Friday humour - February 04, 2011

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze,

This weeks contributions are from Allnutts, Anonymous, Burnout, Deano,
Liz, Mausie Down Under, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Stumpy Steve, 
The Great Gussius, Cartographer Chris, Kaos_reflex, Mausie Down Under, 
Muse, Stumpy Steve ... & 
Cyclone  "Yasi"

Check out this link,

if it doesn't work, highlight it and paste into your web browser.

 Click here

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An awesome Chicago basement!!
If you're a Chicagoan and you've been to the  Museum of Science and
Industry, this might look familiar.

I can't believe this guy can just go down in his basement and visit
whenever he wants.
Talk about a "blast from the past ..."

 Click here

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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with
the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of
rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began
to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and
he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving
his life.

The moral of the story?

(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

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This is educational and hilarious .........

Confucius say.................
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient...........
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly..............
Better to be p*ssed off than p*ssed on...............
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in
hand..............
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak...................
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip, girl who sits on Judge's lap gets
honourable discharge...................
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent...............
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on 
pants........................
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts........................
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion..............................
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck...................
Man who runs in front of car get tired, man who runs behind car get 
exhausted.........................
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to
Bangkok.........................
Man with one chopstick go hungry...............
Man who scratch bum should not bite fingernails................
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money..........................
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk........................
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on
earth..................................
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is
left........................
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat
house..................
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night............
It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill
it...................
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there...........................
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.........................
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
basement.............................
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs...............
Man who fart in church sit in own pew........................
Crowded elevator smell different to midgets.
finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A Lion will not Cheat on his wife....
but a Tiger Wood !"
   ------

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Dear ...

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns.

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely, 1985

Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in
the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream...
What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and
totally save China for my man.
All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear S*x Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary
Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast

Dear Edward,
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.
Sincerely, a stake

Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty


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Shockers!

I'm going to KFC for the Julia Gillard Meal deal tonight:
2 huge breasts, 2 large thighs, and a big red box.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen at Goodna.
All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up, some of us have a home to go
to".

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104 YEAR OLD FILM CLIP

4 days before the great California earth quake of 1906

"you are there" for a cable car ride in San Francisco"

*This  film was "lost" for many years.  It was the first 35mm  film ever. 
It was taken by camera mounted on the front  of a cable car.*
*The number of automobiles is staggering for 1906. Absolutely  amazing!
The clock tower at the end of Market Street at the  Embarcadero wharf is
still there.   ... How many "street cleaning" people were employed to
   pick up after the horses? Talk about going  green!*

** *Great  historical film! *
**
*This  film, originally thought to be from 1905 until David
Kiehn with the Niles Essanay Silent Film Museum figured out exactly when it
was shot. From New York trade papers announcing the film showing to the wet
streets from recent heavy rainfall&  shadows indicating time of year& 
actual weather and conditions on historical record, even when the cars
were registered (he even knows who owned them and when the plates were
issued!).. It was filmed only four days before the Great California
Earthquake of April 18th 1906 and shipped by train to NY for processing.
   Amazing, but true!*

 Click here


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Jehovah's Witness

There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said: "I'm a
Jehovah's Witness".
I said "Come in and sit down. Now what do you want to talk about"?
He said, " buggered if I know I've never got this far before"


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Hello fellow time traveller

    Once again I have to forward this theory to all concerned. Science has
an explanation for all things in life and it is not that easy to
understand


   It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why
people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the
early hours of the morning.  The reason for this odd behaviour is based on
Einstein's famous relativity Theory.

   It works like this: It is a well known fact that the more you drink, the
faster you move.  After 8 beers (or 4 double brandies&  coke, etc.) you're
moving at close to speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the
picture...

   According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the
speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub
passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.  Complicated
calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for
every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass
outside the pub.

   A typical situation is:  "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise
the family and get home early!!"  However, the moment this person steps
outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation
from the environment, and he/she then goes: " WTF??!!!?? - why is it so
quiet??  Holy Cow!!!  It's half past one in the morning! WHAT
HAPPENED??!!??" ... and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

   I've tried to explain this to outside observers (and especially my
wife), but so far nobody (except fellow time travellers) has been able or
willing to understand the sound scientific basis of this phenomenon.

   Please forward this to all your known time travellers - maybe we can
prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.

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The origin of the Irish dance
Makes total sense to me.

 Click here

Probably from all the Guinness we drink !!


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A teacher's worth

What Do Teachers Make?

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.  One man,
a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a
kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in  life was to
become a teacher?"

To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be
honest. What do you make?"

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want
to know what I make? (She paused for a second, then began...)

"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor winner.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their                
 parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie
rental.

You want to know what I make? (She paused again and looked at each and
every person at the table)

I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
I teach them to write and then I make them write.... Keyboarding isn't
everything.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math. They use their God given brain,
not the man-made calculator.

I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know
about English while preserving their unique cultural identity.

I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the 
Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under
God, because we live in the United States of America.

Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given,
work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.  Bonnie
paused one last time and then continued.)

Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money
isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because
they are ignorant.

You want to know what I make? I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make Mr.
CEO?

His jaw dropped, he went silent.

What a profound answer!!!


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A
n Iroquois legend proves to be true.
A VERY unusual herd of deer...whitetails...yes, but more
Wait until you see these unusual deer!

Wisconsin near border with Michigan's U. P.
Turn up the sound.

 Click here

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HAHAHAHAHA!!
A Chinese woman went for an interview

Interviewer: Give me a sentence using the following words.... Green,
Pink,Yellow, Blue, White, Black and Purple.

Chinese woman: The phone Green, I Pink it up, and I say Yellow, Blue's
that? White? Sorry wrong number, don't call us Black coz you're disturbing
the Purple working here...

                     The interviewer fainted.


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How to say I love you in 10 languages

English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Sh*te Imasu
Italian: Ti Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian: As Tave Meliu
Australia: Nice Tits, get in the Ute

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One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What
setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool.'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today.' Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, 'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A  rumour
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been so good each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and patience
for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
death.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this toat  leastfive bright, funny women you know and make their day!

And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humour to take
it!
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S*x and Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to
the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him and, with a grip on his shoulder,
warned,
"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say
'1-2-3'."
When you  do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your
life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he
responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full
moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in
the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately he
was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she 
asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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Irish Burial at Sea
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring
gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded
onto their row boat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer
enuff out, Paddy?‚EUR^(TM) Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only
to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick.
Let's row some more.' After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side
again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick
asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No,
dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row
and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit
of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when
suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel.'

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Should Atheletes really be allowed to speak?

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all
dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
copulate me."

  2.  New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season:  "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

   3. Upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Redskins say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
I'd run over Joe's Mom too."

   4.  Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins:  "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

   5.  Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:  "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."


  6.  Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."  (Now that is
beautiful).

   7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height."  And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and
then line up in a circle."

  8.  Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would
anyone expect him to come out smarter?  He went to prison for three years,
not Princeton."

  9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

  10.  Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:
  "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what
time it is."

   11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:  "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt."
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January).

  12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:  "I asked him,
'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I
don't know and I don't care.'"

  13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like
you're spending too much time on one subject."


  14.  In the words of NC State great Charles Shackleford:  "I can go to my
left or right, I am amphibious."

  15.  Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded:  "Because
she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

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The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should
make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves 24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!

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AMAZING WORD TRICKS
Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race
car"?

Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter
and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "immigrants" and
add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you f*cking
free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English
speaking ar*eholes, and take those other f*cking hairy-faced,
sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-f*cking, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?


             Is that strange or what???

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The Maid and The gay cowboy
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Sat*rday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."

(I didn't see it coming, either)

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TESCO EMPLOYEE

A man in a London Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young
produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The
man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his
manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out
there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the
other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Manchester, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Manchester?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Manchester.'


'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'

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I went out with some friends last night to celebrate - and got really
plastered!

Knowing that I was well drunk, I did something that I have never done
before.   I took the bus home.

I arrived safe and warm, which seemed really surprising , as I have never
driven one before.

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Lovemaking
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman were chatting after work over a few
drinks. Before too long,
naturally, the topic switched to lovemaking.

"Whena I feeenisha make-a love with my-a wife" said the Italian, I stroke
her-a buttocks anna she-a floata seex inches above da bed inna total
ecstasy"

The Frenchman chips in and adds "Zat's nooseng. When I av-a feeneeshed to
make lurve to my beautiful wife, I leek the solez of her feets an shee
floats 12 eenches above ze bed and is delerious wiz pleasure"

The Irishman says "When I've finished bonking da missus, I git outta bed
and wipe me d*ck on the curtains and she hits the fooken roof!"

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Paddy strikes again
The priest spots Paddy trying to sneak out of the Church and walks over to
have a word.
"I didn't see you here last week Patrick, I hear that you went off to the
football instead!"
"Dat's not true father. Not true as sure as I be standing here and I have
the fish to prove it"

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In a remote country hospital, early one morning a newborn baby was
abandoned on the doorstep.

The only nurse on duty didn't know what to do with the unidentified infant,
so she asked the only doctor in town what to do about the foundling child.
The doctor who was on his way to operate on a priest for his prostate and
in a hurry.

"I don't have time for this" said the surgeon, but after a moment said to
the nurse " I'll tell the priest there was a miracle, that he gave birth
and he can take the baby"

On recovery from the operation the doctor told him things went well, but
something amazing had
happened. "It's truly a miracle, during the operation, from nowhere you
gave birth to a baby --
here's your miracle baby - a 7lbs 3 oz bouncing baby boy."

15 years later, the priest decided to sit the boy down and explain the
truth.

"My son" he said "I am not your real father"

"But father, what do you mean that you are not my father?"

"I'm your mother, the bishop is your real father."


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A bloke went to his doctor to get the results of his tests.

"It seems you have been really overdoing it these last few years" said the
doc. "It's your penis -- it's almost completely worn out. I estimate that
you can only have s*x another 30 times, and that will be it."

He walked home in a daze. His wife met him at the door, the fifteen kids
were upstairs. She could see he was deeply depressed.

"Oh my God!" she said when he told her the news. "We should not waste this
-- we need to make a list"

"I already have" he said "and you are not on it."


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one liners

In ancient times, sacrifices were made at the altar and that tradition, now
called marriage continues to this day.

If you want to clearly understand why they are called the opposite s*x,
express your opinion.

Ladies, to find a bloke who is committed, go to a lunatic asylum.

It now costs more to educate a child than it did to raise the parents.

I once had it all -- money, a beautiful home, a nice car and the love of a
beautiful woman, then poof! it was all gone. My wife found out.


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God knows

An old rabbi passed away and soon found himself in front of God.

After chatting for a while, God offered the rabbi something to eat -- a
peanut butter sandwich. They chattered as they ate and the rabbi asked God
about life in hell.

God told him to see for himself, so the rabbi peeked through the fluffy
clouds and of course it was dinner time in Hades.

Millions an millions of lost souls were in a huge dining hall eating a
roast dinner, wine was flowing,
pudding and custard was waiting next to cheese platters on side tables.

Naturally, the rabbi wanted to know why those sinners in hell were eating a
banquet while all he had to eat in heaven was a sandwich.

God shrugged and said "I couldn't be bothered cooking for just two"


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Oklahoma Style Gun range . . .

This may be why no one has or wants to invade the USA.


Oklahoma style gun range . . .

 Click here
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The preacher and the broken zipper
Turn your speakers up.........sit back and enjoy... you will laugh I
guarantee..

The Broken Zipper

 Click here

Take the time to listen to this preacher.

This guy missed his calling.  Instead of being

A preacher, he should have been a comedian.


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Too funny
Bike Humour

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to
jump off a bridge so he stops.


"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.


While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"
So, she does.


After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"


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In the NZ Herald this week
 Click here

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something to think about

 Click here

   PERCEPTION
     ..something  to think about...

Washington,  DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in  2007. The man
with a violin played six Bach  pieces for about 45 minutes. During that
time  approx. 2 thousand people went through the  station, most of them on
their way to work.  After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there  was a
musician playing. He slowed his pace and  stopped for a few seconds and
then hurried to  meet his schedule.
4  minutes later:
the  violinist received his first dollar: a woman  threw the money in the
hat and, without  stopping, continued to walk....
6  minutes:
A  young man leaned against the wall to listen to  him, then looked at his
watch and started to  walk again.
10  minutes:
A  3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him  along hurriedly. The
kid stopped to look at the  violinist again, but the mother pushed hard
and  the child continued to walk, turning his head  all the time. This
action was repeated by  several other children. Every parent, without 
exception, forced their children to move on  quickly.
45  minutes:
The  musician played  continuously.  Only 6 people stopped and  listened
for a short while. About 20 gave money  but continued to walk at their
normal pace.   The man collected a total of  $32.
1  hour:
He  finished playing and silence took over. No one  noticed. No one
applauded, nor was there any  recognition.
No  one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua  Bell, one of the greatest
musicians in the  world. He played one of the most intricate  pieces ever
written, with a violin worth $3.5  million dollars. Two days before Joshua
Bell  sold out a theater in Boston where the seats  averaged $100.
This  is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito  in the metro station
was organized by the  Washington Post as part of a social experiment 
about perception, taste and people's  priorities. The questions raised: in
a  common place environment at an inappropriate  hour, do we perceive
beauty? Do we stop to  appreciate it? Do we recognize talent in an 
unexpected context?
One possible  conclusion reached from this experiment could be  this:  If
we do not have a moment to stop  and listen to one of the best musicians
in the  world, playing some of the finest music ever  written, with one of
the most beautiful  instruments ever made.... How many other things  are we
missing.


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NORTHERN WINTERS
  Click here
  Click here
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  Click here

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Three Possible Bud commercials for the Super Bowl

  Click here
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Sanitation Trucks
  Click here
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Dating in 1961
  Click here

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Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy sees a letter among the mail on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND"
He spends an hour figuring out how he can pick it up!.


Paddy shouting frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

Paddy was driving home, drunk as lord, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a
tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "for god sake Paddy, it's your air freshener swinging about!"


An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail.
A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth are ye doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

You Gotta Luv The Irish...


Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on
the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for
the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You Must Have A Vase Somewhere!'

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The last ever harrier fly by - the final words of departure
 Click here


A picture of the last Harrier fly by over the Houses of Parliament.
You have to squint a bit to see what the 'boys' are trying to say! But if
you look for the letters F, then the letter U, then the letter C, then
another letter in the top row, and the letter O, followed by the letter F
and then another in the bottom row, you'll understand.

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Horny hot tub party   CAUTION!!

Scroll down to see this picture (which must have been taken by an
undercover photographer!

 Click here

And you were expecting. . .  what, exactly...?
Sometimes I worry about you.

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Imagination gone awry
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Some people  have incredible imaginations, AND way too much time on their 
hands!!

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How to keep a guy amused for hours
  Click here

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Saddle Hills Alberta Grizzly
Big Bear shot Saddle Hills Alberta, Sept 20, 2010
These two gents were calling elk in the Saddle Hills south of Woking when
this big guy slipped in on the caller the
Shooter spotted the bear 8 yards from the caller and dropped him with 5
shots out of his 338 Rem Mag..
Farmers in the area knew about the Bear but weren't able to track after it
had killed 3 horses, 5 cows, 13 sheep and a pen full of chickens on
several different homesteads in the area.
Fish and wildlife had bear traps set up in the area but noticed on
surveillance video that when ever he would enter his hump would hit the
top of the culvert trap slowing him enough that the trap door would wack
him on the head before he was all the way in check out the scar tissue on
his face...
  Bear weighed in just under 1300 pounds and would have stood 11 ĺ feet
tall on its hind legs...

  Click here
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Rainbow of light
  Click here

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WHAT PILOTS SEE WHEN LANDING AT OFFUTT AIR FORCE BASE...

This is just south of  Omaha, NE  on Hwy 75 south. A farmer does it with
his tractor and not sure if he uses a plow or a disc  He uses GPS to get
the letters readable. He has done this every fall for several years now.

Here's the view from the flight pattern into OFFUTT AIR FORCE BASE
(Bellevue, NE  just south of  Omaha.)  This is what our servicemen see
when landing at Offutt AFB.  Hat tip to the  Bellevue  farmer who made it
happen!

  Click here
  Click here
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Aussies can get through anything with a good laugh
Although we all know it's awful what has been happening in Queensland,
Victoria,
New South Wales and Tasmania as well as Carnarvon, hope this can still make
you laugh .


During a recent flood in a small town, a young girl was perched on top of a
house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the
water,
they noticed an old hat go past.


Suddenly, the hat turned and came back; then turned around and went
downstream again. After it had gone some distance, it turned once more and
came back.

They watched in amazement as it did that a number of times.

  "Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes
downstream,
then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it
comes back again."
"Oh, that's nothing! It's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my
Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
  In some instances.....
 Click here


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What to do in retirement

 Click here

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Fishing in Congo
 Click here

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Seconds before death

 Click here

"SECONDS BEFORE DEATH" (CHILLING)

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING INCIDENT.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE

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World's fastest 57 Chevy
 Click here


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The Correct Way To Take A Shirt Off

  Click here

I think I stopped after 1329 views

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Men's Waxing
 Click here

Now ladies, don't laugh.

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Words of Wisdom
 Click here

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Are You A Real Cowboy
 Click here 

 target=_blank>Click here

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Flood Victims -Queensland
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NO WORRIES - Australia is in capable hands - Video footage from Parliament
House, Canberra]
 Click here
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Never Live Uphill from your Local Pub
 Click here


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Motivs ......2011
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HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1.Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours
4. Then analyse the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Planning Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put
    them in Accounting.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
    Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in
    Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are
    looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
    moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that
they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government .


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When Trees Were Huge


Excellent Pictures !

Question:  Can you identify every make and model of truck in the
photographs ??


Once upon a time trees were huge, horses were strong and people were small,
but brave. Having defeated all the dragons, people decided to compete with
huge trees. They created a long saw to conquer a sequoia, also known as
mammoth tree. A lot of courageous saw men perished under the trees...


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

The trees were so big that you could easily make the mobile office of the
trunk.

 Click here Click here

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Water Shortage in Ireland - NOTICE IN LOCAL NEWSPAPERS


Due to a water shortage in Dublin, swimming baths have announced they are
closing lanes 7 and 8.


Thank you.

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As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 13 year old next door,
whose bedroom looks like Mission Control,
And asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after  him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I  need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID  ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll  figure it out.'
So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
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WAKE UP TIME

When the shearing sheds are silent and the stock camps fallen quiet

When the gidgee coals no longer glow across the outback night

And the bush is forced to hang a sign, '.. Gone broke and won't be back'

And spirits fear to find a way beyond the beaten track

When harvesters stand derelict upon the wind swept plains

And brave hearts pin their hopes no more on chance of loving rains

When a hundred outback settlements are ghost towns overnight

When we've lost the drive and heart we had to once more see us right

When 'Pioneer' means a stereo and 'Digger' some backhoe

And the 'Outback' is behind the house. there's nowhere else to go

And 'Anzac' is a biscuit brand and probably foreign owned

And education really means brainwashed and neatly cloned

When you have to bake a loaf of bread to make a decent crust

And our heritage once enshrined in gold is crumbling to dust

And old folk pay their camping fees on land for which they fought

And fishing is a great escape; this is until you're caught

When you see our kids with Yankee caps and resentment in their eyes

And the soaring crime and hopeless hearts is no longer a surprise

When the name of RM Williams is a yuppie clothing brand

And not a product of our heritage that grew off the land

When offering a hand makes people think you'll amputate

And two dogs meeting in the street is what you call a 'Mate'

When 'Political Correctness' has replaced all common sense

When you're forced to see it their way, there's no sitting on the fence

Yes one day you might find yourself an outcast in this land

Perhaps your heart will tell you then, ' I should have made a stand'

Just go and ask the farmers that should remove all doubt

Then join the swelling ranks who say, ' don't sell Australia out'


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Well on that patriotic note:-
It's time for Quote of the Week:

"My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all for it. People
need somebody to watch over them and tell them what to do. Ninety-five
percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to
behave." 

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

  ___._-BH-_.____._-BH-_.____._-BH-_.____._-BH-_.____._-BH-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]

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