Friday humour - November 26, 2010

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Well here we are, us lucky Mexicans, about to cast our democratic right to
choose between dumb and dumber.

One of them actually said during the last week that voters should not think
about their past record when voting, but look forward to what they say they
will do in the future. I can see their reasoning. Neither of them look too
good in retrospect. As for the future,
I notice that the new word is "pledge". What ever happened to "promise". It
seems to have gone out of favour. I wonder why ...

Is it a coincidence that Green is for Go?

This weeks goodies come courtesy of Biggus, Burnout, Diks, Duke of
Barsinov, Kaos reflex, KRP, Liz, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Stumpy
Steve and Whizzbang.

Enjoy.

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There are these two fish in a tank.

One says to the other, "Do you have any idea how to drive this thing?".

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QAN A380 Uncontained IPT Damage in detail - graphics and photos
 Click here

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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he
is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of
night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

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BANK ROBBERY IN TEXAS

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled
it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in
silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you."

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1. A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi in Bnei Brak (a town in Israel ).
'Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me,' she says. 'Who will be the
lucky one?'
The wise old Rabbi answers: "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the
lucky one.

2. If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an
opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?

3. My father said, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family." I
said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"

4. Jewish Marriage advice "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave
you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?"

5. Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice.
"Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's
mistakes?"
"No , Morris, a man should not profit from another man's mistakes" answered
the rabbi.
"Are you sure Rabbi?" "Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed
the Rabbi.
"Ok , Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred
dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?"

6. The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

7. Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never
forget what she forgave."

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Good spelling.

Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate
e-mailed technical doc*ments asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him
straight.

I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you've
forgotten, spell checker comes free with your software."

A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."

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Linguistics

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he
explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages,
such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double
positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right."

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INSTANT SAVINGS: -- David Cameron has announced that he can achieve massive
benefit savings. In future claim forms will be printed only in English.

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Brisbane Taxi driver

A stark naked, drunken woman, jumped into a vacant taxi at the William
Street rank.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring
at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

"What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman
before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper
where I am coming from".

"Well if your not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself ...

where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

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Teacher:
Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought
happiness and peace into people's lives?

Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

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Goodbye Mum

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following
him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at
him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so
much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the
store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the
store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went
to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her
things, too."

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Bro's on Bikes
 Click here Click here Click here

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One of the great lines of our time
 Click here

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Welcome to our world...
 Click here

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Out of the mouths of babes
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Statement of the Bleedin' Obvious.
 Click here

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Best gag
 Click here

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Ahh... that's better
 Click here Click here

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Ya wanna play golf in Phoenix?
 Click here
This happened on a desert golf course.
He fell backwards into the cactus.
It took paramedics over 3 hours to pull cactus out before he could go in
ambulance to hospital.

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Home Dentistry...
 Click here

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Sand Sculpture Contest
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Various Mexican SWAT teams...they're VERY Best

 Click here Click here

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No matter what you think about politics, this pretty much sums it up.
 Click here

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Mozart in the Office
 Click here

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Directions

1. go to Google maps.

2. Go to "Get Directions."

3. Type Japan as the start location.

4. Type China as the end location.

5. Go to direction #43.

...hahaha!

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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