Friday humour - December 10, 2010

From Burnout at Bluehaze:

It is with some sadness I advise you dear readers that our longstanding
Editor and friend 'Davo' is retiring from his role at Bluehaze.

The FH Humour mail outs commenced in August 1996 and the website has been
in continuous operation since May 1997. Tony Sanderson who started the
site received help from Davo during holidays from March 2001. During this
time Davo became a fortnightly fixture as an FH Editor full time as it
were.
What a record of continuous work, each fortnight ensuring the site was
delivered to us the "Humourites".

Tony and Davo fed us our weekly dose of merriment and Davo with approval
from Tony started to challenge people who read the site with some pointed
editorials. This caused some consternation (& merriment) amongst some
readers, notably "Mad Bob" of Sydney, who willingly engaged Davo in a
weekly duel for a considerable period.

The loss of Tony put paid to the majority of these editorials and FH
disappeared back to its roots of general humour. Davo & Digi-Steve
continued to edit FH weekly with the support of the Sanderson Family. It
wasn't long however that the workload became an impost and two more
editors joined the team.

So this brings us up to date; I'm sure you will join us, (the Editors) in
wishing Davo 'all the best' and a huge "thankyou" for the effort behind
the scenes all those years. Thanks for everything 'Davo', I for one hope
you enjoy your second retirement. Don't be a stranger mate, send in a
couple of funnies every now and again.

This leaves me with one more issue to deal with; yes, you guessed it, we
are down one, short of one, and have a position available for one FH
Bluehaze Editor. (You know, the king is dead, long live the king an' all
that.)

If you think you can afford to spend 2 to 3 hours per month in a quest of
bringing a smile to the faces of a bunch of persons unknown to you please
apply to the following email address: < management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au > .

So it's on with the fun!

  ___._-BH-_.____._-BH-_.____._-BH-_.____._-BH-_.____._-BH-_.___


From: Allnutts
Subject: A perfect solution


Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at
The airports:

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will
Not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have
Hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the
Sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this cr*p
About racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and
Expensive trials.

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it  now: you're in
The airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly
Thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention
Standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."

Works for me!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous
Subject: Where has common sense gone


This was forwarded on to me from one of my active duty friends.
This is keeping us safe? The polar opposite of a free society, TSA and
these rigid intrusive rules. The entire rest of the world uses trained
dogs, but not a  free dictatorship in America.
I loved the statement "...but this really is a weapon...........
"************ this is inflexibility at its apex!


As the Chalk Leader for my flight home from Afghanistan, I witnessed the
following:

When we were on our way back from Afghanistan, we flew out of Baghram
Air Field. We went through customs at BAF, full body scanners (no groping),
had all of our bags searched, the whole nine yards.
Our first stop was Shannon, Ireland to refuel. After that, we had to stop
at Indianapolis, Indiana to drop off about 100 folks from the
Indiana National Guard. That's where the stupid started.

First, everyone was forced to get off the plane-even though the plane
wasn't refueling again. All 330 people got off that plane, rather than let
the 100 people from the ING get off. We were filed from the plane to a
holding area. No vending machines, no means of escape. Only a male/female
latrine.

It's probably important to mention that we were ALL carrying weapons.
Everyone was carrying an M4 Carbine (rifle) and some, like me, were also
carrying an M9 pistol. Oh, and our gunners had M-240B machine guns. Of
course, the weapons weren't loaded. And we had been cleared of all ammo
well before we even got to customs at Baghram, then AGAIN at customs.

The TSA personnel at the airport seriously considered making us unload all
of the baggage from the SECURE cargo hold to have it reinspected.
Keep in mind, this cargo had been unpacked, inspected piece by piece by
U.S. Customs officials, resealed and had bomb-sniffing dogs give it a
one-hour run through. After two hours of sitting in this holding area,
the TSA decided not to reinspect our Cargo-just to inspect us again:
Soldiers on the way home from war, who had already been inspected,
re-inspected and kept in a SECURE holding area for 2 hours. Ok, whatever.
So we lined up to go through security AGAIN.

This is probably another good time to remind you all that all of us were
carrying actual assault rifles, and some of us were also carrying pistols.

So we're in line, going through one at a time. One of our Soldiers had his
Gerber multi-tool. TSA confiscated it. Kind of ridiculous, but it gets
better. A few minutes later, a guy empties his pockets and has a pair of
nail clippers. Nail clippers. TSA informs the Soldier that they're going
to confiscate his nail clippers. The conversation went something like
this:

TSA Guy: You can't take those on the plane.

Soldier: What? I've had them since we left country.

TSA Guy: You're not suppose to have them.

Soldier: Why?

TSA Guy: They can be used as a weapon.

Soldier: [touches butt stock of the rifle] But this actually is a weapon.
And I'm allowed to take it on.

TSA Guy: Yeah but you can't use it to take over the plane. You don't have
bullets.

Soldier: And I can take over the plane with nail clippers?

TSA Guy: [awkward silence]

Me: Dude, just give him your damn nail clippers so we can get out of here.
I'll buy you a new set.

Soldier: [hands nail clippers to TSA guy, makes it through security]

To top it off, the TSA demanded we all be swabbed for "explosive residue"
detection. Everyone failed, [go figure, we just came home from a war
zone], because we tested positive for "Gun Powder Residue". Who is hiring
these people?

This might be a good time to remind everyone that approximately 233 people
re-boarded that plane with assault rifles, pistols, and machine guns-but
nothing that could have been used as a weapon.

Can someone please tell me What happened to OUR country while we were gone?

Sgt. Mad Dog Tracy


This is my personal note to add: It should be kept in mind that although
these men carried weapons with no ammo, they are trained to use those
weapons in hand to hand combat so it would have been real easy to take
over that plane, or at least beat the loving f*ck out of anyone that tried
to do it with a pair of nail clippers.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous
Subject: Christmas present


 Click here


Thought you would enjoy this.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous
Subject: Must read


 Click here


Man arrested after ejaculating during TSA pat-down

November 21, 2010 by Dead Serious News

A 47 year old gay man was arrested at San Francisco International Airport
after ejaculating while being patted down by a male TSA agent.  Percy
C*mmings, an interior designer from San Francisco, is being held without
bail after the alleged incident, charged with s*xually assaulting a
Federal agent.
According to C*mmings partner, Sergio Armani, C*mmings has multiple
piercings on his manhood which were detected during a full body scan.  As
a result, C*mmings was pulled aside for a pat-down.  Armani stated that
the unidentified TSA agent spent an inordinate amount of time groping
C*mmings, who had apparently become s*xually aroused.  C*mmings, who has a
history of s*xual dysfunction, ejaculated while the TSA agents hand was
feeling the piercings.  The TSA agent, according to several witnesses,
promptly called for back up.  C*mmings was thrown to the ground and
handcuffed.
A TSA spokesperson declined to comment on this specific case, but said that
anyone ejaculating during a pat-down would be subject to arrest.
Related articles:


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous
Subject: Jaw-dropping image of enormous 'supercell' cloud in Glasgow,
Montana.


 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous
Subject: 67 year old Vietnam Vet gets harrassed by a punk.


NEVER EVER mess with an old fart. This is GOOD!

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Arfermo
Subject:A Very Naughtie Slip Of The Tongue.


 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Biggus
Subject: Jokes

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end
up in a mental institution."
They got that wrong!
Turns out I'm actually: "Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious
unexplained accident."

--
I'm making a horror film where a sadistic snowman sets death traps for
other snowmen and they have to melt bits of themselves to escape.
It's called Thaw.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Diks
Subject: REPUBLICAN AND DEMOCRAT WOMAN!


THIS ONE IS A RIOT..............

You gotta see this. The music is so appropriate.

The first part is Republican women. As you're listening to that part

*Be thinking of what song they will play for the Dems*.

The second part is the Dems, I laughed out loud when it started.

        Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Diks
Subject: If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly......


  Ho Ho Ho and Merry Christmas!!!


Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.  I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.  
      Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling.  You're on your way to a career in lawncare.  How about I
send you a book so you can learn to read and spell?  I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger.  At least HE can spell.                   Santa

*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!              Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?            Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together.  Please see what you can do.       Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who
rides his ass constantly?  It's time to give up that dream.  Let me send
you some Legos instead.                      Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 3, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.             Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?  I bet you're gay.  I'll set you up
with a Barbie.                 Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the back door.                    Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the sh*ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh.  You want to do me a favor?  Leave me a bottle of
Scotch.                   Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?  Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China.  I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most
of my time making low-budget porno films.  I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses of c*cktail waitresses while losing money at
the cr*ps table.  Hey, you wanted to know.              Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?            Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible?  Good luck in whatever you do.  I'm skipping
your house.          Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year.  Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?         Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that cr*p doesn't
work with me.  You're getting a sweater again.                    Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house.  How do you get into our home?  
Love,
Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school.  Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex.  Third, I get inside your pad just like the
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.                Sweet dreams, 
     Santa


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Duke of Barsinov
 Subject: The Company Christmas Party.....


  Company Memo


FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO:             All Employees


DATE:        October 1, 2010


RE:             Gala Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House.  There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!  A Christmas tree
will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at
that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets.  This gathering is only for employees!


Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!


Merry Christmas to you and your family,


Patty


Company Memo


FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO:             All Employees


DATE:        October 2, 2010


RE:             Gala Holiday Party


In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. 
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on,
we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day.  There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas
carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.


Happy now?


Happy Holidays to you and your family,


Patty


Company Memo


FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO:             All Employees


DATE:        October 3, 2010


RE:             Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.  I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle
this?


Somebody?


And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


Company Memo


FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


To:              All Employees


DATE:        October 4, 2010


RE:             Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in
little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?


Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.


Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each group will have their own table.  Yes, there will be flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table.


To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that
no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about
confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.


We will have booster seats for short people.


Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.


I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
food.  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste
a bite first.


There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?


Patty


Company Memo


FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO:             All F*%^ing Employees


DATE:        October 5, 2010


RE:             The F*%^ing Holiday Party


I've had it with you vegetarian pr*cks!!!  We're going to keep this party
at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  But
you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them. 
I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!


The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!


Drive drunk and die,


The B*tch from H*ll!!!


Company Memo


FROM:       Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director


DATE:        October 6, 2010


RE:             Patty Lewis and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her.


In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.


Happy Holidays!


Joan


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Liz
Subject: How to Make a 3D Paper Snowflake (Hours of Fun - ED)


These are easy to make and so pretty.
You need to be patient with your cutting but other than that, they are
simple.

Easy to make and so beautiful.  Enjoy

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Liz
Subject: The Wrong Funeral


  THE WRONG FUNERAL

  God doesn't make mistakes. He puts us where He wishes us to be.

  They say there are no mistakes, for everything there is a purpose.
  Makes you think... Enjoy! We'll never know where our paths will take us!


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew where I sat.
I was at the funeral of my dearest friend - my mother. She finally had lost
her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense; I found it hard to
breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school
plays, held box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak,
comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed
for me my entire life.

  When mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my
brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me,
the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. 
I counted it an honor.  'What now, Lord?'  I asked sitting in church.

  My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat
  stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife's hand.
 My sister sat slumped against her husband's shoulder, his arms around her
as she cradled their child...  All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I
sat alone.
  My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk,
taking her to the doctor, seeing to her medication, reading the Bible
together.   Now she was with the Lord.  My work was finished, and I was
alone.  I heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. 
Quick footsteps hurried along the carpeted floor....

  An exasperated young man looked around briefly and then sat next to me. 
He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. His eyes were brimming
with tears.  He began to sniffle. 'I'm late,' he explained, though no
explanation was necessary.  After several eulogies, he leaned over and
commented, 'Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of ' Margaret?'' 
'Because, that was her name, Margaret.  Never Mary, no one called her
'Mary,'' I whispered.  I wondered why this person couldn't have sat on the
other side of the church.  He interrupted my grieving with his tears and
fidgeting. Who was this stranger anyway?

  'No, that isn't correct,' he insisted, as several people glanced over at
us whispering, 'Her name is Mary, Mary Peters.'  'That isn't who this is.'
 'Isn't this the Lutheran church?'  'No, the Lutheran church is across the
street.'  'Oh.'  'I believe you're at the wrong funeral, Sir.'  The
solemnness of the occasion mixed with the realization of the man's mistake
bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter.  I cupped my hands over my
face, hoping it would be interpreted as sobs. The creaking pew gave me
away..  Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more
hilarious.  I peeked at the bewildered, misguided man seated beside me. 
He was laughing; too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for
an uneventful exit.  I imagined Mother laughing.  At the final 'Amen,' we
darted out a door and into the parking lot.
  'I do believe we'll be the talk of the town,' he smiled.  He said his
name was Rick and since he had missed his aunt's funeral, asked me out for
a cup of coffee.

  That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who
  attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place.  A year after our
meeting, we were married at a country church where he was the assistant
pastor.  This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time...

  In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter.  In place of loneliness, God
gave me love.   This past June, we celebrated our twenty-second wedding
anniversary.  Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them, 'Her
mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it's truly a match made in
heaven.'

  If you Love God, and are not ashamed of all the marvelous things he has
done for you, send this on to others.

  REMEMBER, God doesn't make mistakes. He puts us where we are to be.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Muse
Subject: "Pat Downs" by: Buck Howdy


 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: The Bailout

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town.  The rain is beating down and
the streets are deserted.  Times are tough, everybody is in debt and
everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town,
stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling
the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick
one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the
visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and
runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his
debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at
the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his
drinks bill at the pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the
bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him services
on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel
owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so
the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100
note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and
leaves town.
No one produced anything.  No one earned anything.  However, the whole town
is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: Grandma and Grandpa
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
Their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Vigra in
His son's medicine cabinet, he asked
About using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should
Take one Dad; they're very strong
And very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. A pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
Try one, and before we leave in the
Morning, I'll put the money Under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
You each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The Hundred is from Grandma!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: secret mens business

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had
broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: decorations

I went to my friend's house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree
was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.

I asked, "What's the deal, no decorations?"

Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It's a cartridge in a
bare tree."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: neither legal, nor logical

  A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty
  old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
  Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
  Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a
  professor, would I?"
  Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the
  correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me
  the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
  Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"
  Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and
  neither logical nor legal? "
  The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer.
  Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A"
  as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
  The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all
  afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a
  group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really
  tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but
  not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "
  To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students
  immediately raise their hands.
  "All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer
  "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old
  and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.
  Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And
  your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A",
  which is neither legal, nor logical."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: Christmas Cake Recipe - for those of you who can't remember last
year's cake recipe.

      Ingredients:

      * 2 cups flour
      * 1 stick butter
      * 1 cup of water
      * 1 tsp baking soda
      * 1 cup of sugar
      * 1 tsp salt
      * 1 cup of brown sugar
      * Lemon juice
      * 4 large eggs

      * Nuts
      * 2 bottles wine
      * 2 cups of dried fruit

      Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in
case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

      Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or
something.. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the
window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
      Go to Tesco and buy cake.

      Bingle Jells!


Its that time of year again, happy baking!!!!!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Stumpy Steve

An Irishman suddenly realizes his house is on fire. He immediately dials
999

The fireman answers, "Yes may I help you?"

The Irishman replies, "My house is on fire, come quick!!!"

The fireman asks, "How do we get there?"

The Irishman says, "Duh, big red truck!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Whizzbang (Politics Yet??? - ED)
Subject: COMING CHANGES IN OUR LIVES


Something to think about......


Whether these changes are good or bad depends in part on how we adapt to
them but, ready or not, here they come!


1. The Post Office.

Get ready to imagine a world without the US Post Office. They are so deeply
in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term.
Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed
to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and
bills.

2. The Check.

 Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with checks by 2018.
It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year to process
checks.
Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of
the check. This plays right into the death of the post office. If you
never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post
office would absolutely go out of business.

3. The Newspaper.

The younger generation simply doesn't read the newspaper. They certainly
don't subscribe to a daily delivered print edition. That may go the way of
the milkman and the laundry man. As for reading the paper online, get ready
to pay for it. The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused
all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance. They have
met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a
model for paid subscription services.

4. The Book.

You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand
and turn the literal pages. I said the same thing about downloading music
from iTunes. I wanted my hard copy CD. But I quickly changed my mind when
I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever
leaving home to get the latest music. The same thing will happen with
books.  You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter
before you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real book. and
think  of the convenience once you start flicking your fingers on the
screen  instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story,
can't wait  to see what happens next, and you forget that you're holding a
gadget instead of a book.

5. The Land Line Telephone.

Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don't
need it any more. Most people keep it simply because they've always had
it.
But you are paying double charges for that extra service. All the cell
phone companies will let you call customers using  the same cell provider
for no charge against your minutes.

6.  Music.

This is one of   the saddest parts of the change story.
The music industry is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal
downloading. It's the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to
get to the people who like to hear it. Greed and corruption is the problem.
The record labels   and the radio conglomerates simply self-destruction.
Over 40% of the music purchased today is "catalog items," meaning
traditional music that the public is familiar with. Older established
artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit. To explore this
fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out the book, "Appetite
for
Self-Destruction" by Steve Knopper, and the video doc*mentary, "Before the
Music Dies."

7.  Television.

Revenues to the networks are down dramatically.
Not just because of the economy.  People are watching TV and movies
streamed from their computers. And they're playing games and doing lots of
other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. 
Prime time shows have degenerated  down to lower than the lowest common
denominator.
Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and
30 seconds. I say good riddance to most of it It's time for the cable
companies to be put out of our misery. Let the people choose what they
want to watch online and through Netflix.

8. The "Things." That You Own.

Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives,
but we may not actually own them in the future. They may simply reside in
"the cloud."
Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music,
movies, and doc*ments. Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always
re-install it if need be. But all of that is changing.
Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest "cloud
services." That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will
be built into the operating system.

So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the
Internet.
If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud. If you
save something, it will be saved to the cloud. And you may pay a monthly
subscription fee to the cloud provider. In this virtual world, you can
access your music or your books, or your whatever from any laptop or
handheld device. That's the good news. But, will you actually own any of
this "stuff" or will it all be able to disappear at any moment in a big
"Poof?" Will most of the things in our lives be disposable and whimsical?
It makes you want to run to the closet and pull out that photo album, grab
a book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the insert.

9.  Privacy.

If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it
would be privacy. That's gone. It's been gone for a long time anyway.
There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built
into your computer and cell phone. But you can be sure that 24/7 "They"
know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and
the Google Street View.  If you buy something, your habit is put into a
zillion profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits.  And
"They" will try to get you to buy something else.  Again and again.  All
we will have that can't be changed are Memories.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT..... MOST OF THESE THINGS ARE ALREADY TAKING PLACE
AND THE OUTCOME IS SET IN STONE .


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang (And Engineering - ED)
Subject: Shred of the Month - November 2010: Engine Blocks and
Transmissions

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Anonymous
Subject: Talking dogs (Doglish)

 Click here


I want my mama.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous
Subject: END OF AN ERA

Now this is history, can you imagine building 16 airplanes a day??

I doubt we could equal that production today, even with all the new
technology.


END OF AN ERA


1944?  No - it's the year 2010
Early Sat*rday morning in a rainy Seattle . 0300 hrs local time.  The
Location:  Boeing's historic Plant II - about to be torn down after
Three quarters of a century producing thousands of the most significant
And historic airplanes ever built.  In preparation for demolition, three
Airplanes that have been undergoing Museum of Flight restoration in the
Factory's assembly bays will have to be moved.  Just as in days past,
With lights and images reflecting off the wet pavement, the last three
Airplanes are rolled out.  The giant hangar doors are raised, the tugs
And tow bars are hooked up, and with lights flashing, they are moved out
Of the factory and onto the historic ramp.  Where so many have gone
Before.  Then across East Marginal Way and out onto Boeing Field.

They are the last airplanes to roll out of these doors.  Ever.

First out isn't even a Boeing airplane - but rather a Lockheed Super G
Constellation that flew for Trans-Canada Air Lines.  The Connie is
Destined for the Air Park , next to Air Force One, after a Plant II stay
Of 1 year and three days.

 Click here

Next is a Boeing B-17 - especially heart-tugging as she is the last B-17
To roll out of these doors.  Boeing built 6981 B-17s in this factory
During WW II , at a peak rate of 16 per day.  I guess you could say they
Built 6981 and rolled out 6982 - including this last ship - 65 years
After her last sister

 Click here


A poignant moment in time

 Click here

Museum employee and good friend Evan Elliott, driving the tug, knows he
Has just made history.

 Click here

Finally, a Boeing B-29 rolls under the raised hangar doors and out into
The dark and wet night.  The very last airplane that will ever roll from
This factory.

 Click here

This Boeing B-29 is the "last of the last."

The now empty factory bays sit - silently awaiting their fate.

 Click here

Everyone present knew they were witnessing history unfolding in front of
Their eyes.  More than a few tears ran down more than a few cheeks, to
Mingle with the soft Seattle drops of rain.

A Boeing Plant II Primer

The ramp that these three historic airplanes roll across, and the
Building they leave is one of the most historic aviation sites in the
World.

 Click here

Here, in April 1944, are the 16 B-17 Flying Fortress bombers produced in
This building - that day, and every day!


In October 1944, the first Boeing XC-97 rolled out of these doors -
Later to become the C-97 transport, KC-97 Tanker, and B-377 commercial
Stratocruiser.  (See the camouflage on the roof?)


 Click here


During WW II , the plant was completely camouflaged to look like a
Residential area as protection against possible Japanese air attack.

 Click here

In the late 1940s and early 1950s, myriad B-50 bombers and C-97
Transports are being produced in this factory.

 Click here

On 12 Sept 1947, a radical new airplane - the Boeing B-47 six-jet bomber
Prototype is rolled out.  This airplane is the direct lineal matriarch
For all the jet airplanes Boeing has produced since.


In 1952, in the darkness and wet of a Seattle night, the Prototype
Boeing B-52 8-engine Bomber is rolled out and across East Marginal Way .
She's shrouded in secrecy and covered by canvas and tarps.  This amazing
Airplane is still in front-line combat service to this day.

 Click here

Here 277 B-52s are being produced where the earlier airplanes once were
Assembled.

 Click here

 Click here

And, in 1966, the first Prototype Boeing twin-jet 737 was manufactured
In this building and rolled out of these doors on to this ramp.  This
Airplane (which I worked on - then, and which I still work on - now,) is


In the Museum's collection.  She's the first of more than 8000 737s
Built or ordered since then

 Click here

She, and 44 years later, the Super Connie , are my bit of Plant II
Experience.

And so, today - History meets History as the last three airplanes roll
Out of these doors.  Boeing's Plant II is truly aviation Hallowed
Ground..


Now this is history, can you imagine building 16 airplanes a day??

I doubt we could equal that production today, even with all the new
technology.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Burnout
Subject:  Never kick a beer bottle !!!!!

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Burnout
Subject: Childproof Drawer

 Click here
  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Burnout
Subject: Christmas Bonus

 Click here
  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout
Subject: Day Care

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Diks
Subject: "A new gauge from Lowe's Tool Dept."


*FOR ALL of YOU TOOL NUTS .....here's a great Christmas present.** *


I just bought this new gauge from Lowe's Tool Dept.

It takes a while to learn all the settings but I'm pretty handy

and was patient, so I figured it out eventually.

You know for sure with this gauge, there is no more guessing!

*Lowe's......A man's toy store.........*

 Click here


It's just so much fun to use.  I really love it!!!
A guy just can't own too many tools.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: When Your Dog Is Your Best Friend

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: 10 reasons why we know Santa is a man

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Kaos_reflex
Subject:  British breast implant - needs sound.

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Liz
Subject: Wireless

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Liz
Subject: Throat of fire

 Click here


Ecuador's Tungurahua volcano spews molten rocks and large clouds of gas and
ash near Banos, 111 miles south of Quito.

 Tungurahua means "Throat of Fire" in the local Quechua language.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Liz
Subject: Female Soldiers of the World...

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Liz
Subject: Some beautiful woodies....

Absolutely gorgeous - from a time we cannot replace....1948 Chevrolet!

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Liz
Subject: How to identify a meth lab

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Liz
Subject: Humour

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Liz
Subject: Redneck lottery winner

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Mitta
Subject: FW: Snowmen

Have you Ever asked yourself,
What snowmen Do During summertime......

 Click here


You didn't know that, did you?


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Muse
Subject:  Coming to your airport???

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Muse
Subject: 2 feet of snow expected tonight! (canada...where else?)

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Ballet Class

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  how to drive a 4x4

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: You don't need to have Children to enjoy this!

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Winter Weather

Weather Report
How cold is it where you live?

 Click here

Now that's cold!!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Sack
Subject: Magic at Uluru - STUNNING photos!


Magic at Uluru

Australia's iconic Uluru (Ayer's Rock) is barely recognizable in a series
of photographs taken during torrential rain earlier this month.


For local photographer Peter Carroll, it was a 20 year wait to capture rain
on the rock.

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


Local landscape photographer Peter Carroll was in the right place at the
right time when the rain came bucketing down earlier in the month.

Peter was at Yulara - the township near Uluru when he woke at 3 am to the
sound of torrential rain.

'It has been a 20 year dream to see Uluru with water pouring down her
flanks,' writes Peter in his blog, 'so there I lay tossing and turning
praying the rain would continue 'til the crack of dawn.'

Most longtime residents of Central Australia know that the sight of rain on
the rock is a rare phenomenon. For a landscape photographer, it's gold.
Before the sun had risen, Peter was out there with his camera.

'I had to calm myself a little bit. It was pretty momentous,' says Peter.

'I went round to the general car park area where the climb is... and that's
where these white stripes started to reveal themselves, it was pretty
spectacular.'

The result of Peter's work is a spectacular collection of images that show
Uluru in a whole new light.

Barely recognizable with silver lines snaking down the surface and eerie
fog hovering - the images will no doubt find a large audience. Several
have already appeared on the front page of The Australian.

Most of the shots were taken near the Mututjulu water hole, says Peter, and
what he heard that morning was just as powerful as what he saw through the
lens.

'Once I got out of the car and started walking in, all the noises started
to take over,' he says.

'When you hear that water rushing down the side, and plummeting over
cliffs,
it really is a special sound. And because we've had so much rain lately
there's just hundreds of thousands of frogs around the place, it was
pretty magical.'

'I've been down [to Uluru] a lot and whenever I'm down there it delivers
some special, special moment. I don't know what the inner workings of it
are on the human psyche but it's fairly powerful stuff.'

Follow the link to Peter's blog to see more images and read the story in
his own words.

(Story taken from Rohan Barwick's interview with Peter Carroll on 783
Drive,
ABC Alice Springs)


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: it was so sad when the threat of invasion from Russia went away

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: NEW-Motivational posters

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Whizzbang
Subject: How Brave are you?!
What IDIOTS! (Giving a whole knew meaning to the Word MORON - ED)

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

(Warning to readers, this file below may be disturbing - ED)

From: Whizzbang
Subject:  HOLY F#@K! I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT!

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Whizzbang
Subject:  wtf

 Click here


demotivational posters - I SEE THREE PIGS


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang Subject: Lets go riding in Bali....

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang (And now true to form, the mindless s*x -ED)
Subject:  Brian the bored kangaroo!

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: anonymous
Subject: recycled paper

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: anonymous
Subject: A legal question ....

This is a tough legal situation that we should get the supreme court to get
involved with.

It sounds like the type of thing that they are capable of making an opinion
on

A legal question

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


     Is this statuetory rape?


     Or is it just a moosedemeanor.

     Stop laughing! This is serious!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: anonymous
Subject: Contribution

Hi Guys,
 I haven't seen this in FH. I quite enjoyed it

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one
less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the week:

Much of the social history of the Western world over the past three decades
has involved replacing what worked with what sounded good.

- Thomas Sowell.
  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

That's your lot for another week ladies and gentlemen.

Don't forget, if you are stimulated by the thought of becoming an Editor at
Bluehaze send your interest to < management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au >.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (December 03, 2010)  Index Next (December 17, 2010)