Friday humour - February 18, 2011

From Gussius @ Bluehaze

At Friday Humour, we always appreciate our readers' feedback about the
value of a weekly chuckle -
whether it’s PC or not; reliable in content; has any vestige of truth;
displays wobbly spelling or is grammatically inaccurate. Like most, we
appreciate positive, constructive feedback. Our subscriber list continues
to grow which seems to reflects that.

Sadly, due to the GFC, we had to fire the bloke in charge of negative
complaints. (He got a nice afternoon tea and a photo of a gold watch). In
future, complaints should be composed in an email, then after carefully
re-reading, instead of clicking “send”; simply click “delete”. We'll do
the rest.

We got that idea from Italian PM Berlusconi’s management style. He also is
alleged to have said:

“S*xual enjoyment is great,
When older, it’s said to abate.
That may well be so,
But how would I know?
Cos I’m only seventy-eight!”

I might add that none of the above is accurate, reliable or correctly
punctuated.

Contributions are from Allnutts, Anonymous, Burnout, Diks, Liz, Mitta,
Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Sack,
Stumpy Steve, Whizzbang and Seasoldier.

So on with this Valentine week’s contributions:

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Enjoy a night in Macau Better than Las Vegas! Wow

Over the top... better than Las Vegas!
Come with me to enjoy a night in Macau (now part of China).... stay till
the end or you'll miss the circus on the water (with flying motorcycles)
and the fireworks contest. This will be a most enjoyable journey for you!

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Back Pew

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding
salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much
the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much
more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair
and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts
as He gives us.' Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in
her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much
of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Dog in Heat

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and 'in heat,' agreed to look after and
house her neighbor's male dog while he was away on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the dogs apart, but
as she was drifting off to sleep she heard an awful howling and moaning
sound. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in
obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs
mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Once she explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise
of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to
withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me", he replied.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

An amazing video from the BBC

Humans living in the wildest places on earth:

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Just a warning..................

Hi All
Just a warning on the New 3D televisions.

I bought one the other day and guess what!
These new 3 D televisions are so real.

I dozed off last night watching a doc*mentary on aborigines.
When I woke up my wallet, beer and thongs were gone.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Bazz th' Cane Toad

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Panoramic 3D pictures

Drag slow or you may get dizzy, pretty cool! You can scroll up and down,
too!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse or Parliament, is this -

You cannot post - 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a
building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.... It createsa hostile
work environment.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I'LL NEVER HEAR THIS AGAIN THE SAME WAY

For all those students of history who don't know what the hell he's singing
about. You can click on any of the pictures and it will describe the
photo(its neat)

Enjoy!!!

BILLY JOEL
This song & its title was answer to a recent
Final Jeopardy -- only one person got it right -- question was
(paraphrased) "What 1980's song do history teachers praise for its
educational value." Never could understand
all the references on Billy Joel's song --
fortunately, with this VIDEO, given the picture(s), now can "see" what our
"ears" couldn't. Anyway, checked to see purpose behind the song.
Apparently,
it's Joel's homage to the 40-years of historical headlines since his birth
(1949). Wish we could have appreciated the depths of this song when it was
released. Twenty years later, it's amazing what Joel was able to put into
music and lyrics lasting only a few minutes.
Here it is, set to pictures... . It's a neat flashback through the past
half century. Turn up volume, sit back and enjoy a review of 50 years of
history in less than 3 minutes!

Thanks to Billy Joel and some guy from the
University of Chicago with a lot of spare time and top left gives you full
screen.... top right lets you pause.
Bottom left shows the year. The older you are, the more pictures you will
recognize. Anyone over age 65 should remember over 90% of what they see.
But it's great at any age.

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

eBay Rip off

I spent $50 on EBay for a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Orbiter- 103 (Discovery), Mission STS-133

This is Orbiter-103 (Discovery), Mission STS-133, on Launch Pad A; getting
ready for launch 30 Nov if all the fixes go well. This will be Discovery's
final flight.

If you haven't seen these panoramic views of the space shuttle on the
launch pad, you're in for a treat. Use your mouse to view the pad from all
directions. Better yet - right-click on the photo and go to 'full screen',
and then play with it from all vantage points--- it's spectacular.

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Grownup's Tinker Toys

What a creative and inventive mind!

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Perfect Cuppa.

Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to
agitate the bag.

So every morning I shout, 'Two sugars, fat ar*e!'

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New Thai airline recruits ladyboy flight attendants

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

What a lady

 Click here
sledgehammer-gang-with-my-handbag.html

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

That's life

My s*xy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a Roger. It was
only when I had my trousers round my ankles, and my c*ck out, that it
became apparent she wanted to rent out her spare room.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Farmer buys a young c*ck

A farmer buys a young c*ck. As soon as it comes home it rushes and shags
all the 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the c*ck again shags
all 150 hens. Farmer gets tense now. Next day, he finds the c*ck shagging
the ducks and the geese.
Later.. the farmer finds the c*ck pale, half dead, lying on the ground with
vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says " you deserve it you horny F*cker" The c*ck opens one eye,
points up and says "Shhh... they are about to land!!!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Tombstone.

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make
sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's
undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper
'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she
wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN'

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral,
as the undertaker-- postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the
lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she
had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen He
thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final
request,
considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a
postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the
appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read
as follows:

'RETURNED UNOPENED'

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Cricket explained.

Cricket is a game in which there are 2 sides - one out on the field, and
the other in.

Each man in the side that is in goes out, and when he is out he comes in,
then the next man goes out until he's out and then he comes in.

When the side that is in is all out, the side that has been out goes in,
and the side that was in goes out and tries to get out the side that went
in.

Sometimes there are men still in and not out when the side that is in is
finally out. When both sides have been in and out, including those not out
and no longer in - that is the end of the game.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Book Recommendation

A man goes into Chapter's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do
you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts to him 'Where am I?' The Irish farmer
looks back up and shouts back, 'Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard.
You're in that feckin basket.'

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin, 3 hours
later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.

Thought to myself, they've lost the f*ckin plot . . .

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Scotsman's Chilli

A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke
bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Aye,
ye can gae richt aheid."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the
bowl.

The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A quickie is a goodie.

An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a
flying carpet on each side of his plane, both with a machine gunner on
board.
Sensing danger he shot them down.
Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied
Carpets.

..... .. . . . . . . . . . ..

I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

. . . .. . . . . . . . . ..

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign saying 'English speaking Doctor'.
I thought; "What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country."

. . . .. . . . . . . . . ..

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

. . . . . . . . . . . . ..

Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife
and got no answer.
Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was,
Face down on the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were
welling in my eyes..............
Then a moment of pure inspiration........
.... McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have
s*x?"
"I did once & he looked really angry."
"Why angry?"
Because he was watching through the window.!

. . . . . . . . . . . . ..

Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on
the sofa...
Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!

. . . .. . . . . . . . .

Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I
took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other
half.
It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus
home.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are
going to study the workings of the female mind.
The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Pete was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really s*xy Thai
bird.
He thought to himself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an
erection."
But she did.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Walkers are to add spunk flavour crisps to their range. They will be
marketed for woman as Diet Crisps,
as 97% will spit em out

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

At the movies

Don't bother with going to see "The Kings Speech", here is the plot in just
five lines...

There was a young monarch called Ed
Who took Mrs Simpson to bed.
As they bounced up and down
He yelled “Oh bugger the crown,
Give it to my brother instead”

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

My baby

A woman has just given birth. She was elated and tired as she looked around
for her brand new bundle of joy.

“Where's my baby, I want to see my baby”

The midwife and doctor came over and told her to prepare herself because
the baby was disabled.

“That doesn't matter” she said “What's wrong with him?”

“Your baby has no arms”

She started to cry at the news, but asked to hold him.

“Ahh, there's something else you need to know first” said the doc “He has
no legs either”

“Oh” she wailed “ I don't care. I'll still love him”

“There's something else you need to understand” said the midwife “He
doesn't have a torso”

“My God. Please bring him to me, I want to cuddle my little one”

“Before we do that, we'll clean him up first. You'll probably notice your
baby was also born without a head as well” said the doc

“What!” screamed the woman between her sobs “Bring him to me, I want to see
my baby now!”

The nurse came over with a pillow on which was a small pink ear.

“My darling” oozed the proud new mum “Goochy-goo”

“You'll have to speak up” said the doctor “He's deaf”

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Child's play

A little boy is playing pirates on his own in the backyard. He has a wooden
cutlass made from scr*p timber, an eye patch that his mum had made for him
and a hat with a skull and cross bones painted on it.
His dad came out of the shed and asked what he was up to.

“I'm playing pirates” he said “and this here is my pirate ship”

”Where's your buccaneers?” asked dad.

“They're under me buccan hat” said the boy.

After a while, he grew tried of playing that game and decided a change was
needed.

“What are you going to do now” asked dad

“I'm going to run away and join the army.”

“But you are still my little baby, aren't you a bit young to join the
army?”

“It's ok dad, I'll join the infantry.”

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Nurses and Indians

Two Indian doctors working as loc*ms are having a vigorous discussion in
the staff room of a major city hospital.

“It is spelt W-H-O-O-M” said one.

“Oh no, no, no. Goodness gracious me, it is indeed spelt W-H-O-M-B” said
the other.

A nurse who overheard the debate said helpfully ”Excuse me but you are both
wrong – its proper spelling is W-O-M-B.

“Thank you Sister” said the first doctor “But that is not at all like the
sound of a bull elephant passing wind underwater”

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Always time for anudder oirish joke

A Irish recruit had only been a soldier for two weeks when he found himself
up before the commanding officer for a minor offence.

“You have a choice Paddy” said the CO “either 30 days confined to barracks
peeling potatos or 20 days pay”

Paddy thought for quite a while then said “I think I'll take the money”

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Life is like that

A young bloke went to the doctor complaining of lacking energy and always
feeling run down. The examination showed no obvious signs of illness so
the medico advised the guy to have more rest and take a relaxing holiday.

“I can't do that. I have a demanding job that pays very well. If I do that,
I'll lose money.”

“Well you could cut down on social activities – going to parties, cut down
on s*x and so on.”

“Chop it out Doc, I have women chasing me all the time – I can't give up
s*x – I'm crazy about a little pussy”

“Well, I see that you're in your 30s so you could get married – that way
you would taper off over a couple of years”

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

After the floods...

As if things weren't bad enough, I got pulled up by the police while
speeding to get to work on time. He asked for my licence and checked my
name and address as usual, with that stony, cold look of a constable who
has heard it all.

I pleaded with the copper as I explained that I'd been caught in the
floods, my house had been washed away. A torrent had taken it down the
valley and into the ocean. Couldn't he just give me a break?

He looked up and said "OK, the ticket needs to show 'no fixed address'. "

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Valentines Day song

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand and that's not what you planned
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange and our customs deranged
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw and the bales total four
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife, she gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight used a sword in a fight
That's Sa... mur... ai.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Bin Laden's Liquor Store

I'll bet you can't play this just once!

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Have your head in the clouds - fantastic stuff.

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Great Beer Commercial...

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

In the news revisited:

Berlusconi to stand trial on underage s*x charges.

Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi will go on trial for buying
underage s*x and abuse of power, judge
Cristina Di Censa has ruled.

Ms Di Censa fixed the date for the first hearing in a fast-track trial for
April 6, 2011.

"We didn't expect the judge to arrange a date" Mr Berlusconi's lawyers said
on hearing the news “He’s quiet capable of getting his own dates”.

Under Italian law, the fast-track procedure of summary judgement can be
requested by the public prosecutor's office when there is clear evidence
of someone getting a bit of slap ‘n tickle.

Prosecutors in Milan claim the 74-year-old premier paid for s*x with a
nightclub dancer known as 'Ruby the Heart Stealer', who was 17 at the
time. That’s 17 Celsius, not Fahrenheit and that’s hot enough for me.

They also allege Mr Berlusconi improperly used his power by asking police
to release her after left her tied to a bed post & she had been arrested
for suspected theft in May.

Using the services of prostitutes is not a crime in Italy, but paying for
s*x with a girl under the age of 18 is illegal. Not wrong, just illegal -
priests excepted.

Mr Berlusconi denies the allegation, saying it is politically motivated.

His lawyers claim the Italian leader did not abuse his power or himself
when he told police to release the
Moroccan disco dancer.

They say Mr Berlusconi truly believed 'Ruby' was the niece of Egyptian
president Hosni Mubarak - which was untrue.

They say Mr Berlusconi had therefore been carrying out his duty by
intervening to help a fellow leader and reduce diplomatic fallout. He also
didn’t try to stop her b*obs falling out.

The probe into the prime minister's allegedly wild s*x life was made public
on January 14, just a day after a top court partially stripped him of
political immunity, deciding it was up to individual judges to decide
whether to put him on trial.

But the prime minister flatly refused to obey summons for questioning,
claiming the Milan magistrates were not qualified to handle the case.
“What would they know about hot chicks” he muttered.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Why the Black Hawks sold the Zambonie

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Makes sense to me.

Why the Black Hawks sold the Zambonie

Love the names on the back of their jerseys....
Say it fast 3 times!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How throw a leg over.

 Click here

Listen carefully to the disclaimers and warnings during this commercial.!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Football

 Click here

If you like football, you've gotta see this........ if you don't like
football, you've still gotta see this!!!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

GOOGLE.......

 Click here

Oh yeeessss!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Hail

 Click here

Look out when this starts falling!

from Oklahoma, not sure when!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Redneck Crossing

 Click here

Someone has saved up five years worth of red-neck forwards and put them all
in one.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Captain Planet

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Too cold to pee

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

RIO 2016

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

This is so fantastic and so exciting!!!

Imagination, Daring and Engineering!

" Solar City Tower ", built atop the island of Cotonduba will be the
welcome symbol to the 2016 Olympic
Games in Rio de Janeiro .

It will be seen by the game visitors and participants as they arrive by air
or water.
The tower, captures solar energy. It will supply energy for all of the
Olympic city, as well as also for part of Rio .

It pumps up water from the ocean to create what appears like a water fall
and this fall stimulates turbines that produce energy during the night. It
will also hold the Olympic flame.

The Tower possesses an amphitheatre, an auditorium, a cafeteria and
boutiques. Elevators lead to various observatories. It also has a
retractable plat-form for the practice of bungee jumping.
At the summit is an observation point to appreciate the scenery of the land
and ocean, as well as the water fall. Solar City Tower will be the point of
reference for the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro .

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Who said romance is dead?

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Tornado

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Menagerie of Photos

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Cool Mailboxes

I hope that backpack is a parachute

"Ahhh, it's so warm and cuddly on here"

Sorry bro, but thanks for being my chair

Looks like he wanted to be alone and chances are he will be

Bye Bye Freeway Mother Nature had another idea

Help! Call 911

It's good to have a friend when you need one!

I guess cats can read after all

This is not as comfy as I thought it would be

Static cat!

Is the sign really necessary?

Don't try this at home

The water is so clear the boat seems to be floating on air

I'm sorry I didn't know you were coming back

OK, let's change places at the next corner

Fluffy in flight

Let me know when all the dogs are in so I can move

You may not be happy with dinner but you are going to eat it anyway!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

BLUE BIRD OF HAPPINESS

 Click here

BLUE BIRD OF HAPPINESS, MY ASS!

It's friggin' freezing. There's snow up my *ss, all the food's covered with
it.

3 feet of this white sh*t and you want ME to sing?

Like maybe Anne Murray's "Snowbird"? P*ss Off!!

Next year, I'm going to fly to Jamaica!!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

What dogs see

 Click here

Sweeper terrifies our cats!!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Something to look at and be glad of... in February!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

The Netherlands in May

At first glance, it looks like a giant child armed with a box of crayons
has been set loose

Upon the landscape. Vivid stripes of purple, yellow, red, pink, orange and
green make up

A glorious patchwork. Yet far from being a child’s sketchbook, this is,
in fact, the northern Netherlands in the middle of tulip season. The Dutch
landscape in May is a kaleidoscope

Of color as the tulips burst into life. The bulbs are planted in late
October and early November. More than three billion tulips are grown each
year and two-thirds of the vibrant blooms are exported, mostly to the U.
S. And  Germany .

Their dazzling colors are thanks to the years in the 17th century when
tulip mania swept the

Globe and the most eye-catching specimens changed hands for a small
fortune. But like a

Rainbow, this colorful landscape is a short-lived phenomenon. When the
flowers are gone,

The land will be cultivated for a rather more mundane crop of vegetables.
The Netherlands

Produce more than nine million bulbs a year

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Wal-Mart Dress Code Challenged

 Click here

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THESE....

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Egyptian Protester Wear

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Your classic 1979 tribottle and rag helmet

A late 80's 'boxhat'. The bloke next to him appears to be very jealous

A renaissance period piece of brick wear teamed with a black and cream
scarf.

Old school 80's broken bin helmet. Is that a sandwich or a rock?

Textbook saucepan and high viz combo.

Uhhh... answers on a postcard, please

But the winner by 100 miles must be the man with 2 baguettes and a ham
salad roll, shrink-wrapped to his head.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Beds

 Click here

Have you seen the latest lesbian beds from Ikea? No screwing or bolts
needed - totally tongue and groove !!!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How pilots SHOULD talk!

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

His and Hers Diaries

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a
bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so
we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was
wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not
to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I
love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and
absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,
and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what
to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is
a disaster.

HIS DIARY

My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, can't figure out why, but at least I
got laid.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Hotel bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant
70th birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive
hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for
£250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice
hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight
stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on
speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "The
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are
available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel
shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from
Edinburgh, Glasgow , and Aberdeen performing here," the
Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't
use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to
pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this
cheque is for only £50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Wedding Ring

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

V is for Valentine's and Viagra, data show

 Click here Click here Click here

Valentine’s Day is notorious for spiking sales of chocolates, roses and
Hallmark cards, but new research shows that demand also rises for a
surprising lovers’ secret: erectile dysfunction drugs.

In 2010, the week before Valentine’s Day saw more prescriptions written for
erection-enhancing
Viagra than any other week of the year, according to figures compiled by
the firm Wolters Kluwer
Pharma Solutions.

Some 199,450 prescriptions were logged totaling 1.34 million of the famous
little blue pills the week of Feb. 5, 2010. That’s nearly 26 percent more
Viagra than the lowest-use week of the year, Nov.
26, 2010 — Thanksgiving week, when extended families typically gather.

I hope you got lucky.

As usual, I over wound my self-winding wrist watch.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The state of the nation - its a scandal! XXX

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF OUR WORTHLESS GOVERNMENT AND THE LACK OF INTEREST IN
PUBLIC
WORKS. ARE THERE NO GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES THAT WILL SPEAK UP OR DO
SOMETHING?
THIS IS A REAL SHAME.

THEY TAX OUR INCOME, THEY TAX OUR PURCHASES, THEY TAX OUR LIQUOR AND THEY
EVEN TAX
OUR GROCERIES. WHERE DOES ALL OUR TAX MONEY GO?

JUST LOOK AT THE PICS. THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

Did you see the condition of that bridge? It's a piece of sh*t... It needs
immediate and urgent maintenance!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I LOVE BOTH STICKERS

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Entrepreneur Dies at age 25

 Click here

Subject: Entrepreneur Dies at age 25

Tragedy strikes again.

Another heartbreak for New Orleans!
It seems like every couple of days New Orleans loses one
Of its treasured entrepreneurs. These people are the hope for the city and
we must call THEM
Entrepreneur?????

It took me a couple of minutes to get it, but imagine,
He's 25 and has 3 sons and 6 daughters
NINE welfare recipients collecting $1500 each.....
That equals $13,500 a month !!!

Now add food stamps, Free medical, free school lunches, on and on and on.
Now that, to me, is a real Entrepreneur.
Now they will collect social security until they are 18!!!!!!!
Do the math, that's over $156,000.00 a year.
Anybody out there sitting' on their behinds while reading this message
making that kind of money?

And people wonder what is wrong with this country.

The Republican Party adheres to the old saying:
"if you can't feed em don't breed em."

The Democrat Party says that this is not enough for the poor family.
Spread the wealth. Raise taxes because most of us don't pay any.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Why men don't belong in the kitchen

 Click here Click here Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Now This is a Car Show...

 Click here

Now, This is a Car Show!...

Make sure you go all the way through to see the 2015 Corvette.

I'm sure you will enjoy looking at these

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Tattoo of the Year

 Click here

My son said "Dad, I would like to have a tattoo."

I told him "No! Nobody in our family has ever had one ... and you are not
having one."

He asked me "Why not? All my friends have tattoos!"

I told him that it would be a stain on his body - Forever!

He pleaded with me "Dad, please, please, just a Cartoon Character on the
belly?"

And after many hours of discussion I gave in and decided to let him. After
all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice .

And I thought ... a Cartoon Character is probably not so bad !

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

OMG

 Click here

Now I have seen it all. Really.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Juke Box - this is cool

This is really neat...... great songs - enjoy!

It's a Juke Box!
Click on a year & a new Juke Box window opens with a choice of 20 songs
from the selected year!

Music Time Machine

1940 Click here
1950 Click here
1960 Click here
1970 Click here
1980 Click here
1990 Click here
1941 Click here
1951 Click here
1961 Click here
1971 Click here
1981 Click here
1991 Click here
1942 Click here
1952 Click here
1962 Click here
1972 Click here
1982 Click here
1992 Click here
1943 Click here
1953 Click here
1963 Click here
1973 Click here
1983 Click here
1993 Click here
1944 Click here
1954 Click here
1964 Click here
1974 Click here
1984 Click here
1994 Click here
1945 Click here
1955 Click here
1965 Click here
1975 Click here
1985 Click here
1995 Click here
1946 Click here
1956 Click here
1966 Click here
1976 Click here
1986 Click here
1996 Click here
1947 Click here
1957 Click here
1967 Click here
1977 Click here
1987 Click here
1997 Click here
1948 Click here
1958 Click here
1968 Click here
1978 Click here
1988 Click here
1998 Click here
1949 Click here
1959 Click here
1969 Click here
1979 Click here
1989 Click here
1999 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Beatle's Song for "our" time

 Click here

For all the oldies - I can relate!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

FINALLY AN ANSWER

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Until next time.......keep on smiling.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (February 11, 2011)  Index Next (February 25, 2011)