Friday humour - February 25, 2011

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

I was going to make some comment about Egypt and Lybia this week, but
Christchurch makes all that less enticing. Another tragedy close up. Maybe
there is something to these extreme super moons.

There was a lot of stuff sent in this week bashing Muslims that wasn’t
funny, and therefore wasn’t included. Everyone who thinks fundamentalist
religion is a new thing should remember that Islam is around 400 years
younger than Christianity, and still has some growing to do. If you think
back to what Christians were doing 400 odd years ago will see that not
much has changed, except the destructiveness of the weaponry, and the
coverage of the media. The fanaticism and the infallibility is quite
similar ...

This week's largish collection comes to you courtesy of Allnutts, Burnout,
Cartographer Chris, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Kaos_reflex,
Liz, Mausie Down Under, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Stumpy Steve, The
Great Gussius, Whizzbang, and the omnipresent anonymi.
Enjoy.

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Why the water is falling from the sky;
 
The Moon does an 18.6 year cycle.

A super moon is a new or full moon which occurs when the moon is at 90% or
greater of its closest perigee approach to the earth.

An extreme super moon is when the moon is a new moon or full moon and is at
100% or greater mean perigee (closest) distance to earth.

1955 Floods
There was an extreme super moon at full moon on November 10 1954.
Flooding occurred from October 1954 to 23 February 1955

1974 Floods(18-19 years later)
There was an extreme super moon at full moon on January 8th 1974.
3 weeks of rain up to 29 Jan 1974.

1992 floods (18-19 years later)
There was an extreme super moon at full moon on Jan 19 1992.

2011 Floods (18-19 years later).
There are super moons at full moon on 18/2/2011, 19/3/2011 and 18/4/2011.
And There is an extreme super moon on the full moon of the 19/3/2011

I guess this is why they are predicting 6/7 cyclones this year?

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An interesting story regarding Naval History

From November 1943, until her demise in June 1945, the American destroyer
'William Porter' was often hailed - whenever she entered port or joined
other Naval ships - with the greetings: 'Don't shoot, we're Republicans!'
For a half a century, the US Navy kept a lid on the details of the
incident that prompted this salutation. A Miami news reporter made the
first public disclosure in 1958 after he stumbled upon the truth while
covering a reunion of the destroyer's crew. The Pentagon reluctantly and
tersely confirmed his story, but only a smattering of newspapers took
notice.

In 1943, the Willie D as the Porter was nicknamed, accidentally fired a
live torpedo at the battleship Iowa during a practice exercise. As if this
weren't bad enough, the Iowa was carrying President Franklin D. Roosevelt
at the time, along with Secretary of
State, Cordell Hull, and all of the country's W.W.II military brass. They
were headed for the Big Three Conference in Tehran, where
Roosevelt was to meet Stalin and Churchill. Had the Porter's torpedo struck
the Iowa at the aiming point, the last 60 years of world history might have
been quite different.

The USS William D Porter (DD-579) was one of hundreds of assembly line
destroyers built during the war. They mounted several heavy and light
guns, but their main armament consisted of 10 fast-running and accurate
torpedoes that carried 500-pound warheads. This destroyer was placed in
commission on July 1943 under the command of Wilfred Walker, a man on the
Navy's fast career track. In the months before she was detailed to
accompany the Iowa across the Atlantic in November 1943, the Porter and
her crew learned their trade, experiencing the normal problems that always
beset a new ship and a novice crew. The mishaps grew more serious when she
became an escort for the pride of the fleet, the big new battleship Iowa.

The night before they left Norfolk, bound for North Africa, the Porter
accidentally damaged a nearby sister ship when she backed down along the
other ship's side and her anchor tore down her railings, life rafts,
ship's boat and various other formerly valuable pieces of equipment. The
Willie D merely had a scr*ped anchor, but her career of mayhem and mishaps
had begun.

Just twenty four hours later, the four-ship convoy consisting of Iowa and
her secret passengers and two other destroyers was under strict
instructions to maintain complete radio silence. As they were going
through a known U-boat feeding ground, speed and silence were the best
defence. Suddenly, a tremendous explosion rocked the convoy. All of the
ships commenced anti-submarine manoeuvres.
This continued until the Porter sheepishly admitted that one of her depth
charges had fallen off her stern and exploded. The
'safety' had not been set as instructed. Captain Walker was watching his
fast track career become side-tracked. Shortly thereafter,
a freak wave inundated the ship, stripping away everything that wasn't
lashed down. A man was washed overboard and never found.
Next, the fire room lost power in one of its boilers. The Captain, by this
point, was making reports almost hourly to the Iowa on the Willie D's
difficulties. It would have been merciful if the force commander had
detached the hard luck ship and sent her back to
Norfolk. But, no, she sailed on.

The morning of 14 November 1943 dawned with a moderate sea and pleasant
weather. The Iowa and her escorts were just east of Bermuda,
and the president and his guests wanted to see how the big ship could
defend herself against an air attack. So, Iowa launched a number of
weather balloons to use as anti-aircraft targets. It was exciting to see
more than 100 guns shooting at the balloons, and the President was proud
of his Navy. Just as proud was Admiral Ernest J King, the Chief of Naval
Operations; large in size and by demeanour, a true monarch of the sea.
Disagreeing with him meant the end of a naval career. Up to this time, no
one knew what firing a torpedo at him would mean. Over on the Willie D,
Captain Walker watched the fireworks display with admiration and envy.
Thinking about career redemption and breaking the hard luck spell, the
Captain sent his impatient crew to battle stations. They began to shoot
down the balloons the Iowa had missed as they drifted into the Porter's
vicinity.

Down on the torpedo mounts, the crew watched, waiting to take some practice
shots of their own on the big battleship, which, even though 6,000 yards
away, seemed to blot out the horizon. Lawton Dawson and Tony Fazio were
among those responsible for the torpedoes. Part of their job involved
ensuring that the primers were installed during actual combat and removed
during practice.
Once a primer was installed, on a command to fire, it would explode
shooting the torpedo out of its tube.

Dawson, on this particular morning, unfortunately had forgotten to remove
the primer from torpedo tube #3. Up on the bridge, a new torpedo officer,
unaware of the danger, ordered a simulated firing. "Fire 1, Fire 2," and
finally, "Fire 3." There was no fire 4 as the sequence was interrupted by
an unmistakable whooooooshhhhing sound made by a successfully launched and
armed torpedo. Lt H.
Steward Lewis, who witnessed the entire event, later described the next few
minutes as what hell would look like if it ever broke loose.

Just after he saw the torpedo hit water on its way to the Iowa and some of
the most prominent figures in world history, Lewis innocently asked the
Captain, 'Did you give permission to fire a torpedo?' Captain Walker's
reply will not ring down through naval history... although words to the
effect of Farragut's immortal 'Damn the torpedoes' figured centrally
within. Initially there was some reluctance to admit what had happened, or
even to warn the Iowa. As the awful reality sunk in, people began racing
around,
shouting conflicting instructions and attempting to warn the flagship of
imminent danger. First, there was a flashing light warning about the
torpedo which unfortunately indicated it was headed in another direction.
Next, the Porter signalled that it was going reverse at full speed!
Finally, they decided to break the strictly enforced radio silence. The
radio operator on the destroyer transmitted "'Lion (code for the Iowa),
Lion, come right." The Iowa operator, more concerned about radio
procedure, requested that the offending station identify itself first.
Finally, the message was received and the Iowa began turning to avoid the
speeding torpedo.

Meanwhile, on the Iowa's bridge, word of the torpedo firing had reached
FDR, who asked that his wheelchair be moved to the railing so he could see
better what was coming his way. His loyal Secret Service guard immediately
drew his pistol as if he was going to shoot the torpedo. As the Iowa began
evasive manoeuvres, all of her guns were trained on the William D Porter.
There was now some thought that the Porter was part of an assassination
plot. Within moments of the warning, there was a tremendous explosion just
behind the battleship. The torpedo had been detonated by the wash kicked up
by the battleship's increased speed.

The crisis was over and so was Captain Walker's career. His final utterance
to the Iowa, in response to a question about the origin of the torpedo, was
a weak, "We did it." Shortly thereafter, the brand new destroyer, her
Captain and the entire crew were placed under arrest and sent to Bermuda
for trial. It was the first time that a complete ship's company had been
arrested in the history of the US Navy. The ship was surrounded by Marines
when it docked in Bermuda, and held there several days as the closed
session inquiry attempted to determine what had happened. Torpedoman
Dawson eventually confessed to having inadvertently left the primer in the
torpedo tube, which caused the launching. Dawson had thrown the used primer
over the side to conceal his mistake.

The whole incident was chalked up to an unfortunate set of circ*mstances
and placed under a cloak of secrecy. Someone had to be punished. Captain
Walker and several other Porter officers and sailors eventually found
themselves in obscure shore assignments.
Dawson was sentenced to 14 years hard labour. President Roosevelt
intervened; however, asking that no punishment be meted out for what was
clearly an accident. The destroyer was banished to the upper Aleutians. It
was probably thought this was as safe a place as any for the ship and
anyone who came near her. She remained in the frozen north for almost a
year, until late 1944, when she was re-assigned to the Western Pacific.

Before leaving the Aleutians, she accidentally left her calling card in the
form of a five-inch shell fired into the front yard of the American base
commandant, thus rearranging his flower garden. In December, 1944, she
joined the Philippine invasion forces and acquitted herself quite well.
She distinguished herself by shooting down a number of attacking Japanese
aircraft. Regrettably, after the war, it was reported that she also shot
down three American planes. This was a common event on ships, as many
gunners, fearful of kamikazes, had nervous trigger fingers.

In April, 1945, the destroyer was assigned to support the invasion of
Okinawa. By this time, the greeting "Don't Shoot, We're
Republicans" was commonplace and the crew of the Willie D had become used
to the ribbing. But the crew of her sister ship, the USS
Luce, was not so polite in its salutations after the Porter accidentally
riddled her side and superstructure with gunfire.

On 10 June, 1945, the Porter's hard luck finally ran out. She was sunk by a
plane which had (unintentionally) attacked underwater. A
Japanese bomber made almost entirely of wood and canvas slipped through the
Navy's defence. Having little in the way of metal surfaces, the plane
didn't register on radar. A fully loaded kamikaze, it was headed for a
ship near the Porter, but just at the last moment veered away and crashed
along side the unlucky destroyer. There was a sigh of relief as the plane
sunk out of sight, but then it blew up underneath the Porter, opening her
hull in the worst possible location.

Three hours later, after the last man was off board, the Captain jumped to
the safety of a rescue vessel and the ship that almost changed world
history slipped astern into 2,400 feet of water. Not a single soul was
lost in the sinking. After everything else that happened, it was almost as
if the ship decided to let her crew off at the end.

- Kit Bonner, Naval Historian

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Jewish Sunbathing In Florida

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally
deserted beach at Ft. Myers . She looked up and noticed that a man her
age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand
near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a
conversation with him.

"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned
back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is
very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?"
She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed
reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like
pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her
swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How
did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

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Comic life in Afghanistan
 Click here

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Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar about as drunk as its possible
to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and
take him home. First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can
find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real
thud. After they get to his house, he falls down another four times
getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband
home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

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Comment.....
 Click here

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On Sat*rday just gone, at Karrinyup Shopping Centre (Western Australia) the
Variety Club Youth Choir organized a FLASH MOB where they all were
incognito in the Food Hall, and started standing up in groups singing "We
are Australians" -
 Click here

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Long stabby thing
 Click here

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The Recession hits everybody......

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having s*x with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies
while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them
and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!
The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people
who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

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Take a ride on a shanty boat with a couple of self proclaimed morons. This
trip down the Kentucky River is one you will never forget.
 Click here

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You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one ...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful
Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of
the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only
made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle
by now.

Love, Mom

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90% of men will tell ya that the birth of their 1st child is the greatest
thing to be witnessed. Obviously they've never seen a coon hit by a road
train.

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Scientists have discovered that women have the same DNA as prawns .. their
heads are full of sh*t, but their pink bits taste amazing.

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This only takes a second and it feels so good!

Click your mouse anywhere (& everywhere) on the page & see what happens!
Better yet, click (hold down) & drag your mouse all over the black page
....

Enjoy!! Spring is coming!!
 Click here

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St. Paddy's Day is just a bit away .. so here's a song 'bout why Paddy's
not at work today..
 Click here

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A Polite Way To Excuse Yourself To Go Pee

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners
asked her students the following:

Teacher :"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael : "Just a minute I have to go pee."

Teacher : "That would be rude and impolite."

Teacher : "What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter : "I truly am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
right back."

Teacher : "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table."

Teacher : "And you, Little Johnny , can you use your brains for once and
show us your good manners?"

Little Johnny : "Darling, may I please be excused for a brief moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I am hoping you
will get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a
Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, an
Argentinean, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, a Canadian, an
Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Norwegian, a Swede, a Finn,
a South African, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and
a Swiss man walk into a club.

"Sorry guys, no drinks for you lot," says the barman.

"Why not?" they say.

The barman replies, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

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My wife and I were at home watching television.

I had the remote and was switching back & forth between a fishing channel
and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake! LEAVE IT ON THE PORN CHANNEL!

You already know how to fish!"

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Tips from Burglars -- 13 Things Your Burglar Won't Tell You

1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your
carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.

2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your
yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make
my return a little easier.

3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste, and taste means there
are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me
wonder what type of gaming system they have.

4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I
might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you
to remove it.

5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbour to create car and
foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead
giveaway.

6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm
company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it
too easy.

7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows
on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom - and your
jewellery. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there, too.

8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock
your door - understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off
because of bad weather.

9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere
or offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)

10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check
dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.

11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.

12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where
you keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with
me.

13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm
system.

If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out of town, you can
buy a cheap device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow
of a real television.

8 MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:

1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and
carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.

2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbours.

3. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your
neighbour hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to
hear it again. If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he
was doing. It's human nature.

4. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy
alarm system and leave your house without setting it?

5. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home,
and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk
through your neighbourhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to
pick my targets.

6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Face book page. It's easier than
you think to look up your address.

7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to
let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.

8. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit
the jackpot and walk right in.

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The first testicular guard (or box) was used in cricket in 1874.

The first head protector (or helmet) was used in cricket in 1974.

So, it took exactly 100 years for men to realise that their brains could
also be important ...

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The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven,
which part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny then raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your
feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny,
why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into my Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night.

Mum had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm
coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted!

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If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free x-ray
and a breast exam, AND, if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free
colonoscopy.

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Mike and Jim were a couple of drinking pals who worked as aircraft
mechanics at Glasgow Airport . One day the airport was fogged in and they
were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Mike said, "Jeez, I wish we
had something to drink!".

Jim says, "Me as weel. Y'ken, I've heard ye can swallie jet fuel an' get a
buzz. Ye gonnae try it?

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hootch and get
completely smashed. The next morning Mike wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how dae ye feel this mornin'?"

Mike says, "Brilliant! Whit aboot yersel'?"

Jim says, "Ah feel great, tae. Dae ye hiv a sair heid?"

Mike says, "Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff - nae hangover, nothin'. We
need tae drink this stuff insteed o' Smirnoff."

"Aye! But there's just wan thing..."

"Whit's that?"

"Huv ye farted yet?"

"Naw...."

"Well, DINNAE, 'cause ah'm in Dusseldorf !"

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A guy walks into a bar in Swansea and orders a white wine.

All the Taffs sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful
Englishman from the London.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from London ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in London?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do
you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Englishman "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount
animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

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On a recent visit to Rome, I was fortunate enough to meet the Pope.

Not sure what to say to his holiness, I decided to try a little humour.

“Holy Father” I said “Did you hear the one about the two Germans who walked
into a bar ...”

“Do you realise that I, too, am German?” he gracefully interrupted.

“Oh dear, of course" I said, "In that case I'll say it very slowly”

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A University is an Institution.

The following may explain why university professors are kept safely away
from normal people, in institutions:

Two explanations of Darwinian evolution:

"Evolution is an integration of matter and concomitant dissipation of
motion; during which the matter passes from an indefinite,
incoherent homogeneity to a definite, coherent heterogeneity; and during
which the retained motion undergoes a parallel transformation." (Spencer
1870)

Which was then simplified to:

"Evolution is a change from nohowish, untalkaboutable all-alikeness, to a
somehowish and in-general-talkaboutable,
not-all-alikeness, by continuous somethingelseifications and
stick-togetherations." (Kirkman)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

There is a tribe in deepest darkest Africa with a custom of beating the
ground with clubs while dancing around and uttering shrill cries of deep
emotional self-expression.

In Australia, it's called golf.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Oxford English Dictionary defines a menstrual period as a bloody waste
of f*cking time.

A new mint flavoured birth control pill as been invented. A girl takes one
just before having s*x. They are called Pred*ckamints.

70 percent of gay men were born that way. The other 30 percent were sucked
into it.

Why do only 10 % of women get to heaven. Because if they all did, it would
be hell.

What has 100 balls and screws little old ladies? Bingo.

What has 100 balls and f*cks rabbits? A shotgun.

What happens if you kiss a canary? You catch chirpies and it can't be
tweeted.

What's the difference between oral s*x and anal s*x? A bl*w job makes your
day, but anal s*x makes your hole weak.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

After graduating from agricultural college and living all his life in the
big city, Bruce decided to go bush and bought a farm in outback Australia.

He loved the solitude. Mail came fortnightly, fresh groceries and canned
foodstuff was delivered once a month, no phones, no internet, just the
simple life communing with nature and working the harsh land. He'd been
settled in for a while when one day a drover rode up on horseback.

“G'day Bruce, I'm ya neighbour from over that-a-way, about 40 miles on
Stiff Creek station. My name's Bruce too. I heard ya'd moved in and I'm
having a party on Sat*rday, so I thought I'd do the neighbourly thing and
invite youse over fer a few drinks.”

“That would be great” he said “I haven't as much as seen anyone since I've
been here.”

“Well come on over and bring ya drinkin' boots. We will be doing some
serious guzzling of the thirst quenching amber fluid. I hope ya don't mind
the occasional fight if things get outta control and there's gonna be a lot
of hot s*x.

“Boy” said Bruce to Bruce. “That sounds like a great party. What time
should I get there?”

“It don't matter” Bruce replied. Get there whenever ya like mate, there's
only gonna be the two of us anyway”

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Two women whose husbands earned the same salary in the same company were
comparing their lifestyles.

“We just can't make ends meet on Bob's wages” said the first “How do you
manage?”

“Every night we work on our budget” said the second woman. “By the time we
balance the cheque book, credit card and mortgage payments, its too damn
late to do anything or go anywhere.

-----------------------------

Despite the laws of physics, it is never the cold women who get the fur
coats.

-----------------------------

How does a woman get a Mink? The same way a mink gets a mink.

-----------------------------

“Do you realise how some poor dumb beast suffered so that you could have
that fur coat?”

“Don't say that about my husband”

-----------------------------

Marriage is the process which turns your Dreamboat into a barge. This
explains why a tug is often necessary.

-----------------------------

She locked me in the wine cellar because I said that husbands are like a
fine wine.

-----------------------------

The best man's speech at the reception should be like a mini skirt. Short
enough to be interesting and just long enough to cover the bare
essentials.

-----------------------------

What ever you do my son, do not marry a tennis player. For love means
nothing to them.

-----------------------------

Love is a form of temporary insanity, the cure is marriage.

-----------------------------

Women can make fools of men, but I'm the DIY type.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Music lessons

What do you get if you drop a grand piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor.

What do you get if you put an army officers nose to the grindstone? A sharp
major.

And run over an officer with a steam roller? B flat major.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Photographer Michel Denis-Huot, who captured these amazing pictures on
safari in Kenya's Masai Mara in October last year, said he was astounded
by what he saw:

"These three brothers (cheetahs) have been living together since they left
their mother at about 18 months old,' he said.
'On the morning we saw them, they seemed not to be hungry, walking quickly
but stopping sometimes to play together.
'At one point, they met a group of impala who ran away. But one youngster
was not quick enough and the brothers caught it easily'."

These extraordinary scenes followed.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
and then they just walked away without hurting him....

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Important instructional video
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Founder of Red Bull and his Airplane Collection
 Click here
Retro-mod aircraft!!! Nice!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Let's all re-focus our efforts.

Somewhere along the way, we've forgotten just what the main purpose of
E-Mails was supposed to be. There is more to life than just bashing
Pelosi, Bush, Obama, Palin, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and politicians in
general.

Keep in mind we need to get back to what email was designed for ... [XXX]
 Click here
There now ... isnt that better?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Going for more Beer ...
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Photos by Astronaut Wheelock - Pretty amazing
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Indian pole dancing
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Idiots - they walk among us.....
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Streaker Fail. [Xish]
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

China
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Demotivational posters.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Fotografii de epoca
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Little Johnny [XXX]
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

For dog lovers ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

No hiding place from new U.S. Army rifles that use radio-controlled smart
bullets.  The XM25 Counter Defilade Target Engagement
System has a range of roughly 2,300 feet - and is to be deployed in
Afghanistan this month.

The rifle's gunsight uses a laser rangefinder to determine the exact
distance to the obstruction, after which the soldier can add or subtract
up to 3 metres from that distance to enable the bullets to clear the
barrier and explode above or beside the target.

Soldiers will be able to use them to target snipers hidden in trenches
rather than calling in air strikes.

The 25-millimetre round contains a chip that receives a radio signal from
the gunsight as to the precise distance to the target.
Lt. Col. Christopher Lehner, project manager for the system, described the
weapon as a 'game-changer' that other nations will try and copy.

He expects the Army to buy 12,500 of the XM25 rifles this year, enough for
every member of the infantry and special forces.

Lehner told FoxNews: 'With this weapon system, we take away cover from
[enemy targets] forever.

'Tactics are going to have to be rewritten. The only thing we can see
[enemies] being able to do is run away.'

Experts say the rifle means that enemy troops will no longer be safe if
they take cover.
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Bent Objects
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Jim decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jim's
minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They
pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the
neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jim said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jim got an
unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it
out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes, ' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I
have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm
afraid I did..' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an
iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she
bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started ...

What the wife failed to recognise is that the iRon can be integrated into
the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
Although this inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

Note - it has completely destroyed the iRoot functionality.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Modern women ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Baby and the big dog
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Triangle
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Is your Bank included in this offer?
 Click here
Banks are offering a FREE pencil sharpener in gratitude for the 36 billion
profit they made from us last year.
It's designed to remind us of the friendly, intimate relationship the banks
have built up with the British public since the credit crunch.
Just call into any branch. There's a small collection fee of £36.50 (to
cover admin and market fluctuations) plus a delivery charge of £17.35.
What great value!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New Doll
 Click here
The latest toy has hit the shops ... A talking Muslim doll.
Nobody knows what the hell it says, because no one has the courage to pull
the cord.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Prostate exam:

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on
the Medicare Rebate, a friend of mine decided to have his next test
carried out in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle
and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and
the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said
the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"Not you, me" replied the nurse.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I've Found A Part Time Job For When I Retire [XXX]
 Click here
Its Very Possible This Could Turn Into A FULL TIME JOB.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Gittin Married? Yikes!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
And you thought the Photos of "People of Walmart" were bad ...

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Marriage
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Best ad for a Slurpee ever !!!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Harmonica Man - Andy Mackie
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Voice Recognition Elevator - Scottish Elevator
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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