Friday humour - February 11, 2011

Speeding enforcement
 Click here

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STRESS
Levels of stress:
You pick up a hitchhiker,  a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside
your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you
are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is
getting very stressful,
So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and
probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!

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From: Burnout

I took my wife to an opticians this morning.
Even they couldn't see why I married her.

I woke up this morning at eight and, I just knew something was wrong.  Got
downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing,
I panicked, didn't know what to do.... ....then I remembered McDonalds
serve breakfast until 10:30.

Was asked to go and see my ex-girlfriend today.One thing led to another and
we ended up having s*x.
Police weren't too pleased.
I was only meant to be identifying the body.

I went to see a psychic last weekend and she told me that I'd be coming
into money.
Last night I shagged a girl called Penny!
Spooky or what?.

I must have really p*ssed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on
her when we were having s*x.
She's been lying there for five days now, giving me the silent treatment.

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From: Cartographer Chris
What Julia really needs !!
Need sound
For those who don't fancy the prospect of hearing her drone on and on and
on and on every night on the ABC for the next 3 years.
Just hold the cursor down on the hand and push towards 'her'
 Click here

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From: Diks
New Federal Golf Rules for 2011

President BHO has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in
the game of golf will become effective in January 2011.

This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2000 pages) is
being rewritten as we speak.

Here are a few of the changes.. Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
- above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.

The term "gimme" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as
follows:
-handicaps  below 10, no entitlements.
-handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
-handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick
it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most
importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a Player will be limited to
a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess
must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or
par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player
actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars
and birdies again The current USGA handicap system will be used for the
above purposes, but the term 'net score' will be available only for
scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.

This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning by making sure
that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only
'net score' against every other player's gross score. These new Rules are
intended to CHANGE the game of golf.

Golf must be about  Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability,
hard work, practice, and responsibility.This is the "Right thing to do".

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From: Diks
OK motorheads what engine is it?
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
What sheep herders do when they're bored....

This is absolutely brilliant!
www.wimp.com/sheeplight/

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From: Duke of Barsinov
have a laugh
Need a smile? Try these. Good for children too!
 Click here

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The Prime Ministers' Song
Excellent, if you missed it - shades of Mavis Brampton c.1964.
 Click here

2010 CCTV Spring Festival Gala Magic Show
Incredible! No sound needed as it is in Chinese ......
Watch this YouTube below; you'll find it fascinating. Don't worry about the
language, just watch the vision. (.and a Chinglish vision it is :-))
 Click here

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From: Liz
Sidewalk Art -  Chalk Artist Goes 3-D
 Click here

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 From: Liz
Art in the Eye of a Needle Amazing Amazing Needle Eye Art

This man has an amazing talent.
 Click here

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From: Muse
The Force (commercial)
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
The Egyptian government have come up with a plan to stop the riots in
Cairo.
They've told their people to get in their cars, honk the horn and chill
out.
They're calling it "Toot-n-calm-doon".

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From: Nottingham Smithie
The Three Bears
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
Allegedly!

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?'
he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?'
he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy
Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear
who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and
croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
tray,
gave them their food, and refilled their water.. 'And now that you've
decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with
your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this
once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Safe in their hands...we are all doomed.
Do they not teach geography there?
 Click here

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From: Sack
Is S*x Work ?

A Canadian Army N.C.O. Was about to start the morning briefing to all of
his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the N.C.O.
Decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and
therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much concerning the act of s*x was
'work',
and how much of it was pure 'pleasure'?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'.
A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.
  A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure',
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the N.C..O. Turned to the Newfie Private who was
in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion ?
Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure, Sir."
The N.C.O.. Was a little surprised and, as you might guess, said "And why
is that soldier" ?
"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them, Sir".

The room fell silent.
God Bless the Newfie.

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From: Sack
What's up Dave

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave" asked the Landlord.
"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"
"It's my four year old son." the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? - my lad's just the
same - forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the landlord,
sympathetically.

" I only wish it was that" continued the customer, " but it's far worse
than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door
neighbour pregnant."

"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord
"It's not"  said the man.
"the little pr*ck stuck a pin in all my condoms"

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From: Seasoldier
Irish humour

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department
for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his
employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him 240 a week, and he
has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper.  She gets 190 a week, along with free board
and lodging.
There's also the half-wit.  He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work,
earns about 25 a week,
along with a bottle of whiskey, and occasionally gets to sleep with my
wife."
"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, "the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

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BREAKING NEWS: Frank Carson, the comedian, passed away last night in
Belfast
City Hospital. Earlier in the evening he was enjoying dinner with family
and friends and was eating his favourite cheese and biscuits when he fell
to the floor clutching his throat. He was rushed to hospital. The last
words Frank said were, "It's a cracker!"

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From: Stumpy Steve

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad cancel my
allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take
my
TV, stereo, iPhone and jewellery to the charity shop.  Sell my car, take my
front door key and throw me out of the house".
Well, she didn't exactly put it like that.
Actually she said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

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The Great Gussius
Bestsellers
Best seller book titles

"Work faster" by Sheik Aleg

"Winning" by Vic Trees

"Wagging school" by Marcus Absent

"Long Walk Home" by Miss D Bus

"Desert Travels" by Rhoda Camel

"Escape from Russia" by Ima Nickenov

"How to rob a bank" by Andy Tover

"The basics of Chaos Theory" by Ken Fusion

"Traditional Japanese fashion" by Kim Ono

"Living and working in Canberra" by Helen Earth

"Charity begins at home" by Ben Evolent

"Women and Logic" by Xavier Breath

"S&M techniques for happy couples" by Tania Hyde

"Paris Overpopulated" by Frances Crowded

"New Fabrics for the 20th Century by Polly Ester

"The Minimum Wage" by Hiram Cheep

"Top Hymns for Sunday School" by Ally Louyah

"Cognitive Brain Function" by Sarah Bellum

"The Complete History of Topless Bikinis" by Seymour Titt

"Beers of the World" by Bart Enders

"Probate for Idiots" by Benny Fishery

"Brew your Own" by Ginger Aile

"Pizza Making" by Pepe Roney

"The Complete Italian Cookbook" by Les Arnia

"The Cat's Revenge" by Claude Balls

"The Cliff" by Eilene Dover

"Emergency Management" by Sue Prise and Oliver Sodden

"Banjo Chords" by Mandy Lynne

"Heartbeat" by Stephie Scope

"Bullfighting" by Matt Adore

"Futures Trading" by Claire Voyent

"Carpets and Rugs" by Walter Wall

"A career in Undertaking" by Doug Graves

"Bench press workout" by Jim Nazium

"Financial Management" by Owen Heaps

"Don't fence me in" by Barb Dwyer

"How to Work a Room" by Greg Arius

"Totalitarianism" by D*ck Tater

"Gemstones" by Chris Tell

"Be Free from Pain" by Ann L Geesick

"Beating Addiction by Anita Fix

"The baby's revenge" by Nora Teetov


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From: The Great Gussius
Way down south in Alabama, a lonely old widow woman decided to invite some
guests from the local military base to a special Thanksgiving dinner.

She rang and asked to speak with the officer in charge. She explained her
everlasting support for our good ole boys who fight so galantly for God
and our country and simply wanted to do her bit and give something back in
return for their bravery.

"Could yo' all send 4 strapping young men over, General, say 'bout 7 o
clock and make sure they bring their appetites with them? Oh but please
General sahh, don't go sending any Jews yo hear, no
Jews please!"

"No problem ma'am. I hope yo' all know that we really appreciate your kind
offer. Our boys have bin away from home cooking fo' quite awhile. They'll
be there at 7 o'clock on the dot."

The widow opened the door only to be shocked to see 4 of the blackest boys
you could imagine in the deep south.

"There surely must be some mistake" she stammered in her confusion and
alarm. The corporal said
"Oh no ma'am, General Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

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From: The Great Gussius
Newspaper items - re-edited.
Minor changes have been made to the original text to get around copyright
and reveal what our intrepid journalist was really trying to say....

Beliefs on climate like religion, court rules

A United Kingdom court has ruled that a man can take his employer to court
on the grounds that he was discriminated against because of his views on
climate change. That is to say his views change.
Like the wind.

Tim Nicholson was made redundant last year as head of sustainability for a
property company
Grainger Plc, the UK's biggest residential landlord.

Mr Nicholson successfully argued that his moral values about the
environment should be recognised under the same laws that protect
religious beliefs.

In the landmark ruling, Justice Michael Burton said that a belief in
man-made climate change is capable, if genuinely held, of being a
philosophical belief for the purpose of the religion and belief
regulations.

The decision could open the door for employees to sue their companies for
failing to account for their green lifestyles such as providing recycling
facilities or offering low carbon travel.

"What the judge has said today is that a philosophical belief in climate
change is capable of being afforded that same protection, which is
approximately bugger all" Mr
Nicholson said. "Just ask Joan of Arc and other saints who were crucified
or burnt at the stake for their beliefs"

"Now my belief is underpinned by moral and ethical values which are
comparable to those promoted by many of the religions around the world."

Mr Nicholson does strongly believe that temperatures are rising and the
environment is suffering for it. "I wake at night in a cold sweat, so that
proves it"

"I believe passionately in the need to protect the environment, so I wear a
condom when riding my push bike."

But it is those beliefs that Mr Nicholson says lost him his job. He told
the
Employment Appeal
Tribunal in London that he had tried to set up a carbon management system
for the company but that he could not work out its carbon footprint
because staff had refused to give him the necessary data. At least he now
has the company's boot imprint.

His burning at the stake is estimated to have added 2.3kg of carbon to the
atmosphere.

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Study finds urban rainwater safe

A study of 300 Adelaide and Mount Barker households has found residents can
safely consume small volumes of rainwater. Oh Duh.
Half the participating households were given filters for their rainwater
systems, but the others had
'fake' filters.
Head of the Infectious Diseases Unit at Monash University, Karin Leder,
says the same rates of gastroenteritis were reported for both study
groups.
She says it has proven the safety of rainwater for household purposes. This
backs up around 200 years of experience from millions of people in outback
Australia who have survived exclusively on rainwater tanks for generation
after generation.
"The main outcome of this is we can safely say that rainwater can be used
for other household purposes like in the bathroom, which most health
departments don't actively encourage if there is a tap water supply," she
said.

Compared to main supplied tap water, rainwater has no ill effects, contains
no added chlorine or other added chemicals, tastes better, holds similar
contaminants from the air, costs less and has comparable bird and animal
droppings. Water in reservoirs has more heavy pollutants from large animal
carcasses, dumped waste, fertiliser runoff, absorbed salt, animal faeces
and other litter, but otherwise is identical. It all comes from the sky,
scientists believe.

"Whether or not it should be used for drinking is perhaps not so important
in terms of water's conservation because the amount of water that's used
in the kitchen is relatively small.

"We would conclude that the potential for an adverse and/or accidental
ingestion of small amounts of rainwater in the non-drinking uses of
rainwater in the house can be encouraged, but we wouldn't go so far as to
say that health departments should change their recommendations with
regards to rainwater for drinking when there is an alternative tap water
supply."

There's no point talking to government departments, they don't listen to
common sense.

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Court bans crucifixes in Italian schools

The European Court of Human Rights has ruled that crucifixes should be
removed from Italian classrooms, prompting Vatican anger and sparking
uproar in Italy, where such icons are embedded in the national psyche.

"The ruling of the European court was received in the Vatican with shock
and sadness," said Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi, adding that
it was "wrong and myopic" to try to exclude a symbol of death, cruelty and
mass murder from education.

The ruling by the court in Strasbourg, which Italy said it would appeal,
said crucifixes on school walls - a common sight that is part of every
Italian's life - could disturb children who were not
Christians. It also disturbs many of us who are of the faith.

Italy has been in the throes of national mass debate on how to deal with a
growing population of immigrants, mostly Muslims, and the court sentence
is likely to become another battle cry for the centre-right government's
policy to restrict newcomers.

"This is an abhorrent ruling," said Rocco Buttiglione, a former culture
minister who helped write papal encyclicals.

"It must be rejected with firmness. Italy has its culture, its traditions
and its history. Those who come among us must understand and accept this
culture and this history or we will make them an offer they cannot refuse.
Eh!"

The Vatican spokesman said it was sad the crucifix could be considered a
symbol of division and said religion offered a vital contribution to the
moral formation of people.
Even so, it fails to do that in over 80% of cases.

Members of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's government bristled, weighing
in with words such as
"shameful", "offensive", "absurd," "unacceptable," and "pagan". After a
while, they settled down to work out how they could make a few euro out of
the proposal.

Foreign Minister Franco Frattini said the court had dealt a "mortal blow to
a Europe of values and rights," adding that it was a bad precedent for
other countries and the original crucifix was a bad thing for Christ
himself.

Condemnation crossed party lines. A heathen in the opposition Democratic
Party, the successor of what was once the West's largest communist party,
said: "In Italy, the crucifix is a specific sign of our tradition. Its
almost as recognisable as Macca's golden arches"

The case was brought by an Italian national, Soile Lautsi, who complained
that her children had to attend a public school in northern Italy which
had crucifixes in every room.

Education Minister Mariastella Gelmini said crucifixes on the walls of tens
of thousands of classrooms
"do not mean adherence to Catholicism" but are a symbol of Italy's
heritage.

"The history of Italy is marked by symbols and if we erase symbols we erase
part of ourselves," Ms
Gelmini said. In a case of mistaken identity, a mobster later rubbed her
out.

Ms Lautsi, the woman who filed the suit, said crucifixes on walls ran
counter to her right to give her children a secular education and the
Strasbourg-based court ruled in her favour.

"The presence of the crucifix ... could be encouraging for religious
pupils,
but also disturbing for pupils who practised other religions or were
atheists, particularly if they belonged to religious minorities," the
court said in a written ruling.

"The State (must) refrain from imposing beliefs in premises where
individuals were dependent on it," it added, saying the aim of public
education was "to foster critical thinking". "And if that failed, to burn
practitioners at the stake for thinking critically about religious icons."

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From: The Great Gussius
NSW in strife with the Feds
A federal ACCC investigation is underway into an allegation of false and
misleading information about the state of New South Wales, Australia.

If proven, the NSW State Government would have 60 days to comply with the
federal Trade
Practices Act and Consumer protection legislation or face prosecution for
unconscionable conduct and face potential damages for misrepresentation.

When first discovered over 200 years ago, so history tells us, that part of
the Australian landscape resembled the southern part of Wales in the United
Kingdom. Hence the original name given to this state.

Firstly, investigators compared the weather. NSW experiences nothing like
the weather recorded in the south of Wales between 1788 until 2008. Since
global warming is an effect and not an excuse,
the name of this eastern Australian state must be altered to comply with
the legislation.

Other discrepancies and irregularities uncovered by the investigators
include:
. Significantly lower average IQ's in the Australian cohort which may
explain why people pay exorbitant prices for homes with a waterfront view
in Sydney, the State's capital city. These homes in fact overlook an open
sewer known as Sydney Harbour.
. Average skull sizes in NSW compare unfavourably with a population sample
from Wales,
indicating around 22% larger brain capacity in the old country.
. Politics in Wales is taken seriously, in NSW it's a joke. The philosophy
that a joke is a joke;
and a poke is a poke; and no poke is no joke should be removed from charter
of the Planning
Department at Wollongong council.
. Welsh accents are as thick as pig sh*t. NSW residents are just thick but
they do have a charming Australian accent.
. NSW is frightened by sharks and big hairy spiders that can chew through a
man's leg and carry off babies in the night. The only dangerous critter in
Wales is a relatively harmless Prince.
. Wales has an obvious problem with the spelling of placenames. New South
Welshmen on the other hand have a problem spelling most things because of a
pathetic education system.
. Only two good things have ever come out of Sydney - the Hume and the
Princes highways,
and they both head to Melbourne.

A National competition will canvas opinions for a name change. The prize
will be 3 nights under that same canvas at a remote sheep station located
around 3000kms from the
Black Stump in the middle of outback no-where. The major prize winner will
be announced on
Australia Day.

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From: The Great Gussius
one for the St Kilda football club
What's the difference between a football groupie and a brick?
You can lay a brick and it won't follow you and your team mates around for
months whinging.

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From: The Great Gussius
Looking on the Bright side:

Its a dog eat dog world. So whatever didn't eat you today could be saving
you up for tomorrow.

Things go from bad to worse, then the cycle repeats itself.

When its just you against the world, put your money on the world.

All I ask is give me the chance to prove money cannot buy happiness.

Eat rich. The poor are tough and tasteless

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some
of the time; and it really p*sses them off.

Everyone is a winner, unless there is competition.

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From: The Great Gussius

Time for a drink
A bloke walks into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks.
"On second thoughts, make it a double" he says
"Sounds like you're a bit down" said the barman
"That is an understatement," he sighed "I just found out that my brother is
gay." He proceeded to drown his sorrows.
The next night, same guy, same bar, same barman, but this time he sat down
with his head in his hands and ordered a quadruple scotch.
"Sounds like things aren't getting any better" said the barman
sympathetically.
"It can't get any worse" said the bloke "Now my son has come out of the
closet, give me another whiskey and keep them coming"
The very next night, he returns to the bar and orders more hard liquor.
"This time, leave bottle" he sobbed
"Hell," says the bar tender doesn't anyone in your family go for a bit of
pussy?"
"My wife does" said the bloke.

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From: Whizzbang

QLD Gold Coast Police Chase on Vimeo
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang

Bloke in a night club sees a huge fat girl at the bar, he walks up to her
and asks;
"Have you got a pen?"
She looks up, smiles and says;
"Yes I do"
"Well" he says;
"You'd better f*ck off back to it then, before the farmer finds you're
missing".

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From: Biggus
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Burnout
Two fall out during roller coaster ride
 Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris
"Banner out the front of a Pub in Darwin."
 Click here
Apart from the spelling. A great idea!
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Fatalities
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Airplane pictures
 Click here
There are some new ones in there and they are always good to look at.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
 frog dance
 Click here

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From: Sack
Stick Figure at the Football game
 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve
Motivational Posters...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Short course for converting feminist women
 Click here
Enrol now!

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From: The Great Gussius
MUSLIM STRIP CLUB ~ VERY RARE FOOTAGE!
 Click here
Nice tits and a great bang.

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From: Whizzbang
 VW Assembly in Germany
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
The Real Boogie Man
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Safety first
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Why an ipad can't replace a newspaper
 Click here

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From: seagull
Departmental efficiency
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Three racehorses were in the stable waiting for the big race. Trying to
psych each other out, they began bragging.

First horse, 'I've been in 38 races and have only lost twice.'
Second horse, 'Well, I've been in 47 races and have never lost.'
Third horse, 'Huh, I've never lost either and I even beat Secretariat
twice.'
Just then, they heard a chuckle by the stable door, and there was a
greyhound dog walking up to them.
The greyhound said, 'That's nothing. I've been in over 200 races and have
won every one by at least 3 lengths.'

First horse, 'Wow! That's amazing - a talking dog!'

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Sentiment!

A man finally makes his fortune and is having his dream house built. As he
talks to the architect on how he wants the house built he says, 'See that
tree there, don't cut it down because under that tree I made love for the
first time.'

The architect says he understands the sentimental value of the tree and he
will design the house so that the tree isn't harmed.

Then the man says, 'And you see that tree over there, I don't want it cut
either, because her mother stood there and watched as we made love.'

The architect could hardly believe his ears, 'That's incredible, what did
her mother say?'

To which the man replies,'Baaaaaa.''

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[ End friday humour ]

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