Friday humour - December 03, 2010

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

I am filling in for Davo this week, which is why you get my take on the
election, and not his :-)

Labor got spanked at the Federal election, and they just got spanked again
at the Victorian election, and they still haven't figured out why! I
despair that a once proud and vibrant progressive political party has
degenerated to the point where it cant even tell the truth to itself, let
alone anybody else. Not because I am a Labor voter, but because the
current state of the Labor Party gives voters no real choice in elections.
Now we find that all the LNP "promises" are contingent on the state of
the finances. Is that new? Of course not. It just sounds new. Perhaps 
another "black hole" is about to make a long awaited (11 years) appearance.
And now for New South Wales. I feel another spanking coming on ...

This weeks collection comes to you courtesy of Allnutts, Burnout, Diks,
Liz, Muze, Nottingham Smithie, Stumpy Steve, The Great
Gussius, Whizzbang and the anonymi.

Enjoy!

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How the AK-47 Rewrote the Rules of Modern Warfare
 Click here

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The blokes were all at a bowls camp. No one wanted to room with Barrie,
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first bloke slept with Barrie and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you?" He said, "Barrie snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night.

The next night it was a different fellow's turn. In the morning, same thing
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said,
"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Barrie
shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Terry's turn. Terry was a tanned, older bowler; a man's
man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Terry, what
happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Barrie
into bed, patted him on the bum, and kissed him goodnight. Barrie sat up
and watched me all night.

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A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never
let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest
emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in
the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
s*xy, seductive and invincible.

No wait... Sorry..

I'm thinking of whiskey.

It's whiskey that does all that sh*t.

Never mind.

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TerryWaldo Ragtime
 Click here

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New TSA Slogans - Come on, you knew it was just a matter of time ...

Can't See London, Can't See France, Unless We See Your Underpants.

Grope Discounts Available.

If We Did Our Job Any Better, We'd Have To Buy You Dinner First.

Only We Know If Lady Gaga Is Really A Lady.

Don't Worry, My Hands Are Still Warm From The Last Guy.

Throw A Few Back At The Airport Chili's And You Won't Even Notice.

Wanna Fly? Drop Your Fly.

We've Handled More Balls Than Barney Frank

We Are Now Free To Move About Your Pants

We Rub You The Wrong Way, So You Can Be On Your Way.

It's Not A Grope. It's A Freedom Pat.

When In Doubt, We Make You Whip It Out.

TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'

You Were A Virgin.

We Handle More Packages Than The USPS

The TSA Isn't Silly, They Just Want To Inspect Your Willy

Stroke Of The Hand, Law Of The Land

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem

Let Your Fingers Do The Walking

Cough

Reach Out And Touch Someone

Can You Feel Me Now?

When We're Done With You, You'll Need A Cigarette

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Take a look at this video....absolutely fabulous. Notice the cars and
jeeps, youth, etc., the guys in khaki or gray shirts and black ties are
Navy officers or chiefs....the rest are Army or Marine. This guy really
captured a moment in history.

(You can listen to Jimmy Durante singing in the background, too.)

This is a super video of a time past -- we need to remember and be
THANKFUL.

Check out the color fidelity. It's not bad for 1945 - nothing will ever
compare with Kodachrome film.

 Click here

[don't think super 8 had stereo sound in 1945 - Ed]

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QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT

If you have s*x with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape
or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for
your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

If Wile E.. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME cr*p, why didn't
he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is
not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?


Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,

Why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well,
it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you
watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when
we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends - if they're okay, then it's you.

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Babies eating lemons. Betcha all a Dollar that you cant watch this without
making faces too!
 Click here

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Christmas Food Court Flash Mob Welland, Ontario
 Click here

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Dogs decorating a tree!
 Click here

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Barney Frank resigns from Congress to pursue dream job with TSA
 Click here

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Boys will be boys
 Click here


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TSA T-Shirts...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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New TSA bumper stickers...
 Click here

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Airports
 Click here

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FOR SALE :
Saints Tickets, section 118, row 6 seat 4&5. I have 2 Saints season tickets
for sale.
My wife doesn't want to attend any more of their games as she doesn't like
the person who sits in the seat next to us.
I've attached a picture of the view from the seats to confirm location
below.
Tickets will be sold to the highest bidder.
Current Bid: $4,500 each.
 Click here

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Tree Hugger

When you think you're having a bad day .................read this and know
that it could have been worse.

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing
this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other
guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys,
then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed
to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he
finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked
around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just
ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...."

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Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases.

"When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

"Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!"

"Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never
Solved Anything."

"U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club."

"U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don't Testify."

"The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed
Overnight"

"Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back"

"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil"

"Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their
Country Since 1775"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden - It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support "

"My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

"If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher.. If You Can Read It In English,
Thank A Veteran"

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New David Jones training video.
 Click here

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D.W.I.
 Click here

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"Miss TSA" Calendar - we knew this was coming, right?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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The Joys of Winter in Russia
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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How to annoy drivers
 Click here

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Turkey testicle festival
 Click here

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Mystery solved....
People living in Colorado Springs wondered why their rain water barrel was
almost empty every day.
They set up a couple of cameras and look what they caught on film!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Cute pics.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Why Canadians need heated seats
 Click here

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And here's another fun time that I missed...
 Click here

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Who says white guys can't dance?
 Click here

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Worlds Best pub sign
 Click here

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Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me anymore. [XXX]
 Click here

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This French girl, Tippi, was born in Nairobi, Africa in 1990. Grew up in
the jungles with her parents who are wild life photographers. They
doc*mented her life with the animals. She went back to France @ age 10.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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It fit last year!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Sea Turtle extinction is not Global Warming. Perhaps we have just
discovered why the sea turtle is going extinct & it is not global warming.
World shame coast in COSTA RICA.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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