Friday humour - November 19, 2010

Quite a bumper issue this week - thank you all for the contributions - you
may have wondered why all the other editors have an opinion on something
or other at the beginning of their editorial - and I don't for two
reasons, one is I am not a political animal, the second is being married
I'm not allowed an opinion, seriously though my opinion on current affairs
would not be printable, so in an attempt to stay cheerful I stick with the
comedy which now follows..................


A QANTAS A380 was a flying wreck after an engine exploded last week,
shooting metal through fuel tanks.

Last week's mid-air emergency off Singapore also badly damaged a wing,
which may have to be replaced.
The Herald Sun can reveal the full list of damage as the big jet was nursed
back to Singapore on three engines.
When it touched down the fuel systems were failing, the forward spar
supporting the left wing had been holed and one of the jet's two hydraulic
systems was knocked out and totally drained of fluid.
Sources compared the A380 to the Memphis Belle, the World War II bomber
that struggled back to England from Germany on its final mission and
became the subject of an award-winning 1990s Hollywood movie by the same
name.
Richard Woodward, vice-president of the International Air Pilots'
Federation, told the Herald Sun yesterday that the lesson from the near
disaster was the value of an experienced flight crew.


"There was a wealth of experience in the c*ckpit, even the lowest ranked
officer on board had thousands of hours of experience in his former role
as a military flying instructor," said Capt Woodward, himself an A380
pilot on leave from Qantas.
As another senior pilot said: "It is bad enough for an engine to explode in
mid-air let alone lose so many secondary systems".
Investigators found Shrapnel Damage to the flaps, a huge hole in the upper
surface of the left wing and a generator that was not working.

(1) The crew could not shutdown the No. 1 engine using the fire switch.

(2)As a result the engine's fire extinguishers could not be deployed.

(3)Captain Richard de Crespigny, first officer Matt Hicks and Mark Johnson,
the second officer, could NOT Jettison the volume of Fuel required for a
Safe Emergency Landing.

(4)With more than 80 tonnes of highly volatile jet kerosene still in the 11
tanks -- two of which were leaking -- they made an overweight and high
speed approach to Changi Airport.

(4)Without full Hydraulics the Spoilers -- could NOT be fully Deployed to
Slow the jet.

(5)The crew also had to Rely on Gravity for the Undercarriage to Drop and
Lock into place.

(6) On landing they had NO Anti-Skid Brakes and

(7) could Rely on only One Engine for Reverse Thrust - needing all of the
4km runway at Changi to STOP the jet .

The three crew have been interviewed by Australian investigators and
cleared to return to duties.
Industry sources said the damage will almost certainly put the airline's
flagship jet -- the Nancy Bird-Walton -- out of service for months.

Investigators found that an Oil Fire may have caused the engine to explode.

Details of the stricken jet's problems were revealed yesterday in an
emergency directive by the European Aviation Safety Authority.

The authority made it mandatory for airlines with the now suspect
Rolls-Royce Trent 900 Engines to make checks for excess oil.

If not detected, excess oil can cause a fire and ultimately result in
"uncontained" engine failure, with potential damage to the aeroplane and to
people or property on the ground.

Qantas made it clear it will keep its SIX superjumbos Grounded indefinitely
and has rearranged flight schedules using substitute aircraft.

"The specific checks mandated by the directive were already being carried
out by Qantas in conjunction with Rolls-Royce," it said.
"Qantas's A380 aircraft will not return to service until there is complete
certainty that the fleet can operate safely."

WHAT WENT WRONG ON QF32

Damage to the A380
1 Massive fuel leak in the left mid fuel tank (there are 11 tanks,
including in the horizontal stabiliser on the tail) 2 Massive fuel leak in
the left inner fuel tank 3 A hole on the flap fairing big enough to climb
through -( question of the day is this carbon fiber ?) 4 The aft gallery
in the fuel system failed, preventing many fuel transfer functions 5
Problem jettisoning fuel 6 Massive hole in the upper wing surface 7
Partial failure of leading edge slats 8 Partial failure of speed
brakes/ground spoilers 9 Shrapnel damage to the flaps 10 Total loss of all
hydraulic fluid in one of the jet's two systems 11 Manual extension of
landing gear 12 Loss of one generator and associated systems 13 Loss of
brake anti-skid system 14 No.1 engine could not be shut down in the usual
way after landing because of major damage to systems 15 No.1 engine could
not be shut down using the fire switch, which meant fire extinguishers
would not work on that engine 16 ECAM (electronic centralised aircraft
monitor) warnings about the major fuel imbalance (because of_Fuel Leaks on
left side) could not be fixed with cross-feeding 17 Fuel was trapped in the
trim tank (in the tail)creating a balance problem for landing 18 Left wing
forward spar penetrated by debris

A380 problems in detail

AND YOU THOUGHT FLYING WAS EASY!!!
Earned at least a year's salary in an hour or so. Everyone gave the pilots
a glowing commendation for their professionalism & they deserved it.
Here are just SOME of the problems the QANTAS guys had in Singapore last
week aboard QF32, in addition to the engine failure....


*  massive fuel leak in the left mid fuel tank (the beast has 11 tanks,
including in the horizontal stabiliser on the tail)
*  massive fuel leak in the left inner fuel tank
*  a hole on the flap canoe/fairing that you could fit your upper body
through.
*  the aft gallery in the fuel system failed, preventing many fuel transfer
functions
*  fuel jettison had problems due to the previous problem above
*  bloody great hole in the upper wing surface
*  partial failure of leading edge slats
*  partial failure of speed brakes/ground spoilers
*  shrapnel damage to the flaps
*  TOTAL loss of all hydraulic fluid in the Green System (beast has 2 x
5,000 PSI systems, Green and Yellow)
*  manual extension of landing gear
*  loss of 1 generator and associated systems
*  loss of brake anti-skid system
*  unable to shutdown adjacent #1 engine using normal method after landing
due to major damage to systems
*  unable to shutdown adjacent #1 engine using using the fire
switch!!!!!!!!
Therefore, no fire protection was available for that engine after the
explosion in #2
*  ECAM warnings about major fuel imbalance because of fuel leaks on left
side, that were UNABLE to be fixed with cross-feeding
*  fuel trapped in Trim Tank (in the tail).  Therefore, possible major CofG
out-of-balance condition for landing.  Yikes!
*  and much more to come..........

Richard was in the left seat, (FO in the right), SO in the 2nd obs seat
(right rear, also with his own Radio Management Panel, so he probably did
most of the coordination with the ground), Capt Dave Evans in the 1st obs
seat (middle).  He is a Check & Training Captain who was training Harry
Wubbin to be one also.  Harry was in the 3rd obs seat (left rear).

All  5 guys were FLAT OUT, especially the FO who would have been processing
complicated 'ECAM' messages and procedures that were seemingly
never-ending!

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 From: Biggus
 Light show...awesome!!!.......


 Click here

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From: Burnout
 They call her the Crusher............You will believe!
 Click here

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From: Digi Steve
And you thought YUK YUK YUK was a fake cartoon laugh ...

 Click here

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From: Diks
THANKSGIVING QUIZ......
For all the turkey's out there........................
Try this turkey quiz to determine your Turkey IQ.Thanksgiving quiz.  This
was fun.  A lot of stuff I didn't know about turkeys.

  target=_blank>Click here


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 From: KRP
Thrill-seeking Russian teenagers;
 Click here

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From: Liz
Subject: Firesheep

This notice is of relevance to everyone who uses open Wi-Fi hotspots
(typically used in Airports, Coffee Shops, Hotels, Colleges and so forth).
In the past week, a new hacking tool called Firesheep has been released. As
a result, if you connect to an open Wi-Fi Hotspot, it will be possible for
any average user (in the same location or nearby), with this tool
installed,
to hijack your accounts on any of the following websites:

Amazon, Basecamp, bit.ly, eNom, Facebook, Foursquare, GitHub, Google,
Hacker
News, Harvest, The New York Times, Pivotal Tracker, Twitter, ToorCon,
Evernote, Dropbox, Windows Live, Cisco, Slicehost, Gowalla, and Flickr.


Coming soon: Yahoo!, eBay, LinkedIn, Digg, Reddit, Wikipedia, Blogger,
GoDaddy, Posterous, Tumblr, Netflix, YouTube, Slashdot, MobileMe, PayPal,
Salesforce, Craigslist, MySpace, Match, AOL and potentially any site which
is not secure.


Notes:

1)    In order for your account to be hacked, you must be logged into the
site in question i.e. your account is hacked whilst you are in Facebook in
the coffee shop.
2)    This tool retrieves your personal photos from these sites and
displays them to the hacker so they can look around the coffee shop (or
other location) and see which users are hackable.
3)    The tool tells them which sites you are currently logged into and
they simply double click to choose which session to hijack.
4)    As far as the website (Facebook, Amazon etc.) is concerned, there is
zero difference between your legitimate login and the hacked login.
5)    The extent of the damage the hacker can do is dependent on the
security measures each site uses. Some sites ask for your password before
letting you make changes. The hacker will not have your password (but they
might be able to change the email address associated with the account and
use this to generate a new password).


Possible Solutions:

1)    Do not use Open Wi-Fi hotspots.
2)    If you must use one, ask the provider of the hotspot if they have
enabled WPA or WPA2 wireless security (this fixes the problem).
3)    Watch out for updates from your favourite sites about this issue. For
example, Gmail is not affected by this issue as it is totally secure. The
major site vendors (Amazon, Facebook etc) are scrambling to secure their
sites but it may take months in some cases.

More Details:
The following is an extract from ConsumerAffairs.com:

"Computer security specialists have issued a warning about Firesheep, a new
downloadable add-on to the Firefox browser. If the person in a coffee shop
with you has it, they can see exactly what you're doing online. "The
feature was reportedly created by a Seattle software developer, whose
purpose was to demonstrate how vulnerable unsecured networks are.
Unfortunately, he's unleashed a tool that can turn a computer amateur into
an accomplished hacker. With Firesheep, a computer user can log onto a
public network, in an airport or coffee shop, and get a list of all the
computers that happen to be connected to the network at that moment.

Simply by double-clicking on one of the names, the Firesheep user can
access whatever that computer user is doing online. If they are updating
their
Facebook account, the Firesheep user is also logged in. Firesheep works by
intercepting Internet cookies, which websites place on your computer when
you visit so they will recognize you when you return. Professional hackers
have had that tool in their ar*enal for years. Now, thanks to Firesheep,
anybody that has downloaded the add-on can do it too".

References:
Security Now - Click here
Firesheep Author - Click here
Bruce Schneier (Security Expert) -
 Click here
Google News - Click here

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From: Liz - Lutheran Beer Bottle Band

Lutherans Hitting the bottle
Ya gotta hear this beer bottle band!!!
 Click here

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From: Liz
Advice On How To Become A Pilot

Dear Major Mills:

I am (name) and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to
be an F-16 fighter pilot in the USAF.  What classes should I take in high
school to help the career I want to take later in life? What can I do to
increase my chances of getting into the Air Force Academy?
Sincerely,
  (name)

*********************************************

A worldly and jaded C 130 "Cargo Dog" pilot, Major Hunter Mills, rises to
the task of answering the young man's letter:
Dear DJ,

Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain
has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal
of fighter pilots.

Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth.  In my
experience, I've found most fighter pilots pompous, backstabbing, momma's
boys with inferiority complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated
aeronautically.  However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming
a
USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative:

What you really want to aspire to is the exciting, challenging and
rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT.  And this, young DJ, means one thing,
the venerable workhorse, the C-130!  I can guarantee no fighter pilot can
brag that he has led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 feet above
the ground, with the navigator leading the way and trying to interpret an
alternate route to the drop zone, avoiding pop-up threats, and
coordinating with AWACS, all while eating a box lunch while the engineer
is in the back relieving himself and the loadmaster is puking in his trash
can!

  I tell you DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at!  Where else is it legal to
throw tanks, HUMMV's, and other cr*p out the back of an airplane, and not
even worry about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the
General's staff car!  Nowhere else can you land on a 3000 foot dirt strip,
kick a bunch of ammo and stuff out on the ramp without stopping, then
takeoff again before range control can call to tell you that you've landed
on the wrong LZ!  And talk about exotic travel; when C-130's go somewhere,
they GO somewhere (usually for 3 months, unfortunately).  This gives you
the opportunity to immerse yourself in the local culture long enough to
give the locals a bad taste in their mouths regarding the USAF and
Americans in general, not something those C-5 pilots can do from their
airport hotel rooms!

  As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:

  1. Take a lot of math courses.  You'll need all the advanced math skills
you can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world,
and when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really
believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the navigator believes he owes
the other 20%.

  2. Health sciences are important, too.  You will need a thorough
knowledge of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you
can drink beer before the tremendous case of the G.I.'s catches up to you
from that meal you ate at the place that had the really good belly dancers
in some
God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce.

  3. Social studies are also beneficial.  It is important for a good TAC
Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to assert in the exact
location of the nearest topless bar in any country in the world, then be
able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he
offends every sensibility of the local religion and culture.

  4. A foreign language is helpful but not required.  You will never be
able to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France, and it's much easier
to ignore them and to go where you want to anyway.  As a rule of thumb:
waiters and bellhops in France are always called "Pierre"; in Spain it's
"Hey,
Pedro"; and in Italy, of course, it's "Mario".  These terms of address also
serve in other countries interchangeably, depending on the level of
suaveness of the addressee.

  5. A study of geography is paramount.  You will need to know the basic
location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and
are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got
taped to your living room wall, right next to the giant wooden giraffe
statue and beer stein collection.

  Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you.  And by the way, forget
about the Air Force Academy thing.  All TAC Airlifter's know that there
are waaay too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a
well-balanced education.  A nice, big state college or the Naval Academy
would be a much better choice.

  Hunter Mills,
  Major USAF


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 From: Liz
School Play

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he
asked his son if he got one.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been
married for 20 years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be
giving you a speaking part."


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From: Liz
Stop Drinking and Driving!!

Great Aussie Ad Campaign
This needs to passed around to every human being who has the keys to a
vehicle and the capability of driving while under the influence with
impaired judgement and the possibility of causing a life changing incident
to happen to everyone he or she comes in contact with while in this
condition.

Australia should be complemented on having the guts to "tell it like it is"
and get this campaign out to all of its licensed drivers and to air it on
TV...it is very moving and life-like, so it has a very strong impact this
holiday season.
Please pass it along to all of your friends and maybe we can be responsible
for saving some lives.
Wouldn't that be a great Christmas present?

 Click here

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From: Liz
Oops!
 Click here

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 From: Liz
 People are awesome...
 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
Lingerie Football?

I don't know where I've been!  This has just now come to my attention.
Really, I had NEVER heard of "lingerie football" before seeing it mentioned
on a webpage this evening while surfing the net.  Foolish me!  I guess I'm
going to be forced to start watching football after all these years of
studiously ignoring it.  Oh wow!

 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
 A Capella Bohemian Rhapsody
 Click here


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From: Sack
Slingshot
Damn, is this fella good or what?
 Click here

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From: Sack
 drunk wisdom
I (a woman) was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A) 1 litre of 2% fat reduced milk
B) Dozen fresh eggs
C) 250ml bottle of orange juice
D) a head of lettuce
E) 500 gm jar of coffee
F) 250 gm pack of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked
at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct, but how
on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

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From: Sack
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi'   us."
***
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have
a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"

 ***
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone
should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready
a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the
widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and
have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's
been engraved "She were Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be
rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go
sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were
Thin".

***
Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does
tha sell ar*e cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

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From: Whizzbang
Emergency Services

Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western
aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan .
He suddenly lost his footing and fell into the Yarra River .
Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.
By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.
I'm beginning to think I've wasted a frigging stamp!

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From: Whizzbang
 Stay Calm, Dad - Video
 Click here

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From: Allnutts
A soldier's album of Iraq
 Click here

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From the Friends of Irony

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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A Real Dog & Cat Fight . . . . not really
 Click here

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Wrong Move In A Gun fight
 Click here

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 old vs new cars
 Click here

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 The German's won't like it
 Click here

This was a local brewery's advertising campaign in Kent ......
there were lots of complaints...
but only from the Germans.
You can still see them in the Shepherd Named pubs in and around Kent

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From: Davo
 Reflections
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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 From: Diks
My last email for a while...

*This may very well be my last email for awhile.  I'll miss you guys!*

You know my political views, and my love for our country.

I know this will come as a shock to you, but I have made the decision to
leave home for at least one year effective October 22, 2010.
,
There are many reasons, but the major contributor to my decision has been
my involvement with a Militia group down on the Arizona/Mexican border
which is fighting to protect our nation against illegal and undesirable
immigrants.

I have been in contact with this group for quite a few years, and now I
expect that I will finally join them.

I know you will think I am totally crazy, out of my mind, but I have not
made this decision lightly.  Nothing you can say or do will stop me from
doing what I truly believe in. These border crossers must be stopped at
all costs.

The attached photo shows the group I am being assigned to and depending how
this works out, it's possible I may never return.

 Click here

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From: Diks
Elvis
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Click on any song
*Angel
* target=_blank>Click here

*Ain't Nothing But A Hound
Dog
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Always On My Mind
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*An American Trilogy
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*And I Love You So
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*As Long As I Have
You*
 target=_blank>Click here

*Because Of Love
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Bridge Over Troubled
Water
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Britches
 target=_blank>Click here

*Can't Help Falling In
Love*
 target=_blank>Click here

*Could I Fall In
Love
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Crying In The Chapel
 target=_blank>Click here
*

*Doin' The Best I Can
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Don't
* target=_blank>Click here

*Don't Be Cruel
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Easy Question
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Elvis Movie Memories
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Five Sleepy Heads
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Follow That Dream
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*For The Heart (Soon)*

*Funny How Time Slips Away *
 target=_blank>Click here

*Gently *
 target=_blank>Click here

*Good Times *
 target=_blank>Click here

*Green Green Of
Home
 target=_blank>Click here
*

*Happy Birthday
Elvis
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Hawaiian Sunset
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Hawaiian Wedding
Song
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Help Me (Soon) *

*I Forgot To Rememeber
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*I'll Never Know
 target=_blank>Click here

*I'm Falling In Love Tonight
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*I'm Yours
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*I Miss You
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Indescribably Blue
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*It Ain't No Big
Thing
 target=_blank>Click here
   *
*Just For Old Time
Sake
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Ku-u-I-Po
* target=_blank>Click here

*Loving You
* target=_blank>Click here

*Mama Liked The Roses*
 target=_blank>Click here

*Milky White Way
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*Mr. Songman
* target=_blank>Click here

*My Friend Elvis
By J.D.Sumner
 target=_blank>Click here
*
*My Wish Came True
 target=_blank>Click here
 *
*My Way*
 target=_blank>Click here

*Never Ending
 target=_blank>Click here *


*Old Shep
* target=_blank>Click here

*One Broken Heart For Sale*
 target=_blank>Click here

*Rip It Up*
 target=_blank>Click here

*Sentimental Me*
 target=_blank>Click here

*She's Not You
* target=_blank>Click here

*Shookup
* target=_blank>Click here

*Soldier Boy
 target=_blank>Click here *


*Something Blue*
 target=_blank>Click here

*Stay Away
** target=_blank>Click here *


*Summer Kisses Winter
Tears
 target=_blank>Click here
 *
*Suppose
* target=_blank>Click here

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*I'll Be Home On Christmas
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  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Nature at her best
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: KRP
 Click here
British Army loading secret weapon to be air-dropped on the enemy;
surrender soon after the drop is expected.

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From: Kaos_reflex
 Click here
A typical night at ????????? house......

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 From: Kaos_reflex
The Original Farmer's Daughter
 Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex
 How's this for a reverse park
 Click here


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 From: Liz
 IT DON'T COST NUTHIN' TO BE NICE
 Click here

IT DON'T COST NUTHIN' TO BE NICE
At a Touchdown Club meeting many years ago, Coach Paul "Bear" Bryant told
the following story:
I had just been named the new head coach at Alabama and was off in my old
car down in South Alabama recruiting a prospect who was supposed to have
been a pretty good player, and I was having trouble finding the place.

Getting hungry, I spied an old cinderblock building with a small sign out
front that simply said "Restaurant." I pull up, go in, and every head in
the place turns to stare at me. Seems I'm the only white fella in the
place. But the food smelled good, so I skip a table and go up to a cement
bar and sit.
A big ole man in a tee shirt and cap comes over and says, "What do you
need?"

I told him I needed lunch and what did they have today?
He says, "You probably won't like it here. Today we're having chitlins,
collard greens and black-eyed peas with cornbread. I'll bet you don't even
know what chitlins are, do you?"(small intestines of hogs prepared as food
in the deep South)

I looked him square in the eye and said, "I'm from Arkansas , and I've
probably eaten a mile of them. Sounds like I'm in the right place."
They all smiled as he left to serve me up a big plate. When he comes back
he says, "You ain't from around here then?"
I explain I'm the new football coach up in Tuscaloosa at the University and
I'm here to find whatever that boy's name was, and he says, "Yeah I've
heard of him, he's supposed to be pretty good." And he gives me directions
to the school so I can meet him and his coach.

As I'm paying up to leave, I remember my manners and leave a tip, not too
big to be flashy, but a good one, and he told me lunch was on him, but I
told him for a lunch that good, I felt I should pay. The big man asked me
if
I had a photograph or something he could hang up to show I'd been there. I
was so new that I didn't have any yet. It really wasn't that big a thing
back then to be asked for, but I took a napkin and wrote his name and
address on it and told him I'd get him one.
I met the kid I was looking for later that afternoon and I don't remember
his name, but do remember I didn't think much of him when I met him.

I had wasted a day, or so I thought. When I got back to Tuscaloosa late
that night, I took that napkin from my shirt pocket and put it under my
keys so I wouldn't forget it. Back then I was excited that anybody would
want a picture of me.  The next day we found a picture and I wrote on it,
"Thanks for the best lunch I've ever had."

 Now let's go a whole buncha years down the road. Now we have black players
at Alabama and I'm back down in that part of the country scouting an
offensive lineman we sure needed.

Y'all remember, (and I forget the name, but it's not important to the
story), well anyway, he's got two friends going to Auburn and he tells me
he's got his heart set on Auburn too, so I leave empty handed and go on to
see some others while I'm down there.
Two days later, I'm in my office in Tuscaloosa and the phone rings and it's
this kid who just turned me down, and he says, "Coach, do you still want me
at Alabama ?"

And I said, "Yes I sure do." And he says OK, he'll come.
And I say, "Well son, what changed your mind?"
And he said, "When my grandpa found out that I had a chance to play for you
and said no, he pitched a fit and told me I wasn't going nowhere but
Alabama, and wasn't playing for nobody but you. He thinks a lot of you and
has ever since y'all met."

Well, I didn't know his granddad from Adam's housecat so I asked him who
his granddaddy was and he said, "You probably don't remember him, but you
ate in his restaurant your first year at Alabama and you sent him a
picture that he's had hung in that place ever since. That picture's his
pride and joy and he still tells everybody about the day that Bear Bryant
came in and had chitlins with him..."

 "My grandpa said that when you left there, he never expected you to
remember him or to send him that picture, but you kept your word to him
and to Grandpa, that's everything. He said you could teach me more than
football and I had to play for a man like you, so I guess I'm going to."

I was floored. But I learned that the lessons my mama taught me were always
right. It don't cost nuthin' to be nice. It don't cost nuthin' to do the
right thing most of the time, and it costs a lot to lose your good name by
breaking your word to someone.
When I went back to sign that boy, I looked up his Grandpa and he's still
running that place, but it looks a lot better now. And he didn't have
chitlins that day, but he had some ribs that would make Dreamland proud. 
I made sure I posed for a lot of pictures; and don't think I didn't leave
some new ones for him, too, along with a signed football.
I made it clear to all my assistants to keep this story and these lessons
in mind when they're out on the road. If you remember anything else from
me,
remember this. It really doesn't cost anything to be nice, and the rewards
can be unimaginable.
Coach Paul "Bear" Bryant
Editor's Note: Coach Bryant was in the presence of those few gentlemen for
only minutes, and he defined himself for life. Regardless of our
profession,
we do define ourselves by how we treat others, and how we behave in the
presence of others, and most of the time, we have only minutes or seconds
to leave a lasting impression. We can be rude, crude, arrogant,
cantankerous,
or we can be nice.Nice is always a better choice.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Liz
At first I thought it was a Walmart Shopper
 Click here

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 Sleeping animals
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


Mucho adorableness.
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From: Liz
Now this is toilet training!
 Click here Click here

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From: Liz
Accidents waiting to happen
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


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From: Liz
Headlines and corrections
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


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 Amazing 3D drawings
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

These were drawn by a 17-year-old Chilean boy.  They truly look
3-dimensional.

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 From: Liz
 NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC TOP 35 PHOTOS OF 2009
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Liz
Baby Liger and his Big Brother
 Click here Click here

Their heads are shaped like a -lioness's, yet faint stripes and shorter
legs suggest a different -heritage. Are these lions or tigers? Neither -
they are ligers, a cross between a male lion and a tigress.
Four-week-old Aries hardly cuts a commanding figure as he sits on his big
brother's head. Yet the cub will grow to match colossal Hercules, who
weighs more than 900lbs.
Hercules is the heaviest from his litter of ligers, all of them born in
2002. He already has three brothers called Sinbad, Vulcan and Zeus.
Ligers have lighter stripes than tigers and a lion-shaped head, but with
little mane.
Hercules's face is 2ft 3in across and his 2in claws are the same size as
those of a velociraptor dinosaur (famed for its role as a deadly predator
in the film Jurassic Park). Like tigers, he also likes to swim - a feat
almost unheard of among lions, which fear water.
He is the biggest hybrid cat in the world.

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 From: Liz
Some new things that make you say ... sh*t!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Liz
 E.T.
 Click here

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 From: Liz
Doctors and stress...
 Click here

Why doctors are sometimes stressed!

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 From: Nottingham Smithie

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Cherish Yesterday, Live for Today, Look Forward to Tomorrow

ARLINGTON CEMETERY -
On Jeopardy the other night, the final question was "How many steps does
the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns "  ---- All
three
missed it --
This is really an awesome sight to watch if you've never had the chance.
Very fascinating.
Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of
the
Unknowns and  why?
21 steps:  It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute which is the highest
honor given any military or foreign dignitary.

2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk
and why?
21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1


3. Why are his gloves wet?
His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.


4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time and, if not,
why not?
He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march
across the path, he executes an about face and moves the rifle to the
outside shoulder.


5. How often are the guards changed?
Guards are changed every thirty minutes,
twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.

6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to?

For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be between 5' 10'
and 6' 2' tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30.


They must commit 2 years of life to guard the tomb, live in a barracks
under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest
of their lives. They cannot swear in public for the rest of their lives
and cannot disgrace the uniform or the tomb in any way.

After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on their
lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only 400
presently worn. The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their
lives or give up the wreath pin.


The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and
cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the  top
of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt.

There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform. Guards dress for duty
in front of a full-length mirror.

The first six months of du ty a guard cannot talk to anyone nor watch TV.
All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable people laid to rest in
Arlington National Cemetery . A guard must memorize who they are and where
they are interred. Among the notables are:


President Taft,
Joe Lewis {the boxer}
Medal of Honor winner Audie Murphy, the most decorated soldier of WWII of
Hollywood fame.

Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for guard
duty.


ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM.

In 2003 as Hurricane Isabelle was approaching   Washington, DC, our
US Senate/House took 2 days off with anticipation of the storm. On the ABC
evening news, it was reported that because of the dangers from the
hurricane, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of
the Unknown Soldier were given permission to suspend the assignment. They
respectfully declined the offer, 'No way, Sir!' Soaked to the skin,
marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding
the Tomb was not just an assignment, it was the highest honor that can be
afforded to a serviceperson. The tomb has been patrolled continuously,
24/7, since 1930.

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From: Sack
 1918.
 Click here

I find it amazing that this photo, taken so many years ago,
actually still exists!?
And now, someone has put it online for all of us to see.
This INCREDIBLE picture was taken in 1918.
It is 18,000 men preparing for war in a training camp at Camp Dodge , in
Iowa .


FACTS:
Base to Shoulder: 150 feet
Right Arm: 340 feet
Widest part of arm holding torch: 12 1/2 f eet
Right thumb: 35 feet
Thickest part of body: 29 feet
Left hand length: 30 feet
Face: 60 feet
Nose: 21 feet
Longest spike of head piece: 70 feet
Torch and flame combined: 980 feet
Number of men in flame of torch: 12,000
Number of men in torch: 2,800
Number of men in right arm: 1,200
Number of men in body, head and balance of figure only: 2,000
Total men: 18,000

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From: Stumpy Steve
more Walmartians.....saved the best for last.........
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
My 1 day of employment
 Click here

THOUGHT YOU ALL MIGHT GET A LAUGH!
My 1 day of employment ,

So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many
retirees,   I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to
Bunnings.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped
yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's
9,
and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe
someone shagged you twice.. .
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

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Whizzbang
Work Place Health and Safety
 Click here

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