Friday humour - January 28, 2011

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

What a new year this has been already. Flooding disaster on an historically
unprecedented scale in Australia. It is truly interesting though, that
social responsibility seems to be rekindled and fanned into a blaze in
times of great challenge, like wars, and natural disasters. All over 
Australia, tens of thousands, including neighbours who had not spoken more
than a few words in 20 years, got on the wellies and brought brooms and 
mops and spades and themselves to help others less fortunate. If it is 
possible for any good to come from this abject misery, then perhaps the 
newly rekindled spirit of community would be it.

This weeks selection comes courtesy of Allnutts, Arfermo, Kaos reflex, Liz,
Mitta, Muse, Sack, Stumpy Steve, The Great Gussius,
Whizzbang, and the everpresent Anonymi.

Take a break for a giggle.

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Here is a great collection of hi-resolution before after photos of the Jan
2011 floods. You can use your mouse to drag the before / after line (right
to left/left to right) once the link is fully downloaded.

 Click here

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Sometimes it takes a long time to discover this. Enjoy the coffee.
 Click here

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A classic punch line ...
 Click here

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Justice Occurs in Mysterious Ways
Poor Judgement in Selecting a Store to Rob

AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for children was
stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in eastern Georgia.

Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle that the man
was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop under his jacket
at the Augusta store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a
knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four Marines collecting toys
for the service branch's "Toys For Tots" program.

Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, Cpl.
Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe. The
suspect, whose name was not released, was held until police arrived. The
Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is investigating.

The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a
broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted
lacerations including a broken nose and jaw... Injuries he sustained when
he fell trying to run after stabbing the Marine.

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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America:

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to
as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMENAND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER
CLEAVAGE'

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Tyler Bradt completes the World Record waterfall descent -or - Kayak maniac
takes on 189 foot waterfall!
 Click here

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Armchair Traveller: try this one out for size!
 Click here

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Got stopped in the street outside 'Boots' today by a woman with a clipboard
asking "what grooming products I use?"

You should have seen her face when I said "Facebook, Haribo sweets and
puppies."

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"Look at the ink blots and tell me the first thing that comes to mind" said
the shrink.
"This reminds me of a pair of firm breasts" said the patient.
"And this one?"
"That is a couple making love."
"And this?"
"Its a naked woman writhing on a bed."
"You seem to be preoccupied with s*x." said the psychiatrist.
"I'm preoccupied? You're the one with the dirty pictures!"

"Doctor" said the woman "Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac"
"I understand" said the doctor "I'll examine you as soon as you let go of
my penis"

Patient: "Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards.'
Shrink: "Please take a seat and I'll deal with you in a moment."

It is a clear point of established medical fact that the limbic system
controls the four 'F's. Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing and
Reproduction.

"Doctor, I had a vivid dream that I ate a giant marshmallow man. But when I
woke up, my pillow was gone."
"How do you feel" asked the doctor.
"A little down in the mouth."

"Doctor, I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac, I can't stop stealing
things."
"Then take these pills, they should help.
"But what if they don't? asked the troubled patient.
"Then come back next week and bring me a blue-ray player and a flat panel
television.

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A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist said "Sir we
have several different pain killers, do you have any allergies?"

"I won't need a pain killer, I have suffered the second greatest pain and
nothing could be worse" said the man.

"Sir, I think you should have a pain killer for an extraction, but what on
earth is the second greatest pain?

"How could I forget" said the man "A while back, I was on holiday in the
high country, hiking through the snow when I felt the call of nature. I
dropped my pants behind a tree to have a cr*p and unknown to me, I was
squatting on top of a bear trap. It went off and caught me by the
knackers. That was the second worst pain of all."

"Ouch" said the dentist" I understand, but if that is the second greatest
pain, what was the first?"

"Oh that was 3 seconds later when I reached the end of the chain."

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At the cinema yesterday, I couldn't help notice an old bloke sitting in the
front row with his dog. It was one of those films - sad here and there and
very funny at other times. In the sad parts, the dog cried like a baby and
then laughed madly at the funny bits.
This went on through the whole movie.

On the way out, I couldn't contain my curiosity, so I spoke to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Your dog really enjoyed that
movie, it's remarkable!"

"Yeah it is." said the old man "He hated the book."

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Why do seagulls live near the sea? Because if they lived near the bay, they
would be bagels.

Researchers were observing two boy silkworms competing for the s*xual
favours of a girl silkworm. They ended in a tie.

Why do elephants have four feet? Because girl elephants have big vaginas.

Relax. The only one who got all his work done by Friday was Robinson
Crusoe.

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Three doctors died in a car accident and arrived at the pearly gates.

"What have you done during your life to deserve entry to heaven" asked St
Peter of the first.

"I spent my whole career in an emergency ward and saved the lives of
hundreds and thousands of people"
"Welcome" said St Peter "Come right in"

"And you?" enquired St Peter.

"I spent much of my life working in poor countries saving lives of tens of
thousands of underprivileged children" said the second quack.

"Welcome" said St Peter "You too can come right in"

"And now for you" said St Peter "What do you have to say?"

"Well I worked in managed care in a large city hospital. I saved tens of
millions of dollars."

"Enter" said St Peter "But you can only stay for 48 hours"

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Happiness is a journey rather than a destination: the secret for success is
looking out for icebergs.

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I went to a meeting at my lawyer's office. "Do you want the bad news or the
terrible news?" asked the lawyer. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife
found a picture that is worth a million dollars"
"That's the bad news? I can't wait to hear the terrible news"
"The picture is of you and your secretary."

Lawyers on summer holiday at the beach are advised to apply excessive
amounts of sunscreen every two hours. The reason is most of their lying
will be outdoors.

What do you get if you cross a Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't
understand.

A bloke walked into a bar with a crocodile on a leash. "Do you serve
lawyers in this pub?" asked the bloke.
"Sir we serve everyone here" said the bartender.'
"Good. In that case, I'll have a light beer for me and a lawyer for my
croc."

I work for a lawyer who told me I'll get a pay raise when I've earned it.
He's crazy if he thinks I'm going to wait that long.

Why do they bury lawyers six feet under? Because deep down, they are really
nice people.

Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and go on to
learn more and more about less and less until they know almost everything
about nothing.
Lawyers on the other hand, know very little about many things and continue
to learn less and less about more and more until they understand
practically nothing about everything.

A couple were tragically killed on the way to their wedding. At the pearly
gates, they asked St. Peter if they could get married even though they
were in heaven. Feeling sorry for them, he waved them through promising to
make arrangements.
A century passed before St Peter summonsed them and they were duly married.
It seemed an eternity, but as sometimes happens the couple developed
irreconcilable differences so asked St Peter if they could get a divorce.
"Are you kidding?" said St Peter. "It took a hundred years to get a priest,
I'll never get a lawyer"

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A Great Japanese Beer Commercial.
 Click here

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Eskimo...
 Click here

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Too, too too much snow! No wonder they're forecasting flooding in Manitoba
this spring!
These pictures were taken in Lead, South Dakota , on January 5, 2010.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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These are actual grave stones. English translation provided on the right
side for your enjoyment.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Revenge of the shim? Read message below picture.
 Click here

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Super graffiti!
 Click here

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Pilot of the Year- Brilliant [a repeat classic Ed.]
 Click here

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Granny's Pie
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Just call me John.
 Click here

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When paradise on earth came to a sudden end
 Click here

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Snoped as OK
 Click here

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[Generally, to get into FH an item needs to be funny - that is funny ha ha,
 funny unusual, or funny peculiar. This item has its very own category -
 funny gobsmacking - Ed.]

The attached four photos show how quickly the floods happened on a farm at
Helidon (Queensland Australia) on Monday 10.01.2011.
There has never been water on this cultivation before.
Lockyer Creek runs behind the cultivation.
The times on the photos say it all.
The farm is upstream from Grantham which got the full force of this creek,
and another creek (Flagstone Creek) which joins into it just before
Grantham.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
Creek!! Nothing to complete devastation in 22 minutes! Truly biblical.

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Weather Forecast
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!



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[ End friday humour ]

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