Friday humour - November 12, 2010


From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

This week we commemorate the silence of the guns on the Western Front on 11
November 1918, in one way signifying the end of the Great War (WWI).
There was some anger in Victoria and other places when it was discovered
that Vic Roads management had written to staff warning them not to
commemorate in any way the traditional one minutes silence and presumably
the wearing of the poppy, so as not to offend any person.
A Vic Roads employee, sent the email viral, and a feeding frenzy commenced
causing the CEO of Vic Roads to relinquish the instruction.
This sort of madness in the form of political correctness is an insult to
the intelligence of the community and needs to be stamped out; if these
people continue with this type of rubbish, they should be removed from
their positions with some haste.
Inevitably these idiots believe that they are protecting minorities in the
community form the evils we Aussies call our culture..... Yes our culture,
which for some reason these staffers/spin doctors believe may/might/will
offend some poor slob somewhere........ In this case bad luck I say!

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: Worth watching...Fw: Stay Calm Dad.... This is priceless !!!!

Turn your speaker on.          This is priceless!

  Click here

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From: Biggus
Subject: Ventriloquist

 Click here

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 From: Burnout
Subject: Life lesson  Number 29


I dialled a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the Beep.......

If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

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From: Diks
Subject: Take a trip in the U-2 spy plane

You can see why the U-2 is considered the most difficult plane in the world
to fly. Each pilot has a co-pilot, who chases the plane on the runway in a
sports car. Most of the cars are either Pontiac GTOs or Chevrolet Cameros
-
the Air Force buys American.

The chase cars talk the pilot down as he lands on bicycle-style landing
gear. In that spacesuit, the pilot in the plane simply cannot get a good
view of the runway.

Upon takeoff, the wings on this plane, which extend 103 feet from tip to
tip, literally flap. To stabilize the wings on the runway, two pogo sticks
on wheels prop up the ends of the wings. As the plane flies away, the pogo
sticks drop off.

The plane climbs at an amazing rate of nearly 10,000 feet a minute. Within
about four minutes, I was at 40,000 feet, higher than any commercial
airplane. We kept going up to 13 miles above Earth's surface.

You get an incredible sensation up there. As you look out the windows, it
feels like you're floating, it feels like you're not moving, but you're
actually going 500 mph.

The U-2 was built to go higher than any other aircraft. In fact, today,
morethan 50 years since it went into production, the U-2 flies higher than
any aircraft in the world with the exception of the space shuttle. It is
flying more missions and longer missions than ever before -nearly 70
missions a month over Iraq and Afghanistan, an operational tempo that is
unequaled in history.

The pilots fly for 11 hours at a time, sometimes more than 11 hours up
there alone. By flying so high, the U-2 has the capability of doing
reconnaissance over a country without actually violating its airspace. It
can look off to the side, peering 300 miles or more inside a country
without actually flying over it.

It can "see" in the dark and through clouds. It can also "hear,"
intercepting conversations 14 miles below. The U-2, an incredible piece of
history and also a current piece of high technology, is at the center of
the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Enjoy the ride! Lockheed U-2.

Take A Ride in a Spy Plane, Click the link below. Go to the lower right
corner of the screen and click the icon immediately to the left of the
volume control to bring up the full screen.

 Click here

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From: Kevin
Subject: There are a lot of good points in this advertisement

Please don't be a "knocker", look and judge, there are a lot of good points
in this advertisement:
Across Germany's northern-most border with Denmark you'll find an
incredible superstore called Fleggaard.  There, you can buy everything you
need - tubs of gummi bears, cases of wine, industrial strength dishwashing
soap - at prices 30% cheaper than you'll find in Denmark. It is Denmark's
Costco, packaged as a German loophole.  This is their advertisement!The
100+ women do stunts in the air - while free-falling - holding hands to
spell out "Half-off on Dishwasher soap at Fleggaard." You'd be
hard-pressed to find a man in Denmark who hasn't seen and fallen in love
with that commercial.  It was geared strictly to men. The ad is real!Here
is a link to simply the best advertisement ever made. Honestly. It's
awesome.

 Click here

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From: Liz
Subject: Bicycle skill

How do they do it??

 Click here

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From: Muse
Subject: Political Quiz

      So, you think you know where you stand, politically. Think again.

      The result from this short test may surprise you and give you some
food for thought.

      You will be asked just 10 questions and then it instantly tells you
where you stand politically.

      It shows your position as a red dot on a "political map" so you'll
see exactly where you score.

      The most interesting thing about the Quiz is that it goes beyond the
Democrat, Republican, and Independent.

      The Quiz has gotten  a lot of praise. The Washington Post said it has
"gained respect as a valid measure of a person's political leanings. The
Fraser Institute said it's a fast, fun, and accurate assessment of a
person's overall political views.. Suite University said it is the most
concise and accurate political quiz out there.

      Click on the link below...

      Click here


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From: Sack
Subject: How to teach

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other
students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each
name.


Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each
of their classmates and write it down.


It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and
as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.


That Sat*rday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a
separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that
individual.


On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire
class was smiling. 'Really?' she heard whispered. 'I never knew that I
meant anything to anyone!' and, 'I didn't know others liked me so much,'
were most of the comments.


No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they
discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter.
The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with
themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.


Several years later, one of the students was killed in Viet Nam and his
teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a
serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature..


The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took
a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the
coffin.


As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to
her. 'Were you Mark's math teacher?' he asked. She nodded: 'yes.' Then he
said: 'Mark talked about you a lot.'


After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a
luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak
with his teacher.


'We want to show you something,' his father said, taking a wallet out of
his pocket 'They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you
might recognize it.'


Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook
paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The
teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she
had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about
him.


'Thank you so much for doing that,' Mark's mother said. 'As you can see,
Mark treasured it.'


All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled
rather sheepishly and said, 'I still have my list. It's in the top drawer
of my desk at home.'

Chuck's wife said, 'Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.'

'I have mine too,' Marilyn said. 'It's in my diary'

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her
wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. 'I carry this
with me at all times,' Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she
continued: 'I think we all saved our lists'

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and
for all his friends who would never see him again.


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From: Stumpy Steve

Email English 101

In this world of hi-tech, I have noticed that many people that send text
messages and email have forgotten about proper capitalization.

Those of you who are lazy, take note below.

Capitalization is important:

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle J*ck off a
horse.

Or helping your uncle j*ck off a horse.


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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: What would a doctor know?


An elderly man shuffled into the hospital emergency department.

Two recently graduated doctors working as ED interns, observed him as he
gingerly made his way through the sliding doors towards the triage desk.
The old guy was obviously distressed.

One doctor said to the other "That man is clearly having a heart attack.
He's flushed in the face and is breathing heavily."
"You're wrong" said the other doctor "Judging by the way he's stooped over
and using a walking stick, he has a back injury - probably a slipped
disc."

Keen to see whose diagnosis was correct and therefore who was the better
doctor, they decided to ask the man why he came in.

"If you think I have a bad back" said the old man to the first question,
"you're wrong."
And looking to the other doctor he said "So you think its a heart attack?
Well you're wrong too. I'm very fit and still work out everyday."

"I thought I was going to fart, but I was wrong too!"


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  A Blonde's Year in Review

January


Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.......
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope. ?

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.......
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September ?
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it??? ?

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November ?
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .....
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!


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Time: 20101108193627
From: Whizzbang
Subject: Bad Accident

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the
bathroom floor.

 Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the
splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

 She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled.

 Bruce came running in.

 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.

 'Strewth' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl.
 I'll go across the road and get Frank’.


 They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

 'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said.

 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

 'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles
under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.

 'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play
with her tits.'

 'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

 'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'


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From: seagull
Subject: Nasal or allergy problems? Neti pot device.

The results speak for themselves.   :-)

 Click here

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From: Allnutts
Subject: --THIS IS UNREAL--

Talk about being in the right place at the right time (the
photographer)...or the wrong place at the wrong time (the pilot).....

There I was just flying along, enjoying the flight...
 Click here

And what's so cool is they actually pay me to do this!
 Click here

Hmmm... What's that strange sound? Something feels different!
 Click here

Hey, why am I looking up?
 Click here

Whoa here. What the hell? ?Controls aren't working.
 Click here

Whoa here. What the hell? ?Controls aren't working.
 Click here

Time for a mirror check. ?Hey, where's the rest of my F-15?
 Click here

Uh oh, it's over there. ?I think I've got a definite 'Aw, sh*t' going on
here.
 Click here

I gotta wonder, am I the first guy to ever experience 'c*ckpit-airframe
separation anxiety?'
 Click here

OK, enough is enough! ?I'm outta' here!  But first, the canopy has to go...
 Click here Click here


OK, now it's my turn. I'm gonna be gone - soon as I find that frickin'
lower handle.

 Click here

Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

This 'incident' caused the USAF to ground its fleet of  F-15's.

How about the guy who took these pictures?  Just when it looks like it's
going to be just another 'average day at the office'.. You never know!

What caused the mid air break up? The main "longeron" (stringer) behind the
c*ckpit failed due to corrosion.


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From: Anonymous
Subject: TOILETTES DEL MUNDO

 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: HIS EYE IS ON THE SPARROW

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


A female mate was hit by a car as she swooped low across the road, and the
condition was soon fatal.

Her male mate brought her food and attended her with love and compassion.

He brought her food again, but was shocked to find her dead.

He tried to move her - a rarely seen effort.

Aware that his mate was dead and would

never come back to him again, he cried with adoring love...

...and stood beside her with sadness and sorrow.

Millions of people were touched after seeing these photos in America ,
Europe, Australia , and even India ...  The photographer sold these
pictures for a nominal fee to the most famous newspaper in France.

All copies of that edition were sold out on the day these pictures were
published.
And many people think animals and birds don't have brains or feelings.  You
have just witnessed love and sorrow felt by God's creatures.  The Bible
says that God knows when a sparrow falls.  Imagine how much He cares for
us! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, and speak kindly.

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: I'm just saying

Proof That Men Have Not Evolved All That Much
 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: HUBBELL TELESCOPE POWERPOINT

Awesome! Enjoy - Silke
Hi, I think this is worth watching!  The photography from the Hubbell
Telescope is truly amazing.  (We are going to Egypt for a tour in the
spring, and these photos put the distance in perspective.)
 Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: Fw: Toy Story - look closely...
 Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: Heavenly Virgins
 Click here

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From: Liz
Subject: Camera
 Click here

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From: Liz
Subject: GUESS WHERE THIS IS.....
 Click here

Guess where this is ?

Viagra's Head Office in Toronto, Canada

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From: Liz
Subject: Actual Canadian ad?

 Click here


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From: Liz
Subject: FINISHED!

 Click here

"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the
gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery."  - -
-  Winston Churchill

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From: Mitta
Subject: FW: Warning Signs
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: how legends are made - or reputations destroyed
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Dolphin Stampede in a cove off Newfoundland

Dolphin Stampede: Taken in a cove off Newfoundland

Who needs the Calgary Stampede when Newfoundland has this?
Dolphin Stampede: Taken in a Bay off Newfoundland.
This is Garden Cove, Placentia Bay, Newfoundland, and they had to cut the
motor in the boat each time for fear of striking one.
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: FW: James Cagney & Bob Hope
 Click here


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From: Sack
Subject: FW: Inspirational Speech
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Here's a neat little AA battery trick they don't want you to
know...

AA battery trick they don't want you to know.... Who knew about this and
didn't say  anything?

Need  AA batteries?  Then all you kids, parents and grandparents need to
watch this  one. You won't believe what you see. In fact, I ran it two
times so I would be sure what I was seeing. I opened one up and it's just 
 like in the attachment.  Check it out. Don't delete this without watching
the Video.

You won't believe what you're going see!

 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: TV ads do work...
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Biblical Farside

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: WAYNE ROONEYS NEW CONTRACT
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Fishing - NT style!!
 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  fancy a cruise
 Click here


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From: anonymous
Subject: Guts or Balls

There is a medical distinction.  We've all heard about people having guts
or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:   ''Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say:  ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in
death.

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Quote of the Week:

I'll be glad to reply to or dodge your questions, depending on what I think
will help our election most.

- George H. W. Bush

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[ End friday humour ]

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