  short of the gate to make an  announcement to the passengers.   He
did that and  the ramp controller said, "Take your time."
I  stopped the aircraft and set the parking brake.   I pushed the  public
address button and said,  "Ladies and gentleman, this is your Captain
speaking, I  have stopped short of our gate to make a  special 
announcement.  We have a passenger on board who deserves our Honour and
respect.  His Name is  Private XXXXXX,  a soldier who recently lost his
life.   Private XXXXXX is  under your feet in the cargo hold.  Escorting
him today is  Army Sergeant  XXXXXXX.  Also, on board are his father,
mother, wife and daughter.  Your entire flight crew is asking for all
passengers to remain in their seats to  allow the  family to exit the
aircraft first. Thank you."
  We continued the turn to the gate, came to a stop and  started our  shut
down procedures.  A couple of  minutes later I opened the c*ckpit door.  I
 found the two forward flight  attendants crying, something you just do not
see.  I was told  that  after we came to a stop, every passenger on the
aircraft  stayed in their seats, waiting for the family to exit  the 
aircraft.
When the family got up and gathered their things, a  passenger slowly 
started to clap his hands.   Moments later more passengers  joined in and
soon  the entire aircraft was clapping.  Words  of "God  Bless You," "I'm
sorry, thank you, be proud" and other kind words were uttered to the
family as they made their way down the  aisle and out of the airplane. 
They  were escorted down to  the ramp to finally be with  their loved one.
  Many of the passengers disembarking thanked me for the  announcement I 
had made.  They were just words, I  told them,  I could  say them over and
over again,  but nothing I say will bring back  that brave soldier.
  I  respectfully ask that all of you reflect on this event  and the 
sacrifices that millions of our men and women  have made to ensure  our
freedom and safety in Australia, Canada, New Zealand, UK&  USA.
  Foot note:
As a  Vietnam Veteran I can only think of all the veterans  including the
ones that rode below the deck on their way home and how they were treated.
When I read things like this I am proud  that our country has not turned
their backs on our soldiers returning from the various war zones today and
give them the respect they so deserve.

I know every one who has served their country who reads this will have
tears in their eyes, including  me.
Please send this on after a short prayer.. Prayer for our soldiers Don't
break it!

Prayer:

"Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect
us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for
us in our time of need. Amen."

Prayer request: When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a
prayer for our troops around the world.

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Cats quote Charlie Sheen
 Click here

Heh.
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NORWEGIAN VIRGIN

Ole Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, takes a
Lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in
Agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said
'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my
Fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.'

The doctor told him, 'Ole, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to
Let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but
Leave it in there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors
And formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all
Together...quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their
Honeymoon to Gully.

That night in the motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her
Beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Ole...you' re the first
Vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'
Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis Lena ..still in
DA CRATE!
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Brain exercise

Now here's a really good one for your brain.  This is harder than you think
!!!!

Move  your cursor over the numbers starting with 1, then 2,
etc., and  see how fast you can get through 33 You don't need to click --
Just touch the number with the  cursor.

 Click here


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Teacher


A  former Sergeant, having served  his time with the Marine Corps, took a
new job as a  school teacher, but just before the school year started he
injured his  back.

He was required to wear a plaster  cast around  the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On  the
first day  of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in
the school.

The  smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former
Marine, were leery of him  and decided to see  how tough he really was,
before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into  the rowdy classroom,
the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his  desk.
  When  a strong breeze made his tie flap,  he picked up a stapler and
promptly stapled  the tie to his chest.

.....Dead silence... He had no trouble  with discipline that year.

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Just got back to Britain from Libya, what a nightmare!

The constant threat of violence from gun toting Arabs; a leader who's
completely lost touch with his people; every white person in sight looking
completely terrified and trying their best to hold on to their belongings
and their lives, stuck in what is essentially a Muslim country with no
where to turn!

I wish I'd stayed in Libya.

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  Latest news from the Mid-East.

      +^ر اگر ر?ت ساOE++ پOEدا +OEست +,ش
دOE^ار ^ +ش...  خOEر++ ...ا +,ش
     ساOE++ دگر +...OE دا+ +^ر اگر ر?ت ساOE++. ر
ر?ت ساOE++ پOEدا +OEست

     +,ش دOE^ار  ^ +ش... خOEر++ ...ا +,ش ساOE++
دگر +...OE دا+ +^ر اگ

     ر?ت ساOE++ پOEدا +OEست +,ش دOE^ار ^ +ش... 
خOEر++ ...


     If I hear anything else I will let you  know.


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  All things bright an beautiful

You have probably heard the Anglican hymn about the beauty of nature and
how the "Lord God made them all" written in 1848.
The other side of the coin is from Monty Python:

All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.

Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.

Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spiky urchin?
Who made the sharks? He did!

All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.


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Love and marriage

Any man who thinks marriage is a 50/50 proposition, doesn't understand
women or arithmetic.

The golden rule of marriage is to give very little, give seldom and
grudgingly. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage will become a
satisfying orgy of s*xual lust.

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One liners
:
University is the Fountain of Knowledge where everyone goes to drink.

Why do they put locked gates and  fences around d*ldo farms? To keep the
squatters out.

Sign on a brothel door: We are closed -- so beat it.

What do yo call pickled bread? Dill dough

What's the difference between a second hand tyre and 365 used condoms?
One was a Goodyear, the other a great year.

What is hairy on the outside, wet and slippery on the inside, begins with a
'c' and ends with a 't'?
A coconut.

What's better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ

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  Blondes

Blondes have more fun...because they are easier to find in the dark.
--------------------

A blonde goes to the doctor complaining about not feeling well. On
examination, the doctor noticed she had a carrot in her ear, a piece of
potato in the other ear and a bean in one nostril and peas in the other.
The quack told her that she wasn't eating properly.
------------

What does a blonde and a doorknob have in common -- everyone gets a turn.
---------------

Overhearing a conversation about psychology at a c*cktail party, a blonde
interrupts:"Tell me Professor, did I hear correctly; is there really a
quick, simple test to tell if someone is mentally deficient?" asked the
blonde.
"There certainly is young lady" replied the good doctor.
"Oh", she said fluttering her eyelashes "could you give me an example" she
thought as this could be useful to know to stop people thinking she was
just a dumb blonde.
"Well take this for example: Captain Cook sailed to Australia via Hawaii
twice and died during one of those. Which one?"
The blonde giggles nervously and said "Could you give another example, I'm
not good at history"
-----------------------

A bloke was walking along the beach when he came up to an ice-cream van. He
asked the blonde what flavours she had.
"We have vanilla, chocolate and strawberry" she said in a pained rasping
voice
"Do you have laryngitis?' he observed sympathetically.
"No sir" she strained "Only vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
-----------------------

Three blondes are at the carnival trying all the attractions in mug's
alley. As to be expected, they all win a small prize. The first won a
sample packet of spaghetti, the second a small cheese and the other scored
a new toilet brush. A few days later, the three friends caught up for a
coffee and chat.
"I just loved that spaghetti, that was a great win" said one.
"And I just love cheese" said the second "That was the perfect prize and so
tasty"
"I'm disappointed by the toilet brush" said the other girl "I'm going back
to using paper."


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  limericks, let me explain....

All about Limericks - Lesson 1:

A limerick is callous and rude
With morals distressingly lewd.
Most are not worth reading
By people of breeding
They're intended for the vulgar and crude.

The best way to understand this is to consider an example:

There was a young girl from West Earling
Who said she had no s*xual feeling.
Then a young lad called Boris
Just licked her cl*toris
And they had to scr*pe her off the ceiling

This gives you an idea. But not crude enough? Try this one:

There was a lady named Starky
Who had an affair with a darkie.
The result of that sin
Was quadruplets, not twins,
One white, one black and two khaki.

Not exactly PC, but who cares? Next let's have a fairy tale...

Cinderella slipped out to a dance
And dropped her slipper by chance.
She got it back from the prince
And I believe he has since
Successfully got into her pants

Also serious science can be exemplified:

Charles Darwin awoke with an erection
And he declined to use any protection
Or to discriminate
In the choice of a mate
In the interests of natural selection.

(Or the just plain unpalatable, ED):

There was a young Parson named Bings
Who spoke of God and such things,
But his secret desire,
Was a boy in the Choir,
Who had a bum like a jelly on springs.

(Or the smutful ones - ED):

There was a Bobby from Nottingham Junction,
Who's organ had long ceased to function,
He deceived his good wife,
For the rest of her life,
With the aid of his Constables truncheon.

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A day made of glass (I looked for the Humour in this one.....ED)

 Click here

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An Australian Love Poem.
Who said Australians weren't romantic?


  Of course I love ya darlin
  You're a bloody top-notch bird
  And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
  I don't mind a bit of flab
  It means that when I'm ready
  There's somethin there to grab

  So your belly isn't flat no more
  I tell ya, I don't care
  So long as when I cuddle ya
  I can get my arms round there

  No Sheila who is your age
  Has nice round perky breasts
  Yurs just gave in to gravity
  But I know ya did ya best

  I'm tellin' ya the truth now
  I never tell ya lies
  I think its very s*xy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
  The moment that we met
  I  thought you was as good as
  I was ever gonna get

  No matter what u look like
  I'll always love ya dear
  Now shut up while the football's on
  And fetch another beer.

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Dear Miss Gillard

Please find below our suggestion for fixing Australia's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money
on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 1 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the following
stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. A million job openings -

Unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car. A  million cars ordered -

Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -

Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids/ grandchildren to school/TAFE/university -

Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....and

There's your money back in duty/tax etc

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that
makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce
their pollutions emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their
falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.  If not,
please disregard.


Yours sincerely,

The working people of Australia

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Did you lose a cat

  Click here


"Did you lose a cat?"


This is probably the most amazing picture of 2010!!!


                  "Did you lose a cat?"


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La Bragueta
  Click here

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More Walmartians

  Click here
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Shrug
  Click here

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  Maxine on snow

  Click here
  Click here
  Click here
  Click here
  Click here
  Click here
  Click here

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  Best. Motorcycle. Ever.

  Click here

That is all.

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  What is it made of?
Bet you can't guess what it is from the first couple of pictures.

  Click here
  Click here
  Click here
  Click here
  Click here
  Click here 


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  How to put the spark back in your relationship!

  Click here

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  Never go home unexpectedly

  Click here

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  The drunken Scot

  Click here

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Heavy landing

  Click here

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  UNBELIEVABLE !!!!

  Click here


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  Wrong move in a gun fight
  Click here

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  Africa black and white
  Click here

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They're people!

  Click here
  Click here
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Example of a good lawyer

  Click here
  Click here
  Click here


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Circle of Life

  Click here


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  The SCHITT FAMILY TREE on video

  Click here


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  Domestic Violence ! (WARNING XXX -ED)

One thing I can't stand is domestic violence.

  Click here

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  The Loch Ness Monster (Warning XXX -- ED)

Brought a tear to my eye

***Late breaking news from Scotland***

Loch Ness Monster found !!!

  Greetings Y'all,

Jus' thought it bes' ta let y'all know we hev' foun' da' Loch Ness
Monster!!!


  Click here


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  The dangers of auto correct on an iPhone

  Click here
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  Click here

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   A REALLY BAD NIGHT

I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again

NEVER EVER again!!
 Click here


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Streaker Fails
You should get a laugh out of this
 Click here

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British Breast Implant
 Click here


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CAIRO

The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around
Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the
city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will , last for the rest of the week.

Don't blame me I only pass them on!

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Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing
Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin'
organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the
rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white

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Quote of the Week:-

"I never knew whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his
senses."

- William Makepeace Thackery

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[ End friday humour ]

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